A Universal Understanding
by SoullessQuill
Summary: No living person knew her name. Her life was a path of destruction, wreaked with death. She joined Captain Levi's Squad, it was her last chance at pursuing the only career that would allow her to tolerate existing. And although she vowed to stay alone in the cruel world she lived in, her and the Captain found an incredible friendship, and a universal understanding... [OC]
1. Chapter 1 - Welcome to the Scouts

**Hi! Welcome to my first ever fanfiction. Please please please review if you want this content to continue. It's rated T just in case (especially since this is Attack On Titan we're talking about). I update a chapter every Thursday, and they will generally contain around 1000-1500 words. Thanks guys, and remember, it takes literally two minutes to post a review and it will make my day!**

 **I do not own Attack On Titan. I only own my OC.**

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 **PROLOGUE:**

The letter appeared on my bed, sealed with the wings of freedom. It was an invitation to join the West Scouting Legion, in command of Erwin Smith. I was invited to be part of the Special Operations Squad, whose captain is Levi Ackerman. I could FINALLY get out of rehab. I wouldn't hide my face. I would speak to people, it was a chance to start afresh. Apparently I'd been chosen by Captain Levi, but he could only have HEARD about me since I've never met him…

CHAPTER 1: Welcome to the Scouts

As the castle's gate came into view, I saw a figure standing in front of it, staring in my direction. I rode closer, making out the figure of a man, slimly built, with dark hair. As I jumped off my horse to greet him, I noticed that he was only about four inches taller than me. He stared at me as if I was an annoyance.

'I'm Captain Levi.' He said bluntly in a monotone voice.

'Captain, I'm Kamoku Kansten.' I nodded, referring to my first name only by my well-known nickname. I was given it by a friend, way back in my cadet years. Apparently it means "the silent one" in Japanese. Fitting, I suppose, since I never spoke. Ever. So I haven't uttered my REAL first name in years.

I analysed my new Captain, his prickly expression, his folded arms, his steady balanced stance, his immaculate uniform and his jet black hair that his steely eyes hid behind.

'This way.' The Captain said flatly, walking away from me. I grabbed my horse's reins and strode after him. He let me put my horse in a stable and led me inside. I came into a tidy hallway, a chandelier hanging from the ceiling and a rug coating the middle of the floor. On the left wall there was a dark wood table bearing a vase of flowers and beside it an ornate and intricately made couch. There was a bookshelf opposite it, and a flight of stairs that disappeared up to another flight to the second floor. Beside the couch was a doorway which led to a small room with a wooden table and chairs. He told me that the doorway opposite where we stood led to a small kitchen. He told me there was a lounge, an infirmary for injuries, a storage area and tons of rooms. The castle was huge!

He led me to my room, it was quite spacious, with floorboards and walls of cream. It contained a desk and chair opposite the door, a bed on the right and a wardrobe and bookcase on the left. I also notices right by the door there was a sink with a small medicine cabinet above it. The room was immaculate, and I intended to keep it that way.

Later I was invited to sit with the rest of the scouts in the dining hall. The castle was dingy, lit only by candle light. I looked around at all the new faces. A girl with a ginger bob turned to me,

'Hey, you are the new person, right? Welcome by the way.'

'Thanks, I'm Kamoku.' I said quietly.

'Wow, I love your name. I'm Petra. I'm guessing you've already met the captain?'

I glanced over to the Captain, who was staring into his tea, unresponsive. 'Yeah I have.'

'I'm Oluo Bodazo.' An older man at the other end of the table said. I nodded politely. Everyone else introduced themselves, and then a woman called Hanji Zoe started babbling on about her "titan experiments" and soon everyone started drifting off to bed, I was the last one to leave apart from Hanji. Captain Levi muttered quietly on his way out that I should leave quickly if I valued my sanity.

The next morning the captain declared that we were going on an expedition outside Wall Rose. I just followed along quietly. As I was saddling up my horse, I didn't realise that Levi was behind me.

'What's up with you?'

I jumped and turned around. 'Nothing sir, I'm fine.'

He frowned at me suspiciously. 'Not the expressive type are you?'

'Not really sir.'

'You're irritating, you know that?'

'Apologies sir.' I said, confused.

He huffed and stalked off. I frowned, what's up with him? He wasn't exactly the "expressive type" either. Whatever, it's not like he's as messed up as me…

I rode silently behind the Captain, listening to the others' conversation as we neared a forest. Suddenly a thin tree crashed down right beside me. My horse reared, throwing me off. A 10 metre class titan stared hungrily down at me from where the tree was. Unhesitating, I grappled onto the nearest tree and swung around, digging my blade into its shoulder. It reached down as I climbed, grabbing an unwary Petra, who kicked and shouted, thrashing around in its grasp. The rest of the group stared in shock.

I flung myself at the titan's arm as Petra came dangerously close to its mouth. I hacked its arm off and climbed back up to its neck, slashing it. Then I jumped down and helped Petra out of its limp fist.

'Are you hurt?' I asked.

'N- No, thank you so much, I-'

'It's fine.' I replied. I hated compliments, they made me feel so awkward. Levi rode up to me, looking agitated.

'Try not to get yourself killed before we've even got to the forest,' he grumbled at Petra. 'Oh, and don't abandon your horse Kansten.' He handed the reins of my horse back to me. No words of praise. Not that I was complaining.

'It won't happen again Captain.'

'Good, get moving you lot, you're wasting time.' For some reason, with every insult and sharp word, I respected Captain Levi more and more.

The rest of the expedition went horribly. Not many were killed- which was a miracle, but practically everyone got injured in some way. I was lucky that I got away with a slash down my right arm. My strongest arm.

I stood in front of the mirror in the hallway as I tried to wrap a bandage around my arm. I was useless with my left hand.

'Just thank your lucky stars you didn't end up like Gunther.' I jumped and swivelled around, wincing at the pain. Levi was glaring at me from the shadows of the stairs. Arms folded. Why did he keep doing that?

Gunther had ended up breaking a leg and several ribs. It was awful when Oluo found him, he was just laying crumpled on the ground, barely conscious.

The Captain walked over to me and sighed. He gripped my wrist gently and extended my arm, taking the bandage from me and wrapping it carefully around the wound. I stared at him silently, not sure what to think. His face had softened, his eyes focused only on the task at hand. He tied it carefully, his hands deft. Hanji walked through the hallway, but stopped when she saw us.

'What are you DOING Captain?' she chimed curiously.

'It seems that Kansten is unable to dress her own wounds Hanji.' He replied exasperatedly. He placed my arm back at my side and headed for the stairs silently. I watched him disappear upstairs, my head full of conflicting thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2 - Counting Titans

**Hi guys! Welcome to my second chapter. If you happen to be liking this series, please drop in a review so I know you exist ;)**

CHAPTER 2: Counting Titans

I have never been in love. While other girls would be desperate to get the attention of someone, I just stood there, empty. Nothing. I didn't like boys, or girls. I never FELT anything towards anyone. I came to identify myself as asexual eventually. It never bothered me. In fact, it was for the best since I couldn't bear the thought of someone I was in love with dying like everyone else in my life.

'Look, if you think you're going to get away with doing a job that poorly then you can do it for the entire week!' As I emerged into the dining room I saw the captain lecturing Oluo. His face was defiantly blank, not at all matching his clearly irritated tone of voice. He acknowledged my presence and turned to me.

'Kamoku, show this twit how to clean.' He stalked off. I turned to Oluo, who sighed and grudgingly led me to the hallway, handing me a duster. I said nothing and set to work. I've always quite enjoyed cleaning- it's a mindless activity and a distraction from life.

'I don't get it, this table's already clean!' Oluo growled. I ran my finger along it and showed him the dust that had collected on my fingertip.

'That is not clean.'

'Don't tell me you're a clean-freak too Kamoku. Besides, I can clean better than you lot put together, I just wasn't trying…'

I approached Captain Levi, broom in hand. 'Finished sir.'

'Let me see.' He strode into the hallway, inspecting every piece of furniture. I waited patiently, staring at the mirror that I was struggling to dress my arm in front of yesterday. Then I remembered the worried look on Levi's face that he had tried to hide when we found Gunther crumpled on the ground. He CARES, I thought. He might not seem to, but he does.

'Where's Bodazo?'

'He left for bed a couple of hours ago sir.'

'Pathetic.' He hissed. 'Good cleaning Kamoku. I admit that I don't think anyone here is as good as you are. Tell Oluo he's an idiot. And that he'll be doing the stables for two weeks from now onwards.' I nodded and started to walk away when Levi stopped me.

'Kansten.'

I swivelled around to face him. 'Captain?'

'Why…' He trailed off, staring intently at me. '…Never mind.'

'No, go on.' I urged him, curious now.

'No. It doesn't matter. Now go.' He frowned at the floor.

'Yes captain.' I climbed the stairs quietly, wondering what he was about to ask me and what stopped him.

The next morning at breakfast Levi announced that Commander Smith was coming to inform us of a rather "different" expedition. One that was risky, a bit of an experiment. We had no idea of anything about it and even though Captain Levi could've known more than he told us, I had a feeling that he was none the wiser. Erwin was notorious for risk taking and elaborate schemes, however he has been very successful in many of his endeavours and was a well-respected man.

I sat at the table with the others waiting for Erwin to come in, and sure enough, he soon did.

'Good morning soldiers, I have come to address you in regard to an expedition I have planned. Levi, I want you to go outside Wall Rose via Karanese with any one comrade of your choice, whoever you think would be most fitted for the job. You are to survey the area and see where the titans are most common and get an estimate on their numbers. This knowledge will assist us on reducing casualties on future excursions. If your chosen comrade does not want to go, they don't have to. But you must go with someone. Leave tomorrow morning and be back by sunset. Do you understand?' Levi nodded. That was all Erwin said before leaving us, the captain dismissing us so he could think. I was certain he would pick Hanji, since she is the 'scientist' of the squad and it seemed like it would be her kind of job. When we were released from our meeting in the dining hall, I started walking back to my room. I figured I could tidy up a bit, read... Well, I didn't really know WHAT I planned to do… I hung up my clothes, made the bed, cleared my desk, and just when I sat down to read there was a knock at my door.

I stared at it, who could THAT be? Who would knock on MY door? I put the book on my bed and walked over to the door, opening it curiously. It was Levi.

'Hello Captain.' I said inquisitively.

'I want to take you on the expedition.' He said abruptly.

Me? He wanted to take ME? 'Oh… Um, of course, it would be an honour sir.'

'I want to see what you can do. Don't be late tomorrow.'

'I won't Captain. Thank you…' He nodded and walked off. I stared after him, blinking several times. I was surprised, VERY surprised. I wanted to be happy about it, but of course I couldn't.

The rest of the evening was boring, and I went to bed in a fruitless attempt to get some sleep in the night since tomorrow I'd be busy. I only to tossed and turned though, dropping off for about half an hour.

I happened to wake up again at five in the morning and we set off at eight, so I tried to go back to sleep, but it was useless. After I'd got dressed I wandered the grounds, I made myself breakfast and cleaned the dining room just because. In fact I ended up cleaning everywhere. At least I'd please _someone_ I suppose.

At seven I heard someone come down the stairs. I craned my neck up. I was sitting against the wall with my legs straight out crossed over and my arms folded. I was just thinking, contemplating life. The Captain frowned at me from the bottom of the stairs. 'What are you doing?'

'Nothing.' I replied, rising stiffly. He raised an eyebrow and disappeared into the dining room. I started putting away the cleaning supplies that Levi hadn't noticed on the other side of the hall. A few minutes later he appeared again, holding his tea cup by the cup rather than the handle and leaning against the door frame. He scanned the room, frowning at the furniture and running his finger along the bookcase nearby. He glared at me, 'have you been cleaning?'

'Yes sir.' I replied, meeting his gaze.

'Why?'

'No particular reason, I just like cleaning and I was bored.'

'Tch.' He grumbled and slunk off into the dining room again. I heard a chair being dragged out and his tea cup being placed on the table. Standing there for a minute, I decided to go outside and get some air.

A while later the Captain appeared behind me, making me jump. I don't know if I'm just jumpy, or if that's a weird thing of his. He told me it was time to go, so I gathered up my horse.

I'd been given it when I joined the scouts for the first time. I had lost it so many times, but it always found its way back to me. I don't like naming things, it becomes too personal, and so it was always just 'my horse'. It wasn't at all interesting, and I felt like I barely knew it. I didn't ever spend time with it when I didn't have to. I don't want to get close to it in case it dies or doesn't come back one day.

We headed off through the gates of the castle, all the way to Karanese in the east. When there, the gatemen had been given a heads up by the Commander that two scouts would be passing through, and so they let us out of the gates. We rode out, counting titans in our heads for as far as we could see. We were to go to three different places and count the titans in the area. One was just empty plains, which we passed through to get elsewhere, one was an abandoned village, and one was a forest of massive trees. It was a liberating expedition, maintaining a quiet, peaceful silence with the Captain as the wind weaved through our hair and rippled in our cloaks. We were scanning the area methodically, occasionally comparing results. We came across a few titans, but killed them with no problem.

It was when we were at our third site –the forest- that everything went wrong…

As we swung through the trees, I took note of the titans in the vicinity. Levi motioned that he would take care of one that was advancing on us. I stopped on a tree branch to rest for a second, counting all the humanoid monsters in the area. I suddenly thought I heard a metallic clang, but wondered what on earth it could've been, and when I swivelled around my face contorted in shock. Levi was FALLING.


	3. Chapter 3 - Stuck In a Tree

**Hi again! I'm so sorry, it's been ages! I was very ill and then life got HECTIC. But nevertheless, here is my next chapter.**

 **Thank you so much for my first review and favourite, it was the best feeling reading it! REMEMBER, if you are reading this, please please take a moment to review it, the amount of confidence it gives me is MASSIVE and the chapters end up coming out quicker!**

 **The only thing I own is my OC (the lovely Kamoku Kansten ;) ) and some of the plot. Attack On Titan belongs to Hajime Isayama, (who is bae). :D**

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CHAPTER 3: Stuck in a tree

'CAPTAIN!' I yelled, soaring down to catch him. He wasn't using his ODM gear and he would be dead if he hit the ground. I flew towards him, arms outstretched. As soon as we collided, I seized him by the jacket, throwing an arm around his abdomen. I aimed for a tree, forgetting completely about the titan on our tail. I felt him slipping out of my grasp, 'I advise you hold on.' I called to him. He –somewhat reluctantly- put his arms around my waist. The titan swung a massive hand at us, I dodged but he caught Levi's dangling legs. He was thrown out of my clutch and hurtled into a tree. He went limp and, yet again, fell. I dived, getting closer and closer to him as he got closer and closer to the ground. I caught him under the arms and zipped up to a massive tree branch. My heart was hammering in my chest but I felt as empty and calm as always. I laid him on his back and grabbed his wrist, trying to find a pulse. I was greeted with a thudding. He was alive. Unconscious, but alive. There was blood saturating his hair. Taking off my cloak, I acted on instinct and ripped a strip off of the bottom of it, and wound it around his head. Then I noticed a bloody graze on the back of his hand and dressed that too. As I was tying it off, he stirred. I wiped my brow with the back of my hand, sitting back. He sat up groggily.

'Welcome back Captain.' I said as he propped himself up. 'You took a nasty hit to the back of your head.'

He grimaced and scowled, attempting to stand, but inhaling sharply and grabbing the tree trunk as he leant on his twisted leg. He sighed, 'Shit.' He slid back down, sitting. I peered at his foot.

'Broken d'you reckon?'

He nodded. 'What made you fall?' I asked.

He frowned as if trying to remember, and then looked at me and said, 'my ODM gear broke. It just suddenly stopped working mid-air. But, how did I… I thought you caught me…'

'I did.' I replied. 'But the titan whacked you into a tree.' We simultaneously looked down at the titan fruitlessly clawing at the tree trunk way below us. 'How are we going to get back?' I murmured.

' _We're_ not. _You_ are. Leave me here or we'll both die.' Captain Levi snapped. I stared at him. For a moment I forgot completely that he was my Captain and retorted,

'Absolutely not. No _way_ am I leaving you here to die. I'll find a way.'

'Don't be an idiot, I'm not going anywhere. That's an ORDER.'

I stared at him blankly. 'Order denied. You are coming with me like it or not Captain.'

'Do you want to lose your position here?'

'You need me a whole lot more than I need you.'

'Meaning?'

'The scouts are desperate for soldiers. I am not desperate.' If looks could kill, I'd have been in pieces. He was fuming, but I wasn't intimidated. If we live, he might fire me but he'll survive, if I leave him, humanity will lose its strongest soldier. If we die… Then no one wins.

I watched as the sun glinted through the leaves that cascaded in a dome around us. It was setting.

'We can't travel by night, we have no choice but to sleep in this tree.' I stated. Levi rested his bandaged head against its trunk, scowling.

'We'll fall out.'

He had a point. I furrowed my brow in concentration, trying to think of a way around the issue.

'I know, we can use our harnesses to tie ourselves to the tree.'

The Captain looked at me as I were a lunatic, then frowned, sighed and reluctantly nodded, 'Fine.' He started tugging at his harness. He was struggling with the bandage on his hand. Much to his indignation, I had to help him. I could tell he was angry at himself for getting hurt. Once we were both tied to a branch, we sat in silence.

'Thank you.' He said quietly.

I nodded in reply. 'Don't blame yourself Captain, even humanity's strongest gets injured.' He sighed, and said no more.

He took a while to fall asleep. All through the night I kept a lookout, no titans bothered us apart from the one that'd harassed us earlier and we were about 30 metres high. I didn't sleep, I've always suffered from extreme insomnia and prefer to sleep in the day. I sounds stupid but ever since I was little I was afraid to fall asleep in the dark, when people can sneak up on you. Darkness makes you vulnerable.

So I watched the Captain sleep instead. It was so strange to see him with no frown on his face. He was so peaceful, so INNOCENT. He didn't have that look of coldness and irritation.

I was awoken by the roaring of the same titan as yesterday. Hm, I must've got an hour or so. I untied myself from the tree and stared at it for a while until it drove me mad and I soared down to slaughter it. To somewhat preserve his dignity, I unbuckled the Captain while he slept, watching him closely, just in case he fell. I contemplated about how on Earth we were going to survive the trip back. Luckily we weren't far away from the wall, but it was still a suicide mission. I decided to search for our horses once Captain Levi had woken up as a last resort. He started to loll to one side, so I rushed over to push him upright again. This woke him up, and so we conducted a plan.

I would go out in search of one of our horses in the forest. If I sent up a green flare, it meant I'd found one, and so Levi would fire back a purple one so I could find my way back. If I was lost, I'd fire a red one, and Levi would fire his purple one back. If Levi spotted a horse, he'd fire a green flare and I would fire a green flare back and if he spotted a titan near the tree he'd shoot out a red one and I'd reply with a red one to say I understood. We had every eventuality accounted for, and with that, I set off, spinning head-over-heels through the trees with the wind in my face. ODM gear was the best part about the scouts, it was like flying, it was liberating. I've been told I'm humanity's best ODM gear user, closely followed by Levi.

I spent half an hour searching, keeping an eye on the sky for flares. I scanned the ground, a small brown moving thing catching the corner of my eye. It was Levi's horse. It was a miracle. I zipped to the ground and mounted it, charging through the forest, hoping not to come across any titans. That would be just my luck. Then I remembered, _green flare_. I loaded my flare gun and pulled the trigger, watching it fly into the sky. I was greeted seconds later by a purple stream of smoke, which I followed back gladly. I zipped back up into the tree.

'Ready?'

'What for?'

I rolled my eyes. ' _To get out of here._ '

'I'm not moving. Go.' He folded his arms defiantly. But I was at the end of my tether. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him upright, he was quite light actually. He cried out in pain, but that couldn't be helped right now. He tried to fight me, but he was handicapped and I dodged his flails easily. Now lopsidedly standing, I shoved him off the branch. He tumbled backwards, and I caught him as he fell, cascading down the side of the tree. I landed on the horse, kicking it into motion while I let Levi get his bearings and sit up. I was practically _dragging_ him. He yelled at me with a face of thunder.

'YOU IDIOTIC BASTARD! NOW WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE! DO YOU REALISE-'

'Do _you_ realise that having you on the back of this horse isn't going to stop me? And whatever threats you throw at me, I am not. Leaving. You. Behind. Now hold on for God's sake.' I spoke sternly to get his attention.

He went silent, refusing to hold on to me. _Fine_ , I thought, _have it your way_. I leant forwards, making the horse go faster and faster. All of a sudden it jumped over a log and we both jolted. As soon as it had happened, I felt Levi's arms wrap around my waist in desperation not to fall off.

I wondered what boundaries I'd pushed by defying my Captain's orders. Probably a few too many…


	4. Chapter 4 - The Great Escape

**Hello hello hello again! As promised, Thursday's update is here! This chapter is SLIGHTLY shorter than my previous, but I will upload again asap.**

 **Remember!**

 **PLEASE REVIEW.**

 **I am a new author so not many people will be reading this, and so far I have two reviews. THEY'RE AMAZING! Thank you so so much for reviewing you peeps, and I hope you continue to enjoy this story :)**

 **I do not own Attack On Titan, only my OC and some of dat plot ya'll.**

CHAPTER FOUR: The Great Escape

'Keep a look out Captain.' I called to him as we charged through the forest and onto the plains between us and the wall. I scanned the area, I could see a titan far away, but it might even be too far away to notice us. Hopefully. I didn't exactly have a plan on how I was going to kill titans now that we were on open ground. I guess I'd have to wing it. 'If a titan attacks I'll jump off.' Levi threatened.

'And I'll just get myself killed going back after you.'

'You wouldn't.'

'You wanna take that risk?'

'You are in a HELL of trouble!' He growled. I could tell I was winding him up, but I really didn't care.

'I know. But getting you back alive is worth it.' At this point I wasn't thinking about the consequences, I was getting him back, no matter what.

'On your left, 10 metre.' Levi warned. I reared my horse, halting. I'd have to fight it, its ugly face was looming over us hungrily, its shadow blocking out the sun.

'Captain, grab hold of the reins!' I shouted, digging my ODM gear into the titan's shoulders and propelling myself off of the horse. I reeled myself in towards it, blades at the ready. Landing on its stomach, I clambered up it. It seemed to be fixated on Levi, so I swung around and sliced its nape, jumping off its head before I went down with it. I ran at the horse, Levi slowed it down and I retook my place at the front. As we rode on, I thought about how lucky we were. It was so quiet. We passed a small house, it was dilapidated and was mainly built from wood. As I was staring at it, it shattered into pieces, revealing an abnormal on all fours. It lunged at us. It sent debris from a nearby hut hurling at us, and in my moment of panic, I had only one thought. _Protect the captain._ I clenched my legs around my steed in an attempt to hold on and threw myself body in front of the captain, shielding my face with one hand and gripping the reins with the other. A piece hit my arm, sending a shockwave of pain through it. Gritting my teeth as the debris landed, I slid back to the front of the horse, begging it to go faster in my head. I could see the wall ahead of me. I saw the titan out of the corner of my eye. Could I make it from here? The titan was right on our tail, we had no choice. It would get us with the next bite. I grabbed Levi, 'COME ON; WE HAVE TO JUMP!' I shouted. He understood, and I fired a grappling hook at the wall, pulling us both with it. As we soared towards the wall, I looked down, the titan had bitten off the back end of Levi's horse in an attempt to eat us.

We reached the top of the wall, landing on top of it and abseiling down the other side. We were back to safety- back in Karanese. I helped Levi limp through town, weaving through the crowd. We were going to take days to get back at this rate. An old woman saw and came up to us. 'Are you alright my dears? You look pretty hurt.'

'Is there any way you could help? The Captain has a broken leg.' I nodded in Levi's direction.

I ignored Levi's glare. She looked uncomfortable. 'You see, I would lend you a horse, but… I don't know you. You never know people these days.'

'Ah yes, I understand.' It was true, it has been known that people steal horses by feigning injuries.

She frowned, 'Where are the rest of the scouts? I didn't see them come through town.'

'No, it was just the two of us.'

She looked sceptical. 'Only two of you on an expedition?'

'I know, it doesn't seem a likely story. Thank you for your concern though. You are a good person to approach us, you don't need to give us anything.'

The woman looked pained. 'I _do_ want to help, but I've had a horse stolen from me before. They claimed to need it to get to their sick daughter, but never brought the horse back.'

'I'm so sorry. That's awful.' I tried to put emotion in my words but I failed. It came out monotone and uninterested.

'Come on, let's just go already.' Levi growled in my ear. His arm was slumped over my shoulders, his bad leg hovering just above the ground.

'You have no reason to trust me, and I'm most likely wasting my breath, but I do not steal from people.' I said.

The woman chewed on her lip indecisive. 'Are you from around here dear?'

'No, I'm from the next district- from wall Maria.'

'Ah, that's where I used to live. I know a lot of people from there.'

Suddenly, an idea sprung into my mind. It was worth a try… 'I don't suppose you know the …Cardellinos?'

'Cardellino? I know a couple by the name of Cardellino.' I stared at her disbelievingly. It's a miracle. Could it be? Could this woman have known the Cardellinos – friends of my parents?

'You do?'

'Yes. Why?'

'Then do you know Carissa and Romery? They died when a titan killed them by the gate. Their daughter saw everything.'

'Oh! Yes I knew them very well, I trusted them and they were good people… How do you know them?'

'I'm the Cardellinos daughter.' I lied. I hoped that this woman didn't know them TOO well, and that Levi would stay quiet and let me do my thing. The Cardellinos were friends of my parents and moved away when I was about twelve. Their daughter was the same age as me.

'Oh right, you must be Natalie! You've changed a lot since you were little. Well I suppose I trust that family so…'


	5. Chapter 5 - Homeward Bound

**Hellooooooo wonderful people! So because the last chapter was kinda short, and the next one was all good and ready to be published, I thought, why not release it early? You peeps deserve it ;)**

 **And the mention of my third review will not go amiss! Thank you so so much!**

 **I DO NOT OWN THIS ANIME. PLZ DON'T ARREST MEH XD. (But I own some plot and my OC (: )**

CHAPTER FIVE: Home

She lent us her horse after I introduced myself as the Cardellinos' daughter, which I promised to give back as soon as I could. Levi didn't say much on the way back, just sat in silence.

We EVENTUALLY got to the gates; it was late and the sun was starting to set. 'We survived.' I pointed out. Levi didn't respond. As we came into the courtyard, I noticed Petra feeding the horses wearily. She looked distraught.

'Hey, Petra!' I called out. She looked around in confusion, eventually laying eyes on me. Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open.

'W- What? You're ALIVE?! How?'

'Long story. A little help would be nice if you don't mind, the captain needs to get to the infirmary. Broken ankle.'

Petra was still frozen with shock. She was babbling in relief with tears in her eyes. 'Oh my god, Captain you're alive! Oh my, I don't know HOW ON EARTH you did it but this is… Amazi-'

'Petra.' I reminded her patiently.

'Oh, right, sorry…' We helped Captain Levi inside, got him to the infirmary and I collapsed in a chair. I was jaded from the lack of sleep, the adrenaline and stress. We'd done such a long journey too. I put my head on my arms on the dining room table, closing my eyes...

I raised my head, squinting. I was still at the table. Everyone was staring at me, sitting in their respective seats. I sat back, rubbing my eyes sleepily.

'Um, you sort of fell asleep and we didn't want to wake you so… We left you there.' Petra explained. I nodded, understanding. I looked over at Levi, who was giving me a death glare. I didn't know whether he really meant it, or if he was just putting on his normal face. There were a pair of wooden crutches leaning against the wall behind him. 'How did you survive? What happened?' Hanji blurted, staring at me intensely.

Petra laughed. 'You owe her your story,' she said cheerfully, 'she even wanted to wake you just to ask you and Captain Levi wasn't in the mood to tell us.'

I glanced at Levi, whose scowl deepened.

'Um, well, the captain's ODM gear stopped working, so we were stuck and we had to abandon our horses to narrowly escape being eaten. They ran away in terror. It was getting dark, so we had to sleep in a tree overnight. The next morning I went to look for them and found the captain's. We rode back to the wall but an abnormal gave us trouble. As a result Captain Levi's leg ended up broken and we were lent a horse from a lady in Karanese to get back.' They were silent. By the look on their faces they seemed to buy it. Levi looked down into his tea, frowning at my slightly twisted version of the truth.

Later I went down to the supplies room to examine Levi's ODM gear. I liked fixing things, so I decided that that was what my evening entertainment should be. I found the issue, a simple malfunction. It took about an hour to fix it and I took it out to the forest nearby to test it out. I hoped I really had fixed the problem as I jumped, soaring high into the air and flipping repeatedly head over heels. I reeled both of my grappling hooks in, nose-diving towards the ground and pulling up at the last minutes, inches from the forest floor as I shot through the air from the momentum like a bullet. I threw myself through the air - this is what freedom feels like. After zipping around the forest I concluded that I'd fixed the issue since I hadn't fallen to my death. I put it back in the supply room and wandered back to my room in the pitch black. As I walked down the corridor someone called out to me in the dark.

'Hey, what are you doing up at this hour?'

'Captain.' I nodded respectfully as I made out his figure in the darkness. 'I was just wandering around. By the way are you going to fire me?'

'No. But why did you lie earlier?'

'I don't know. I guess I was trying to do you a favour and make it sound more dignified,' I shrugged.

'I don't need you to do me any favours.' He spat, stalking off past me.

Erwin decided that since our two-man mission had been an utter disaster, he would stick to expeditions with the entire regiment. He sent us out again not long after the Captain's ankle had healed. It was strange, of all the threats he threw at me out on the expedition, he gave me no punishment whatsoever. In fact, he seemed an ever so tiny bit more friendly…

The most recent expedition had not gone well. Many had died, and it seemed to hit the Captain pretty hard. Since I have no emotions of my own that cloud my judgement and preoccupy me, I am exceptionally good at noticing other people's. So despite the front Captain Levi puts on, I can tell EXACTLY what he is feeling. And that day, he was not feeling particularly friendly.

'Hey, Kansten.'  
I turned around in the corridor, pausing in my tracks. 'Captain?' He looked furious.  
'Wipe that expression off of your face!' He fumed, marching up to me. I stood stock still, cocking my head to one side slightly in confusion. I was wearing… An EXPRESSION?

'What expression Sir?'  
'THAT expression.' He jabbed his finger at my face. 'The one you always wear! Don't you CARE that your comrades have died today?!'  
I sighed. 'I'm sorry I come across that way. I do care, but...'  
'But?'  
I shook my head. 'You wouldn't understand.' I tried to get it across that I wasn't going to spend my time explaining. He'd just think I was mad. Or lying.  
'Excuse me? You will give me an explanation or you will do the stables for a week!'  
That was an easy choice, I didn't mind cleaning.  
'Stables it is then Captain.' I said, turning my back on him and walking down the corridor. I needed to be alone. I'd go to a spot I liked by a cliff, I liked it there, no one else knows where it was.  
'Hey! Come back here right now! I'm not done with you!' Levi seethed.  
I ignored him. He may be my superior, but he'd never intimidated me and I didn't care if he made me clean.

I threw a rock off of the edge of the cliff. 'No one understands...' I told myself. 'Why do I always survive? Why haven't I died yet?' I paused, picking up another rock. 'You're a ROBOT Kamoku, you are the only person on this Earth with no emotions. Even the doctors didn't know what to do with you.' I sighed and sat down heavily. I wanted to be angry, sad, frustrated with myself, but I felt nothing. I was empty. 'I have no one left.' I mumbled quietly, turning the stone in my hands as I contemplated my life. 'Everyone has someone. Except me. Even LEVI has someone. Somewhere... he must do...'  
'Not necessarily.'  
I jumped out of my skin, turning around sharply.


	6. Chapter 6 - You Wouldn't Understand

CHAPTER 6: You Wouldn't Understand

'You followed me.'  
'You think I won't understand? Try me Kansten.' The captain sat down on a boulder, one leg hanging over the side of it, hovering just above the ground and the other knee up by his chest, his arm draped over it.  
I sighed, giving in. If he wanted to know, then let him have it. 'Fine... You know how you always put on your glare to hide what you're feeling? No one knows if you're angry or sad, because you wear the same face all the time to hide it.' I looked up at him, he glared at me but said nothing. 'Well I'm the same, except while you hide whatever you're feeling, I have nothing to hide. I feel nothing. With everything... that's happened to me in life... I've just sort of, lost all sense of emotion. Call me a lunatic. I can't be offended. I don't care. I see people die, and I feel nothing. I'll stare at a wall for hours on end, wanting to be angry at myself- but I feel NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. And don't get me wrong, I do CARE when people die, I don't want them to die, but I can't be sad for them.'  
'So what's "happened to you in life"?' He narrowed his eyes sceptically.  
'I've lost... everyone. Literally everyone. I don't expect you to understand…'  
'Tch, go on.'  
'Y- You want me to… You want to know?' I was perplexed.  
'Yeah.'

It dawned on me then, he wanted to hear my LIFE STORY... I took a deep breath, no one knew my full story except me. No one ever asked so I never told…

'Well… I was born in The Underground City. That's where all the poor people sat and rotted. You never knew when you were going to be get food. My parents tried hard as they could to feed me. They were desperate. I did have a brother, but he committed suicide when I was a baby. I also had a sister but she starved to death when I was two. I remember once when I was about three, I hadn't eaten anything in a week. I could barely sit up. A boy came up to me -I don't remember much about him, but now I think about it, he looked a bit like you. He was about ten, and gave me a piece of bread. I was so grateful. He was our neighbour, living next door with a man called Kenny.' I swore I heard Levi take in a sharp breath. I looked up at him, but night had fallen and darkness shrouded his face. Frowning, I continued.

'When I was five years old, my parents joined the cadets to try and get a citizenship on the surface. They were very good at what they did and joined the Survey Corps in no time. For two years I lived a good life with my parents in the district on the East side of wall Maria. I always wondered what they did, why they would disappear for days on end and come back weary and depressed. One day, being curious, I decided to follow my parents outside the walls.' I paused, my breath hitching at the memory.

'No one noticed me slip under the gate, I don't know what I was thinking… I watched my parents ride away with their comrades. Then I heard a roar. It was terrifying. Six massive… THINGS… came out of the forest that my parents went into. I heard people shouting. They were… the first titans I ever saw. The scouts were riding back knowing that they were done for on open ground. I looked to my left, and there… was a titan… Coming after me… I ran back to the gate screaming for someone to open it. As it ran at me, the gate watchers noticed the scouts running at the gate. They started opening it. I slid under as soon as I could, but cut my face as I did.' I struggled to speak, but I looked Levi straight in the eyes and pulled back my hair, showing the massive scar down my right cheek that no one ever seems to mention, and carried on.

'As I lay on the ground, back to safety, my parents reached the gate. They… They started to slide underneath but the titan that came for me… it… It…' I gripped the stone that I'd been clutching in my hand and lobbed it over the edge.

'It was horrible. Brutal. Slow and agonising.' I breathed in steadily. It was so physically difficult to say out loud. The Captain was totally silent. 'No one survived. If I hadn't attracted that titan, maybe they could have lived…'

'So the people you mentioned to that woman were your parents?' The Captain finally spoke.

'Yes, Carissa and Romery. I was adopted by an older couple, but I never spoke to them. I hated looking at myself in the mirror, so I put on a hood that I NEVER took off. I wasn't ashamed of my scar, it was something deeper than that. I was never vain. They tried so hard to raise me… When I was older I made it my life goal to kill the SPECIFIC titan that killed my parents so I joined the cadets. The death of my parents never put me off the Survey Corps, only made me more eager to join them. As soon as I was accepted into the scout regiment, I went to visit my adopted parents... I found them dead. Knife to the heart. By whom I still don't know. Nor why. They were respectable people, never made an enemy out of anyone. I took a spoon…' I unhooked a tiny wooden spoon from my belt and held it up, staring at it blankly. 'I would only ever eat with this spoon when I was little - It was my favourite, so I took it as a reminder of them.

'After that I devoted my life to the scouts, dedicated to finding and killing that titan that I despised so much although I knew deep down that the chances of finding it were second to none. It took four years for most of my comrades and both of my friends to die. I was alone again. With the little of us that was left, we went on an expedition. I still didn't speak and no one knew what I looked like. As we were awaiting orders from our commander in the trees, I heard a roar. A titan. I glanced over nonchalantly at it, only to RECOGNIZE IT'S FACE. It was the same one, the one that ate my parents… That day I lost it. It was the first time I'd been angry since my adopted parents died. It just brought back so many memories. I screamed and charged at it, hacking it to tiny pieces and collapsing in a heap. Everyone was shocked at my outburst.

I spent a year in psychological rehabilitation, recovering from the trauma. I showed my face more and more, I started talking again. Then I was looking for a job outside of my area. And I found you guys.'

There was a silence. I hugged my knees to me chest, overwhelmed by the prospect of telling someone everything that's happened in my life for the first time.


	7. Chapter 7 - Mood Swings

**HELLO! I will not be able to get back the 30,000 bloody words I've written, but do not worry! I am not giving up on you people and because I have been absent for so long I have made this chapter almost 2,000 words long. (PS If you have no idea what I'm talking about see the author's note at the end of the last chapter XD)**

 **Well! That was a bit of a saga. So so sorry you had to wait like, a MONTH for this, I hope it doesn't disappoint.**

 **I ONLY OWN SOME OF THE PLOT AND KAMOKU, NO ONE ELSE. (well, apart from 3 unnamed scouts featured in this chapter) ;)**

We sat in silence.

'Tch. Don't ever judge me again.' Levi growled, rising.

'What?'

'All that 'you wouldn't understand'. Bullshit. You don't know me.'

I stared at him, thinking: he's right. I assumed he knew nothing of the pain and loss I knew, but who was I to assume that?

'No, I don't. I apologise.'

He scoffed. 'You say some kid gave you bread?' I nodded silently. 'Huh, I remember giving you that. You've changed a lot. Stables tomorrow.' He walked off into the darkness, leaving me to take in what he had just said.

The next morning was chilly, a cold breeze whipped around the castle. I made my way to the stables; no one was there. Well, I was half an hour early. I set about sweeping the floor, concentrating on only that. It was rather therapeutic… Well… As therapeutic as therapy can get with me.

'Oh, you're here.' I jumped out of my skin. Seriously, is he TRYING to give me a heart attack? I saluted,

'Morning Captain.'

He sighed. 'Let's get this over with brat.' I raised my eyebrow. Brat? What was I, five? How bemusing. I continued to sweep the floor as the captain scrubbed the walls with his bandanna and face mask. He really was obsessed, and he was REALLY repelled by dirt.

I worked for about two hours, scrubbing away every bit of dirt I saw. Levi finished his side of the stables before me, despite me getting a head start, and leant against a pillar, arms folded, while he waited. When I'd done and he'd checked my work, I decided to ask him about something that had been bothering me the whole time:

He looked sad.

'Sir?' I enquired. He glanced over at me.

'It probably isn't my place but… What's wrong?'

He immediately went on the defensive. 'Wrong? There's nothing wrong. You are dismissed you know.'

'I understand If you don't want to tell me Captain, but I don't appreciate being lied to,' I said bluntly. He frowned angrily, creases appearing around his eyes.

'What are you on about?'

'You look sad, but you told me there is nothing wrong. That makes your statement a lie,' I explained slowly. He looked a little taken aback by the statement 'you look sad'.

'Ok fine, I lied, but it's none of your business. Just… Get out of my sight!' He snapped.

'Of course, Captain,' I nodded and wandered off nonchalantly. Wow, someone isn't used to people knowing what's inside their head. I must admit, his expressions ARE hard to read, even for me. He seems extra irritated at the moment, I can tell he's not always like this by the expression on his squad's faces when he snaps at them. Hm. Maybe it's me pissing him off.

For every day of my "punishment", Levi was not happy. He was quiet and brooding, and a melancholy feeling hung in the air around him. I wracked my brain trying to think what it could be, and, on the last day, when I'd finished before him, I sat contemplating it.

'What's that face for?' I looked up at the source of the voice, who'd stopped cleaning and was glaring down at me. I realised I'd been frowning in concentration.

'I'm just thinking,' I replied.

'About what?'

I shook my head dismissively. 'You wouldn't like it.'

'Oh yeah?' He challenged. He folded his arms.

'I was just wondering why you are so unhappy at the moment.'

He scowled. 'Would you drop it already?'

'I told you you wouldn't like it.'

'Maybe it's because I'm a HUMAN with _actual emotions_!' He hissed. I frowned.

'Was that meant to be offensive?' I asked innocently.

He deadpanned, looking guilty. 'It's ok sir, I can't be insulted.' The Captain sighed. 'Look,' I began, 'no one else asks whether you are alright because of your unapproachable scowl, but I'm afraid it doesn't work on me.' An idea suddenly struck me as to why he could be so miserable. He's been this way ever since…

'Sir, I think I've got it. It's me. You mentioned that I don't know what you've been through, and I don't. But maybe since I told you about my…' He shook his head and I trailed off.

'You some kind of bloody mind reader?'

'Um, no…'

'Tch. Well congratulations Kansten, you've cracked me. I hope your happy. Now shut it before I-'

 _Make you clean?_ Yeah, doesn't exactly work on me as a punishment.

He sighed wearily. 'Just go.'

I nodded and trudged off. He was a difficult character.

The following week, things brightened up. We were on our lunch break outside, and I was quietly listening to Eld and Petra's conversation. The Captain sat next to me at the end of the bench. He didn't speak. Suddenly, from the other side of the bench area, we heard yelling. Two of the new scouts had broken into a fight. A dark haired freckled girl and a taller boy were shouting down at a smaller guy, and they crowded him threateningly. My initial thought was: _he's gonna get hurt._ I jumped up from my seat and bolted over as the couple began to close in. I dived in the way, my arms outstretched.

'Huh? What are you doing? Get out of our WAY!' The girl snapped at me. I stood there defiantly.

'I can't let you hurt him, now calm down please.' The guy cowered behind me; I noticed my squad rushing over. A crowd was beginning to form around us.

'If you don't move…' The girl warned, 'We'll beat you as well.'

I shrugged. 'Fine.' She swung a fist at me, which I blocked lazily. Her friend joined in, shoving me. I was a hell of a lot smaller than him, and staggered backwards, losing my footing. Landing on the ground, I raised my foot ready to push him away as her towered over me. Suddenly he stumbled backwards. Then I realised that Captain Levi had dragged him away, but he was so small in comparison that I hadn't initially seen him. I got to my feet as the squad incapacitated the couple. I stared down at them, satisfied. The girl was screeching at them angrily. The smaller guy was fine, luckily. The Captain came up to me.

'You ok?' He asked me.

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'Good. And well done, not many people would protect someone from two people that were twice the size of them.'

I shrugged. 'Can't have innocent people getting hurt.' He nodded approvingly. Honestly, his mood swings confused me. Well at least the rest of us enjoyed the view of the couple running around the castle for the rest of the day.

After our lunch break we went to the yard to train. We stood in a semi-circle around the Captain, who explained the activity.

'We're practising hand-to-hand combat this afternoon. No weapons, use classic combat techniques. That means no biting, scratching or any of that shit. The goal is to floor your opponent, whether that's with judo-like techniques or simply beating them down.' The captain stated. 'There's an odd number of us so I'll have to join in. Get into pairs.' Everyone scrambled to find a partner. I just stood there blinking as they rushed about, fighting over each other. They settled down eventually.

'Right, Kamoku, you're with me then. Start.' He came over.

'I've heard you are exceptional at combat sir.' I commented. There was no WAY I would be able to stand a chance. 'Tch. Just do your best ok?' He said. I nodded and stood en guarde. He stood in a ready position, but a very different one from anything we learnt back in the cadets. He didn't even protect his body. I went for it, diving in quickly, but he lazily blocked me, grabbing my arm and throwing me over his shoulder. He was so quick he didn't even NEED to bother holding his arms up to protect himself. I managed to land on my feet, and surprised him by elbowing him. I swivelled around, dodging his kick. Skipping around him nimby, I circled him and tried to get to his face. It was impossible, and what's more, every time he blocked one of my attacks, he would turn it on me. He was getting the better of me. I tried to pick up some of his moves, ducking under his punches and twisting his arm. I could tell he wasn't letting me off easy, and he was tiring me out.

'You're good Kansten.' He remarked dryly. I kept my gaze on his eyes, and realised something. He was looking where he was about to hit. Huh, I could use that to my advantage. I followed his eyes, block, circle, attack, circle. I jumped, throwing a kick at him, it was daring, but worth a try. I stuck my leg out, only to hit air as he bent himself backwards to dodge it. It barely missed his nose. As I landed, he and I both knew I was in a vulnerable position, and he leapt at me, pinning me to the floor. I fell hard on my back. 'Damn,' I muttered. He stood up and brushed himself off as I got to my feet.

'Well done Kamoku! I've never seen anyone last that long!' Petra squeaked. The Captain and I looked around, and the squad were all stood there watching.

'Hey. Back to work.' The captain grumbled.

'Y- yes sir!' They all scattered sharpish.

'Tch. Where'd you learn Kamoku?' He asked me.

'Um, the cadets, like everyone else sir…' I raised an eyebrow.

'You don't learn what you know from the cadets.' Wow. He's attentive.

'I learnt as a child. I had nothing else to do.'

'Huh. I wanna see you fight one of the others. Hey, you lot, partner swap.' He called. He muttered to me, 'Gunther's the best at this, try him.' I nodded and asked Gunther politely to be partners with him, which he accepted.

I stood opposite him, fists raised. He kept his gaze on my eyes. I didn't have that advantage this time. As he threw attacks my way, (which didn't hit me), I learnt that his style was very textbook. He became quite predictable. He kicked me in the stomach and winded me, catching me off-guard. I wheezed, gritting my teeth through the pain. He was taller and stronger than me, but I was faster. I ducked under a punch, hitting him in his solar plexus. He stumbled, and I took the opportunity to kick him in the leg. He fell forwards, and I darted behind him, hitting the back of his knee. He fell into the dirt, and I wiped my brow. 'Well done Gunther, you did great.' I told him monotonously, pulling him to his feet.

'Wow, you're amazing Kamoku! You DESTROYED me.' He replied, a bit breathless.

'Er… Thanks.' I said awkwardly.

'Yes, well done.' A cool voice said from behind me. It startled me, and I turned around sharply. Captain Levi raised an eyebrow at me. 'You jump easily.' He remarked.

'Yes, I do, but YOU keep appearing out of nowhere.' I could've sworn I saw a smirk flash on his face at that comment. _Wait_ , I thought, _isn't he meant to be fighting Oluo?_ I peered over his shoulder and Oluo was grumbling as he brushed dirt off himself. Well, he didn't last long.

It was at that moment that something crazy happened. Hanji came running over to us, screaming and waving her arms. She was red in the face and looked very stressed. We all looked over at her in surprise.

'THE TITANS!' She screamed. 'MY TITANS HAVE GOT AWAY!'


	8. Chapter 8 - A Date with Death

**Hellooooo Dearest Ones, here is yo next chapterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **I OWN SOME PLOT AND MY OC AND THAT IS ALL.**

 **CREDIT TO HAJIME ISAYAMA FOR CREATING THIS AWESOME ANIME**

'What?!' Gunther gasped. Hanji skidded to a halt in front of us. She flapped around frantically.

'OH MY GOD THE TITANS HAVE ESCAPED THEY'RE ATTACKING PEOPLE GUYS WE NEED YOUR HELP!'

'Calm down Shitty Glasses, we're on our way. Everyone, get ODM gear and await my orders.' Levi said quite calmly.

'Yes sir!' The group said simultaneously, and we all bolted across the field. _Hanji's titans have escaped?_ I thought as I dashed across the grass of the training yard to the storage room. _That could get catastrophic. Hopefully no one gets hurt._

We sat in the storage room buckling up, and Petra was getting frustrated and was fumbling. Having finished, I stood up and walked over to her to help her.

'You are only struggling because you are in a panic, calm down and then try.'

'OK, OK…' She slowed down, taking her time, and slipped the buckle in perfectly.

'There. You need a calm head in battle.' I told her.

She smiled at me gratefully.

The Captain was peering at his gear in confusion. I wandered over.

'Is your gear working now Sir?'

'…I… Don't get it… There's nothing wrong with it.' He looked embarrassed.

'I do.' I replied. 'The exo-receptor got jammed in the primary cog.' I pointed to the respective parts. 'I fixed it.'

'You did? Why?'

I shrugged. 'I was bored.'

'Do you often go around cleaning and fixing things when you are bored?'

I thought about it and then nodded.

'Tch. Weird. Alright brats, you done?' Levi sighed, standing up. We all nodded, and gathered around him.

'OK, you guys know what to do. They may have even already got them, but if not, kill them. I don't care what Four Eyes says, we're killing the bastards. If they've re-captured them, see to any casualties. Got it?' We nodded in understanding and followed him outside, shooting our hooks at the wall and zipping onto the castle roof.

As we neared the scene, we got a shock. No one was attacking them, they were all just running around in a flap like headless chickens. Oluo groaned. 'Tch, these IDIOTS don't know what they are doing!' He grumbled. I raised my eyebrow, my gaze landing on his cravat. He always acted suspiciously like the Captain, as if he was trying to imitate him…

Suddenly a wail reached my ears; one of the three titans on the loose had snatched up a young blonde woman, who screeched and thrashed hopelessly, yelling for help.

My body went into overdrive, seizing up and throwing me through the air in a desperate attempt to save her. I fired into the tower opposite the yard below me, soaring through the air with my swords at the ready. In my periphery, I saw her come extremely close to its mouth, and as I sliced its nape, a bloodcurdling scream rang throughout the yard. I cascaded towards the ground with the falling titan, and collapsed on top of it in a heap of smoke. Jumping up, I hacked the blood-soaked and sobbing woman out of its hand. She wept unintelligible words as I eased her out of its slackened grasp, and noticed that she had a massive tooth-shaped gash across her middle. She was beyond saving. She shook in my arms, grabbing the front of my jacket in desperation and fear.

'H- H- H- Help m- me… I d- don't want to d- die…' She cried.

'I know.' I sighed, staring at her blankly. Another one bites the dust. I glanced up as a shadow fell across me. Levi was watching gravely. He knelt down and took one of her hands. I slipped my hand into her other.

'You fought well soldier.' I told her. It didn't contain any feeling, and inside I felt empty as ever, but I made an effort to sound genuine.

'I- I- I did?' She asked, eyes wide.

'Yes. You did. You have my ultimate respect.'

'And mine.' The Captain murmured. Her glassy gaze drifted to him.

'Th- thank you…' She smiled weakly and closed her eyes before going limp in my arms. I laid her down gently. Levi stood, his expression sombre.

'I didn't make it in time.' I commented.

Levi gave me a weird look and said nothing.

'What?' I enquired, cocking my head to one side.

'You do care…' He remarked, sounding almost… _Surprised_.

'Yes, I do.'

He glanced down at the motionless girl with sad eyes.

'At least you tried Kansten… I just… Stood there in shock.' I put my hand on his shoulder and stared straight at him. He met my gaze.

'You can't save everyone Captain, you should know that by now.'

'Easy for you to say, you don't feel guilt.'

'I suppose.' I shrugged. It was true, my life was almost like a game. Something gets sacrificed, it doesn't matter because it's only a game. It's not real. I have always felt so far removed from reality in that sense.

The yard was filled with the smoke of dead titans. The Levi Squad had killed them all. The girl was carried away on a stretcher, and the Captain and I were given solemn looks as we appeared through the smoke with human blood covering our uniforms. Blood that would not evaporate into steam… Blood that STAINS, sticks to you. A reminder of one's failure to save a comrade.

I found Hanji in the corner, in a state at the destruction before her. She was a quivering wreck.

'Hanji?' I approached her. She turned to me, despair written all over her face.

'I'm so sorry Kamoku! This is my fault! Someone died because of me!' She babbled, waving her arms frantically. I grabbed them, pinning them to her sides.

'Hanji. It isn't your fault they escaped. You just take care of them, don't you? You aren't responsible for tying them down, and therefore there's nothing you could've done within the boundaries of your duties.' She deadpanned, taking it in.

'...But…' She trailed off.

'See? Not your fault, OK?' She nodded quietly, her eyes wide and innocent, like a child. 'Good.' I replied, sauntering off and leaving her silent.

It took a lot of work to get the blood off. I stood under the warm running water of the shower, scrubbing at my hands. The water was tinted red as it disappeared down the drain, and my hands became raw from scrubbing them so hard. My uniform was harder, but I managed to fix that up too with an evening of washing.

The girl was held a small funeral, in which some of her friends tearfully said a few words about her, and thanked me for trying to save her life. She was cremated before us, and, with Erwin at the top of two lines that ran down either side of her burning body, we saluted in her memory. Glancing over at Levi, I saw his scowl deepen.

He was trying not to let it get to him.

The wind, which tended to be particularly strong in Karanese, thrust my hair back out of my face as hooves echoed through the tunnel of the gate. We were out on another expedition, and anxiety filled the air. The scouts all gritted their teeth in the knowledge that not all of them would return, and blood was about to be spilled. No one knew if they would be the ones to make it back or not…

We'd done well, having gotten far until we were ambushed. Three abnormals sprinting our way - just our luck. People began to panic as they neared, and scouts leapt off their horses to fight them. It was a difficult one, out on open plains and the nearest titan was waving its arms wildly. Unhesitatingly, I targeted the nearest one, rocketing through the air towards its shoulder. I noticed the Captain doing the same. At the last minute, I scrambled back, realising my timing was wrong and was going to get hit by its arms. Too late. I panicked, and felt an excruciating blow to my entire body. My hooks were ripped out of its skin, and my limbs flailed as I sailed towards the ground. The grass beneath me got ever closer, and I braced myself for the landing.

When I managed to open my lead-heavy eyes, it felt as if I'd been smacked about the head with a sledgehammer. I squinted, feeling myself sprawled helplessly on the ground. I met a pair of hungry eyes and a row of razor sharp-edged incisors. The third abnormal. It was a crawler. My head span, my eyesight blurring and the abyss catching up with me again. I was about to pass out again, and I couldn't move…

… I am going to die…


	9. Chapter 9 - Someone Cares

**Hoi peeps! Thursday again eh? In this chapter it actually starts to get a little... PERSONAL between Kamoku and the Captain. I really worked on their relationship in this chapter and made it my focus. (Amidst all the titan carnage lol).**

 **PLEASE REVIEW IF YOU'RE ENJOYING IT; I WANT TO KNOW YOU EXIST! XD**

 **All reviews so far have been so lovely, thank you all so much. If you review my fanfiction you become one of my favourite people ever and it doesn't have to be long or fancy or whatever!**

 **Also, do you think I should upload more than once a week since my chapters are kinda short? I reckon I could probably manage twice a week on quiet weeks...**

 **AOT BELONGS TO ISAYAMA, BUT KAMOKU AND PLOT IS MINE YADA YADA YADA HERE IS YOUR CHAPTER FOLKS:**

A faint voice reached out to me in the darkness and silence. I was as if they were far away, the sound warped as if my head was underwater.

 _'Kamoku?'_

Where is it coming from? I fumbled in the pitch black of my own head, staggering blindly.

 _'Is she alive?'_

 _'I don't know.'_

 _'She has a pulse.'_

 _'Thank god.'_

 _'Kansten?'_

'KAMOKU!'

I was dragged back to daylight, my eyes wrenching themselves open. I identified the faces hovering above me. There was Petra…Eld…the Captain…Gunther…Hanji…

I opened my mouth and found that I actually still had a voice.

'Why do you all… Look so worried?' I asked quietly. Petra smiled at me, and the Captain rolled his eyes.

'You were nearly eaten. Consider yourself lucky,' He grumbled. I frowned, attempting to sit up. I felt hands rush to support me, and I got into a sitting position. It was then that, through the crowd's legs, I saw the destruction. It was hellish, blood and bodies everywhere. The procession of scouts were loading their trailers with the wounded and dead. Behind me was the smoking remains of the crawler that I almost became dinner to. Petra answered my unasked question.

'The Captain was the one who found you. In fact, he saw you fall.' I nodded silently, and looked up at said Captain.

'Thank you, sir.'

He shook his head. 'It's a comrade's duty to take care of one another. Can you stand?'

He grasped my arm and guided me to my feet, but as soon as I put weight onto my knees, they gave way and I fell backwards. I didn't fall far before a pair of strong arms caught me.

The ground trembled.

Shouts arose.

Two more titans made their way over.

'Shit.' The Captain hissed in my ear. 'You lot, go help. I'll take care of Kansten.' They nodded and rushed off, leaving me weak and clinging onto Levi.

'I'm sorry Captain. I'm a burden like this.'

I could feel his voice vibrate as my ear was against his chest. 'Don't be an idiot Kansten. You nearly got yourself killed for me.' He bent down and lifted me up, one arm under the back of my knees and the other supporting my upper body. I lay limp and weak, and let him carry me to the trailers. I frowned, realising I hadn't seen Oluo around.

'Captain?' I rasped weakly.

'Hm?' He replied distractedly as he kept his eyes on our rather perilous surroundings.

'Where's Oluo?'

'Trailers.'

'Oh.' Thoughts of what could've happened to him flashed through my mind. I would have to wait and see I suppose. My head started to whirl again, and I gasped as everything contorted sharply. It was a vicious hallucination. I felt myself tumbling out of the Captain's grip. I braced myself for the landing… But it never came. Through squinted eyes I realised it was all a trick of the mind - I hadn't moved.

'Kamoku answer me.' Levi stared down at me. He was… speaking to me? I hadn't heard him the first time… I felt myself slipping again, and tensed up, grabbing onto the nearest thing: The Captain's jacket. My expression flickered between fear and confusion, and I struggled to stay within the confines of reality. The hallucinations were taking over my senses.

I blinked gormlessly at the steely eyes that were trained on me from above, a reminder that I was still on Earth. They looked mildly alarmed by my strange behaviour. I was put into a trailer, squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to give in to the sickness and dizziness I felt.

'Kamoku?' His voice was softer… Laced with anxiety…

'…Yes Captain?'

'What is going on in your head?'

'I can't quite… Explain it…' I was struggling to get my words out.

'Well, whatever you are seeing, it's not real. Got it?'

I nodded weakly, not daring open my eyes.

'Rest. You are safe in here.' I heard his footsteps recede into the distance, and darkness claimed me once more.

Waking up in the infirmary, I felt absolutely fine (apart from my broken collarbone). It was as if I'd never even hit my head. I visited Oluo, who had broken a leg, and wandered off to get a cup of tea. I'm no medical expert, but even I thought it odd that all fogginess had gone. I had a wound on my head of course, but I felt good as ever.

I sauntered into the dining hall, where everyone was deep in their own conversations. They all stopped and turned to me as I walked in, and started making a fuss.

'Kamoku, what are you doing out of the infirmary?' Petra gasped. I shrugged.

'I'm fine.'

'Nonsense! You were totally out of it last time we saw you!' Hanji butted in.

'Honestly, I feel fine.'

'But-'

'Leave her alone.' A voice grumbled from the end of the table. Everyone went quiet as Levi's scowl fell upon them. 'If the doctors have let her go then she must be fine.'

Eld sighed from the other end of the dining table. 'I suppose. Just take it easy Kamoku, OK?'

I nodded and slipped into the kitchen, making myself some tea and sitting next to Hanji. Everyone was quiet.

'How many casualties?' I asked, breaking the solemn silence.

'A lot after that abnormal attack, it was brutal.' Gunther mumbled, frowning at the table.

'Yeah,' Petra joined in, 'I can't believe TWO of our squad got hurt!' There were nods and mutters of agreement. The Captain stood.

'Training in the forest in ten minutes,' he said bluntly, 'Not you Kansten.'

It seems I would be out of action for a while…

It was dusk, I was bored, and everyone was drifting off to bed. I helped the Captain clean the kitchen up after dinner since everyone else had just left it in a mess. It's difficult to do what I do every day with one hand, since my other was in a sling to support my collarbone. Still, I was managing to one-handedly dry a cup, when the cup suddenly became two cups, two _blurry_ cups. I did a double take. My head span and pounded all of a sudden, and I grabbed onto the edge of the counter deliriously. A blurry Captain turned to me.

'What is it?' His voice became quiet and distant. I tried to speak, but nothing came out, and I felt myself slide down the kitchen cupboard, my eyesight fading.

 _'Shit.' Levi knelt down by Kamoku, peering at her helplessly. 'I thought she didn't seem right…' He glared at the thought of the doctors letting her go in such a condition. 'Tch.' He sat deliberating what he should do. She stirred._

 _'…My…head… Hurts.'_

 _'I bet it does.' Levi pulled her up. She managed to stand this time, and he dragged her back to the infirmary._

Bursting through the door, the Captain targeted the nearest Nurse.

'You idiots!' He hissed. 'You let her go LIKE THIS? She passed out on the floor!' He was fuming, and I winced at the volume of his voice. The nurse tried to calm him down, but he wasn't having it. The doctor came swanning over, sighing wearily and telling me to go sit on the bed. He checked me over and came sauntering back to Levi, who had finally gone quiet and sat slumped in a chair near the door, scowling at his feet.

'She has concussion.' He droned. The Captain scowled.

'And why are you telling me this NOW? Why didn't you check for that when she came in?'

The doctor's tired face and posture sagged further. 'I'm sorry Sir. Things like this happen sometimes…' The Captain muttered under his breath and barged past the Doctor, stopping at my bedside. I was laying down on top of the bed, quietly watching their conversation.

'Captain,' I began. He looked down at me silently, waiting for me to continue. 'Why do you care so much?' He looked a little taken aback. 'As I said, you risked your life to save me, this is the least I could do.'

'So you are just repaying debts?'

He kept his silver eyes trained on me while he thought.

'No.' He said quietly, a frown flickering on his face.

'Then… What is it?'

'I don't know. I am just angry. You follow orders no matter how dangerous, and give so much to the team, you deserve to be looked after.' He swiftly looked at the floor, breaking eye contact.

 _Looked after?_ He wants to… _look after me?_

'You have my respect you know, even if you do piss me the hell off sometimes.' He sighed.

'You have mine too Captain. Always.' We stared at each other for a moment, taking in each other's words.

'Friends?' I asked him cautiously.

 **Now you've read it, please review! ;)**

 **-SoullessQuill aka Author-Chan**


	10. Chapter 10 - Grace

**Chapter 10 – Grace**

 **Hullo all. I got a little emotional writing this chapter because it reminded me what a horrible thing this anime does to you. All the DEATH. (Yet no one dies in this chapter hehe)**

 **Anyway, in this chapter, I bring a new OC. She's minor, but does star in this chapter. She's a rather curious nurse who likes to ask questions…. And then regrets them lol. (You will see what I mean). I basically went on an emotional rant towards the end cause I love those.**

 **Btw if this chapter seems a little random and pointless, then dw, it will have significance in the future I promise you.**

 **Also, THANK YOU IF YOU REVIEW I LOVE YA! PLZ REVIEW! Reviews are the best thing ever! XD**

 **ISAYAMA OWNS THE ANIME. I OWN THE FANFIC. DON'T PLAGARISE OR I WILL SEND A TITAN AFTER YOU** **?**

 _'Friends?' I asked him cautiously._

He blinked at me incredulously. I suddenly realised what a stupid thing I'd said. Damn.

'Huh. I really am stupid.' My gaze drifted to the ceiling. 'How can a woman that can't feel for anybody hope to have a FRIEND? I can't be a decent companion. I'm sorry I asked.'

'What are you on about?' He sounded slightly irked.

'Someone like you doesn't deserve a broken, unstable friend with no emotion or reason to live.'

My eyes switched back to Levi.

'What do you mean... Someone like me?' He murmured. His eyes softened, his frown lifting.

'You deserve to be... looked after...' he raised an eyebrow, 'to have a friend who understands you.' Signalling that I was tired of this difficult conversation, I turned away from him.

'Idiot.' He sneered. I frowned.

What did I say to deserve that...?

'You DO understand me. You are the only person that does. Everyone else is clueless. You see right through my goddamn head.' He spoke without spite, as if he didn't really mind me seeing into his head. I turned back to face him.

I didn't know what to say.

'Besides, what kind of fool would want to be _my_ friend?' He sighed. 'You think _you_ couldn't be a good friend? Try being ME.' I narrowed my eyes in concentration, reading the look he was giving me.

I see embarrassment, a hint of sadness but also... anticipation, he's waiting for my response.

'Why wouldn't you be a good friend?'

He deadpanned. 'Because…'

'...Because you are socially awkward and don't know how to get your point across half the time?' I wondered aloud.

'Exactly that.'

'Well I have always understood what you are trying to say.'

'You are an annoying little brat, you know that, right?' His charcoal eyes flared agitatedly.

'I do now that you've told me.'

He shot a glare of pure irritation at me. There was a short silence.

'I'm sorry, again, for earlier. It was idiotic and selfish of me to think I could ever be someone's friend. Besides, I promised myself I wouldn't get close to anyone again in case they die.' I tried to shrug it off.

'Will you…' The Captain started. He looked as if he was struggling to get his words out. His irises shone silver, they actually lit up, like stars.

'…break that promise for me?'

His voice was tentative, like he was taking a cautious step into a dangerous land that he wasn't familiar nor comfortable in.

I stared at him, his expression unreadable. I wanted to say yes. I really did.

'... I will.'

What was I getting myself into? I'd just dismissed the idea of friendship and now I was making one? You idiot Kamoku. You are bound to die anyway. He nodded, a glint of happiness shone in his eyes and he muttered for me to rest, slipping away to dispel the weird tension around us.

The doctor told me that he would assign a nurse to "keep an eye on me", lest I get any more symptoms. The nurse was a fairly decent lady, with mousy brown hair and a pale complexion. She seemed a little freaked out by my emotionlessness. I don't blame her really.

'Hello. I will be taking care of you for a while. I'm Grace.' She'd beamed.

'Hello. I'm Kamoku.' I had said in my usual blunt tone. Her smile faded a little.

'I will be keeping an eye out for any symptoms, and I will have to wake you up several times at night to make sure you haven't fallen into a coma.' She told me.

'Oh, OK… I'm going to go and sleep now actually.' I rose off the bed.

'Now? But it's one o'clock in the afternoon.' She blinked at me.

'I know. I sleep at weird times.'

'Oh…' She frowned in confusion. 'Well, I'll have to come. I will wake you up every two hours, OK?'

I nodded and made my way to the door. She scuttled up to me to catch up.

I only slept for four hours. It was rather odd, kind of invasive actually, having someone watch me sleep. Still, I'd prefer it to falling into some coma. After being woken up for the second time, I declared that I was getting up. I hadn't even changed clothes, there just wasn't any point. It was too much of a non-event to bother.

'But you only went to sleep at one!' The nurse protested. 'You must rest.'

'I've slept enough thank you. I am going to clean the kitchen.'

'Oh, I really don't think you should do anything too physical.'

I turned to face her square on and looked straight at her. I did not fail to notice her ever-so-slight recoil under my stare.

'You've been in and out of this room for four hours. Sit and have a rest, I'm fine. Besides, you will only be in the next room so you will hear a thump if I pass out or something.' She looked a little stricken when I said that. Compared to Levi, whom I was used to, the squad, who I honestly didn't pay much attention to, and Hanji, who had no interest in other humans, Grace surprised me with her expressive face. She had a face like glass.

She followed me wordlessly down the corridor, shuffling nervously behind me. Levi met me in the middle and stopped abruptly at the sight of me. I saw Grace's eyes widen in my periphery. To her, he was "the one who had come in and shouted at everyone" back in the infirmary.

'What the hell are you doing?' He growled. I blinked.

'I'm going to clean the kitchen.' I replied innocently.

'You should be sleeping or something.'

'I have been.'

The Captain scowled at me. 'Tch. What are you going to do if you pass out again?'

'Get off the floor and carry on with whatever I was doing.'

I witnessed a smirk flash across his face. Apparently I amused him.

'Jesus. You really are like a programmed robot.'

'Thanks a lot.' I sighed monotonously. 'I prefer to call it "determination".'

He rolled his eyes. 'I'm gonna go do the shit ton of paper work making a mess of my desk. It's in my way piling up there.'

'You do that.'

He wandered off. Grace stared after him uneasily.

'You OK?' I asked her.

'Oh, um, yes, I'm fine.'

'You look a little relieved that he's gone.'

'Well, you saw him back in the infirmary…'

'Oh, he was only being a bit protective.'

'Ah, I see.'

We continued to walk.

'So, are you and him in a relationship?'

'A platonic one, yes.'

'Oh? Just friends?'

'Do I look like I'm capable of love?' I raised an eyebrow. She looked at the floor in front of her in embarrassment.

'Well… Um… I mean, sure, you could… Everyone is… right?'

'I don't think so.'

'Oh.' She laughed nervously.

'It's OK. I don't want to love anyone. Heck, I wasn't even meant to make friends.'

'Why not?' Grace looked at me with big eyes.

'Because we are always dying.'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'I really do feel for you scouts. You have such an awful job. I can't understand why you would want to do it…'

I thought about what she had said. Why did I do it? Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but it was a simple decision for me. I had no reason to live, yet I was not prepared to give up on life so easily as to end it myself. My parents were killed by titans, and humanity always needs more soldiers. I had no one to live for, save my adopted parents, but I was callous back then. I distanced myself from them, refused to accept their warmth. I just wanted to be left alone. I figured that death by helping humanity and avenging the people I loved would be a good way to go. A good thing to spend my life doing.

'It's all I have.' I murmured. 'I have no one to live for, and no reason, so I gave my life to humanity.'

She looked a little emotional. 'Oh my.'

As we reached her kitchen, she decided to help me make the tea. She was solemn and quiet as we did so.

I felt it was my duty to ask if she was OK. 'Are you alright?'

'Well… It's just… All a bit depressing, isn't it?' She smiled sadly.

'What?'

'All of this. This lifestyle…'

'Hm. I suppose so. Have you ever seen a titan Grace?' I leant against the counter, placing my teacup on the table. She shook her head.

'Well, let me tell you this. It's not so much that people die to them that is the worst part. It's HOW they die. Most of the time it isn't heroic, peaceful, calm. They are snuffed out pointlessly, chopped up and screaming in pain. There is no peaceful sleep in death either. They are in pieces, mangled, and their suffering is still there on their faces. That is the worst part of this job.'

I looked up from my teacup into Grace's eyes. Tears slipped down her cheeks silently.

'Oh god… Is this… What it does to you?' She motioned to me.

'What?'

'This job, does it make you this… indifferent?'

'Indifferent? No, that's just me. I have been broken in a different way.' I began to scrub the counter.

'B- broken?'

'Mm hm.'

'What do you mean, "broken"?'

'I haven't had the easiest of lives, let's just say that. Look at Captain Levi, he too has had a pretty crap life, but he is stronger than me. He is still going, still dealing with his pain. I was never that strong. I do not believe anything could fix my emotionless disposition.'

'Sometimes… A person can fix you…' Grace said quietly.

I frowned.

…A

…Person?


	11. Chapter 11 - Strange Feeling

**Chapter 11 – Strange Feeling**

 **OK, so I know the chapters must be getting a little boring at the mo since there isn't much action or anything, but I feel that a couple of these are necessary. I'm sorry it's short, and kinda rushed, since I did this all in one evening not wanting to be late for you guys. My week has been SO BUSY and SO STRESSFUL, but I am not using that as an excuse to not upload a chapter!**

 **Also, did you know, you can do something called a 'review'? It means the WORLD to me and takes literally one minute ;)**

 **I ONLY OWN PLOT, GRACE AND KAMOKU**

 **CHEERS PEEPS, ENJOY!**

The scout's HQ was buzzing with the gossip of a crazy mission, proposed by Dot Pixis, commander of the Garrisons. Apparently, there was a fifteen-year-old boy who could turn into a titan, and he was going to plug up the wall in Trost with a giant boulder. I remember being quite taken aback by the news. A HUMAN that can turn into a TITAN?

It sounded ridiculous, and I wouldn't believe it had the Captain not confirmed it. It sounds dangerous, and there will no doubt be controversy over him. I pity the boy, only fifteen and thrust into the perilous, corrupt world of politics.

I had recovered from my concussion -it didn't last long- and said goodbye to Grace, whom I must admit was good company. I doubt she thought the same of me though. My collarbone was still broken however, and I was stuck indoors with nothing to do all day.

The day the scouts left for Trost, I felt an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was a fluttery feeling, and it made me uneasy. I said my farewells to everyone, going around the stables as they readied their horses. As I walked over to Captain Levi, the uneasy feeling increased by tenfold.

'Goodbye Captain.' I said from behind him. He swivelled around, one hand still on his stallion's reins.

'Bye. Don't fall down any stairs or anything. You're clumsy enough to.'

'I know. But I'll be fine. It's you that's worrying.'

'Worrying?' He raised an eyebrow.

'Well, you might die.'

'Tch. I've survived so many expeditions, why should this one be the last?'

'Because this one's especially dangerous.'

'Not like you will feel sad. It's alright for you.'

I shook my head. 'You know what's worse than physical torture?' I asked him.

He arched his eyebrow. 'What?'

'Mental torture. Feeling so empty all the time is more painful than any physical pain. Be thankful that you feel things.'

Levi went silent, looking grave. I squirmed That feeling in my stomach… What WAS that?

'What is it?' The Captain asked.

'I don't know. Weird sensation.'

'Huh.'

'You lot, we're leaving in one minute!' A scout yelled.

The feeling got stronger.

'It just happened again, it's like a burning in my stomach. An uneasy flutter.'

'Usually means you're worried.' The Captain shrugged. 'Although I don't see why. You aren't going anywhere today.'

'Worried…' I stared at the ground. What could I be WORRIED about? Levi was right, I had no reason to be apprehensive…

'I've got to go.' He muttered, leading his horse away. My body froze, panic flashed through my head. I wanted to stop him…

 _'Sometimes a person can fix you.'_

Suddenly, I understood. I'm worried about him going… Worried that he will die. I don't remember the last time I was worried. I can't even be worried for my own life anymore. The only reason I try so hard to stay alive is because I want to. Because I cannot help humanity if I'm dead. But now…

Did I mind?

No.

In fact, I was grateful, I clung to the anxiety like one would run towards the light in a world of darkness. It was an actual feeling, not quite an emotion, but a FEELING, and I could physically feel it inside me. It was so raw, so real, as if I'd finally landed on Earth after having been floating in the air for years. It was, however, only fleeting, and as I watched Levi's back retreat out of the gate and disappear down the hill, I was left in the empty courtyard alone. Although it was a bringer of reality, the feeling itself was dreadful. It ate away at me all day, stopping me from concentrating.

I sat at my desk, my chin cupped in my hand, staring at my book. The words blurred on the page, and the lines I was reading were not registering. My mind kept flicking back to my squad, Hanji, Erwin, and Levi. I dearly hoped that they were alive. What would happen if one of them didn't come back? What would I do? Would I be… SAD?

No, that is impossible. I can't be sad.

The sound of horses' hooves reached my ears, and I jumped up, kicking my chair to one side and rushing downstairs into the courtyard. I could no longer handle the anticipation.

As scout after scout poured through the gate, I scanned the crowd for people I recognised.

I became less and less panicked as I saw them.

Hanji.

Erwin.

Petra.

Oluo.

Gunther.

Eld.

But I was still uptight. I searched the faces, where IS he? The last scout came through, and so did the trailer of bodies. I must have missed him. I marched up to the slow-moving trailer, and picked up each name tag, reading them.

No Levi.

I ambled through the yard, twisting my head this way and that in a desperate effort to find him. My insides scrunched into knots. I wasn't worried anymore. I was scared. Only a little, but scared. How did I manage to get this attached to someone so quickly?

'Kamoku? Are you OK?' I laid my eyes on Petra's worried irises.

'I'm fine.' I replied quite calmly. I could tell my face was contorted slightly, a frown tinting my brow. Petra noticed this.

'You sure?'

'Yes, where's the Captain?'

'Oh, he's over there.' She pointed to the far end of the stables. Next to a huge black horse, was the back of the jet black undercut that belonged to my Captain. My friend. My entire body relaxed, and I sagged where I stood. I let out a long breath that I didn't realise I was holding, and made my way over to him.

'You are back.'

He continued to unsaddle his horse. 'Mm hm.' He mumbled.

'How did it go?'

'It worked.'

'What?' I thought I'd misheard.

'I said _it worked_.' He sounded as surprised as me as we came face to face.

'As in, our first victory?'

'Yes.'

There were conflicting emotions in his eyes. He was happy, but grief tainted it. Well, the body trailers _were_ very full.

'Lots of casualties?'

He nodded solemnly.

I had nothing more to say. We stood in silence for a few seconds before I broke it.

'I'm going to- Well… To hang around.' And with that, I slipped away to my favourite spot by the cliff. I don't know why I stopped myself from telling him about it. He'd already found me there once. He knew I liked it there.

I sat down heavily on the grass, glancing over at the boulder the Captain sat on when I told him everything about me. I remembered being very surprised that I'd just spilled everything to one man that I, quite frankly, barely knew. It's not like I needed to 'get it off my chest'. It didn't change a thing for me. But… Why am I so… CLOSE to him? My old friends from the Eastern scouting legion weren't REALLY friends. They were just two people that hung around me and dragged me off to do "fun" things. They never got a word out of me. They died without knowing what was beneath my hood. Why the hell they liked me I do not know. But when they died, in the days when I "felt", I only felt a pang of sorrow in that they could not live to an old age, a sympathetic sadness. The Captain is different. I connect with him, it must be this strange….

UNDERSTANDING we have.


	12. Chapter 12 - The Titan Boy

**OK, so first and foremost, I AM SO SORRY! I AM TWO WEEKS LATE I KNOW!**

 **So, last chapter, I said I wasn't going to let me being busy be an excuse to update late. But then I got busier, and now I am. XD**

 **I struggled to write this chapter, I had terrible writer's block. For the first time in this fanfiction, I actually stuck to the plot a bit, since Eren needed to come into it. Now, I don't like sticking to the plot - it's BORING. So, as soon as I got that over with, an idea sprung into my mind, and so the event at the end of the chapter was a whole lot easier to write for me.**

 **Also, this is a super long chapter cause it's so late.**

 **I OWN MY OC AND SOME PLOT, NOTHING ELSE!**

 **ENJOY, AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**

The boy, with big green eyes and scruffy brown hair, was chained to a post like an animal while everyone scowled down at him. They were debating whether he should live or die, and he had no say in it. I stared at him, this was the titan boy? He began to shout, losing it and yelling about what cowards we were. I trained my steely stare on him, he was so strong-minded and brave. One could only admire him. He yelled his final sentence and went quiet.

'TAKE AIM!' Yelled a member of the military police from further down the jury stand, and someone took out his shotgun and aimed it at the boy's head. Surely he wasn't going to KILL him?

I started to move towards him, to stop him from shooting the poor kid, when I heard a smack. I froze and turned to face Eren.

I blinked a few times.

The Captain was in the middle of the room, and Eren bent double, spluttering and winded. I watched in utter bemusement as Levi kicked Eren over and over. What on earth was going on? The room was silent apart from Eren's groans of pain and the Captain's foot slamming into him. The majority of the room was agog. I glanced up at Hanji, who stood at my side. Her face was grave, but did not show any signs of surprise. She met my gaze and murmured to me, 'Don't question it.' I nodded and turned back to the boy. Levi stopped, his foot holding Eren's head to the floor.

'You know, personally, I think nothing instils discipline like pain.' He said.

'You don't need a talking to, what you need boy, is to be taught a lesson. And you happen to be in perfect kicking position.' And with that, Levi continued to beat Jaeger.

'Now hold on Levi…' Nile Dok, leader of the military police, said. Levi stopped, his boot in Eren's face.

'What?'

'Its dangerous, what if he gets angry? And turns into a titan!'

The Captain scowled down at Eren, and kicked him again. 'Don't be silly.' The Captain scoffed. 'After all…' He grabbed a chunk of the boy's hair and yanked his face up, peering at it. It was bruised and bloodied. 'You just want to dissect him, don't you?' They went silent, so Levi continued. 'During the time he was transformed, they say Jaeger was able to kill twenty titans before he finally ran out of strength. As an enemy, his intelligence makes him all the more dangerous, but I can still take him down without a problem. How many of you can say the same? Before you torment the beast you better think… Can you actually kill him?'

I shook my head in confusion, and met Commander Erwin's gaze. He too did not look surprised. Maybe this was one of his elaborate plans. Can't see how it would work though. He then glanced up at Darius, the judge, and raised his hand.

'Sir, I have a proposition.'

And that was how the Captain and the Commander saved Eren Jaeger's life.

Eren sat on a sofa in the side room while Hanji cleaned him up. I stood across the room, leaning against the wall and staring at the boy. How could this fifteen year old POSSIBLY turn into a titan? The door clicked, and Erwin strode in.

'I'm sorry about that Eren, but we got you for yourselves. We were able to play our trump cards at the most effective time. Your pain was worth it. I look forward to working with you.' He crouched to Eren's level and stuck out his hand. It was the first time I'd ever seen the Commander smile.

'Likewise, Sir!' Eren stuttered, eagerly taking his hand and shaking it. Levi moved away from his position against the wall next to me, and plonked himself on the sofa next to Eren. The boy flinched away from him. Poor kid.

'Hey Eren?' Levi trained his steely eyes on him. Eren was frozen in trepidation. 'Do you hate me?'

The boy composed himself. 'No Sir, I see that what you did was necessary.' Levi nodded in approval. 'Glad to hear.'

Jaeger's eyes drifted to me, and he started when he saw me blankly staring at him. I'd forgotten I was doing it. The Captain saw him looking unsettled.

I could have sworn a smirk flashed across his face. 'Don't look her in the eye, she's unstable.' He murmured to Eren in a serious tone. Eren gaped at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The Captain was making a JOKE? Not that he would tell Eren it was a joke, he'd just leave him to think I was "unstable".

I sighed. 'Don't listen to him,' I told the boy. 'Captain, Eren's been through enough today, he doesn't need that.'

'Tch. I'm not joking, you are unstable.'

'I am quite stable thank you.'

'You two.' Erwin piped up, stopping us as if we were little children in the middle of an argument. Hanji bounded over to Eren.

'Hey Levi, you didn't have to hit him THAT hard, you knocked his tooth out!' She held out a molar on a piece of cloth.

'Don't touch that, it's disgusting.' Levi leaned away from the tooth.

'I'm not touching it.' She replied. 'Besides, it's INTERESETING! Eren, can I see in your mouth?' Eren nodded and obediently opened wide. Hanji gasped, and everyone turned to face her.

'His tooth…' She muttered. '…It's already grown back…'

Eren peered around the castle, the rest of the scouts following after him. Then the Captain declared that we were to clean. Eren's mouth dropped open in bemusement, but he said nothing. I set to work meticulously dusting the bookshelf in the same room as Eren, and he swept the floor quietly, occasionally glancing at me. I think Captain Levi's ruined my reputation as far as Eren goes. Not that I care really. I don't need a reputation. As I watched Eren clean, I observed that he was actually a very good cleaner, possibly the best I've seen bar the clean freak himself. Still, as I ran my finger along the windowsill, a few specks of dust collected on my fingertip, and I sighed. Unacceptable. Eren turned to me.

'I- is it good enough?' He asked cautiously.

I shook my head in dismay. 'You are the best cleaner here Eren, but no, it's still not good enough.'

Eren blinked at me in surprise. 'Really?'

'Well, I think so, maybe you should ask the Captain.'

'O- OK.' He scuttled to the doorway.

'Oh, and Eren?' I called to him. He stopped.

'I don't bite you know.'

'Oh no, I know that Miss, I er-'

'Kamoku, please.'

'Kamoku… Right…'

He slunk off to get Levi, and a few seconds later, footsteps came from the stairs. A familiar grumpy face appeared through the door. He inspected the room.

'Good, isn't he?' I remarked.

'Mm…' Muttered the Captain in agreement. He left.

'Your cleaning is lamentable.' I heard from downstairs. Oh dear. The poor boy.

I stopped off at the infirmary to get my cast off in the afternoon. Finally, I have two arms again. I can go on expeditions again... I did not enjoy having one working arm one bit.

Dusk was setting in, and the castle walls were illuminated with the yellow hue of candlelight. I entered the dinner hall. Eren sat alone. I approached him.

'May I sit here?' I asked him.

'Yeah, sure.' He looked up at me with his big green eyes. I sat down with my tea.

'So, what do you think of the Captain?' I asked him.

'Well… He's… Not how I imagined him…'

'Oh yeah? How did you imagine him?' I mumbled, sipping my tea.

Eren laughed nervously. 'I don't know, just… not… Like this….'

'I'm guessing by "this" you are referring to his unapproachable, grumpy demeanour?'

The boy nodded.

'Well, I must admit, he can be hard to live with for many. But you know what?'

The boy was listening intently. 'He is the best Captain I've ever had. He's fair, expects the best from you, and will never leave you behind. He once ordered me to leave him to die.'

'And you defied his order?' Eren spoke with eagerness.

'Yes.'

'Wow… That was brave. By the way Kamoku, I misunderstood you… I'm sorry-'

'Don't apologise, please, it was the Captain's fault for giving you the wrong impression.'

'Ehehe… Yeah…' The boy scratched the back of his neck. People slowly drifted in, but the Captain was not present. I narrowed my eyes at his empty chair, and Petra read my mind.

'No Captain eh?' She piped up.

'Haven't you seen him anywhere?' I asked her. She shook her head.

I stood, and left to go and find him. He never misses dinner…

As I wandered around, I saw a person storming around the field by the forest. They were looking around, shielding the sun with their eyes. As I neared, I realised how small they were. Oh, there he is.

'Everything alright Captain?' He turned to me, his face scrunched up in rage.

'No! It is not! Those fucking brats are dead!'

'What?' I cocked my head to one side, then realised he wasn't wearing his cravat.

'They took it!' He replied, on seeing me looking.

'OK,' I began, trying to mediate, 'calm down, I'll look for them.' He grabbed me by the collar and yanked me towards him. I didn't flinch. 'I will NOT CALM DOWN!' I put my hand over the one that clenched the front of my shirt, and prised it off of me. He let go.

'I get the feeling it's more than just a cravat.' I told him. His face softened into sadness.

'I see,' I nodded. 'Well, we will have to find it.'

He shook his head. 'I've searched for hours. It's hopeless.'

'But-'

'No, Kamoku. I'll torture them into giving me information tomorrow.' He seethed with rage.

'You'll _what_?' I raised an eyebrow.

'Nothing, come on.' He began to trudge up the hill back to the castle.

'Wait-'

'That's an order !' He snapped. I reluctantly followed him back, and took a walk around the grounds. As I passed a group of young lads, I heard snippets of their conversation.

'… He's going to kill him!'

'…His face!'

'…Where'd you put it?'

'The river.'

I stopped abruptly. They threw it in the river. It would be floating away as they spoke. I ran back down the hill, across the field, and down to the river, which flowed gently. I peered downstream. Nowhere in sight.

I took a deep breath, I may be here all night, but I WILL find that cravat. I made my way along the bank.

After a ridiculous three hours of walking down the river, a small village loomed in sight. My logic told me to stop being ridiculous and go home, but I pressed on and on. I just couldn't, for some reason, bear the thought of returning to such a depressed Captain. After all he's done for me… It's the least I can do… My eyes unfocused as I walked, my head far away in a daydream, until something white against the grey river caught my eye. It was caught on a piece of rock, it was the cravat! I looked around for some way of getting to it, it was on the other side. It was slowly being moved by the water, and would soon be washed further down the river. There was literally no way of getting to it.

Screw it.

I jumped in, plunging far beneath the water. Kicking to the surface, I realised that the current was stronger than it looked, and the water rushed at me. I flailed in the water, desperately trying to reach for the cravat. I grabbed hold of it, and swam with all I had back to the bank. Grabbing a tree root, I heaved myself up. I was soaked from head to toe, and the icy wind made me shiver. Despite all of that though, I was filled with a sense of achievement. I actually had something to be PROUD of… Wow…

Teeth chattering, I reached the castle doors late at night, in pitch darkness. I climbed the stairs and knocked on the Captain's bedroom door. There was no answer.

'Um, look, I know you probably don't want to know right now… But… It's me…' I called. I heard muffled footsteps and the door opened to me. Levi looked terrible.

'Why are you soaking wet?' He asked me flatly.

'I found it.' I held out the soggy cravat, and Levi did a double take. He stared for a second, then took it gently from my hand.

'It was in the river, about ten miles down.'

He blinked at me incredulously. 'You walked… Ten miles… To find this?'

'Well, yes.' I said simply. Was that so hard to comprehend?

He glared at me. 'You idiot.'

I stared at him blankly. Well I wasn't expecting that response.

'You could've drowned, that river's bloody dangerous.'

I shrugged at him. 'You clearly wanted it back. It was the least I could do.'

He grasped it in his fist. 'I… don't know what to say.' He grumbled.

'You don't need to say anything,' I told him, his expression was one of complete gratitude. He looked quite -if I wasn't mistaken- _touched_ … 'You told me in your eyes.' He looked perplexed as I strode off down the corridor. It was true, his eyes were very expressive.

 _Levi closed his door behind him, staring at the cravat in his hand. He thought he would never see it again. He slid down the wall, clutching it gratefully and gritting his teeth as tears threatened to spill from his eyes. "That woman is one crazy idiot", he thought, "but what would I do without her?"_


	13. Chapter 13 - Just Levi

**HOI PEEPS**

 **This week's chapter is a day early because tomorrow I'm not going to have internet. . I have been on a total roll recently! I'm on holiday so I've had time to write LOADS. Shit is about to go down! Anyway, please enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW.**

 **Cheers you brilliant lot ;)**

I don't know what that cravat meant to him, but whatever it is, it sure is something special. He didn't take long to find the stupid boys and girl who decided to rip it from his neck and run off with it. Honestly, I think when word got out, everyone was shocked that someone would even DARE steal from Captain Levi. They'd been hiding, but as soon as the Captain found them, and recognised them, he made sure they would never see the light of day again. Well, he tried.

I remember jumping up from the table, and fixing my eyes on Hanji.

'Levi's going to kill them. I mean, ACTUALLY KILL THEM.'

'Kill them? Nah, he wouldn't.'

'Hanji, you didn't see the look on his face yesterday, you know he has a temper.'

'Oh yes, I do.' She assured me.

'Then I must go and find him, and stop him, or he'll get in trouble.'

'I'll come too!' Hanji chimed.

We split up, but we couldn't find them anywhere. I wondered if Hanji had found him yet, and as I came out of the storage room and into the sunlight of the courtyard, the sound of raised voices filled my ears. I rushed towards the sound, skidding around a corner. THERE he was. The three cravat-stealers were cowering against the wall, and Hanji was trying desperately to hold Levi back from attacking them. I sprinted towards them to help, when the Captain elbowed Hanji in the ribs and floored her. She tried to hold onto him and drag him backwards, but was losing the fight. As I reached them, Captain Levi raised a fist to the boy trembling beneath him. I leapt at the empty space between them, and felt a sharp blunt smack to my face. I reeled, and my entire face felt numb. It was such a powerful blow, that was the magnitude of his anger.

'Captain, stop.' I implored, composing myself. 'Don't get yourself in trouble for these lowlifes.' He looked at me in horror, and dropped his fist. He gulped.

'Sir?' I asked, trying not to display any signs of pain.

'I… hit you.'

'No, I jumped in the way when you were trying to hit them.' I motioned to the three behind me that were frozen in fear.

Levi scowled. 'Don't split hairs Kamoku. Why the hell would you do that?'

'Because I don't want you to get in trouble.'

He sagged in defeat and peered over my shoulder.

'You three are dead,' He hissed. I raised my eyebrows at him. 'Figuratively,' He added. The trio made a break for it, scuttling off hurriedly. The Captain watched them go. He turned to us.

'Get up Shitty Glasses,' he grumbled to Hanji, who was sat on her bottom, watching our exchange with wide eyes. She scrambled to her feet and prodded my face gently. 'Does this hurt?' She asked excitedly.

'Ow, yes.' I winced, and leaned away from her.

'You're going to have a black eye from that!' She exclaimed.

'Better me than that lot.' I shrugged.

'Why though? You didn't do anything; they deserved it.' She pointed out.

'Well, I'm not going to report it, am I?' I sighed.

Captain Levi muttered something about getting ice, and he traipsed back to the castle.

'Good work Kamoku,' Hanji applauded. 'Now, I'm going to see Eren, I have some EXPERIMENTS to run!' She raced off.

The poor boy.

Erwin was informed of the incident with the cravat, although the Levi-murderous-mode part was left out. The three scouts were given a written warning and suspended from expeditions for three months. That's three expeditions to miss out on. Levi grudgingly accepted their punishment, and spoke no more of it.

I couldn't help but be curious of Levi's attachment to the cravat, but I daren't ask. I would respect his privacy; I didn't need to know.

I speculated it while I jogged around the castle. I was training hard for the big expedition we were going on in a week. My arm needed to be retrained, as it had gotten weak in the time it had lay limp in a cast. I also needed get my cardio up to scratch, since I hadn't trained in ages. I was never a long-distance runner, and heaved and panted as I reached one lap around the entire castle. It was a long run, and I fell to my knees, feeling dizzy. I couldn't half sprint, but anything more than 300 metres and I would get too tired. Not that running is much use as a scout, the titans will always be faster. I took a minute to catch my breath, and headed to the gravel area by the storage room. That's where the mannequins were. I could kick and punch them to my heart's content, making a point to use my arm as much as I could to strengthen it.

Exhausted from exercise and probably dehydrated and sleep deprived, I staggered off round the castle to do one more lap. I was heaving for breath and could barely run, but I didn't care much for my health. I tried to eat well and exercise to stay alive, but otherwise I couldn't give a damn about myself. I was already messed up mentally anyway.

I pressed on, my mouth dry and my head spinning. But I gritted my teeth and ran on. My vision blurred. Maybe I should stop?

But I was in a trance, a rhythm. All I was focused on was running, and the pain that seared through my body.

I should stop.

But… I don't want to.

No, the finish line is near, keep going, keep going.

My knees gave up on me, and I tumbled to the floor. As soon as I hit the grass, I tried to get up, but I couldn't move.

 _I can't move._

My limbs felt numb, and I couldn't get enough breath into my lungs. The clouds mixed together, creating a swirly mess. Dots flew around above me.

I didn't stop, and so my body stopped me. I was too weak to stand.

Rapid, dull footsteps got closer and closer.

'Kamoku?' Levi's face appeared above me. It was blurred and messed up, but I knew it was him.

'…Hi…' I breathed.

'What are you doing?'

'I'm… Training… Sir…' I could barely speak.

'Training? You call THIS training? You are on the floor,' he folded his arms.

'Sorry… Captain, I'll… get up…' I struggled to even lift my arm to prop myself up.

'No, that's not what I meant. Look at you, you are killing yourself, not strengthening yourself.'

'Killing… myself?'

'Don't run until you collapse, that's just idiotic.'

'I was just… a bit tired…'

'Nonsense, Kamoku Kansten does not lie on the floor when she's "a bit tired". That's not like you.'

'I… couldn't stop…' I blurted.

Surprise swept across the Captain's face. 'What?'

'I don't know… I just… didn't really care… I… just… wanted to run…'

'Tch.' Levi rolled his eyes and stuck his hand out to help me up. I took it gratefully, and yanked on his arm, using all of the little strength I had to stand. The Captain shook his head at me. 'What am I going to do with you?'

'I don't know sir.'

'And you can quit the whole "sir" thing.'

'Captain then?'

He shrugged. 'Levi'll do.'

'Oh, OK. What about around the others though, wouldn't it be better if I addressed you as Captain around them?'

'That would probably be tactful.'

'Mm…'

We fell into silence.

Levi broke it. 'You should go inside. Get a cup of tea and stop destroying your health...'

'Yes Cap- Levi.'

It felt weird calling him Levi. _Levi_. Quite a nice name actually. He was always "The Captain", respected authority, but now… He's just Levi. A friend and comrade. An equal.

The cadets spilled through the gates, chattering excitedly. Today, they were dropping the title of cadet, and officially becoming fully-fledged scouts. Eren met up with his sister, Mikasa, who, upon seeing Levi, tried to kill him. There was also a small boy called Armin who appeared WAY too sweet and innocent to be plunged into our disastrous world. There were a few interesting characters there, hopefully no troublesome ones.

ONE WEEK LATER

The icy air stung my face and the sound of horses galloping was all around me, kicking up dust as they cantered out. I glanced over to Levi, who caught my gaze. He nodded to me, and I returned it, facing forwards again. It was the biggest expedition I'd ever been on, we were ACTUALLY out to accomplish something. Armed with our new formation plan, using flare communication to avoid titans, we managed to minimise casualties. It was only when we reached the forest that we encountered… problems…


	14. Chapter 14 - The Massacre

**So, I guess you're all tutting and saying, 'a week late! I wonder what her excuse will be this time?'**

 **Tbh, I don't have much of an excuse apart from that I was busy, tired, demotivated, and had writer's block. My life is going through a big change at the mo so me is busy busy busy!**

 **Anywho, I have this week's and last week's chapter for you today, so dw!**

The Captain rode in front, with Eren slightly behind on one side and I on the other. At the sound of thumping footsteps that shook the ground, we all turned around. A titan with not skin, only muscle, was running towards us. And… It was… A FEMALE. It had piercing blue eyes and blonde hair, and was coming at us fast.

'What the hell is that?' Eld gasped.

'Captain, what do we do?' Petra asked anxiously as scouts swung in to attack her. She barely glanced at them, just grabbed them swiftly out of thin air and crushed them like ants. One by one, every scout that approached her died.

We were going to have issues.

Suddenly there was a thunderous vibration, and we all jolted on our horses. She was so close to us.

Oluo gasped. 'Captain, she's going to catch us!'

He said nothing.

'Captain!' Petra screamed.

No answer. She was but a few metres behind us.

'CAPTIAN!'

'CAPTAIN, YOUR ORDERS!'

'Please, we'll kill her here!'

I observed how, despite their fear for their lives, they did not act without Levi ordering them to do something. They completely and utterly trusted him with their lives.

And I did too. I trusted his judgement completely.

The titan's looming body blocked out the sun, and the Captain finally spoke, telling us, 'Cover your ears.' I clamped my hands over my ears unhesitatingly, as did the others. He raised a flare gun in the air and pulled the trigger. A sonic boom erupted from it, making me wince despite me protecting my ears. Levi's shoulders hunched, and from the slight side angle I had of his face, I saw him grimace at the sound.

As Eren desperately watched her speed towards us, she crushed scout after scout like insects in her palm.

Our sole purpose was to protect Eren at this point in time, and the nifty woman-titan was only interested in us. And catching up with us fast. Eren became more and more disturbed.

'THEY'RE DYING! THERE GOES ANOTHER!' He yelled hysterically, tears springing to his eyes. The boy wasn't ready for this kind of thing, I can only hope he doesn't end up screwed up like some of us. He looked conflicted, and gritted his teeth. Raising his hand, he went to bite it.

'Eren no!' Petra cut in. 'You must not use it unless your life is in danger! You promised us!'

He looked torn.

'You aren't wrong.' Levi said quietly from in front of us. 'I've never known which one is right. To trust your comrades, or go out on your own. No one can foretell the outcome of their decisions; the only thing we're allowed to do is believe we won't regret the choices we make. So choose.' I was mesmerised by his words. How wise. Eren listened intently, and glanced over his shoulder again to see yet another scout be crushed to smithereens against a tree. He grimaced.

'Trust us Eren, please…' Petra begged. His gaze switched from Petra, to Oluo, to Eld, to Gunther, to the back of Levi's head, and finally to me. His emerald eyes bore into me, silently pleading for help.

'Eren, we can do it,' I assured him. He wavered.

'EREN, YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG! DECIDE ALREADY!' Levi yelled at him over the titan's booming footsteps.

'I'll go forward!' Eren blurted.

Petra smiled.

'Thank you Eren, we won't let you down!'

We continued to ride, I looked up. Oh my god. There she was. I was practically under her chin.

'Captain, we'll never outrun her!' Oluo panicked.

'Captain please, can't we kill her now?!' Gunther pleaded.

'Captain…' I said quietly to him. I too was starting to think we should be doing something round about now.

He continued to look ahead, not saying a word. Suddenly, we passed a group of scouts with some apparatus at the side of the road. The titan skidded to a halt. As we all looked back in shock, Erwin's voice rang out from high in a tree.

'FIRE!'

Hundreds of hooks were fired at her, creating deafening bangs as they were shot out of their cannons and lodged in the titan's body. She hunched over, protecting her nape desperately. She's way too intelligent for a titan. She must be one of us, a human, like Eren.

I watched in amazement as we rode away from the scene. Simply brilliant. Erwin never fails to impress.

I waited with the squad deep in the forest for Levi to return. They were having an argument about the Captain's trust towards us -not something I was particularly interested in discussing. Suddenly an ear-piercing, shrill roar was heard from afar. It could only have been from a titan.

'That doesn't sound good,' I commented.

'It's that titan, I bet!' Eld grumbled. 'Hopefully everything's OK.'

Petra wavered. Perhaps we should go and see if they need help…'

'No, our duty is to protect Eren.'

'But… What about… Just one of us? The Captain's on his own out there…' She hung her head to hide her blush. I raised an eyebrow.

'I think he's more than capable of looking after himself,' Gunther said, folding his arms.

'I'll go!' Eren exclaimed. 'I can take her down if there's a problem.'

The squad stared at him incredulously.

'What kind of idiot are you, brat?' Oluo chimed. 'We're here to keep you out of trouble, not send you off fighting! Tch…'

I stood up from my seat on a tree root and shot my hooks at a tree.

'Kamoku, where are you- '

'I agree with you, Petra, something's not right. I'll go and see what's happening,'

She nodded happily. 'O- OK!'

When I arrived, she was gone. Levi told me that it had failed and she had summoned hundreds of titans to devour her body so she wouldn't be caught. I helped them finish off the remaining titans when another, but deeper, titan roar came from the squad's direction.

Levi and I looked at one another and simultaneously leapt into the air, soaring towards the sound.

We flew low, checking the ground for any sign of carnage. Something caught my eye.

'Levi,' I said quietly. He stopped and followed my gaze.

Hanging in a tangle of ODM wires, was Gunther. Dead. I glanced at Levi. On first glance he looked as unimpressed as usual. But his eyes darkened considerably. That had hit him hard.

'Let's keep going.' He said in a hollow voice. I continued on, wishing I could be sad, upset, anything, for Gunther. But I was empty inside. Not long after seeing Gunther, a bombshell was dropped. Levi did not stop at the horrific sight, but slowed down considerably as he took in the path of destruction before him. I swallowed, hard.

Half of Eld.

Oluo's head smashed in.

And Petra… Her back was contorted and her body crumpled against a tree. Her soulless eyes stared at the treetops, void of life.

Shit.

They were all gone just like that.

I caught up with Levi and tried to speak to him, but he wouldn't respond. He didn't want to know. He wordlessly continued scouring the forest for Eren, and found his smoking titan body without it's nape. He ordered me to report to Erwin and wait for him there, and so I left him, feeling sick to my stomach at the mortification in his eyes. It really did make me queasy, the sight of him looking so stoic yet so grief-stricken. It pained me that he suppressed it all, and I wished there was SOMETHING to undo that. Something that would break down his walls, and prise his emotions from deep inside his head.

The procession stopped, once out of the forest, to wrap up the dead and prepare for the long ride home. I stood at one end of the long line of bodies in cloth, watching Levi kneel by Petra's. He unwrapped a bit of the cloth, and cut off the crest from her jacket. He then replaced the gauze, and curled his hand around the patch protectively. People don't notice the little things like this that show what Levi is really like. His compassion and empathy for others is sorely underestimated.

After we'd got going again, the sight of a red flare behind us alerted everyone. There were two titans, following two scouts, one with a body on his back.

Oh no.

Their horses frantically galloped away from two titans that were hastily catching up to us.

People began to shout and panic, and we were ordered to try and flee to the wall. More titans began to run at us.

'Captain,' I yelled over the noise, 'We can't outrun them.'

Levi cursed. The two from the forest were under attack by now. 'Dump the bodies.' Levi said to the men on the trailers.

'What?!' One of them gasped.

'Just do it, or they'll catch up with us. Many bodies were never recovered before, what makes these so special?'

My breath hitched when he said that. _What makes these so special?_ They're your SQUAD Levi! How can you even make a decision like that? But he was right, in the grand scheme of things, they weren't any more special than anyone else's body.

The trailer man grimaced. 'I can't believe we're actually doing this!' And with that, he opened the hatch at the end of the trailer, and proceeded to throw the cloth bundles that were once people out of the trailer. I watched, catching a glimpse of Petra's hair in the sunlight from under the cloth. I glanced at Levi, who's shoulder's hunched, his eyes murky with grief. He forced himself to face forward again.

Once the titans were out of sight, we took another break, to check on everyone and sort ourselves out after the near miss. Dieter, one of the scouts who'd attracted the titans, and the only one left alive, was staring at the ground in shock. Levi approached him, and he gulped. The Captain looked up at him, and held out Petra's crest. 'This is proof that they once lived,' he told the dumbstruck scout, 'that's how I see it, anyway.' Dieter looked down at the crest.

'This was Ivan's.' Levi told him. Dieter stared down at it, and began weeping quietly.

'Captain…' He gasped, taking it with shaking hands. He sobbed quietly, holding the patch to him. Levi watched him as he broke down in gratitude, and then caught my eye. He wandered up to me – I was just staring at him, mesmerised, a few feet away.

If I'd been capable of tears, they would've flowed in that moment. I was so… touched. It warmed my long-broken heart to see my friend doing such a selfless thing.

'What are you looking at?' He grumbled.

'You,' I replied, stating the obvious.

'Tch.' He stalked past me.

'Levi.'

He stopped.

'I've never seen something so beautiful.'

'What?'

'That. What you just did for Dieter. That was amazing.'

He shrugged. 'It shut the brat up.'

I guessed that was Levi for 'it made him feel better'.


	15. Chapter 15 - Pain

On the walk back through town, the scouts were even more silent, the lines in their withered faces deepened and their faces filled with horror.

We reached the castle in a melancholic daze, unpacking our supplies and drifting into the castle to hide from the world. I slipped off to the cliff edge, only to find someone there already. Well, I never thought I'd find him here.

'It's nice here, isn't it?' I stood next to Levi, staring into the distance as he was.

He didn't reply.

'How are you?'

Such a trivial thing to say to someone, but how else could I possibly phrase it?

He ignored me.

'Don't try to shut me out, you know it doesn't work. You are suffering; I can see it in plain sight.' I said bluntly. He scowled at me.

'Leave me alone.'

'Order denied.'

His face sagged wearily. 'Why won't you just listen to me…?'

Interesting, usually at this point he'd get angry, but he couldn't even be angry at the moment.

'Because, though I might not be an expert on such matters, a good friend does not leave when someone is suffering.'

'A good friend respects when someone wants to be alone,' Levi retorted.

'But… You don't want to be alone.' It was a bold statement, but I knew I was right. I knew because I'd been there. When my parents died, I pushed everyone away, but wanted them all to stay. I wanted to cry on their shoulders, but didn't even dare look them in the eye. I would coldly sit in silence while they tried to help me, waiting for them to leave. And when they did, I would almost scream _No! Please come back! Don't leave me…_

I saw it now, here, in my Captain. And I would not leave him.

'Levi…' I murmured. All I could see was the top of his head. 'Look at me.' Slowly, the Captain lifted his head. I stared into his deadened onyx eyes, and felt the sudden urge to… I had to… DO something…

He was in PAIN.

I hugged him.

I don't know what I did it for. I just saw his grief and heartbreak and… RECOGNISED it. It sparked nightmarish memories that brought out something strong within me. He was a broken toy, like me. And like me, he was always left to hurt alone.

Well, not anymore.

I didn't know what he would do. Probably shrug me off... Or push me away.

His entire body tensed with shock, and he just stood there. His shoulders hunched, and he shivered a little. I expected as much – he isn't one for human contact.

'Not much of a hugger, are you?' I remarked. He shook his head. His mouth was clamped shut and he gulped, as if he were trying not to cry.

I broke away from him and peered up at the sky; the clouds drifted peacefully across it. There were four little ones, all floating in succession. I pointed to them. 'Look.'

Levi turned around and followed my arm.

'See those four clouds? It's them Levi, they're watching over you.' When I looked back at my Captain, he looked utterly shocked. Probably because he never thought I could be even a little bit reassuring when I appear so cold. His lip quivered, and his face snapped into a glare before he could get any more emotional.

'They're clouds,' He said flatly.

I sighed. 'Yeah sure Levi.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Here comes the angry front again.'

'Look, I don't know what your deal is, but why the hell do you know exactly what I'm thinking?'

'A) I understand you. B) It's kinda obvious.'

'No it isn't.'

'It's not obvious to most. But it is to me. The reason people fail to notice what others are feeling is because their judgement is clouded by their own emotions. That's not an issue for me obviously. Most people I can read like a book because their expression is depicted on their face. But you don't do that, you express emotions through your eyes, so I have to concentrate to see what you are thinking. Everyone has an emotional outlet, you can't stop that.'

He sighed. 'Apparently not.'

'Don't even try to stop it, that would be my advice. If you suppress yourself, you only get depressed and frustrated.'

'I'd really rather try to stop it.'

'Why? What is the worst that can happen?'

'People don't get me.'

'I get you.'

He went silent.

'What do you want me to do, cry on your shoulder?' He retorted.

'I don't "want" anything.'

'Tch. Bit of a hypocrite, aren't you?'

'What?' I raised an eyebrow.

'Well you aren't expressing yourself either.'

'There is nothing to express. Levi, trust me, I have suppressed my emotions my entire life, and if I had some to express now, I bloody would.'

'Yeah, until you find out that people think you are mad.'

'No, I would only express them to the person that I knew understood me.'

'I thought no one understood you as far as you were concerned,' he pointed out.

I nodded. 'I was wrong… And I think the person I was so wrong about knows who they are.'

Levi stared at me intensely, grief clouding his face like a shield of smoke.

'Is there… ANYTHING I can do… to ease the pain?' I asked desperately.

'No.'

I sighed in defeat. 'OK… I tried.'

My mind drifted to his past in the Underground, when I remembered a conversation I had once. It was with a woman… Oh my god, now I think about it…

'Wait. Something has just dawned on me. I met a lady once in the Underground, she was very sickly looking, black hair, silver eyes, looked like you. Do you think she could've been your Mother?'

Levi shrugged, 'Sounds like her.'

'I can't remember her name… It was something beginning with K, I know that.'

'Kuchel,' Levi murmured.

'That's it! Kuchel… I met her outside a brothel – I was only very small and I asked her if she was OK. She said she had a son and she loved him very much. She also said she was really ill and probably wouldn't live much longer. She even broke down in tears, saying that she hopes her little boy grows up to be strong, and lives a good life on the surface. She told me: "He's small and a reserved little boy, but I know he will make it. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could see him all grown up."'

I glanced at Levi – he had his head bowed. 'She… said all that to you?' He mumbled.

'Yes.'

'Is it all true?'

'I wouldn't lie to you Levi, it's all true. I remember every word she said as clear as day.'

'I…' He trailed off and shook his head.

'See that? What you are feeling now? I felt it too, a long time ago. The feeling that you want to scream and cry and curl into a ball but smash everything up at the same time because you can't be with that person. They vanished from your life and you just want to touch them one more time…' My voice dwindled, realising I was babbling. He had turned away from me, shoulders hunched up by his ears.

'Y… Yeah…' He whispered shakily.

I continued to watch him. He inhaled sharply. Was he… Shaking?

I'm not helping, am I?

Good job Kamoku.

Something hit me deep inside then, watching him practically recreate nights when I was a child and was sobbing for the loss of my parents... it made me shiver. Watching him suffer gave me the chills, and the faint but all too familiar Sadness came creeping back from the dead.

 _Sometimes… A person can fix you…_

Levi Ackerman, are you that person?

And am I… fixing you?


	16. Chapter 16 - Drink the Tea

**OK, so stuff's about to go down!**

 **What stuff you ask?**

 **IDK READ IT.**

 **XD**

 **Oh and btw, I haven't had a review in a while, it's been pretty silent. So, if anyone is still reading this, lemme know you exist ;)**

Streaks of moonlight hit the cold stone floor, and dust particles flew through the air as I swept them across the room. Petra never kept her room very clean, but to be honest, who did apart from me and Levi? As I listened to my broom strokes echoing across the walls, I caught the sound of the door creaking slightly. I turned.

A tall blonde man stood in the doorway. I put my broom on the floor carefully and saluted. 'Evening Commander.'

'Evening Kamoku. I expected to find Levi doing something like this, not you, but then you two do think similarly.'

'We do?' I mused.

'Yes. I have never met another soul quite as similar to Levi… Anyway, I wanted to speak to you. Considering the majority of your squad have perished, how are you?'

The Commander… was asking… how I was?

'Um, I'm fine sir.'

'Fine is not a reasonable answer Kamoku.'

'You saw my medical report, I don't "feel".'

'Apparently so, however I do not think that is the case. I think you have just buried your emotions so deep that you don't recognise them anymore, and you need someone to bring them out again.'

'And who would that be Commander?'

'I think you know that. Well, if that's the only answer I'm going to get out of you then I must seek out Levi, Eren is resting and so I can't speak to him at present, but I suspect that, out of the three of you, he is the most affected by this.' I nodded and he left.

A Commander that checked up on you in the face of a tragedy. What a thoughtful man.

 _Sometimes… a person can fix you…_

I'm starting to think you're right Grace… I really am…

The next morning was solemn. At breakfast, in our wing of the castle, half of the chairs were empty. It was just me, Hanji, and Levi, since Eren was in the infirmary. Levi said nothing to us, and even Hanji was quiet. Once she left, the two of us sat in silence.

I stared at the grain on the wood on the table.

'Did you clean their rooms last night?' Levi asked in a hollow tone.

'Yes.' I replied simply.

I glanced at him. The rings under his eyes were darker than usual.

'You don't look good Levi,' I commented.

'Yeah, I wonder why Kamoku?' He snapped.

'Um… That's not my name…' I blurted. Did I just say that out loud?

He deadpanned, 'What?'

'It's a nickname.'

'But even Erwin calls you that.'

'Yes, that is the name on my file.'

'Why?'

'In the period of my life when I didn't speak, one of my friends nicknamed me Kamoku, which means 'the silent one'. They didn't know my real name so that is what they called me. I've stuck with it ever since,' I shrugged.

'Then what… Is your name?'

I froze. My real name - of course he was going to ask what it is. Honestly though, it's about time I told him. Told SOMEONE.

'Well, I… It's…' It was almost impossible to say. He gave me a wary expression. 'Erm…' 'N- Novalie.' I strained the word out. It was the name of a girl filled with sorrow and torment, a word that weaved every bad memory into one. It made me shudder, I felt sick even saying it.

Kamoku was a different person, simple and distant, and I liked her much better. But now… Novalie was back to haunt me.

'Novalie…' Levi murmured. Hearing him say it made it sound a lot less… scary.

'I don't like it,' I told him.

'Why?'

'It's all just a bad memory.'

He nodded. 'Would you rather I call you Kamoku then?'

'I… Don't know…' I muttered.

'Well that's a bloody helpful answer.'

There was a sharp rap at my door. I stood up from my desk and walked over to it. I turned the handle, opening it gently. A young scout stood meekly in the doorway, holding an envelope.

'Um, a letter for Kamoku Kansten?'

'That's me.'

He thrust the letter at me, which I took, and he scuttled off down the hall.

A letter… for ME? I never checked the mail room because no one was alive to contact me, so who could this be?

I closed the door with my foot and opened the envelope, sitting on my bed.

 _Dear Miss Kansten,_

 _I am a good friend of Cpt Ackerman. He is currently in my residence and requested you be there. The address is attached below. Please come as soon as you receive this, as the matter is urgent._

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Gregory Hartwich_

I frowned, how strange. I've never heard of this person. It didn't seem right at all. Upon searching the castle, I confirmed that Levi was indeed not here. The letter wasn't lying. I rode out on my horse, following the directions to the house. It was a very small house in the middle of nowhere. I tied my horse to a tree a little way away – out of sight so it wouldn't be stolen, and knocked on the old grotty cottage. The door instantly swung open, as if someone had had their hand on the handle, ready to open it at any minute. The man standing before me was of average height, with close shaved hair and cold blue eyes.

'Hello Kamoku, come in! I am Gregory.' He stood aside and grinned, much like a hungry tiger. I gingerly stepped inside. A click sounded behind me. He'd locked the door.

'Sit,' he motioned to a dining table, 'have some tea.'

'Where's Levi?' I asked suspiciously. I didn't like this one bit.

'Oh, he'll be along, he's just downstairs.'

'OK,' I walked to the stairs down to the basement. The man quickly stepped in front of me.

'Err, not yet, he's um… getting dressed. Please, while we wait, let me tell you why you are here.'

I reluctantly sat down at the table and stared into the tea in front of me. 'It's earl grey,' he smiled, 'It's Levi's favourite you know.'

'No, it's not,' I said bluntly. This man didn't know Levi… I was getting increasingly uncomfortable.

'What?'

'Levi's favourite is black tea.'

Gregory looked panicked, and then chuckled. 'Well, it was a long time ago that I last saw him, I guess he changed his mind.'

'Why am I here?' I asked impatiently. My instincts told me I was in danger, and I was getting worried about Levi. I squirmed, _Worry_ , of all the emotions I could be feeling, it's such a horrible one. It eats away at you.

'Well,' the man began. 'You see, years ago, Levi and I knew each other in the Underground. He was a thug, and I was a con man. I sold fake paintings for the real deal, it was how I fed my family.' He paused. 'You should drink that tea.'

He's making me drink it - he's laced it. Oh god, where's Levi? Has he been through this too?

'I was just wondering…' I pondered, trying to distract him. 'That picture on the wall, is that one of your fakes?' He turned to the painting I was motioning to.

'Oh yes, it is.' While his back was turned, I switched our teacups, coughing as I placed them down to mask the sound.

'It's very realistic.'

'Oh indeed,' he nodded in agreement and turned back to me. 'Anyway, one day he… Was in a bit of financial trouble, and decided to steal one of my paintings. I happened to need that money very much, and I lost everything I had because of it.' He leaned forwards.

'Drink the tea.' He grinned maliciously.

I lifted the cup, 'Let's drink together,' I proposed.

'Yes,' he lifted his cup too and we gulped it down. He peered into my empty cup, 'good.' He said. Then he stood. 'Come, we'll go and see Levi now.'

I followed him down the stairs into the basement. It was well lit, with candles lining the walls. My eyes drifted to something in the middle of the floor. Levi was sprawled on the cold stone, surrounded by a pool of blood.


	17. Chapter 17 - Dying at a Dead Man's Door

**Bonjour! hola! konnichiwa! Bonjourno! Guten tag!**

 **OK, you get the message, hello there. Guess what?**

 **IT'S THURSDAY! I'M ON TIME FOR A CHANGE!**

 **So this chapter kinda meant a lot to me, SOME SERIOUS SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN! HEHEHEHE**

 **Anyway...**

 **Please feel free to drop a review - it doesn't have to be long- just so I know you guys are still enjoying it. Also, please leave constructive feedback, it is greatly appreciated!**

My heart thundered, making my breath hitch. I ran towards him.

'Levi!' I knelt beside him. He was bruised and bloodied. 'LEVI!' I yelled in his ear – as if that would help. I shook him. He stirred, half-opening his eyes. The first thing he saw was me.

'Kamoku…' He croaked. 'Did you drink the tea?' I sensed Gregory's presence behind me. 'Yes, I did.'

His eyes widened, panic tainting the silver in his eyes. 'No, no you idiot!' He grabbed my shirt in desperation. 'Tell me you didn't drink it, why would you drink it?!'

'I'm sorry Levi. Calm down.'

'CALM DOWN? KAMOKU, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!'

'Hey! Spoiler alert!' Hartwich protested, kicking Levi in the ribs. He doubled up and coughed. I glanced from Levi to the evil man in front of me. Something awakened then, I rose slowly, a long-lost feeling in the pit of my stomach tingling, a fire brewing.

ANGER

– now that's an emotion that takes a hell of a lot to trigger.

He saw me giving him a look of fury, and swooped down on Levi, holding a knife to his throat. 'Move and he dies.'

I backed off sharpish.

'What do you want with me?' I demanded. My entire body was boiling hot and tingling with fear for my Captain's life. This amount of emotion… It was scary. It brought back so many memories.

'I want to HURT you. And Levi's going to watch. That's my ultimate revenge for what you did to me Ackerman. Oh, and Levi, if you move, she gets twice the pain, OK? Mind you, I've broken both of your legs, so good luck with that.' He chuckled malevolently, and I almost choked. This is a bad dream. All a bad dream. I'll wake up and…

No, I don't have bad dreams. Not like this. And besides, this is all too real. It hurts too much, and the real pain hasn't even begun yet. The man walked over to me with his knife, and I stood there defiantly. I will not flinch away from you, you monster. I will endure whatever I have to for my comrade. I glanced at Levi, who looked mortified, and saluted to him before feeling an excruciating pain in my right shoulder. He twisted his knife in my shoulder blade, and a scream flooded from my lips. Then he yanked it out, and shoved his boot into my stomach. I fell to the ground and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to see what he was doing to me, and I didn't want to see Levi's face either. I felt him repeatedly kick me, making it harder to breathe with every hit. The smacks got harder. I gasped for breath, making me feel dizzy. He drew his foot back and smashed it into my chest, causing an agonising snap in my ribcage. I gulped down what air I could, clutching my broken rib. He laughed darkly, and passionately continued to beat me with his boots. He bent down and slashed at my arms with his knife, slicing straight through my jacket and forcing me to try not to scramble away from him. I will not give in. I will not run. He kicked me onto my back and placed his boot on the wound on my shoulder. Then he pressed down, and twisted it sharply, earning a hoarse cry of pain from me. I wheezed; the only thought I allowed into my head was: _endure it. Do it for Levi._ My screams turned to violent coughs, and my entire body convulsed in agony. He kicked me hard in the head, sending the world spinning. My eyes streamed from the sheer pain. Then it stopped. I wrenched open my eyes; he was pulling a watch out of his pocket.

'Five minutes before the poison kills you. Well, I've got to go upstairs and have lunch, enjoy yourselves you two.'

And with that, he slammed the door shut behind him. All that could be heard was my raspy ragged breaths. I coughed and rolled over, heaving myself up with my arms. Levi was trembling. I dragged myself over to him with one arm and my legs, and peered at his face, which was hidden behind his fringe. His expression was no longer confined to his eyes – he was distraught, horrified.

'Are you OK?' I asked him in a weak voice. It was a stupid question. 'Levi?' He closed his eyes, scrunching up his face in anguish.

'Why does everyone I care about _die_?' He growled through gritted teeth.

'Levi, I'm not dead.'

'Why didn't you fight back?' He pleaded with me.

'Because he would've hurt you.'

'You idiot. You're an idiot Kamoku!' His eyes glistened. Were they tears I saw? 'I… I don't want you to die.' His voice wavered.

'I should probably tell you… I swapped our teacups over when he wasn't looking.'

He must've stared at me for ten whole seconds before he slowly said, 'you did…?'

I nodded slowly.

'So… Hartwich is dead?'

'Uh huh.'

Levi rolled onto his back, shaking his head at the ceiling.

'I don't fucking believe you.'

'I grew up in the Underground, I'm not stupid. I know someone dodgy when I see them.'

Levi exhaled in relief.

But what does it matter? We're going to die down here anyway.

'Levi…' I said quietly.

'What?'

'It doesn't matter about that. It's not like we're getting out of here alive.'

'Don't think like that. We have to try.'

'Good luck with that.'

'Remember the time when I broke my leg and I told you to leave me? Well, you didn't, did you? And I lived to see another day. I'm not about to let your efforts back then go in vain. And besides, dying in a dead man's basement isn't a good way to go, is it?'

I shook my head. 'It isn't, but by the looks of things, you are bleeding out. You also cannot walk. My arms are in pieces and it hurts to breathe. I feel like I'm going to pass out and I'm seeing two of you right now, you got a plan?' I raised my eyebrows.

'Yes,' he said. I didn't catch on to his sarcastic tone of voice.

'You do?'

'Of course I don't, idiot. Do you?'

'Well… I might be able to stand...' I slowly got to my feet, trying not to scream in pain. 'I'll see if I can signal someone on the road.'

I staggered like a drunkard to the door. It was unlocked – thank god. Trying not to breathe too heavily (the pain in my rib was insufferable), I climbed the stairs slowly. I stepped over Gregory's blank, pale face thinking _that could've been me_ , and practically crawled to the front door. Oh yeah, it's locked. Grabbing the key off of Hartwich's dead body, I pushed the door open and collapsed onto the front step. Would I even be able to stay awake long enough to signal anyone passing by? And will someone appear before Levi dies?

The odds are not in my favour.

'Excuse me? Hello? Are you OK young lady? Oh dear, please answer me!' I opened my eyes very slowly. An old man in commoner's clothes was crouching over me. 'Oh thank goodness! What on Earth happened to you? I realised I was lying on Gregory Hartwich's front step, and that Levi was still in that basement.

'Here I'll take you to the hospital.' The kindly old fellow picked me up carefully and delivered me to his horse and cart, laying me amongst his vegetables.

'N- no…' I tried to speak, but it came out as a whisper.

'Hush now, don't try and speak. You won't do yourself any favours,' the man said.

I shook my head violently, pointing to the house.

'Basement… Basement… Someone… Help…' I managed to rasp.

'Someone's in the basement?' He looked stricken. I nodded vigorously and the old man proceeded to enter the house.

As I was waiting for him to return, I began to shake. Worry ate at my insides. How long have I been out? Levi could've bled to death by now.

For the first time in… years… I AM FEELING. I am experiencing emotions, and, as it has always been with me, they are all negative. WORRY. ANGER. SADNESS. FEAR.

Where are they coming from?!

It can only be one thing I suppose, or rather, one PERSON.

HIM. I promised myself I wouldn't get close to anyone… What am I DOING? If I don't stop this, he will only hurt me like everyone else. Although… Just the thought of casting him out of my life… It sickens me.

Truth is… I NEED him. I have always been independent – completely and utterly fine with begin on my own. In fact, I always preferred it. To need someone again, that's both scary and… humanising.

He is the only person that has ever understood loss like I have had, the only person that liked me for who I am. I have nothing to offer, but Levi didn't need that. We are just two lost souls that bumped into each other on a long and lonely road.

Oh god. What if he died alone in that godforsaken basement? Dread welled inside me, and I could feel myself panicking. What then? I really would be alone. When the door banged open and my savoir was holding an unresponsive Levi in his arms, I tried to reach out for him in desperation.

Since Levi was so small and this man, despite being an elderly fellow, had the body of an able farmer, he could quite easily lift him onto the cart. 'I hope this young man is going to live.' He said gravely. I gulped at the sight of him. He was deathly pale and gaunt, as if all life had been drained out of him.

'Hold on, this is going to be a bumpy ride.' The man warned. He clambered up the cart and started it; we instantly jerked. I cried out, grabbing my rib.

'I'm so sorry!' The man yelled over the sound of the horses and the rickety cart. I took Levi's hand, which was frighteningly cold, and pressed my fingers gently on his wrist. Please be a pulse, please be a pulse. A soft throbbing met my touch, and I exhaled in relief just as we rocked in the cart. I wheezed through gritted teeth as my rib stabbed me yet again. God knows what it's doing to me on the inside of my body. I gripped Levi's limp hand, willing him to wake up – or at least not die. Every bump caused agonising pain for me, and tears of pain streamed down my face. I was just so grateful that we'd been found. I'm going to live, and hopefully Levi will too, despite him looking awful right now.

…

White. Just… white… It's so bright here. I don't feel pain either. Wait, there's a shape, a person. They're saying something to me.

'So young…'

'Pain is gone…'

'You're safe now…'


	18. Chapter 18 - Guilt

**Bonjour la classe, je ne sais pas beacoup de Francais, mais je sais un peu. Aujord'hui, je vais te dire une historie! Oh la la!**

 **Plz don't kill me.**

 **ALLLLLLLLLLRIGHTIO, I know how the end of the last chapter sounded but... she ain't dead...**

 **YET.**

 **Just kidding.**

 **Maybe.**

 **Maybe not.**

 **hehehe**

 **OK, I'll stop.**

 **Oh, and,**

 **PLZ REVIEW, THEY ARE LIKE MY FAVOURITE THING EVER AND MAKE ME GO**

 **"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE IS ENJOYING THIS!"**

 _I shivered, curled up in the ball of rags that were my clothes. I watched all the people go past down the street with half-closed eyelids. So… Hungry… I was alone, Mummy and Daddy were out trying to get food, and I was left here. I haven't eaten in a week and I could barely lift my arms._

 _I am going to die._

 _I closed my lead-heavy eyes, I just want to sleep._

 _"Novalie, whatever you do, don't go to sleep. If you feel weak, don't let yourself fall asleep or you won't wake up."_

 _Daddy's words rung through my head._

 _Don't sleep Novalie… Don't sleep… I began to cry, the pain in my stomach, please just make it stop…_

 _…Please…_

 _'Hey.'_

 _A voice. A child's voice._

 _I opened my eyes, there was a boy -he was bigger than me- standing over me. He had neatly cut jet black hair and silvery eyes. He blinked down at me, and held out a piece of bread._

 _I stared at it, tears rolling down my cheeks._

 _'Is it… For me?' I asked meekly._

 _'Of course it is silly. Take it.' With trembling hands, I took it from his palm, and scoffed it within two seconds._

 _'Stay alive,' the boy said, and he ran off into the distance._

 **Previously….**

 _White. Just… white… It's so bright here. I don't feel pain either. Wait, there's a shape, a person. They're saying something to me._

 _'So young…'_

 _'Pain is gone…'_

 _'You're safe now…'_

My eyes began to focus, and I realised the man with the cart talking to me. The smell of antiseptic wafted past me. Ah, hospital. That's why it's so white in here. I blinked at the man.

'Thank… you…' I croaked. I barely had a voice.

'Eh? Oh, no no, it was your life on the line, I couldn't leave you there! I'm just wondering how you managed to get there in the first place.'

'It's a long story…' I practically whispered to him. Looking to my left, there was an empty bed with a folded, blood-stained, green cloak in the middle of it.

'Where's Levi?'

'Oh, he's being operated on. There were… complications.'

'Complications? What do you mean?'

'Oh, I don't know. All Doctor's lingo. They said he'd most likely make it though.'

'Most likely?!' I croaked in alarm.

'Now now miss, don't worry yourself silly. He's a strong-looking lad, I'm sure he'll be fine.'

'Yeah… He is Humanity's Strongest I suppose,' I sighed.

'Wait, he's what?'

'Humanity's Strongest soldier.'

'No way… You mean to tell me… THAT'S Humanity's Strongest? The one that everyone talks about?'

'Um, yes…'

'Oh wow! I've heard all about him! As strong as an entire army, they say. I never expected him to be so…' The man trailed off.

'Short?' I suggested. He laughed.

'Yes, or to be lying half-dead in someone's basement in the middle of the countryside!'

'Yeah… That's a one off. You won't find him doing that every day,' I said dryly.

The man chuckled. 'You're funny. What's your name by the way?'

'Kamoku. And you?'

'I'm Vincent. Oh and, I'm a bit concerned, there was another man in that house, dead as a doornail he was.'

'Yes, have you contacted the military police?'

'I have,' He nodded gravely. 'You know, Miss Kamoku, you don't smile all that much, do you?'

'No, I don't. But who can blame a scout for not smiling?'

'Ah, aye.' Vincent agreed. 'I see your lot coming through the streets when I'm in town. It's horrible.'

'It is. The atmosphere is never the best. Lots of grieving parents, friends and angry people shouting about their wasted taxes.'

'Oh, those, I want to hit 'em over the head with my carrots when I hear them! Bloody cheek. They should try killing titans.'

'I'd like to see that.'

'I wouldn't. They'd all die within five seconds.'

'Yeah, they would.'

I coughed violently.

'Oh, I'm sorry Kamoku my dear, I've kept you talking while you should be resting! You get some sleep. I would be off now, but I would love the chance to talk to Humanity's Strongest! If he's up to it of course…'

'Don't be disappointed then.'

Vincent frowned. 'Why would I be disappointed?'

'Well, he's not all heroic and friendly. In fact, he's not much of a talker when he's not in the mood. He's quite grumpy and unapproachable really.'

'Oh. Well, I shall enjoy meeting him anyway!' Vincent beamed, the crow's feet around his eyes deepening. He was such a friendly man, kind-hearted and honest.

I closed my eyes. The pain was starting to return. I could feel myself drifting off, and allowed sleep to take over.

The sound of the bustling ward awoke me. Tilting my head to the left, I now saw a person in the bed where only a cloak was before. It took me a second to realise it was my Captain. His eyes were closed gently. He was probably far away in a peaceful sleep. He was still pale and gaunt though, probably from blood loss.

'Oh Levi…' I sighed to myself. 'What a mess.'

'I know.'

I was startled by his voice. He was awake?

'Still, we lived,' I commented.

'Only because it was my idea not to give up and die.'

'True.'

'We were lucky that guy found us. We were in the middle of nowhere,' He sighed.

'You met Vincent then?'

'Yeah. He was all jittery and excited – like a goddamn kid.'

'Oh, yeah, he really wanted to meet you.'

'Tch.' He opened his eyes and slowly turned his head to me.

'You know, I'm surprised you have stayed alive so long Levi. With all the trouble you get yourself into, it's a wonder you are still here.'

'I never got in situations like this before I met you. You must have brought trouble with you.'

'No, I haven't. I was never the one bringing you trouble. I was the one getting you out of your own trouble,' I reminded him.

He scowled angrily at the ceiling.

'My trouble…' He made a noise of disgust. 'Look what happened to you because of me.'

Oh no, I shouldn't have brought that up. Here comes the guilt, that's something I was cursed with for my entire life.

'No, Levi, it isn't your fault.'

'It is. It all is. The painting… if I hadn't stolen it none of this would have happened!'

'But that was YEARS ago, and besides, what would've happened? Would you have gone without food?'

'I'd have probably starved to death.'

'And if you had starved, you couldn't have saved me from that abnormal that time when it knocked me flying. See? Cause and effect.'

'That's far beside the point.'

I sighed in defeat. 'Look, I don't blame you at all, OK?'

'Whatever.' He grumbled.

We were interviewed by the military police about the incident and I was almost arrested for murder. Eventually they decided it was in self-defence and I didn't know it was going to kill him and they let me off. Erwin came to see us too, and I think he was pretty shocked at the state of us – especially Levi. He just didn't look like Levi anymore.

He had a long talk alone with Levi, and all I caught of the conversation was '…Your past going to be a problem…'

I hoped Erwin wasn't reprimanding Levi, I didn't want him to feel any more guilty about the whole thing.

To be honest, I hadn't at the time really taken in what Gregory had said. Levi was a thug? I'm guessing that's how he got around in the Underground. Still, it's hard to imagine that a disciplined soldier such as himself would have once been a criminal and a low-life. It made me wonder how he came to be in the Scouts. Did he have a change of heart? I'd heard Petra once say that there was a rumour he'd been brought here kicking and screaming by Erwin. Not so sure that's quite how it happened but you never know.

I have just recovered from a broken collarbone and now I'm hospitalized. Still, these things happen, and if I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't care what Levi says, I'm not blaming him for anything.

I sighed, so bored… Being hospitalised was far from fun, and Levi was resting so he didn't want to speak to me. He was also overcome with guilt and just wanted to suffer in silence. Neither of us got much sleep either, I would lay awake all night and he would toss and turn. We'd been here for three days now, and I could walk around a bit, but the doctors and nurses didn't appreciate it.

It was the dead of night, and at this point, the only thing that stopped me from falling asleep was fear. It was dark, really dark. There was always a light on somewhere, but as I'd been my entire life, I was not capable of relaxing in a dark place. I listened to Levi's breathing as he slept, and the shuffling of other patients on the ward fidgeting in their sleep. It was a miracle we'd been put next to each other really – otherwise I would've died of boredom. Levi was more injured than me though, and it was clear that he would be here a lot longer than me.

Suddenly, a gasp filled the silence of the ward. Levi was wide awake, and breathing heavily. He looked panicked, and looked over at me. When he saw me staring straight back at him, he exhaled, and raked his hand through his hair. I got up slowly and padded over to his bedside, wheezing slightly from the sharp stabbing pain in my rib.

'What just happened?' I whispered to him. On closer inspection, I saw that he was drenched in sweat.

'Dream.'

'About?'

He shook his head at me silently.

'Ah, I see. Indescribably horrible.'

He nodded, breathing deeply to try and calm down. The cool, calm and calculating Captain Levi was more distressed than I'd ever seen him – save for when he thought I'd drunk a teacup full of poison. I picked up his hand and wrapped my fingers around his wrist to feel his pulse.

'What are you doing?' He asked, a little alarmed.

'Christ, it must've been bad. Your pulse is going crazy.' I placed his arm down gently. 'It's been a while since I had a nightmare. And by a while I mean years. If you don't feel, you don't get nightmares.'

'Lucky you.'

'Not really. I mean, it's the usual nightmarish stuff, but I wake up unaffected.'

He sighed wearily. 'I've had them from day one.'

'I can relate to that. You know, they say sleep is a prime time to grow, so maybe that's why we're so short.'

'At least you're a woman. You're allowed to be short,' He grumbled.

'You don't need to be tall Levi. You are a pocket rocket as it is.' I tried to lighten the mood.

'Tch.' He rolled his eyes.

'Are you going to go back to sleep?'

'Probably not.'

'I recommend you try. It's dead boring otherwise,' I advised him.

'It's dead boring when you are asleep in the day time and I'm awake.'

'Yeah, sorry about that.' I backed up and sat on the edge of my bed.

'Why do you sleep in the day time anyway?' He asked.

'Erm…' I scratched the back of my neck. He'll think I'm stupid.

 _"Don't ever judge me again"_

No, I'll tell him. He'll understand. And if he doesn't… Well, that's his problem. I don't need him to think of me in a certain way. If he thinks I'm stupid then whatever.


	19. Chapter 19 - Demons In The Dark

**Hullo all. So sorry I forgot yesterday .**

 **Still, better late than never eh? At least I'm not one of those people that uploads every 3 MONTHS. They are so frustrating.**

 **Anywhooooo. PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment, I love it when ya do!**

 **Previously…**

 _No, I'll tell him. He'll understand. And if he doesn't… Well, that's his problem. I don't need him to think of me in a certain way. If he thinks I'm stupid then whatever._

'I'm scared of the dark.' I watched his expression. It did not change save for mild surprise in his eyes.

'You? Scared of the dark?'

'Mm hm.'

'It's dark now,' He pointed out.

'I know. I can just about bear it, but I'm nowhere near relaxed enough to sleep. If it was pitch black I'd have a panic attack.'

He looked thoughtful for a moment, his frown deepening. 'I just can't imagine you having a panic attack.'

'Yeah, I bet you can't.'

'Well, everyone has fears, right?'

I nodded. 'What about you?'

He frowned defensively.

'Oh, I know,' Memories of vigorous wall scrubbing popped into my head. 'Dirt.'

'Yeah. Dirt.' He seemed too satisfied with that answer.

'That's not all though, is it?'

'Stop reading my mind.'

'I told you, I'm not a mind reader, I'm a face reader.'

'Then stop reading my face!'

'OK, OK sorry. I'm nosy I know. But I just don't really know anything about you.'

'You know more than anyone else.'

'I do?'

'You know too much.'

'And that's a problem because…?'

He scowled. 'I don't like it.'

'No, I can imagine you don't. It's out of your comfort zone to have someone know things about you, Mr Mysterious.'

'Tch…' He rolled away from me. I got back into bed and stared up at the ceiling. Levi's like a stone wall. If you hammer at him long enough, you will start to make cracks.

You will start to be able to see what's on the other side.

Throughout the next week or so, we both constantly awoke from nightmares. Levi's were painful to watch, fear clouding his eyes, and mine were boring. I'd seen it all before, both pairs of parents dying yet again, seeing the same titan yet again… And I felt nothing.

A huge storm howled outside, making the building creak alarmingly. Even the staff were looking concerned. I squinted at the clock in the darkness. One o'clock in the morning. Levi was awake, he'd got all the sleep his body would let him have already.

I felt my eyelids droop, and was so tired, I didn't even care that it was dark...

As my eyes opened, I realised where I was. It was Gregory Hartwich's basement. Levi was lying on the floor, and so was I. I was lying in a pool of my own blood. Hartwich cackled, his knife gleaming and tainted maroon with either one of our blood – maybe both.

'I saw you switch those cups,' He sneered. 'So now that you have taken my life, I must take one too.' The knife in his hand glimmered.

'Oh no, I'm not going to kill YOU. I'm going to kill him!' He jabbed the knife tip in Levi's direction. My throat tightened. No way. No no no no no. I tried to stand, tried to stop him, but I couldn't move. I was totally paralysed and helpless. Levi caught my gaze, and tears streamed down his face. I cried out in panic as Hartwich bent down by him and drove his knife into Levi's stomach, but no sound came out of my mouth. All I could hear was Levi coughing up blood and crying out in pain.

Oh god, why did I switch the cups? You selfish idiot Novalie, you IDIOT! The Curse of The Kanstens strikes again – THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MAKE FRIENDS.

I screamed in despair, thrashing my arms. Wait. I can move again. I opened my eyes to the darkness of the hospital. What the…

I was hyperventilating and trembling like a leaf. Wait, why am I here? What happened to Levi? The wind wailed outside, and the candles dotted around the room suddenly snuffed out. It was pitch black. Completely pitch black.

Oh shit.

I fumbled around, panic rising in my chest. I gagged. What's happening to me? Was all of that just a dream or is that how it really happened? It felt so real… And now I can't see. Fright took over my mind and I gasped for air as my throat tightened.

'Hey!' I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders and shrieked, instantly imagining my all-too-familiar demons in the dark. 'Hey, it's me.' The hands disappeared again.

'L- Levi?'

'Yeah, it's me.'

'Y- you aren't dead…'

'That was just your dream.'

'B- but it's dark. It's so dark.' I wanted to cry, I really did. My head was spinning. I wanted to cry and throw up and run away all at the same time.

'Yeah, look, they're getting the lights back on, you will just have to deal with it.'

 _Mummy! Daddy! Where are you? Help me, please… It's dark… I can't see!_

 _'Sweetie, we're here.'_

 _'No! I want my parents! MY REAL PARENTS!'_

 _'Oh, honey… I'm so sorry… I wish I could bring them back, but I can't.'_

Back came the memories.

SHIT. I'm going to break down at this rate. I'm so used to being empty and calm, this amount of terror is CHOKING ME.

'I c- c- can't…' I felt sick.

I whimpered, sweat breaking out on my forehead.

'It's the same. It's the same as it's always been,' I babbled nonsensically.

'What are you on about?' Levi hissed.

'The darkness… It isolates you…'

'You aren't alone now though.'

No, I'm not alone. I am not isolated and this is not the bed in my adopted parents' house. My parents have not just died and I am not twelve years old. This is a hospital, I am with the Captain, he is trying to help me, even if he's not the best at dealing with this kind of thing. The depression was years ago. I'm twenty-seven now. I raised a shaky hand and felt around in the darkness. It collided with something that felt like a shoulder.

'Levi, where are you?'

'You've found me.' He took my hand and prised it off his shoulder.

'Don't…' I trailed off weakly, praying he didn't let go and leave me detached and alone.

'I'm not going to.' He placed my hand on my bed and kept a hold of my wrist. I was a mess, a quivering wreck. The faint glow of candle light appeared on the other side of the room. A nurse went around, lighting all the candles. I could see again…

As the room got brighter, Levi let go of me tentatively. Relief flooded through me, and instantly, I felt safe again. I started to calm down.

'Shit, you weren't kidding that you were scared of the dark.' He muttered. I realised that he was leaning awkwardly on the chair beside me to try and avoid putting weight on his legs. Apart from my heart still thundering and my breathing being out of whack, my face slackened into my usual blank expression.

'Oh, you aren't supposed to get out of bed,' I remembered.

He rolled his eyes at me. 'What, and just leave you to scream the place down?'

Before I could open my mouth to speak, the staff were rushing over, dragging Levi back to bed and flocking around in a flap. A doctor came over to me, interrogating me as to what caused all the screaming.

'Are you hurt?' She questioned.

'No.'

'Did you have a fit?'

'No.'

'Was he harassing you?' The doctor motioned to Levi.

'What? No. I… had a panic attack.'

'Oh.' The doctor nodded slowly.

'Well,' she began, 'we will give you a tranquilizer.'

'No thanks, I'm good.'

'Nonsense, we can't have you disturbing the other patients,' she waved it away.

'I won't disturb them. I don't want it.'

'Shush now,' She held up a syringe filled with clear liquid.

'I don't want it,' I raised my voice.

'It won't harm you, now stop making a fuss.' As she approached me with it, I snatched it out of her hands.

'If I don't want it, then I'm not going to have it. You are not entitled to give me anything if I refuse,' I reminded her assertively.

The doctor folded her arms. 'Then we will have to take you to another room.'

'I'm not going to have another panic attack OK? It was a one off.'

'Then explain to me the cause of it.' She probed.

I went silent. 'The lights went out…' I said quietly.

The doctor scowled at me. 'Really! Like anyone would believe that you could have a panic attack from the dark!'

'Oi, leave her alone. Who are you to judge what she can be scared of?' Levi growled. She swivelled around and met a pitiless, icy glare like none I'd ever seen before.

She deadpanned.

'J- just go to sleep now, all of you!' The Doctor snapped, and she stalked off down the ward.

'Thank you, Levi,' I said gratefully.

'Ignorant cow…' He hissed, glaring after her.


	20. Chapter 20 - Psychology

**Helloooooooooooooooo. I have two days before I finish school for two years/possibly forever! :O Next year is GCSE year... God help me...**

 **Well, I thought I'd upload a day early. I didn't know what to do for this so they just have a chat, I guess. Sorry if it isn't my most exciting chapter :/ The action will be back when the two of them are out of hospital, which will be soon.**

 **If anyone's out there, please write to meh below and let me know what you think! ;)**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING, SCENES ON THE SUBJECT OF SUICIDE. ALL CONTENT I DEEM TO BE TRIGGERING IS IN BOLD SO SKIP THOSE PARTS IF YOU WANT TO***

'Levi, how DID you end up in Gregory Hartwich's basement?'

He sighed. 'He tricked me into thinking he had you there.'

'Then… why didn't you bring the military police or a group or something?'

'He told me I had to come alone or he would kill you.'

I nodded in understanding.

Glancing over the ward, I saw a Mother sitting by her sickly child. The boy was pale and thin, and his Mother held his hand with tears in her eyes. It reminded me of my twin sister Nina, whom I don't remember much of. In fact, all I remember is her dead body, which I discovered when I was two years old.

 _'Nina? Nina?' I could only speak in broken sentences, but I knew my sister's name. 'Nina!'_

 _She wasn't waking up._

 _'Mummy!' I whined. 'Nina not wake.'_

 _Heavy, lethargic footsteps grew louder in the distance, and Mummy staggered around the corner. I was kneeling on the cold stone in our tiny bedroom, poking my lifeless two-year-old sister, who was curled up on the floor in the rags of my dead brother's clothes, as I was._

 _'What is it?' She heaved, weak-kneed from hunger. Her hair was ash blonde, just like mine. Her eyes were kind but weary, and bright emerald green._

 _'Nina not wakin'.'_

 _Horror took over her senses and she fell down next to Nina, scooping her up in her arms. The tiny, blonde child was gaunt and thin and cold to the touch._

 _'Nina sweetie, Mummy's here, please wake up.' She lay her hand against her neck, only to find no pulse_ _ **.**_ _Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she started to shake. I sat there, wide-eyed. What's going on? Why is Mummy upset? Suddenly she screamed a hoarse cry of anguish, yelling Daddy's name._

 _'Romery! ROMERY COME HERE! NINA, MY NINA! SHE'S STARVED IN THIS DAMN HELLHOLE!' She screamed it over and over again hysterically; she screamed for what seemed like hours. Even when Daddy arrived she wouldn't stop screaming. Even when Daddy took Nina away and I tried to get Mummy's attention, she wouldn't stop screaming. She screamed until Daddy shook her by the shoulders and yelled at her that she needed to calm down and stop wasting energy. Then she sat against the wall of our bedroom and cried quietly. I shuffled over to her._

 _'Mummy? Where Nina?' She slowly turned her head towards me and draped her arms around me tearfully._

 _'Listen to me Novalie, you are my only child now. You are the survivor. Whatever happens, you must survive, do you understand? You are my little survivor, and don't let anything stop you. I love you.'_

 _I love you_

No one loves me now. The ones who cared for me are gone. But, still, I am the survivor, the only living Kansten, and I will survive, even if I cannot live, I will survive.

That's what my Mother wanted.

'What's that face for?' Levi grumbled.

I snapped out of my thoughts. 'What face?'

'You are frowning.'

'I am?'

'Mm.'

'Oh, I'm just thinking.'

He nodded.

'Levi, do you have any siblings?'

'No.'

'Huh, I did. An older brother and a twin sister.'

Levi met my gaze, suddenly marginally more interested. 'You had a twin?'

'Yeah. She was called Nina.'

'Nina and Novalie. What was your brother's name?'

'Elias.'

'Didn't you say he killed himself?'

'That's how the story goes. I was too young to remember him. Apparently, we had such a crap life that he wanted out.'

Levi scowled at his lap, **probably remembering seeing one of the many corpses hanging out of windows by homemade nooses. It was a common sight in the Underground City**.

'Tch.'

We sat in silence, and something brewed inside me. A niggling feeling, an EMOTION.

 _What? Why now?_

It was… I guess… sadness…?

I didn't realise I'd clenched my fists and was frowning severely. It was just… What pain must Elias have gone through? He was only seven years old when he ended his life… I was there once, in a position to end it there and then.

 **I remember my own pain, standing on the roof of my adopted parents' house and holding the cool, scratchy tip of a dagger to my throat. I was more than ready to plunge it straight into my neck, to choke violently on my own blood and let it spill from my lips. It would speak my pain for me. Then I would roll off the roof and my bones would shatter with several crunches as I died. I wanted it to be violent. I wanted it to be cruel. I was blinded by my tears and deafened by my own heart beat and my hands shook like leaves in a storm on that godforsaken roof. I remember it clear as day.**

So why am I still alive today?

 _You are my little survivor, and don't let anything stop you. I love you._

I suppose it was because of my Mother. She got me off of that roof alive with the memories of her kind smile and her love for me.

I realised that I was making a face, and relaxed, sitting back against the headrest of my bed. Powerful memories, eh? It's all coming back. The memories are coming with pain alongside them this time, just like they did in my "emotional days". Maybe I'll get my emotions back someday. Then I'll feel the grief, but it will be better than this void I am permanently consumed by.

'You know,' I began. I saw Levi turn towards me in my periphery. 'I went there once. Once upon a time I almost killed myself too.'

'Yeah…' Levi murmured. 'Me too.'

Wait, no way. Mr Nothing-Kills-My-Fighting-Spirit went there too? Damn, I don't even want to imagine Levi thinking such things.

'No way. You did?'

'Mm.'

'Wow… Surely not…'

'Don't forget Kansten, you don't know what I've been through.'

'You seem pretty adamant that you drum that into me,' I commented. He glared at me and went on the defensive.

'I'm not. I've only mentioned it twice.'

'Heh, I guess you just really don't want assumptions made about you.'

'No, I don't.'

'So I am guessing from that… And the fact that you look really sad right now… You feel like no one understands, and no one ever will, so you put up all your barriers and use the "you don't know me" thing as a self-reassur-'

'Stop getting into my head with your creepy face reading shit!'

'Sorry… I was on a roll there... I'll keep it to myself.'

'Can't I have any privacy with you?'

'Privacy? Oh, you have plenty of that. I mean, I still don't ACTUALLY know what you've been through… I'm just… Making links between your behavioural traits.'

He blinked at me gormlessly. 'Are you a psychologist?'

'No.'

'Well, the Regiment is going to hire some psychologists to counsel us or some shit as a mandatory part of "maintaining our health". You should do your creepy psychic thing on them instead. They might actually appreciate it,' Levi remarked.

'Mandatory eh? Oh dear, I can think of some issues with that. I mean, Hanji's one will just get lectures on titans, mine will get nothing and yours will get scowled at.'

Levi rolled his eyes and smirked very faintly. 'That's true.'


	21. Chapter 21 - I'm Not Broken

**Heyyyyyyyyyy. So, the summer holidays have started, which is good for me, ;) and also good for you! Why? Cause I will probably have more time to be uploading these. Who knows, you might even see more than one chapter a week! Yay!**

 **So, Kamoku's free from the hospital, and THE PSYCHOLOGY IS INTENSIFYING!  
Sorry, I love psychology... As you can probably tell lol**

 **I listened to music while writing this, and I must say, it gives it an AWESOME effect. It was kind of heartfelt music, so that's inevitably what this chapter ended up being like XD**

 **enjoy!**

 **Oh, and REVIEW PLZ**

I was finally let out of the hospital a week later, and I could tell Levi didn't like it. He would have no one to talk to and, being the active man he is, he would be frustrated as hell laying there all day. I told him I would visit as often as I could, and was escorted promptly back to the castle.

As the gates loomed into view, a figure with a wildly swinging red ponytail was jumping up and down, waving to me. I thanked the carriage driver and hopped out, wandering up to Hanji, who was approaching me with speed.

'Kamoku Kamoku! Where have you been what happened where's Levi they were saying that something terrible happened I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!'

I blinked at her, overwhelmed by her outburst. 'Say that again, but slower, with pauses.'

She instantly forgot about whatever she was saying and blurted 'Kamoku, there are PSYCHOLOGISTS here!'

'I know,' I said. 'Levi told me.'

'Where IS Levi?'

'Still in hospital.'

'Oh yeah, I heard both his legs are broken!'

'Yup.'

'How did that happen?'

'Long story short, we were attacked.'

'Attacked?! By who?'

'Someone that is dead now,' I sighed, scooting around her and wearily trudging inside. I really couldn't be bothered to deal with her right now. I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the empty dining table heavily. It's good to be home. Suddenly a small boy came racing around the corner. He had big blue eyes and almost shoulder-length blond hair. He stopped when he saw me.

'Oh! You are back, you are from Levi's squad, aren't you?'

'Yes,' I nodded. It was Armin, the really innocent-looking but very clever one.

'Eren was worried about you, you know.'

I raised an eyebrow. The kid was WORRIED About ME? 'Me?'

'Yes, actually, he was pretty distraught.' I shook my head in confusion.

'Jeez.'

'Yeah, well, he kinda likes you.' Armin grinned nervously.

'Well, I'm glad he doesn't dislike me,' I declared, standing up and picking up my empty teacup.

Armin scratched the back of his neck, 'Ah… Yeah… Not… quite like… that…' I could have sworn that's what he muttered, but I was halfway into the kitchen by then anyway and he remembered he was going to do something and rushed off.

"Not quite like that"? Well how ELSE could he have meant it? Whatever.

I sat in my room, glancing at my reflection. The woman that stared right back at me was thinner than before, and a little gaunt. I was still not at my best after the whole ordeal. My ash blonde bob fell about my sharp but petite jawline, and those cold hazel eyes glinted gold at me in the sunlight. I was very small and had the figure of a fourteen-year-old, so I would have been mistaken for a child had I not had the face of a thirty-year-old. I had a weary, haggard face, one that a child could not have possibly seen enough grief to have acquired. My scar on my cheek ran from my nose to my jaw in a long gash. I put my hand to it gently. That's where it all went wrong. It was the scar that withheld the pain I'd been through. People say they can't remember their childhoods, but mine was so traumatic that of COURSE I remember it. I remember every second as if it were yesterday. Why is it that we remember pain so much clearer than happiness? How is that fair? Ah, how is anything fair…? I swivelled back around in my chair and continued to read my book, shaking the thoughts out of my head.

At around three o clock that afternoon I got a knock on my door. Upon opening it, I was met with a tall, curvaceous woman in smart attire. She had piercing blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair scraped back into a bun that was falling out.

'Hello there, are you Kamoku Kansten?'

I nodded silently.

'Good, I am Dr Nowak, a psychologist that will from now on be responsible for your mental health. Would you mind seeing me now?'

Well, this should be interesting. 'Sure,' I replied, stepping out of my room and following her down the corridor. She led me into a small empty room with nothing but two chairs opposite each other, but to a slight diagonal.

'Take a seat,' she motioned to one of the chairs while sitting on the other.

'So, Kamoku, I have looked at your medical record, it seems as if you have been through a lot.'

I nodded silently.

'And you are… twenty-seven?' She asked, tilting her head to one side as she scanned the paper on her lap with my information on.

'Yes.'

'So, how are you feeling today?' She asked gently, staring me right in the eye. I held her gaze.

Let the interrogation begin.

'Fine,' I replied bluntly.

'How would you define "fine"?'

'No specifically strong feeling, just… Alright…'

'And how often do you feel "fine"?'

'Pretty much all of the time.'

'Give me an example of when you are NOT fine.'

'When I'm in pain.'

'And what causes this pain?'

'Titans.'

'Oh, so physical pain?'

'Yes.'

'What about emotional pain? Do you feel that often?' She hinted, causing me to remember the dream I had at the hospital.

'No.'

'So, you don't often feel negative emotion?'

'No.'

'Would you, then, describe yourself as a happy person?'

'No.'

'And why is that?'

'Because I don't often feel happy.'

'Why is that?'

'Because I don't have much to be happy about.'

'OK. List some of the positive things in your life.'

I barely had to think before I said, 'Levi.'

She smiled at me. 'Captain Levi is a positive thing in your life?'

'Yes,' I said.

'What makes him a positive thing?'

'He is my friend.'

'Do you have many friends?'

'No, just him.'

'Is he a good friend to you?'

'Yes.'

'What makes him a good friend?'

'He is caring… Selfless… Understanding…'

'What other positive things do you have in your life?'

I sat staring at the floor for a long while, while Dr Nowak stared at me, waiting. I shook my head eventually.

'Nothing. There is nothing.'

She sat back in her chair, something resembling sadness crept across her face.

'…Nothing?' She asked quietly.

'You look sad.' I remarked.

She defensively snapped back to being utterly professional. 'I apologise.'

'No, it's fine, you are only human.'

She nodded, shifted in her seat, and moved on.

'So, um, what negative things are there in your life? Are there many?'

'Death… I suppose… And… emptiness… That's about it.'

'Are you very affected by death?'

'Not anymore.'

'Were you when you were younger?'

'Yes.'

'When was the last time you would say you were strongly affected by death?'

'When… My adopted parents died.'

She hastily made notes on the paper on her lap. 'And how did that make you feel?'

'Sad.'

'Anything else?'

'Confused.'

'Anything else?'

'…Angry…'

'You got angry?'

I nodded. I suddenly didn't like this. I didn't like how deep this woman was burrowing into my head. I didn't trust her with that.

'How did you express that?'

'I didn't.'

'Do you often not express your anger?'

'I don't feel angry anymore.'

'And why is that?'

'Read my report. I don't feel.'

'What if Levi died?'

She dropped the bombshell. My chest tightened. I crossed my arms and clammed up.

'Kamoku?' She hinted after a long silence.

I shrugged.

'Did that hit a raw nerve?'

'…'

'Noted.' She scribbled it down. _I don't like this. I don't like this at all…_

'Can I go now?' I asked uncomfortably.

'Yes, you may. Thank you, I will see you n-'

I marched out of the room.

The sense of uneasiness faded as I left. I had not really felt much when I was counselled at the mental hospital - back at rehab. I was too messed up in the head to even respond properly. But now, since I am… Less messed up, I have the capacity to know that I don't want her knowing this information.

She was so invasive, and… I don't like it at all. I'm almost becoming like Levi with his mysterious ways, I don't want her to judge me, label me, analyse me. I am me, I don't need to have a bunch of medical words listed under the name that isn't even mine. I am not broken anymore…

…I don't want to be broken…

'Novalie?'

'Hm?' I snapped out of my daydream. I was sat at the hospital with Levi, reminiscing on my little ordeal with the Doctor.

'You are frowning.'

'Levi… Am I… broken?' I stared at him intently, he looked utterly taken aback.

'Broken? N- no.'

'Honestly though, am I?'

'Well… Yeah,' He confessed. 'I mean, you aren't normal.'

I nodded solemnly. 'Can I be fixed?'

He frowned down at his lap. 'I don't know… Why are you bringing this up?'

'I… Don't want to be broken anymore Levi. I want to feel, I want to laugh and cry and yell. I don't want to be this pillar of emotionlessness.'

'Oh.' He looked sombre. 'I don't really know what to say…'

'You don't need to say anything.'

'OK.'

Silence filled the air.

'Novalie?'

'What?'

'One day, you will get them back. You will smile and laugh and whatever… You can be fixed.' His words made a tiny blossom of something that felt like a twisted, deformed shred of happiness awaken inside of me.

 _Sometimes… A person can fix you…_

I smiled on the inside. It was a small, grateful, but kinda pathetic little smile that didn't at all translate to my blank face, but it was a smile nonetheless.


	22. Chapter 22 - Birthday Broom

**Hallo all, welcome back to THE HOUSE OF FUN HEHEHE**

 **I swear I have a screw loose...**

 **And I'm slightly bored...**

 **Anyway, sorry I haven't posted in a while - I have no WiFi where I am rn. I have limited time on it at the moment so I thought "hey, why not give them a chapter or two since I'm well overdue?"**

 **So, here are two brand new chapters. You see, when I'm on holiday, although I can't upload, I write TONS. So I have written more 6 chapters! :O**

It seemed like forever until Levi was allowed out of the hospital. The bitter chill of winter had set in and a thin, slushy layer of snow covered the ground. It may have been a feeble bit of snow, but that didn't stop me being pummelled with snowballs by sniper-scouts every time I stepped outside. It was especially deadly if HANJI was around the corner, because she was determined to a scary level on burying everyone she saw. The only people that were immune to such projectiles were Erwin and Levi, because no one dared throw snowballs at them.

The cliff edge I like to sit at looked beautiful in the snow, coated in white like a picturesque painting. I would brush the snow off of the boulder and hop up on it, winding my scarf around me. I did not own a coat, but I had a scarf, since my neck had always got awfully cold. It was navy blue and I could flatten it out and wind it right around me like a blanket. I didn't really mind the cold as much though, it didn't bother me if my fingers and toes were numb. In summer, the sun would drain me of all energy, and so I always shrunk away inside. Winter, however, was a lot more bearable.

Word of Christmas had filled the air, not that we celebrate it, but it was a well-known tradition celebrated by those in the pre-titan era. The one reason everyone got so hyped about it though, was the fact that it was Levi's birthday on Christmas Day. While I spent my days at the cliff edge, admiring the silence, with only the chirp of the odd robin, Hanji was attempting to make Levi's birthday the biggest news around. He was going to be thirty-five, not that he looked it. I knew he wouldn't want a fuss, but I couldn't help but want to get him SOMETHING. But, what does Levi WANT? He doesn't care much for material items, and I don't have any money. I don't have creative talents either, so I was pretty stuck.

One evening, I was sat in the dining hall, staring into space. Eren piped up and distracted me from my thoughts.

'Kamoku? Are you OK?'

I glanced up at him. 'Of course I am, why?'

'You are very quiet.'

'Oh, I am just thinking.'

'R- right.' The boy looked awfully nervous.

'Are _you_ OK?'

'Yeah, I'm fine…' He sighed.

'You don't sound it.'

He shrugged. 'Armin told you, didn't he?'

'Told me what?' I raised an eyebrow, wracking my brains to try and remember anything significant Armin could've said to me. Armin, who was sat next to Eren, chimed in as well.

'Yeah, I don't think she quite got what I meant,' Armin said awkwardly. 'Kamoku, Eren likes you, as in more than a frie-' Eren clamped his hand over Armin's mouth desperately.

'Shut up Armin!'

'Mm hmm mph!' Armin protested.

'Oh, I see, as in romantically?' I mused. Eren's face went a deep shade of red.

'Ah… Yeah…'

'Bit of an age gap though,' I commented.

'Uh huh…'

'Tch.'

We all glanced towards the source of the sound. Levi's eyes glinted silver under the shadow of the cabinet behind him. 'Good luck with that Jaeger, she doesn't feel love for people.'

I stared at him for a second, _she doesn't feel love for people_. I knew what he meant, but the way he said it… it made me sound like a mindless, unfeeling object. It sparked a tiny pang of hurt. I was actually offended by that. Oh Levi, why do you have the ability to re-ignite all the NEGATIVE emotions I could feel?

Eren nodded, it wasn't a very incredulous thing to say.

'Look, I don't know WHAT you see in me, but it's true, I can't feel that way, and besides-' I caught the eye of Mikasa, who suddenly looked very angry at Eren. '…you are just a kid. I am thirteen years older than you.'

'I thought you were twenty-seven?' Levi asked.

'I turned twenty-eight a few weeks ago.'

'WHAT?' Hanji leapt up from her seat. 'WE MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY?! HOW COULD I NOT KNOW?!'

'I didn't tell anyone Hanji, that's why you missed it,' I explained patiently. The last thing I wanted was anyone celebrating MY birthday. That's a trauma I could really do without.

'Why not?!' Hanji whined, sitting down again sulkily.

'Because I don't think anything of it. I get a year older… that's all that happens.'

'Ohhhhh, PLEASE tell me when it is!' Hanji shook my arm.

'No.'

'PLEASE!'

'I have to go somewhere,' I declared, and stood, trying to shake Hanji off of my arm.

After successfully managing to lose the bespectacled cling-on, I grabbed my scarf, wound it around me, and led my horse to the gate in the darkness of the night, slipping through it quietly. I mounted it and rode down to town – there was something I had to do…

'Hello Grace,' I approached the small, slight woman who was cowering from the light blizzard under the roof of a pub. She had her shawl wrapped around her shoulders tightly. She turned with a start.

'Oh, Kamoku, hello, we should really go inside.' She glanced around her nervously.

'In the pub?' I raised an eyebrow, it would be full of drunken and probably aggressive townsfolk. We could hear the jeering from out here.

'Well…' She looked around desperately, 'It's not safe out here at night. It can really get quite rough…'

As she said that, the door to the pub crashed open, and a large, bald, sweaty man came staggering out, gurgling and cackling. I stepped backwards warily as he noticed us. He lurched, catching his balance just before he could fall on us. Grace cowered behind me fearfully.

''Ello luv…' He slurred, giving me a lop-sided grin.

I did not reply.

'Well aren't you a picture? 'Oo's that be'ind ya?'

'No one, go home,' I said assertively, hoping he'd just leave.

'No hugs for me?' He whined, reaching towards us. Grace squeaked.

'Come any closer and I will kick you,' I warned.

'Come on luvvy, jus' one…' I watched his feet. He stepped forwards. _Sorry mate, you just crossed the boundary_. I raised my boot and thrust it into his stomach. He gurgled and stumbled backwards.

'Oh, you really shouldn't have done that!' Grace gasped. 'He might get angry!'

The man threw up all over the pavement, and I felt Grace's hand in mine as she pulled me away. I turned and ran with her, bolting down the road and slipping around a corner.

'Are you alright?' I asked her. She looked white as a sheet.

'Y- yeah… I'm just not used to seeing people like that… And this is not a very nice town at night.'

'He wasn't that bad…'

'What?! He tried to HUG US!'

'I've seen worse Grace,' I sighed, wondering how she could be so horrified by an attempted hug. He wasn't even aggressive…

'Y- you have?'

'I grew up in the Underground.'

'Oh, you didn't! You poor thing! I've heard terrible things…'

I shrugged, not really sure how to respond. 'Well anyway,' I began. 'Down to business.'

'Yes, what are you going to get Levi?'

'Well, I've thought about it long and hard and I think I know just the thing.'

'Oh? What's that?'

'A broom.'

She started at me in confusion, a smile of pure amusement spreading across her face. 'A _broom_? Whatever would he want that for?'

'He loves cleaning, and the ones in the cupboard are falling apart.'

'Well… I know where to get one, but they might have closed by now.'

'Oh, what time is it?'

She pulled a pocket watch from the pocket in her dress. 'Five thirty, quickly, we might make it.'

We made a dash to the shop. I felt so dependant, I didn't even know where to buy a broom. The last time I had bought anything was probably when I was a child. The shop was empty, and the shopkeeper was clearing up.

We slipped through the door, alerting him. 'We're closing in a minute,' he informed us.

'Sir, please may we make a quick purchase?' I asked. This really was my last chance, tomorrow I was training all day, and the next day it would be too late.

The weary old man sighed. 'Go on then, quickly.'

We gravitated over towards the brooms, and I stared at them gormlessly. I wanted to get a good one, but I didn't want to cost Grace much, since she was paying for it.

I had met up recently with her to "chat", as she wanted to know how I was doing. She had seemed to take more of a shine to me than I realised… No idea why… Anyway, she had heard that I had been hospitalized, and was worried. I had told her of my Levi issue in our little chat, and she had volunteered to pay for me to get him something. We had decided to meet in town so she could help me, since I had no idea where to find anything. I don't go into town nowadays. I had, however, been a bit… delayed… tonight due to a certain scientist that would not let go of my arm.

'This one is very good quality,' Grace pointed. It certainly looked… and _felt_ … good quality. I looked at the price and shook my head.

'Too much money.'

'Nonsense!' She insisted. 'I can pay for it.'

'Let me look at the others…' I wandered around, but the others, while a friendlier price, were not particularly good. I sighed, looking at them all indecisively.

'Hurry up you two, I wanna close the shop!' The owner complained.

'S- sorry, we're going to buy this one.' Grace pointed to the expensive one.

The man nodded and took it down, shuffling to the counter. I stared at Grace as she smiled at me, handing over her money as if it were nothing. Then she handed me the broom and said, 'Goodbye Kamoku, I will see you when I'm back at work.' And with that, she darted off out into the snow, back to her parents' house, whom she was staying with on her time off. I shook my head to myself, she was so kind. I will have to think of some way to repay her, and get some money – I can't depend on her every year, now can I?


	23. Chapter 23 - Snowballs

**I took a risk in this chapter... Hope you approve of my daring move :)**

With a yawn, I stepped outside my door after yet another sleepless night. I'd woken from a perplexing dream. It was one of my many recurring dreams, I was laying on the road as the gate was closing, and my parents were about to be devoured, as usual… But then, they didn't die. They were saved by a mysterious person that, like a bolt of lightning, swooped down and sliced the titan's neck. It was killed instantly, and my parents made it under the gate. They were hugging me, crying, telling me it was OK, that someone had saved them. When I asked them who, my mother simply told me to look up. I squinted up at the bright sun, and a scout was above us, crouched on the side of the wall, staring down at me blankly. There was something about this man… Did I know him? I asked him who he was, since I had not recognised him. He didn't reply.

Upon waking up, I realised it had been Levi. My seven-year-old self hadn't known who he was.

How strange, that's the first time one of my recurring dreams have changed…

I pondered it while making my way down the corridor to the dinner hall for breakfast. The door of Levi's room ahead of me opened very slowly. His head poked through it cautiously, and he scanned the corridor suspiciously, clocking my presence before sidling out. 'What are you doing?' I asked.

'Making sure I don't get jumped out on,' He explained.

'Jumped out on…?'

'Hanji usually ambushes me.'

It clicked then. Of _course_ , it's Levi's birthday today.

'Oh right. Happy birthday by the way.'

'Thanks,' he said in a monotone way.

'LEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIII! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY!' Levi fell like a domino beside me as a wild and unruly Hanji came leaping out from behind a pillar and onto him. I stepped back in alarm.

'Get off me Shitty Glasses!' He squirmed under her grasp. I watched in mild amusement, with no intention to help him. Suddenly he rather violently kicked up at her, and beat her off of him. Standing up and brushing himself off, he glared at her. She was laying on the floor, giggling.

'Shut up idiot.'

'Hee hee hee, I improved my hiding place this year!' She chortled. Levi stepped over her and strode off down the corridor indignantly. I helped her to her feet, and led her to the dinner hall patiently as she giggled non-stop.

Well, today should be interesting.

All day Levi was receiving Happy Birthdays, and in the end, he just ignored them. The snow was coming down fast, and so training was cancelled. I wandered outside, jumping out of my skin when a snowball crashed right into my shoulder.

'Hi Hanji…' I sighed. There was no reply. I raised an eyebrow, looking around. The only person within snowball shot was Levi, and he wouldn't have… Would he? He was staring off into the distance, back turned to me as he drank tea. I blinked and continued walking. A couple of seconds later, another snowball hit me in the back, and I swivelled around quick enough to catch Levi red-handed.

He saw that I'd caught him and gave in. I shuffled up to him through the deep snow. 'That's not like you,' I tilted my head to one side.

His face was bored and unapproachable as usual, but in his eyes I saw a smile. 'Couldn't help it. It's snow, and that's rare here. Besides, you are always so poker faced.'

'Says you,' I remarked. He shrugged.

'Why don't you wait until Hanji comes out and lob them at her instead?' I suggested.

'That's what I am waiting for. She bloody deserves it.' The edge of his mouth curled into a smirk. Wow, he's in a good mood today.

'Hm, oh, stay there, I need to do something quickly,' I told him, remembering the broom. I made my way back to the door and quickly fetched it from my room. On my way back, I picked up a rather large lump of snow and lobbed it at him. He turned swiftly to see me standing in the snow, broom in hand. I held it up to him.

'Happy Birthday Levi.' He looked dumbfounded for a second, taking it from me and inspecting it. He looked impressed.

'For your love of cleaning,' I added. He went silent, and then did something that almost made me lose my balance where I stood. He chuckled, actually LAUGHED, happiness flashing across his face as it happened. I'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open. It was majestic, he had a dark laugh, but even so, to see actual HAPPINESS in him… It was miraculous.

'Thank you Novalie… I…' He shook his head.

I nodded. I knew what he was trying to say.

'You're welcome.'

My gaze drifted past him, landing on a red-haired lady with glasses perched upon her nose. 'Levi, Hanji alert!' I pointed behind him. Hanji was picking her way through the snow happily, probably on her way to her lab. A playful urge to get my revenge on her for her repeated abuse against me bubbled inside me. Could this be… a POSITIVE emotion?

I bent down, gathering the stingingly cold snow into my fists, compacting it, and throwing it in her direction. It hit her on the head. She stopped, turning to face her foes.

'Pathetic Kansten,' Levi sighed.

'Wha- oh.' He had a huge snowball in his hands, and, before Hanji could blink, it was in her face.

'Argh!' She hastily brushed snow out of her face. 'Oh, it's on Levi!'

It is indeed Hanji, prepare to be annihilated.

 _'So,' Dr Nowak began, 'it was your birthday?' Levi nodded. He hated these sessions, and made a point to be as least receptive as possible._

 _'Well, happy birthday Levi. Did you get anything?'_

 _'yes.'_

 _'What did you get?'_

 _'A broom.'_

 _'From who?'_

 _'N- Kamoku,' he corrected himself sharply._

 _'Oh, she knows you like cleaning then?'_

 _'Yes.'_

 _'You've mentioned you are close to her, did you two do anything else for your birthday?'_

 _He shrugged. 'We threw snow at Hanji.'_

 _The doctor sat back in her chair, eyebrows raised. 'Did you… have fun?'_

'Did you and Levi do anything else on his birthday?'

I shrugged. 'We had a snowball fight.'

'You did? And did you feel any kind of enjoyment or happiness?'

 _'Yes.'_

'Yes.'

There was no denying it, my emotions were on their way back. How, I am still not ENTIRELY sure, but I have a good idea.

After she realised my limits, Dr Nowak did not speak of anything deeply emotional again, and if she ever tried to waver into that dark, forsaken pit, I put up my barriers, much to her apparent frustration.

About a week after Levi's birthday, I woke up only to have the world sent spinning. I felt sick to my stomach. Laying down again, my head filled with boiling hot fogginess and pounded relentlessly. Damn, I'm ill. It's one thing after another, I get a concussion, then I break my collarbone, then I am hospitalized shortly after losing my entire squad. Just as I recover, I come down with the flu. Wonderful. I lay there helplessly. I can't stay here feeling sorry for myself all day. I have to try and get up… I stood, staggering dizzily to my wardrobe, and deliriously put on my uniform. It took twice as long to do my harness since the buckles blurred and faded in and out of view. I decided what I needed was a good cup of tea, and so, keeping a hold of the wall as I walked, I attempted to get down the stairs. I managed to somehow get to the dining hall and sit next to Mikasa, who was quiet as usual. I didn't have the energy to go and make tea. I'll just sit here instead…

'Kamoku? You don't look so good,' Armin pointed out.

'No, I'm a little under the weather,' I told him. He frowned and looked down at the table – I probably looked more than a little under the weather to be honest.

At training time, I could barely walk in a straight line. I estimated that I would probably collapse, since my legs are the first things to give up when I push myself too hard. Oh well, I'll keep going until I do. I hate to be inactive. Since the snow had cleared up, we were back outside, practising sword combat. The Levi Squad had only three members now, and so I was always partnered with Eren while Levi supervised. I couldn't think straight though, and repeatedly ended up being poked with the wooden swords we were using. Eren would blush and apologise every time he did so, and I would assure him that it was fine and it was what we were meant to do.

'Kamoku,' Levi stopped me. 'What are you doing? You aren't concentrating.'

'I'm trying, I'm just… Not feeling my best today.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'It means exactly what I said.'

He frowned at me suspiciously. He knew I belittled my ailments, and one would only find out how severe it was when I did something drastic, like collapse, which I ALMOST did. Almost. I stumbled forwards, catching my balance quickly. The world lurched painfully, but I ignored it best I could and apologised to the Captain for my incompetence. I could tell he was suspicious of me. After training, I went to see Grace in the infirmary to see if she had anything she could give me. She gave me some painkillers, and told me of how in the village people were furious with the scouts, saying they wanted their taxes lowered and proposing all sorts of violence.

'Yes,' I agreed. 'Humanity is gradually building up more and more spite towards us.'

She seemed genuinely worried, and advised me not to go down to the town with my uniform on. I guess I won't be going at all then, since this uniform is all I own.

I regret now not taking Grace's word more seriously, since if I'd known what where to happen that night, I would have been a hundred times sincerer.


	24. Chapter 24 - Flame Under the Stars

**'Bout time something went on around here, so here you are, have a chapter! Oh and plz review it and I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.**

 **OK, I'm probably scaring you all away.**

The sun set in a cold, grey haze. The sky was stark and grey and bleak. It turned from that to a deep inky blue, and I stood feeding my horse in the stable. I swayed, grasping its reins. I felt like I was going to throw up even standing. I'd probably made myself worse by not resting. I could have sworn I heard a tinny, far-off yell, but blamed it on the blood rushing around my blocked-up ears. I tottered back into the castle, slowly ascending the stairs. Time to rest… Finally. Perhaps I'll take it easy tomorrow. I was the only one in the silent hallway, as the majority of scouts were sleeping. As I lethargically climbed the stairs, the angry shouting became more apparent, and I realised I wasn't imagining it when Erwin came bursting through the front door, yelling at me to get everyone out of bed and prepare to fight. We were under attack. By humans. Adrenaline pushed the flu to one side and forced me up those stairs faster than I'd ever been up them before. I knocked on people's doors loudly, shouting 'get up, we are under attack!' In the loudest voice possible. As I made my way down the corridor, Levi was one of the first to surface, since he'd most likely not been even been sleeping.

'What's happening?' He asked.

'Levi, wake everyone up. There is an angry mob of people attacking us as we speak.'

'WHAT?'

'Just do it, quickly.' He nodded, and soon, we had a large group of us knocking on doors. The stairwells were teeming with sleepy scouts, who rushed to the storage rooms to equip their gear. I was far from thinking straight, and burst through the front door to see a few of the higher-ups, including Hanji, Erwin, and Mike, struggling to hold back a group of yelling villagers in the gateway. I ran to join them, but Erwin stopped me.

'Kamoku, you aren't cut out for anything requiring brute force. They are inevitably going to get through, so be prepared to incapacitate them as best you can using those combat skills of yours.'

'Yes sir,' I nodded, running to the back gate to see if they were coming in there too. The corridors were packed, and as I ran, I bumped into Grace. She looked awfully frightened.

'Oh, Kamoku, what's going on?'

'Grace, get all the staff into the infirmary and lock and barricade the doors.'

'What?! Why?'

'You were right, the villagers are very angry.'

She gasped, clamping her hand over her mouth. 'What are you going to do?'

'Defend us best I can. Now go.' She nodded, turning and running back to the infirmary. As I took off in the opposite direction, I heard her yell 'Be careful, don't get hurt!'

'I'll try!' I shouted back, my illness barely noticeable now. I reached the back gate. No one was there, thank goodness. Not many people actually realise we HAVE a back gate. At least we only have one place to defend. I dashed back to the courtyard, my mouth dropping open at the chaos. The surging crowd of hostile townspeople had spilled into the courtyard and scouts were fighting with their bare hands in a desperate attempt to stop them. They were wielding torches of flame, and lobbing them at the castle windows. I was about to step through the doorway when a flaming club came hurtling through the window, shattering the glass with an ear-splitting smash. I shielded my face, stumbling backwards. Luckily I wasn't hit, but the bookcase was in danger of catching fire. I stomped on the torch quickly, extinguishing the flame.

I darted around outside, grabbing the nearest aggressive-looking man and kicking him where it hurts. I elbowed him in the shoulder as he bent double, and I tripped him up. I looked around me. How do we KEEP them down? Only one way I guess. I hit him over the head with his own club, knocking him out. As I repeated this technique on a young woman, I felt someone grab me viciously and pull me into the darkness of the stables. I struggled, but was weaker than usual, my foggy head bringing on panic and impeding my rational thought. The person clamped their hands around my throat, instantly cutting off my air supply. I rasped and struggled, spots clouding my vision. I felt my limbs slackening. I'm weak, I'm not going to be able to get away. As they did not relent, I took it that they were planning on actually killing me. I needed help, to get someone's attention. I felt around, grabbing something – I don't know what. I lobbed it in the general direction of the people, hoping for someone to notice.

Through the chaos I spotted my fellow raven-haired friend, who had caught sight of me in the midst of his fighting. It was too blurry to see his face though, and, with my head filled with pressure, black curtains folded over my vision as he charged at me. It's too late… I'm sorry Levi…

…Wait.

I don't want to die. Not yet. I… Feel an urge to live, I WANT TO LIVE right now. I am still conscious, why aren't I fighting? I forced my eyes open, flailing in my last conscious moments. I thrashed, kicked, elbowed, but to no avail. Suddenly the intense restriction around my neck disappeared and I fell forwards. I crashed face first into the dirt, but was grateful to smell the straw of the stable under me. I took in a great, raspy breaths and coughed. And coughed. And coughed. I could barely sit up I was coughing so much. My body was ravenous for oxygen, and convulsed as I gulped down air.

'Novalie?'

My ears stopped ringing and became unblocked, and the shouting and screaming filled my ears once more. My coughing and heaving slowed down, and I opened my mouth to speak. Nothing happened. I couldn't physically make a sound. I felt a pair of arms gently pull me to my feet, and I found my footing.

'Ah… I…c…c…' I failed to make an intelligible sound.

Levi appeared in front of me.

'G- go… f…ight...' I waved him away, signalling that I was fine. A woman delirious with anger stumbled into view and lobbed a flaming torch at the back of Levi's head, and a protective instinct took over. I grabbed Levi's arm, yanking him to the side. It whizzed by his ear. The woman, now infuriated, ran at us, but Levi knocked her senseless within a matter of seconds.

'Thanks,' he said. I nodded, still mute. Upon hearing a screech, we turned, and spotted a young scout who was flailing in panic as his cloak was aflame! We both instantaneously bolted to his aid. While Levi tried to pull his flaming cloak off of him, I knocked the boy straight to the floor, instructing him hoarsely to roll around. He did so, putting out the fire.

It was utter chaos, but, as we fought on, blocking attacks left right and centre. We knew we were winning. A hundred or so professional soldiers versus fifty or so angry middle-aged villagers. By now the military police had arrived and had begun arresting them. As the sun rose we were stationed at the gate to prevent any from escaping, and I had to knee a woman who literally tried to run straight through me. I guess since I was smaller than her she was hoping to knock me over. Well lady, I have a rather thick-soled boot. 'Please,' she begged me as I grabbed her flailing arms and put her in an arm lock. 'Please, I beg, my children are all on their own!

'And yet it was fine for you to have left them this long,' I reminded her. She began to sob, crying out that people forced her, that she liked the scouts really, that she had a son in the scouts, and I blatantly ignored her pitiful excuses as I handed her over to the military police. One of the policemen looked me up and down and snorted. 'When did _you_ stop growing?'

I shrugged. 'I don't remember, it was a long time ago.'

He sniggered. 'I guess the titans think you are too small to eat.'

'I guess…' I said blankly, not engaging in his silly mockery.

'You know what? You look like one of those virgins who always has their head stuck in a book.'

'Sounds about right…' I muttered while forcing the wailing woman into the cart where all the other handcuffed vandals were sat.

'Oi, are you even listening?'

'Not really, your conversations aren't worth my time.' As I sauntered away, a young woman from the military police jabbed him.

'Oi, Ralph, stop being a dickhead. Look at the poor girl, she has been fighting all damn night!' I silently thanked her, I was barely able to put one foot in front of the other. I was utterly exhausted, ten times as ill as yesterday, and would have gladly let my knees go weak there and then. I dragged a broom out of the cleaning cupboard, sweeping the glass from the broken windows across the stone floor. I felt like a zombie… Just going through the motions… I haven't slept in a couple of days… My throat hurts… My hands are sliding off of the broom…

Stay awake!

I bolted upright. I almost fell asleep on my feet. I spotted the sofa in the corner of the room.

So inviting…

I dropped the broom, sodding it all and stumbling towards it. I fell onto it, instantly falling into blackness.

 **LEVI**

I came into the hallway and was greeted with a relieving sight. Novalie was sprawled across the sofa, sleeping. She's resting, thank god. That woman doesn't stop for anything. Just like a robot. No, she's not a robot. That's an insolent label. She's far from it. I walked up to her. She had hand-shaped purple bruises staining her neck. The bitter winter air gusted through the open door and broken window, and I shivered. I unbuttoned my cloak and lay it on top of her - she looked totally out of it. I picked up the broom laying on the floor and put it back in the cupboard. Then I pulled out the one she got me, and proceeded to sweep the glass off the floor.


	25. Chapter 25 - Let Him Go

**Alright peeps, another chapter for you. This is a really short one, but it's sort of "tying off loose ends".**

 **You'll see what I mean.**

The sun was bright and piercing, boring down on me as I flew through the dappled shade of the trees. It was June, and a heatwave had struck. I swung low, only engaging my gas to fling myself through the branches. I had an odd style of using ODM gear, lots of dives, swoops, and head-over-heels rolls. As I sliced a titan's nape, I heard the Commander call to me from a branch. I landed upon the branch and looked up at him.

'Yes sir?'

'The way you use your gear, surely that uses too much gas?'

'No, actually, it barely uses any. I try to maximise air time without gas, and so a lot of the time I'm actually falling.'

'Interesting…' The Commander said, peering at my gas levels.

'Well, it had barely gone down. That is incredible. You are dismissed Kamoku, thank you.'

I nodded, saluted, and flew into the trees once more. It was true, I've always barely used any gas. Levi has often told me to go refill, but I never need to.

That night the sun set beneath the horizon in a beautiful explosion of pink. I stood staring over the cliff edge at my favourite spot, taking in the scenery. Levi was in a bad mood, he had just lost a comrade he was rather close to. I did not know their name. In fact, he was profoundly bereaved by this, refusing to speak to me. He didn't even have an appetite. It was almost as bad as the female titan incident…

I could hear footsteps shuffling in the damp grass behind me, and knew he was there.

I knew he'd come.

'Hello Levi,' I said, still admiring the sunset.

He appeared in my periphery and sat down heavily on the boulder. I glanced at him. He had his head bowed, hiding his face. I wandered over.

'Hey.'

He bowed his head further. 'I can't do this anymore Novalie.'

'Do what?'

'This,' he motioned to me. 'I can't be this close to you.'

'What?'

'It will cause me more pain than I can handle. Look at the state of me at Eric dying, and I'm nowhere near as close to him as I am to you…'

'I won't die.'

He scoffed, 'oh really? Yeah, I can sure trust YOUR word.'

OK, so I guess I had had a few near misses… 'So… What are you going to do?' I felt anxious, did he want to AVOID me?

'I need to stop the friendship thing. I need to break away.'

'No Levi, you don't nee-'

'Don't try to persuade me, it won't work. Friendships are fine, but this one... If different. Just go, leave me alone.'

'Levi…' I was dumbfounded, shocked. Hell, I didn't want this. I like Levi -a lot- I want to be his friend,

I… need him…

'Please.'

'Stop! You are making this harder for me!' He growled, standing. 'Just go.'

'I'm not going anywhere.'

'Then I'll go,' he hissed. I could feel my face contort into something between horror and sadness.

'I… I understand. I always will, please know that,' I said quietly, an overwhelming feeling of dread taking over me. Levi looked dismayed at my expression.

'Sorry,' he muttered, and he strode off into the dusk-lit forest. I jumped forwards, almost yelling out before I stopped myself.

Don't…

Just let him go.

It's better for you, too. I gritted my teeth.

No! Stop it Novalie, it is NOT better for you. Look what he's done for you, _he made you human_.

But… I was only causing him pain every time I almost died or got hurt in some way.

I am selfish, leave him alone. He doesn't need you. He doesn't want you around.

You are a soldier, you are meant to risk yourself protecting humanity, not make friends.

Oh, Levi, please come back…

No, please don't.

 **END OF PART ONE**

* * *

 **Omg, guys, we are at the end of part one! Hooray! But NEVER FEAR, part two will soon be here! I am SO EXCITED for part two, crazy stuff is gonna happen and its going to take rather a different tone to part one. You are going to see a lot more of Levi's perspective too, indicated by his name in bold above his parts just like in the previous chapter to this one. I don't know if part two will be as long as part one… I am just making it into a separate "part" of the story since I feel like it needs to be…**

 **AND THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT, EVERY REVIEW, FOLLOW, AND FAVOURITE HAS MADE ME JUMP FOR JOY. DON'T STOP NOW!** **?**

 **I sincerely hope you enjoyed part one, it was an honour to write for you lot.**

 **See you in part two!**

 **(I feel like I'm making this a lot more of a big thing than it needs to be XD)**

* * *

 **PREVIEW TO PART TWO:**

I stood under the eyes of hundreds of watchers, facing the noose hanging in front of me. I gulped.

This is what I get for my hard work. You should never have done it Novalie… No, we needed my input. I'll sacrifice myself if it means that more people can live.

Mother, I'm coming to see you. We can be reunited once more.

I heard a whizz, and looked up to see something flying at me. I almost _smiled_ when I realised what it was.

 _"Thank you_ ," I whispered into the air as my feet left the ground.

* * *

 **Plz drop a review ;)**


	26. Chapter 26 - Insider

**Here we are chaps, part two! SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOOOOOOOOOOOWN!**

 **Enjoy, please. And drop a review if you like.**

 **PROLOGUE:**

2 YEARS AGO

 _'Woah, that's a big one!' A girl gasped. I glanced around at it from under my hood. My entire body seized up._

 _I recognise you._

 _The gate… My parents… I don't believe it…_

 _IT'S THE SAME DAMN TITAN! THE SAME DAMN ONE THAT KILLED THEM!_

 _I hadn't realised until now, but I was screaming at the top of my lungs. My Captain ran at me, shaking me and yelling for me to pull myself together. I could not hear a word of what she was saying. All I could hear was my own hysterical screeching. I shook her off, throwing myself at the titan and forcefully yanking my swords out of their sheaths. I bore my blades deep into its skin, rage consuming my brain. I cut and cut and cut through every piece of flesh it had, getting dizzier and dizzier until there was nothing left to cut. I fell to the ground, heaving and shaking. My brain whirled and whirled. Kneeling in front of the smoking lump of flesh, I ripped my hood off, throwing up as my body convulsed in pure fury and disbelief._

 _That was my last memory of the Eastern Scouting Regiment before I fell unconscious. Upon waking up in a mental hospital, I instantly remembered everything, but… the memory of it had no effect on me. I had not been the most emotional person recently, but this was different. I was completely blank, completely…_

 _…Empty …_

 **Chapter 26 – Insider**

 ** _'There is a new threat to the Scouting Regiment. Move over, titans, Kansten is coming.'_**

I could never imagine myself being old. As soon as I got so old that the Scouts sent me packing, my life would be over. I cannot RETIRE. I cannot die decrepit and frail. What would I DO with myself for all those years? No, that kind of miserable death would never suit me. What I hoped for was a simple death in action. I pray I do not live to see the day when I am too old to be a soldier. Mind you, the slower and older I get, the more likely I am to be eaten anyway. I'm just not cut out for old age. A short life on the front lines will do me fine. I have lived to this age though, which not many scouts do. I am grateful for that. Although, there have been those that have lasted longer than I, and talking of one such person, Levi stopped speaking to me. At least, as a friend. It was back to cold, calculating instructions from my Captain. I remembered the time when that was all we were - Captain and comrade. I seemed to constantly piss him off back then, but in an almost amusing way. Still, I could never TRULY go back to that, considering all we've been through together. I still felt a pang of pain knowing that if I went up to him he'd ignore me – or worse- tell me to leave him alone. I could tell he was struggling to do this, and he wouldn't look me in the eye, knowing I'd see the torment this caused him if he did. I knew there was a high chance of him wavering if I kept on at him, but something held me back. It was a niggling feeling of guilt, the one that whispered to me, _"you are the cause of his pain… Remember?"_

Despite this, it was all I ever thought about. So I was almost eaten by a crawler, almost died in a basement, almost drank a cup of poison, and was almost strangled to death, but I had my uses. I mean, I have protected him from certain death on multiple occasions… Wait, what if he gets into one of those situations now, and I'm not there to save him?

I did this all day, every day. It was pathetic, pitiful.

I opened my bedroom door, following the gentle rap that came from the other side. It was Grace.

'Hello Kamoku, um, a man asked for you down by the tailors in town. His name is Elias, do you know him?'

I raised my eyebrow. Elias? The only Elias I knew was my dead brother. 'No, I don't. I'll go see what he wants.'

'Oh, do be careful, the townsfolk are even more furious with us than before. Maybe don't wear your uniform?'

'I'll be fine,' I assured her. 'Thanks Grace.'

I decided to walk to town since I had time to kill. Elias… Who the hell could that be? They clearly have addressed me as Kamoku, since that's all Grace knows me as. I've never met an Elias though. Hm. Strange. Guess I'll have to find out.

As I neared the tailors, I spotted an ash-blonde man leaning against the front window, smoking a cigar. I approached him. He saw me, grinning toothily and sauntering up to me. I scanned his face. He has the same hazel eyes as me, eyes that reminded me of my Father. His jaw line was incredibly sharp and he had high cheekbones. He looked in his mid-thirties, and was, I suppose, what many would class as "good looking". He wasn't particularly tall either, standing only at about five-foot six.

'Novalie, hello there,' he greeted me heartily. I froze. Novalie? _He knew my name_? That's… Impossible. Did this person know Levi, by chance? Even if he did though, Levi wasn't likely to have told him my real name.

'Who are you?' I asked. His face dropped all of a sudden.

'Ah, you were but a tiny baby when I left. I don't suppose you remember me. It's me, Elias.'

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was not possible. This man… CANNOT be…

'I'm your brother.'

No way.

'You are meant to be dead.'

'Well, yes, that was the agreement.'

'Agreement?'

'I joined a band of thugs at the tender age of seven in an attempt to not only get out of that stinking hole of misery you called home, but to earn our family a bit of money. They were so devastated that I'd done something so dishonourable that they told you and Nina I'd died to prevent you from following in my footsteps.' He sighed. 'Mother and Father never had much, but boy did they have their honour. They took the money I gave them though, but only to keep you alive. It was too late for Nina by then.'

'We went to the surface though,' I pointed out, trying to cram this overwhelming information into my brain.

'You did indeed, and I chose not to come. To be honest, I felt more at home in my little family of ruffians than with our parents.'

'But… How… Did you find me? And why?'

'Because I want to _see you_ sis! Look at you, all grown up!' He grinned again, pulling me into a hug. I stiffened, wriggling out of it.

'How did you know I was here? How did you know I knew Grace?' Before he could speak, I blurted, 'and how did you know my nickname?'

'Woah, woah, questions galore! All in the work of a very informative person sister.'

'Who?'

He waved it away. 'I haven't touched your precious Captain, if that's what you are so worried about.'

How does he know these things? He must have someone in the scouts, watching me.

'Novalie, there is something very unfortunate about our situation. You see, I don't like your scouts. They are the reason so many of us are stuck in the Underground. Taxes are too high, and lets me honest, what are they doing that's bettering humanity? They need to be… Disabled… Shut down… And I want you to help me.'

'You are asking a scout to destroy the scouts along with a bunch of hooligans?' I asked incredulously. I couldn't believe my ears. This man was my brother. I had A LIVING SIBLING, and yet, he wanted to destroy my LIFE, my CAREER, in the name of _taxes?_

'I'm asking you to leave the scouts and join me. What will it be Novalie, your family, or death?'

'I'm not betraying them,' I said firmly. If he is going to attack me and all that I hold dear, then I will attack him, no matter if we are related.

'No? Well, you will have to go down with them then. Up to you...'

'Fine. And stay away from me,' I said assertively. I don't believe it. This CRIMINAL is my brother, who is hell-bent on destroying the one place I can call home. 'Wait, were you part of that riot a few weeks ago?'

He looked offended… And disappointed. 'THAT mess? Are you kidding me? Never. Something so messy and disorganised and ANIMALISTIC would never be my doing!' He folded his arms indignantly. 'Do you remember the massacre of Kuras?' He asked me. I sure did, I was part of the Eastern Scouting Regiment back then, so I wasn't part of it, but it was big news for ages. Kuras, a town not four miles away from the Western scout's former headquarters, had rioted, killing dozens of scouts as they passed through the street on the way out of the gates. It was a deadly, and very well planned, attack.

'Yes, I do.'

'That was my massacre, sister. You see, our bunch of "hooligans" are a well-trained, and VERY powerful organisation. We are the LDSR.'

I stared at him. Just stared, stared into those hazel eyes that were identical to my Father's. Elias, you are malevolent, absolutely evil, and you have taught me a new emotion, one that I never missed: disgust.

I am disgusted to think I am related to you.

'You killed them?' I said, retaining my composure.

'I did. I expect you will go running to your scouts, telling them all about me, won't you? Don't worry, you are welcome to. I dare say when you tell them Elias Kansten is the leader you will immediately be put under suspicion. Your reputation will be ruined, and if they lock you up, how can you protect little Levi while I set my soldiers on him?' I clenched my fists. What do I do? This is impossible. If Kuras was him, then they were surely powerful. Too powerful. There have been a few attacks on the scouts over the years, but the one that scared everyone to death was that massacre. We were going to need more than brute force to break their little army apart. An idea struck me then, something crazy, out of this world. What if I joined them? I could gain Elias' trust, and slowly dismantle their organisation from there. I would surely be prosecuted afterwards, but what if I could be Erwin's insider? No, Elias is no doubt an intelligent man, if this is going to work, no one else must know. It would be too much of a risk if Erwin was involved. It was the biggest risk I could ever imagine – if it worked and I destroyed them, then great, but if I failed…

'What do I get by joining you?' I asked, pretending to be interested. He smiled at me devilishly.

'Well firstly, you get me.' He laughed, but saw that I wasn't impressed and nodded. 'But of course, you want more than that. Well, you will be rich, richer than old Smith could ever be. You will be utterly safe within our ranks, and you will no doubt succeed me in leadership. If you prove yourself… You will be a hero. For now though, you can be my right-hand woman.'

'Mother once said to me… She wished I could be with you. That I would be safer, healthier. I never realised what she meant,' I lied, bringing our Mother into it to try and increase my credibility.

'Yes! See, sis, she wanted this. You loved Mother, right? Make her happy, you are going to get yourself killed for nothing in the scouts. With me, we can be heroes to the people of the Underground, we can help people like us who suffered for the scouts to die! We can avenge Nina. It's a no-brainer.'

Wow, he had some delusions of grandeur.

'OK…' I sighed, and forced the words out of my mouth. 'I'll join you. But I must sneak away unnoticed,' I couldn't believe what I was doing. And Levi, what would he think?

'I have just the thing,' Elias murmured.


	27. Chapter 27 - Reborn into Royalty

**Welcome back all, thank you for your lovely comments, clearly you took the start of part two well! I can't explain how excited I am to write about Elias, he's going to be an interesting one. Please, continue to enjoy and comment, and, a word of warning, part two is going to get pretty... Crazy...**

I breathed deeply to try and calm myself. Anxiety was now a consistent emotion of mine. I was about to betray my best friend and... my _family_. The Scouts are the closest I'd ever felt to a family, even despite my own Mother and Father's loving home. I was about to leave that all behind, all to destroy my own brother.

Will my life ever be normal?

Probably not.

The sun felt brighter and warmer than ever, the sky bluer, the wind more refreshing, on the day when I was planning to leave it all. I slipped away from the scouts, through the trees, hiding in the forest. Elias had introduced me to Johnathon, the scout that had been keeping tabs on me. Johnathon was Elias' inside man, and would help me fake my death in order to leave without suspicion. He was a vile man, but I expect the majority of Elias' men were.

I came behind the tree that Johnathon was stationed behind.

'I'm ready,' I told him.

'Yeah? Alright sweetie, let's kill you off,' the brunette grinned, reaching his hand out to touch me. I snatched his hand and swiftly put him in an arm lock, slamming him up against the tree.

'Don't touch me,' I warned. He squirmed and whimpered.

'Alright, alright, I'm sorry, let me go!'

'You better respect me, Elias does not appreciate his sister being mistreated,' I told him, stepping back. Sometimes my blank look can be intimidating, or so I'm told, so I used this to my advantage. He gulped. He was scared of Elias, and I would make sure he was scared of me, too. I needed respect amongst these delinquents.

'Well, the scouts w- will be going back now; they have achieved their goal for today. Um, so, stay here, I'll get you in a minute…'

I nodded and zipped into the treetops, watching him fly away. He was going to swap one of the name tags on the wrapped-up bodies for one with my name on. Those that burned the bodies would not know who I was anyway, and so it wouldn't matter that the body wasn't mine. As long as no one interferes, all should go to plan…

 **LEVI**

I peered around the crowd of scouts, but couldn't see her. I tried fruitlessly to shake off the anxious feeling in my stomach. I slowly and somewhat hesitantly walked along the row of the dead, taking in all the names. She won't be here, who am I kidding? She's around here somewhere, probably talking to Hanji further up the formation or something. She won't be-

 _Kamoku Kansten_

No. NO. No no no no no. I knelt down, clamping my hand over my mouth lest I throw up. Her name was blatantly written on the tag, tied to a small body. My hands started to shake and tears pricked at my eyes. Don't cry Levi, for god's sake. This isn't the time. But, she was just… gone… My heart seized up, pounding relentlessly, my insides going stone cold, as if someone had turned me to ice. I'll never know what happened to her. It could have been slow, painful, she could've been all alone. Or she could have been slaughtered pointlessly, with no idea what was about to happen. Oh no, the last thing I said to her was "leave me alone". Levi, _how could you_?! You KNEW you wouldn't be able to distance yourself so why did you abandon her? What if I could have saved her? What if I could have been there?

Ah, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!

No, Levi, no regrets. You can't blame yourself, you didn't know this was going to happen. This isn't your fault.

It. Isn't. Your. Fault.

My heart ached so badly I thought I was going to keel over. I have to see her, one last time. I reached for the gauze with quivering hands, but paused. What if it looked horrific? What if she doesn't even look like herself anymore?

Do I look?

I grabbed the gauze again, deliberating.

She will always look herself, I know she will. But am I just going to make this worse for myself?

I sagged, I can't do it. If I look at her now, all I'll remember her as is a dead body. I want to only have the memories of her living inside my head. I tried to stand, but my knees were weak with grief, and I had to grab my horse's reins, clutching onto them while I willed my legs to gain the willpower to work. As I found my balance, Four-Eyes came bounding over.

'You OK, Levi? You look like you're struggling to walk,' She commented, gawking at me.

No words would leave my mouth, my throat was so dry it felt like it had closed up, and so I just glared at her miserably and trudged past her, my body rippling with despondency from the inside out as I pulled my horse away with me. I glanced behind me a few seconds later. She, too, had seen it, and was staring down at Novalie's tag.

Her words rang through my head, "I _understand. I always will."_

I gagged. Why does everyone die that I get close to?! Did I do something WRONG? Am I being PUNISHED? I stared at the ground in a daze, swaying on my feet.

 **NOVALIE**

I sat in the treetops, staring at all the little birds that flitted around in the trees. He was taking ages. Still, there was no going back now. My impulsive as hell decision better damn work. A few minutes later, I heard the whizz of ODM gear in the distance. _Finally_. I jumped down from my branch, using my hooks to suspend myself and cushion my landing. Johnathon appeared, telling me that all had gone to plan. We mounted our horses, and took off towards the gate behind the scouts, hoods up, and just out of sight. We prayed that they would annihilate any titans in our way, which they did, and we abandoned our horses at the wall, climbing over it instead since they had already closed the gates on us. Halfway up the wall, Johnathon complained that he was out of gas. He was panicking, gripping his hooks desperately. Great. I had to practically carry him up the wall, much to my indignation and his delight. Creepy bastard. I could not wait to get back to my brother. As much as I detested him, I couldn't bear to be with this perverted lowlife.

He was waiting for us on the other side, leaning against a horse and cart. I clambered aboard, leaving Johnathon to go back to HQ, and it took us to his house, which was going to be mine from now on.

I was surprised at the neatness of Elias' home. It was simple, but immaculate. That would sit well with me.

'You are going to need some clothing, you can't wear that,' he said once we were inside, motioning to my uniform. I so dearly wanted to keep it on, but I used my head and knew it wasn't wise to display an attachment to it. I wasn't in the scouts anymore, in fact, I was their enemy, I needn't bear their emblem.

He showed me to a spare room upstairs that was to be mine, and gave me some money to go out and buy new clothing. It wasn't much. I walked around town, without my harness or jacket, since the town was a very anti-scout one. It was filled with Elias' cronies. I entered a shop, wandering around aimlessly. I had no idea where anything was. I wasn't used to buying things. I managed to find a black blazer jacket that fitted me just fine. I couldn't find any trousers in the lady's side of the shop, which I though rather strange, so I had to go to the men's side instead. I managed to find some black leather riding trousers that I could tuck into my boots– perfect for ease of movement. All I had from the scouts now was my shirt and boots.

Upon returning, Elias gave me a weird look.

'What are you wearing?'

'Clothes,' I replied.

'Ladies do not wear trousers Novalie,' he sighed.

'Yes they do.'

'Only in the scouts.'

Ah, that'll be why there were no trousers in the women's section of the shop.

'Well I don't want to wear a skirt, it reduces agility.'

He shook his head. 'Suit yourself. We are meeting them at base tonight, it's a little abandoned castle called Fort Trinch. I will introduce you there, and you can meet my -our- army.'

'Elias,' I asked, preoccupied with my own thoughts.

'Yes?'

'What does LDSR stand for?'

'The Legion for the Destruction of the Scouting Regiment,' he replied proudly.

'Oh, that makes sense,' I said in a hollow tone. What am I getting myself into? I could just leave, just go home and tell them they must have labelled the body wrong and that I got lost…

…And never speak of this again…

Fort Trinch was an impressive little castle, although it was crumbling and strangled with vines. As we approached it, I noticed the flickering orange light of torches in the windows. A few people, mostly men, were standing outside. They nodded and greeted Elias and I with the utmost respect. We got to the towering iron gates, and they were opened to us immediately. As I stepped into the courtyard behind my brother, I froze. The uproar of men and women packed in the courtyard went dead silent. Their faces lit up eerily in the torch-light, and all eyes were on us as they parted to make a path. I heard my name whispered among them, and snippets of information and judgements about me came from every direction as people murmured. Elias turned and grinned at me.

'See Novalie? You will be their Queen.'

I shivered. I don't want to be their Queen. I want them locked up. We climbed onto a pile of rubble in the middle of the courtyard. On top of it was a large chunk of floor from the remains of the next level of the castle, making a kind of podium. Elias stood up there and addressed the crowd in a loud voice.

'Ladies and gentlemen of the LDSR, I come to you today to introduce my beloved sister, who has joined our cause most valiantly! Her name is Novalie Kansten, and you WILL respect her.' He stood back and gestured to me to step forwards. I did so, and the people cheered me raucously. I could see the angry passion of their cause burning in their cold, unblinking eyes. Elias murmured in my ear for me to say something. Uh oh, they want a SPEECH?

As I opened my mouth, I wondered if I would be heard above their noise, but, to my surprise, they shut up immediately. As loud as I could, I spoke to the eager listeners.

'I am Novalie Kansten, as you already know. Being new to this organisation… I don't know what you are like. I do not know how you operate… I …' I wracked my brain for things to say to them, the silence getting longer and more uncomfortable. _Quick, say something!_

'I expect to be impressed by your efforts, I do not wish to be known for being in a group of lowlife rioters. We are soldiers, in a battle to save our people, not useless idiots from the streets. Give me reason to respect you…' I inhaled deeply. I was pretty proud of that. They were still silent. I took a risk and tried to provoke a response by asking them a question. 'Are you with me?'


	28. Chapter 28 - Plans

**I know it's been three days or something since the last chapter, but who cares? It's the holidays, and I don't have a schedule in the hols.**

 **Comment what ya think! ;)**

They started looking at one another and nodding, rogue voices among the crowd yelling in agreement, before the rest joined in. Elias appeared at my side.

'Good one sis, they love you, look at them.'

'They'd better,' I replied, scanning the mob of degenerates below me. I was becoming a hero to my enemy. It's all quite surreal.

Elias told me that I was to stand beside him when he was speaking on his little podium from now on. He would do the organising and ordering, but I was welcome with my opinion. That night, back at his house, he announced our first raid on headquarters. He told me I would be behind-the-scenes so I wouldn't be recognised. He didn't want my identity revealed "just yet".

He locked me in my room that night. I guess he doesn't trust me yet. It may take a while for him to put his faith in me. He said I'd have to "prove myself". I just pray that doesn't involve something unthinkable.

I sat, hugging my knees, staring out of my bedroom window that night. What a mess I've got myself into. I shouldn't be here, playing spy. I should be fighting alongside my comrades. What have I done? An emotion hit me then, sadness. I wanted to see Levi again, even if he would turn his back on me as he's done these past weeks. He thinks I'm dead right now. I wonder what he's doing, what he's feeling? And Hanji… Eren… Erwin, even. The castle itself, where I have felt most stable in my life since I was seven. But now I've gone and done the irreversible. I'm stuck with this despicable, cold-hearted man, who is going to hurt the people I care about. I jumped up from my bed and searched in the desk draw at the other side of the room. To my relief, there was a pen and ink in there. I then began to write, to Erwin, thinking that they needed to have some kind of warning.

Putting my pen down, I re-read what I'd written.

 _Dear Erwin Smith,_

 _A group known as the LDSR are planning to attack the Scout's headquarters on the night of August the 2_ _nd_ _. Be ready, but no so that it is evident that you knew of the attack. I am under high suspicion, and the forces you are reckoning with are not only powerful, but intelligent. They are looking out for any signs of a tip-off. Some casualties may be necessary to dispel suspicion, and although_ _this is a cold decision, in the long term, it will benefit you greatly. This is, as of now, a war. Do NOT underestimate your enemy, or it will cost you dearly. Also, don't directly inform your soldiers of this, since there is an insurgent among you. I am trusting you to calculate your next move well, as this is an extremely dangerous game I am playing._

 _I cannot reveal my identity, although allow me to apologise for any hurt I cause in the near future. It is all for the greater good. Please, look after your soldiers, and win this damned war._

I wrote HQ's address on the back, and folded it over. How much freedom I was going to be allowed here, I did not know, but all I knew was I had three days to get it to them. I trusted Erwin would do something with this impossible situation that would protect me and his soldiers as much as possible. This letter was putting me at an immense risk, but not to inform them would be selfish to say the least.

I had to keep reminding myself that night that I was still on their side, that I was still a scout. Once this was all over, I could hopefully go back to the way things were.

Oh how I wanted to be drinking a cup of black tea in that dimly-lit dining hall right now.

 **LEVI**

I shivered, curling up into a tighter ball against the wall. She was gone. GONE. Novalie was dead, and there was nothing I could do. I was truly alone, I had lost the one person I could relate to. And worse, she had just found her feet, she was content in her life for once until it was all blown away. It's so damned cruel, for life to batter her around and end everything just as happiness peered through the pain. I buried my face, tears streaming shakily down my face in devastation. I sobbed aloud to my empty room, tears soaking my shirt. I ran my hands through my hair and rocked back and forth. How could I get up and face them all with the same face as I always wore tomorrow? How could I look at Eren knowing that he's the last of the Levi Squad left alive? The ones who were meant to protect him all perished under my command.

It must be me. Where I go, death reigns.

I wanted to see her, my friend, no, my BEST friend, just staring out at the horizon like she had the night she told me her life story. I wanted to hear her ask me what was wrong in the darkness of the hospital when I'd woken from something nightmarish. I wanted to feel her hug me on the day our squad died. I wanted her to become a reality again. Her passive yet wise face that saw straight through everyone… I missed it already.

But she was no goddess. She was only mortal.

My nightmares had recently turned from my past to my future, to her dying. Little did I know my nightmares would become reality. And they are a million times worse in real life.

I woke up in the early hours of the morning to find myself laying on the floor, curled in a tear-sodden ball. I dragged myself to my feet, staggering numbly over to the window. I stared out at the moonlit darkness. Everything was utterly still. I've always hated that, in the middle of the night, when everyone and everything else was asleep peacefully and I was wide awake with torment. I would sit in my chair and wonder what Novalie was doing sometimes. If sleep was completely hopeless, I'd wander around, hoping to bump into her. I always had the comfort of knowing she was awake and around, just like me.

But I will find her roaming the hallways no more.

 **NOVALIE**

I waited all night in the darkness until he unlocked the door in the morning. There were no candles in here, and so I sat on the windowsill, drinking in the cold, blue moonlight and trying to calm my uneasiness from the darkness I was plunged into. When the sun had risen and I heard a knock at the sturdy oak door I was trapped behind, I gladly answered for him to come in, having hidden my letter in my boot. I certainly didn't want him finding it.

'Good morning sister, how was your sleep?'

'I slept very well thank you,' I lied.

'Glad to hear, please, let's go and have breakfast. You won't be fed as much as you were in the scouts, but I'm sure you will manage.'

After breakfast, he walked me up to the castle in the burning sun. It was so unbearably hot that I rolled up my shirt sleeves and left my jacket behind. I didn't often show my bare arms, because they were ridden with self-inflicted scars that I was not proud of. In this heat though, I was beyond caring.

The stronghold was now empty, bathed in the morning light. It was eerily quiet and peaceful, unlike the previous night when it was filled with the riotous cries of the LDSR members and lit up in the darkness by many tiny flames. He showed me to the dungeons beneath the fort, rambling on about his grand plans for keeping prisoners there in future. I tried not to imagine the horrors he was describing to me, about his torture methods and grizzly deaths. I better be able to destroy him before it comes to that. I forced a (hopefully not too fake-looking) expression of interest. He grinned at me like an excited child.

'Isn't this going to be FUN?' He squealed.

'I'm sure it is brother,' I said patiently.

His face fell. 'Novalie, why are you so… BLANK all the time?'

I shrugged. 'I don't really feel things.'

'Jesus, why not?'

'I guess I became numb from the grief.'

'From Mother and Father?'

'And the rest,' I said gravely.

'Oh, sis, you poor soul.' He pouted sympathetically and tried to hug me, but I stepped back. His face contorted into one of anger.

What's your problem? I'm your brother goddamn it, I don't bite!' Sensing danger, I quickly turned it around.

'Sorry, I'm not used to being loved. I guess I've forgotten how to do it.'

He smiled and said, 'I love you,' and outstretched his arms. I walked into them and put mine around him tentatively. I resisted the urge to shiver as he squeezed me. It revolted me. I don't like playing these games, with sweet-talk and pretending to like someone more than you do. I either like you or I don't and I'll treat you as such. I'm not cut out for this acting and lying.


	29. Chapter 29 - The Unstoppable Executioner

**Hiiiii**

 **So the hols are over for me, so this will be the last chapter I upload before we go back to Thursday updates.**

 **:)**

 **You know what I really love about writing? Making the reader EMOTIONAL. If anything in this fic makes you emotional, tell me! Comment your thoughts**

 **Thanks guys**

 **LEVI**

I froze in the hallway. A pair of scouts were carrying boxes from Novalie's room. Oh no, they're getting rid of it all. Erwin stood watching, his arms folded. I walked up beside him in a daze of disbelief, despite this being protocol and quite a normal sight. He looked down at me.

'How are you faring Levi?'

I stared at him icily, I was well aware that I didn't need to say a word to answer him. The bags under my eyes were deeper than ever and I looked weary and rugged … And dejected. Erwin frowned deeply.

'All she put in her will was, "dispose of all my belongings in the event of my death",' he sighed. 'She never mentioned any family she wanted it to go to.'

'She has none,' I said in an empty voice.

'None at all?'

'No.'

'She was a brilliant soldier, and a rather strange woman too. She just carried on no matter what she was put through, to an extreme, I'd say, and I never failed to notice what she did for you, Levi. I daresay she was a trusty companion and I shall miss having her in my ranks.'

'Mm,' I mumbled, not wanting to hear what he had to say. I witnessed her uniform being carted out, along with her books and various other items.

I traipsed into her room. It looked so empty now… A hollow shell for someone else to move into. None of her books were piled upon her desk and her wardrobe was open and empty. The bedsheets had been stripped, the medicine cabinet was void of anything, and as I opened the draws of her desk, I found an envelope, sealed with the Wings of Freedom. I unfolded it and scanned across the page, recognising the writing as my own. It was the letter I'd sent to invite her to join our branch - she had kept it. I was looking for one more person to join Special Operations at that time, and wondered if there was anyone from the Eastern branch that I could employ. Upon sending them a letter, they replied, telling me they had recently had to discharge a scout due to "extreme emotional instability", but she was the best they had ever had. When I asked them her name, they said that they never had it on paper officially, but everyone called her Kamoku. I was intrigued by this woman, and inquired with the mental rehabilitation unit she was in. They said her name was Kamoku Kansten, and she had been diagnosed with a condition that had last been seen in a patient forty years prior. They did not have a name for it, but they described her as having " _a lack of any emotional expression or activity within the brain. She remains intelligent and sound of mind elsewhere, but does not respond emotionally to any stimuli given, not even those with a triggering nature to her_ ". I knew then that she could do the job, a brilliant soldier, and hardy to tragedy. I remember standing upon the hill at the gate and meeting her for the first time. I was surprised at her lack of height, her scar, her analytic gaze, and the little wooden spoon that was hanging from her harness. Apart from jumping out of her skin all the time, she lived up to her expectation of being emotionless, but one thing shocked me. She wasn't the mindless zombie the hospital had portrayed her as, she was empathetic, _human-like_ , and above all, thoughtful and perceptive, accepting everyone for who they were. Including me. I've seen people judge me – they see me as grumpy, scary, unapproachable, callous, you name it, all based on the expression on my face. She saw that face, and pushed it away in her mind, dismissing it and looking deeper. She understands how I work, probably because our lives and minds are… _were_ … freakishly similar.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and one of the scouts that were clearing the room tentatively told me they were locking it up. Trying not to look at my surroundings, I marched out, clenching my fists as I left to stop myself from cracking.

 **NOVALIE**

I sat at the desk in my room, running my hand along the engravings on the wooden teaspoon I was holding. It was small and made of oak, with leaves carved into it all the way up. Once upon a time, seven-year-old me only ate with this spoon. It was the one thing I had from my adopted parents' house. Their names were Joanne and Gideon, and I loved them, but never told them. I hope they knew…

Suddenly, the door burst open and my brother came swanning in.

'Hello dearie! Time to go over the grand plans of our first massacre together!'

MASSACRE? He said it was a raid, as in, stealing things. Not a MASSACRE! Oh shit, OK, act calm, don't freak.

Fear welled up inside me, dread drowning every other rational thought in my head. _OK, think, what could you say to earn you some brownie points here?_

'Massacre huh? That sounds more like it,' I nodded in "approval", screaming silently.

He raised his eyebrows at me. 'Gosh, you aren't just a blank face, you really are cold-hearted!' _Oh, please go ahead and believe that._

I shrugged. 'I never felt any love for them. It was merely an institution I belonged to.'

'What happened to "I'm not betraying them"?'

I thought on my feet. Me saying that was a setback from the start. 'I wasn't betraying them because they fed me well. But my life was the price of it, and I never respected that aspect.' I hope to god I'm a good liar, because that's what I'll be doing for the foreseeable future.

He grinned and pulled out a large piece of paper, flattening it out on the desk. On it was an aerial outline of the castle grounds, and it had scribblings all over it.

'OK,' he said. 'So, there are 162 of us in total. That's not including you and I. Now, that lot will all scale the wall around the back of the castle using several ladders. Ten of them will stay behind at the wall, and the 152 that are left will proceed to enter the castle through the back door, which Jonathon will make sure is open to us. They will be armed with muskets. You won't be though, that's not important for your part.'

I breathed a sigh of relief under my breath.

'Now, we aren't aiming to take hostages, so it will be kill on sight. Upon entering, teams of 38 will be sent to each of the five floors, shooting anyone that appears. That leaves two people, who will guard the storage room in case anyone tries to get any weapons. That is wave one, and will last three minutes. You will stand on top of the castle wall and time it, sounding a sonic flare at the end of it. Now, wave two. I have calculated that after three minutes a large rush of scouts will begin to flood the storage room – more than our two guards can handle. So, at that point, 8 soldiers from each floor will rush down to stop the influx of scouts from getting into the storage area. It is CRUCIAL that they don't get weapons. That is wave two, which will last five minutes. Now, the third and final wave. In wave three, ten of each from the remaining soldiers in the castle will rush down to the courtyard and wreak havoc there. That also lasts five minutes, and after that five minutes is up, sound the flare, and five of those that waited by the wall will run around to the gate, open it, and help get them out. Well, half of them. The other half will run to the back gate and the five still there will help them all over.' He sat back, proud of himself. 'Everyone knows what they are doing and where they are going, and all you have to do is sound the flares. I will be down the hill, waiting for them to return and clocking the losses we have suffered. I don't doubt there will be some.'

I nodded slowly. There was no escaping, the plan was lethal, and genius. Images of Grace being shot and Levi being gunned down entered my head, and I tried with all my might not to grimace. This was terrifying. I knew it was going to happen, and yet, I could do nothing about it. I couldn't just kill Elias, he was extremely suspicious of me and didn't let me near anything I could harm him with. I had to get that letter to Erwin, quickly.

'These plans… They are brilliant, utterly genius. How many do you think we will kill?' I asked, trying to sound interested.

'Ooh, I daresay we might kill half of them! That would be the dream. Now, I am entrusting you, sister, with the most important part. If you fail us, then all of this, what we have been training for all this time, will go to waste, and you will suffer SEVERE consequences. If you do not sound the flares, there will be ten gunmen below you that will gladly take you out. Got that?'

I nodded. 'I won't let you down.' Manipulative bastard, he doesn't love me like he's always claiming. If I'm not willing to play his little game then he'll just dispose of me. Well Elias, I would gladly do the same to you, so at least our feelings for each other are mutual.

'Good. We meet tonight at the Fort, however you needn't come since it's all just a pep talk. You will stay here, in your room. In fact, I'd better get going. Goodnight Novalie.'

'Night.'

He locked the door behind him.

Shit. This is crazy.

I sat there in shock, then heard a click and Elias popped his head around the door again.

'Oh, and we've moved the date to tomorrow.' He winked at me and locked me in once more.

SHIT.

As soon as his footsteps receded, I unfolded the letter hurriedly and scribbled out the date, replacing it with tomorrow's. I bet he did this on purpose, to throw me in case I tried anything. I opened the window. There was no way I was able to get down there. But… Tonight would be my only hope. It would be the last time I could post something before it was collected early in the morning. I judged the steepness of the roof - it was VERY steep, slanting away from me sharply and ending in a sheer drop that would surely break bones. I straddled the windowsill and gingerly put my foot on the tiles. Then, hanging onto the top of the window, which had slid upwards to open, I swung my other leg over, sliding as soon as I put weight on them. I gasped, losing my footing, and hanging by my arms, which gripped the bottom of the window desperately. The only problem was, since the window slid up, it also slid down, and it came crashing down on my hands from my body weight. I grimaced and gritted my teeth as it slammed my fingers between the frame and the window ledge.

Now I was hanging off a roof with my hands trapped and being crushed by my bodyweight. Great job Novalie.

I could feel my fingers slipping. I scrambled upwards with my feet, trying to find my footing. It was hella slippery, but I managed to hold on thanks to the Survey Corps wonderful non-slip boots. Shunting myself up, I perched on the edge of the sill, lifting the window up to free my hands. Then I climbed back inside, defeated.

There really was no way out.


	30. Chapter 30 - Helpless Helper

**oh shit. Dis chapter... :(**

 **Comment your thoughts, and a special thanks to Purplepiepie, who has reviewed since the beginning, thank you so much!**

I rocked back and forth in my room, staring at the wall in a daze of emptiness. I'd just begun to get my feelings back, but right now, while I was awaiting the death of many scouts, including maybe some of the ones I was close to, I felt nothing. I could've been worried sick, angry, dismayed, but no, I got the worst feeling:

Nothing.

Where did those feelings go?

Can't I feel ANYTHING for them?

What if Erwin dies?

Hanji?

Grace?

Levi…?

My breath hitched suddenly, and I pang of dread hit me. Ah, a feeling. Horrible as it was, it was almost a relief from the monotony of being so hollow. I was in a horrible situation, either I sit here and be tortured by the emptiness, or I force myself to imagine the worst and almost throw up in worry.

This is going to be a long night.

 **15:43 August 1** **st**

All day the next day we were up at the Fort for last minute rehearsals and preparations. I just sat there, staring up at the sky. It was so blue, not a cloud was in sight. It was truly the most beautiful of days – and to be one of the darkest. How can such a picturesque day bring such pain?

 **23:59**

Night fell, but the sky's magnificence endured. The stars glittered like twinkling dust on a black canvas. It was breath-taking. The moon was full and glowed a silvery light upon the castle. I stood upon the wall of HQ, trying to keep bile from rising in my throat and forcing its way out of my mouth. I'd rather re-live every death in my life than aid this atrocity. But, I brought it upon myself, I joined my despicable brother in his destructive deeds. Maybe, just MAYBE, it'll pay off, and he will go down along with his army of savages.

The ten LDSR members beneath me schemed and whispered in the humid night about their plans while I watched the other 152 run towards the castle. No scout was in sight around the back of the castle. Somewhere in there… Is Levi, and Hanji, and Erwin, and Grace… My heart thundered like an erratic drum. _Please live, please live, please live._

I held my breath, grimacing as I heard gunshots and screams.

Does this make me a murderer? Am I as bad as them now? It was for the greater good, but…

Who am I even to judge what is for the greater good? We could have defeated them without my intervention, I bet.

No, this isn't the time to regret your life choices Novalie, remember what Levi said.

 _"No one can foretell the outcome, the only thing we're allowed to do is believe we won't regret the choices we make."_ You have made this choice, bloody stick to it.

I kept an eye on my pocket watch, shifting from foot to foot. I was wearing a black cloak as well tonight, the hood up in case anyone should see me and recognise me. That's it, three minutes. Wave one is over. Trying to ignore the shouts of terror and chaos in the distance, I pointed the loaded sonic flare into the sky and pulled the trigger. My ears exploded with sound and I clutched them in agony. Too… loud… My ears stopped ringing after about two minutes. The ten people below me all asked me to warn them next time I was going to set one off. I probably made them jump out of their skins and temporarily lose their hearing as well.

I was listening in to their conversations. They were jumping up and down like excited kids, almost in tears with joy that their time to shine has finally come.

This is too messed up for adequate explanation.

 **LEVI**

I bolted down the corridor to the storage room, my dagger in my pocket in case I ran into anyone. Who had set off the flare? What was the point in that? Everyone is fucking dying, it isn't time to be deafening us all! I skidded around the corner, coming face to face with the storage room door. About thirty of the attackers were guarding it with their guns, a pile of bodies lay bleeding in front of them. They snapped their attention to me and pointed their muskets my way. I dived back around the corner as bullets ricocheted off the walls. I froze, were they going to chase me? Well, I'm not sticking around to find out. There is no way I'd be able to get to the storage room on my own. All I had was a knife. I ran into the courtyard, scouts flocked there in terror, many in night clothes. They were sobbing and banding together in little groups, discussing where to run to.

I heard a shrill cry, and a young woman came bursting through the door, blood seeping through her fingers as she clutched her stomach. She fell to the ground, and I stared at her helplessly as she writhed around on the ground, retching blood. She saw the amount of blood saturating her hands and screamed, tears cascading down her face. She noticed me staring at her in shock, and reached a hand out to me from on the ground.

'P- please… Help… me…' Her blood mixed with tears. I shook my head dumbly.

I couldn't respond.

Her face was dismayed as her eyes glassed over and her body went limp. I tore my gaze away, people had begun running off to the field to hide.

The gate was closed, how did these people get in? Maybe they climbed the wall? I peered around the castle corner, spotting a group of them huddled below the wall about 200 yards away from me. On top of the wall was a cloaked figure. I squinted in the darkness, was that their leader? The figure glanced down at something and then thrust their arm in the air. Another sonic boom sounded. The figure winced, covering their ears. So THEY had the flares, I bet that was their communication strategy. To get to flare though, they must have access to the scouts' storage. I heard a chorus of screams behind me, and a load of gunmen flooded into the courtyard. Everyone ran as the bullets lodged into anything and everything in sight. I sprinted towards the stables, grabbing a cowering woman by the shoulders and dragging her behind the stable. She peered up at me through her fingers. It was the nurse that had looked after Novalie when she had a concussion – Grace, I think her name was.

'Oh, Captain Levi, it is you, thank you so much,' tears streamed down her face. 'What is going on? Who are these people, and where is Kamoku, is she OK?' I flinched at the sound of someone mentioning her. Wait, she didn't know?

'Didn't you hear?' I said hollowly. A scream filled our ears right by us. I grabbed Grace's wrist and pulled her away, bolting towards the training field faster than Grace's legs could carry her.

'H- hear what?' She yelled over the havoc as we ran.

'She's gone,' I said coldly. I didn't want to think about what I was saying too much.

'Gone where?' Grace asked innocently once we were hidden behind a tree near the field. I scowled at her, making her recoil slightly.

'To Heaven, Hell, whatever you believe in. Stay here.' I ran off back to the chaos to see if I could take down at least one of these bastards and get a gun. If I can take out the one on the wall, that might throw them off. I shrunk behind the well, pouncing on a passing gunman and twisting the gun out of his hands before kicking him to the floor. I bolted up the stairs, running into someone's room and shoving the butt of the gun into the window, smashing it. I leant my arm against the windowsill and poked the barrel and my upper body through the broken window, lining it up with the figure who was slightly further along the wall.

I pulled the trigger.

I missed, but I could tell I was close, because the person on the wall ducked, looking around frantically. I aimed again, and noticed the gunmen below the wall were beckoning to them. They jumped off the wall as I fired again, landing nimbly on their feet and going into a crouch to take the impact. They crowded around the cloaked person, protecting them. Suddenly I heard a shout and one pointed to the window I was poking out of. As their guns trained on me, I wriggled back in, defeated. Another sonic boom sounded and the bullets in the distance stopped. When I dared peer out again, half of the gunmen had gone, all suddenly bolted like startled deer towards the courtyard. Upon hearing the gate groaning loudly as it opened from far off in the courtyard, I gave up and ran back outside. The assailants were running through the gate, which was now open, and ignoring everyone that was still alive. I gritted my teeth in anger and aimed my gun, sprinting after a woman. I pulled the trigger, hitting her in the back of the head and sending her cascading to the ground. I aimed again at another one, but tripped over something and lurched, falling face first into the stone of the courtyard. I realised it was a body I had tripped over when I hauled myself up. The anger drained from me along with all the blood from my head as I saw the carnage, the sea of dead scouts all murdered in cold blood by these mystery attackers. I staggered a step, for once being glad Novalie wasn't here. I felt tears of anguish and pure, raw rage stream down my face, and as the rest of the survivors crawled out of their hiding places to take in the aftermath. I pulled myself together quickly, skulking off to put my expressionless face on once more and then reappearing to take Erwin's orders.

 **NOVALIE**

I tried desperately to stop my hands from shaking as I climbed back up the wall and hopped off the other side to meet back up with my brother. The LDSR had hardly lost anyone. Only eight were missing. Damn, that went so well. Why does Elias have to be so effing good at planning? There was not one flaw in that whole sequence of events, apart from someone trying to shoot me. He slapped me on the back and applauded me for my "impeccable" effort, and grinned like a happy maniac when we got back to his house.

'Oh _Novalie_ ,' he drawled. 'Tonight I lived the DREAM! We killed so many! The news will give us a report on the amount dead tomorrow, oh it's SO EXCITING, I can barely contain myself!' He jumped up and down in joy. I sat there quietly, gulping at his sadistic pleasure in what he'd done. He stopped suddenly, glaring at me.

'Hey, aren't you HAPPY? Put a damn face on you emotionless ZOMBIE!' He lashed out at me, throwing a fist my way. Woah, he's two-faced! I blocked it, stepping to the side and grabbing his arm. He tripped me up, causing me to stumble, and pulled himself free, standing in a ready stance much like Levi's.

'I am happy brother, do not hit me. You love me, don't you?' I looked up at him with big eyes. He relaxed, hooking his thumbs into his belt.

'Course I do sis, I just need you to show some appreciation.'

'I'm sorry Elias, I'm just overwhelmed and tired. I'm going to sleep, we can celebrate in the morning.'

He wilted a little in disappointment and sulkily locked me in. I burrowed deep under my blanket, breathed heavily into my pillow, and tried fruitlessly to stop trembling.

I just helped a man massacre the scouts.


	31. Chapter 31 - A Sickening Celebration

**Hullo everyone. New chapter! Pls comment your thoughts :)))))))))))))))))))))))) HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

 **Soz, I'm mad :)**

The following day, although I was delirious with torment, I put on my blank face, even a slightly happy one, to please my brother. We walked down to Fort Trinch and I was told to give a victory speech to the crowd of cheering murderers in front of me. I took a risk and tried a great big grin. It felt totally unnatural and pained me to put on, but I must have succeeded in convincing them, because there was an uproar of cheers. I felt Elias' breath on my ear as he murmured into it. 'You do the honours sis, tell them the death count.'

I cleared my throat. 'Your performance last night was absolutely…' I paused. They looked up at me with big eyes, hoping to impress their new co-leader. '…Astounding.' They clamoured in joy. 'Now, I can reveal, the death count was…'

I gulped. There were 121 scouts until last night…

'f- fifty-five.'

An ear-splitting cheer arose, they all hugged each other and chanted "LDSR" over and over _. Shut up, please, shut up_. I felt dizzy. God, I might pass out. The world tipped up, and I instinctively grabbed on to the nearest thing, which unfortunately happened to be Elias' arm.

'Sis?'

'I feel a bit… dizzy brother… I think it's the… amazement of it all…' I was close to passing out from sheer grief, but STILL I had to act like the mass murderer the one hundred and fifty-three people here wanted me to be.

He laughed and held me up. 'Is this life to your expectations?'

'Elias…' I breathed. 'We are going to be rich… And… we are going to give our family… justice… Oh Elias, why did I join the scouts? That was so stupid, so wrong for me. I belong here.'

He smiled at me. 'You will belong here if you can _pull yourself together_.' His tone was sharp all of a sudden. I blinked and forced myself to stand on my own.

'I'm sorry, I will. It's all so new.'

'Yes, I have no doubt you will.' He lowered his voice as the crowd started to quieten. 'You will be put through severe tests Novalie, I will make sure you are trustworthy…' My breath hitched, and my voice left me, so I just nodded dumbly. He wasn't fooling for it… I was going to have to try harder.

 **LEVI**

The halls were empty, and when one did come across someone, anyone, they had a shadow of fear and gloom hanging over them. Even Four-Eyes was quiet. Time simply stopped, no one moved, no one breathed, everything was still and silent. You couldn't speak to anyone, not even nod to them in the hallways. I hollowly gave out my orders to the new Scouts, who I was taking care of. Apparently, none of the 104th had died, and of course Jaeger was stuck in the basement the whole time, hearing the screams and chaos. He was pretty broken after it, his sister just clung to him all the time while he floated around like the rest of us.

No one knew what to do with themselves.

Eventually, I pulled myself together, and kept myself busy to avoid the agonising pain that pounced on me whenever I had a spare moment. It was like a monster, whispering _She's gone, she's gone, she's gone. They are all gone._ It was driving me mad.

In a vain attempt to pretend it wasn't there, I worked with Erwin to try and uncover our enemy. We came to the conclusion that this was not the same people that had attacked us last Christmas. These people were a lot more intelligent, and frankly, we were quite out of our depth. I sat opposite Erwin at his desk, my temple resting on my hand. I stared at the papers in front of him containing our only information on the enemy. They blurred in front of me.

'Levi?'

'Hm?' I snapped my head up wearily.

'Go to bed, you are exhausted.'

'No, I'm fine, I was just thinking,' I insisted.

'Look, I know you probably can't sleep well after all this and Kam-'

'I don't need you keeping tabs on my damn health!' I hissed, refusing to hear him say her name. I slammed a fist on the table. I just… exploded, the pent-up rage from the injustice of the massacre all boiling over. Erwin looked at me in surprise.

'Go Levi. We've done enough for today.'

But I wasn't having it. This work is the only thing keeping me on Earth right now - _I need it_.

'No, we haven't, half our men just got murdered, we have NOT done enough!' I jumped up from my seat.

'Levi please, calm down.'

'DON'T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!' I yelled, my clenched fists shaking. I won't, I CAN'T, calm down. My heart started thudding, a sweat breaking out on my forehead.

Oh shit, I can't calm down. I've lost it.

'You need to stop, this is ridiculous,' Erwin scolded. I stopped, going silent as my body went into overdrive. Panic flooded through me, and I had no idea why. I stared at him, frozen with shock as my throat tightened. I was failing to control my own breathing.

'Levi, what is it?' The commander stood too, raising an eyebrow. His face blurred. I swallowed hard. Am I having a heart attack? God, it feels like it. The panic started ebbing slowly, and I gritted my teeth, swivelling on my heel and marching out of his office.

 **NOVALIE**

'Ladies and Gentlemen, one great battle is not enough to win a war, and now our enemy is going to fight back. Surprise is no longer a tactic we can use, as I am informed by Johnathon that the scouts are now required to carry their swords wherever they go and there are guards stationed at the wall. We need a stronger, BETTER plan, and this time, we are going to have some fun with it. We are going to take our first hostages!' The crowd clamoured excitedly. My stomach twisted into knots. Maybe now is the time to inform the military police of Elias' hiding place? Mind you, Elias doesn't let me out of his sight. I wouldn't be able to if I tried.

He declared that he would come up with a plan, and that they I would train his "army" while he did so.

He sat all day at a wooden table that was situated on his "stage" in the courtyard of Fort Trinch while I trained his delinquents below him. I taught them what I knew, getting them into partners and teaching them hand-to-hand combat techniques. I tried not to think about the fact that I was teaching criminals ways to better themselves at attacking the people I cared about as I did so, and hoped that this was all Elias meant by "proving myself". I didn't want to imagine that it could get any worse than this. Afterwards, when they were all filing out to go back home, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around; a small child beamed at me. She must have been about 12. Well, I say small, she was my height. Not that that is hard to achieve…

'Hi, Miss Novalie, thank you for teaching us today. I can do punches much better now, look!'

She stepped back and thrust her fist forwards into the air.

'See, I can knock a scout's TEETH out with that one.'

I gulped and nodded awkwardly at her. 'Good punch kid, what's your name?'

'Elise,' she told me.

'Why'd you join?'

'My parents brought me into it, they have always hated the taxes they pay on the Scouts and so do I!'

'Well, um, run along now, keep... Practising.' I muttered, turning away from her. This kid has been BRAINWASHED by her parents, becoming their little murderer.

I sat opposite Elias back at his house as he jabbered on about his grand future plans of fame and heroism. When he finally stopped and there was a silence. I said, 'Elias, what's the minimum age for joining the LDSR?'

I saw his head snap up and look at me out of my periphery as I stared at the table. 'Well, there isn't one, why?'

'There was… A little girl there today… You aren't going to send her fighting, are you?'

He scoffed. 'Well, of course I am, we need as many fighters as we can get.'

'But I mean, she's bound to get hurt, and there are many more of us than there are scouts.'

'She's a soldier, she signed up for this,' He snapped coldly. I opened my mouth to say that actually, she didn't, but I thought better of it and kept my mouth closed.

'Anyway sis, we need to go over the plans…' He grinned as I met his gaze.


	32. Chapter 32 - Ruthless Shadows

He finished speaking, and I spent about a minute mustering up the courage to open my mouth without SCREAMING. I clenched my fists hard and hid them behind my back because they were trembling so violently. I gulped and smiled at him. I could tell the smile wasn't working, because he frowned and asked me if anything was wrong.

'I- it's just very risky…' I said lamely.

To my relief, he grinned. 'Ah, I do love an element of risk. Don't worry Novalie, all will go well.'

I nodded. 'Don't get me wrong though, it is an amazing plan Elias.'

'Why thank you. Oh, and I haven't told you where YOU come in yet, have I?'

I didn't want to know. This was killing me. My heart was thumping and blood whooshed around my ears like a fast-flowing river. I half expected the blood to come bursting out of me, but the only wound was in my mind.

Johnathon was going to sneak out scout uniforms over time slowly for some of us, and we were going to go in disguised, armed with injections filled with a tranquilizer that we'd use to knock out the hostages and carry them out under gauze as if they were just dead bodies. As for how we were going to get in? The sewers were purposefully built wide enough for people to fit, since when the castle was in operation as a castle, it was a way for the residents to escape in the event of an attack. According to Elias, most castles have some kind of system like this, and thanks to Johnathon, he knew that the HQ's one ran up into the basement. Where Eren was.

I hoped to god that they wouldn't treat Eren as a witness and hurt him. He was only a kid, and humanity NEEDS him.

And then there was the worst part. The hostages. Elias wanted to take out the leaders, Erwin, Mike, Hanji… And Levi…

God, I swear if he TOUCHES Levi I will not be emotionless anymore.

'Novalie, you are going to capture Levi.'

I snapped back into focus, letting this sink in. He wants ME to capture Levi?!

SHIT.

Well… At least I can do so gently I suppose.

GENTLY? Don't be stupid Novalie, how can you kidnap someone GENTLY? Oh, I don't want to see his face… The betrayal… The last memory I have of him is him ignoring me, telling me to go away, and the last memory he has of me is my dead body. And then I appear alive, I knock him out, and drag him to my evil brother.

This is a nightmare.

'Wow, um, OK…' I said, surprisingly steadily.

'You will be trained rigorously of course, don't worry. It will take us about six months to prepare, and hopefully by then they may have taken their guard down a little.'

 **LEVI**

'C- Captain Levi?' I heard a meek female voice say my name. I looked about me, my eyes landing on Grace's wide, sad-looking ones. She looked like she had been crying.

'Yeah?' I asked flatly.

'How did… How did Kamoku die? I'm sorry, I just kind of want to know… Was it those people that attacked us?'

'I don't know how she died.' I told her bluntly. She continued to stare at me. She wants more detail.

I sighed.

'We were on an expedition, I lost her, next thing I knew, I was looking at her body.'

Grace opened her mouth a little in exclamation, and took in a sharp breath. 'W- was it a titan?'

'Must have been.'

'Oh no…' She started crying again. I stared at her blankly. I hate it when people cry, what the hell am I supposed to do? I turned away from her lest I joined in, keeping my eye on the cadets that I was training. The sun was so damn bright out on the field, but there was no warmth in it.

'She isn't suffering anymore…' I murmured, more to myself than to anyone else.

'Suffering…?' Grace asked quietly from behind me.

'She wasn't exactly a happy person, was she?'

'No but… She wasn't a sad person either. She was right in between, like being kind of neutral about life…' Grace pondered.

She was right, Novalie wasn't a SAD person. Although she said being empty was torture, it seemed like she was sort of blissfully neutral and unattached to life's turbulence. Nothing like anyone I've ever met before.

'Mmm…' I replied, trying to push her image out of my head. I shifted my cloak up onto my shoulder more.

'Oh, your knuckles!' Grace exclaimed. I stretched my hand out in front of me. They were all scabbed over from where I'd cut them.

I shrugged.

'What happened?'

'Nothing much…'

'It doesn't look like it,' she squeaked, coming closer to look at them. I folded my arms in an attempt to make her give up.

'Please let me see.'

'I'm fine.'

He shoulders sagged. 'OK, but look after yourself. Kamoku would have wanted you to.'

She wrapped her shawl around her tighter and skulked off. I stared after her _._

 _Kamoku would have wanted you to._

'Levi?'

'What?'

'You seem to be staring into space a lot at the moment. What are you thinking about?'

I made eye contact with Dr Nowak wearily. I really didn't want to be here right now with this probing woman.

'Stuff…'

'Stuff? Like what?'

'Well what do you think?' I snapped.

'I don't know. Why don't you tell me?'

I shook my head. She gave in and changed the subject.

'What happened to your hands?'

Oh, for god's sake. Not ANOTHER one asking. I can't exactly bandage them either, that would bring more attention to them.

'Just… combat practice…'

'Don't you wear gloves?'

'I couldn't be bothered.'

She looked at me sceptically. Her dark brown eyes were cold, professional.

'Is that REALLY what happened?'

'Why wouldn't it be?'

'Well, I the second stage of grief is anger, so did you punch something?'

Damn, she got me.

It had been late at night, it was silent, and no one was around. I'd walked around aimlessly, getting more and more agitated. I had stopped to stare at the mirror in the hallway, and remembered the evening that Novalie was struggling to tie her own bandage around her arm.

I had gone over to help her because it was annoying me to see her fail. Still, she was totally calm-looking as she tried again and again. I remember flicking my eyes up to the mirror as I wound it. Her eyes were on me. She was looking at me oddly. It was the kind of expression that said, _"Why are you helping me…?"_.

I had stared into that same mirror on that lonely night, and the next thing I knew, something in me snapped, and I was punching it. Punching the glass where my face was so it looked disfigured in the warped shards, punching it so that my reflection flaked away as the glass fell. I slowly saw less and less of myself as the cracks grew, until I was a blur of colour and blood cascaded from my mutilated knuckles. I didn't feel it. There was no pain. I could have slit my own throat and I wouldn't have felt it that night.

No one ever found out. I calmed down, cleaned the blood off of the floor, and got rid of the mirror. The only thing people said was "I swear there was a mirror here before…"

'Levi, are you with me?'

I had spaced out again. 'Yeah, I am.'

'So, was that anger?' She nodded at my knuckles. I curled them in my lap and shrugged. 'I guess.'

She nodded and wrote something down. Someone knocked at her door.

'Oh, excuse me Levi.' She got up to answer it. Erwin stood in the doorway and muttered something to her. His eyes drifted over to me.

'Oh, apologies Doctor, I didn't realise you were in session.'

'In session,' I sneered. I'll give him bloody "in session"! I stood up, sidling past them out of the room and ignoring the doctor's protests. This is my chance to escape. Erwin entered, and they pulled the door to. I was on my way outta there until I heard the word "Kamoku" pop up. Something stopped me, and I approached the door, listening in.

'Yes, I will certainly give you those Erwin.'

'Thank you, I wouldn't normally ask, but she was a special case and her doctors in the East were quite curious.'

'Yes, I jumped for joy at her medical report. I will miss working with her, she was so FASCINATING.'

I growled under my breath. She wasn't some SPECIMEN.

'Indeed, she was rather different.'

'And, I am not supposed to think this of a patient, but I believe I truly found someone that is broken beyond compare,' the Doctor drawled.

'You think? I beg to differ,' Erwin said.

'You do?'

'Yes, she was still compassionate and giving in my experience.'

'Whatever Erwin, she was a robot that did a job from what I saw.' As soon as those words left her mouth, my feet kicked into gear and I burst through the door, snarling at her. Both of them jumped out of their skins, and, with only FURY in mind, I jumped at her, grabbing her forcefully by the shoulders.

'YOU TAKE THAT BACK! YOU DIDN'T KNOW HER, YOU BASTARD!'

I could feel Erwin pull me off of her, and I could've fought him off, but a part of me refused. I went limp, glaring at her as Erwin pulled me outside.

'Levi, what on EARTH do you think you are doing?!' He scolded. I stood there, shaking with rage.

'What do you THINK? She was downright INSULTED by that bitc- _.'_

'What has got into you recently? You are out of control!' His scowl deepened.

'Nothing has "got into me", _leave me alone_.' I hissed, turning my heel and walking off.

'My office, tonight,' he called after me.

 **NOVALIE**

 _We, the breaking,_

 _Feel our warmth leave us,_

 _Feel our souls deaden._

 _We, the shining, dim like a setting sun,_

 _Like a fading light._

 _We are swallowed up in shadow._

 _We, the separated,_

 _Dream of the sound of life,_

 _A cure to the man-eating silence._

 _We, the fearful,_

 _Shrink back in terror,_

 _Driven into the corner._

 _We, the betrayers,_

 _Fracture hearts upon one look,_

 _Upon a single deed._

 _We, the demons,_

 _Pray on the cold ones,_

 _The lone ones._

 _Pounce on the dimmed, the breaking,_

 _The fearful._

 _Extinguished._


	33. Chapter 33 - Sweet Dreams

**_Hey guys! I kinda like this italic thing. It's all ssssslaaaaaaaaantttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd._**

 ** _Anywho, here is a new chapter for ya, I hope you enjoy it! I changed a couple details from the last chapter, the most important one being they are going to use injections rather than darts now. I have updated chapter 32 accordingly._**

 ** _Please feel free to comment your_** ** _thoughts!_**

 _SIX MONTHS LATER_

I crept up to him, throwing an arm around his neck and pulling him towards me. He instinctively struggled, and I stabbed him in the neck with what would have been a tranquillizer injection. He went limp and I dropped him. My brother, who was watching from behind, applauded me.

'Good job Novalie, I think you are ready.' I stared down at the man, who stood up and brushed himself down. It was the last drill before the real thing. I had been practising my part religiously over the last six months so I would successfully knock out Levi.

Elias told me that even though Levi's combat skills are superior to mine, I would be able to catch him off-guard. Besides, he wouldn't want to hurt me, and would be in shock that I was alive anyway.

Oh no, it's next week.

I'm not ready for this.

I'm guessing I am going to "prove myself". This had better be enough to earn me the freedom to contact the military police shut the LDSR down, or I don't know WHAT is gonna happen to the hostages. Or what he is going to make me do…

 **LEVI**

I sat at the dining room table, sipping black tea. I stared down at my cup. This is the cup she used the most. She liked this one… Really liked it…

'Isn't that right, Levi?!' I glanced up. Four-Eyes was staring right at me eagerly, and by now, the rest of the table was too.

'Whatever…' I muttered. I hadn't been listening to her conversation – I actually enjoy being sane. Armin was frowning at me thoughtfully.

'You got a problem Armin?' I asked him.

'You haven't eaten much today Captain,' the kid squeaked.

'So what?' I retorted. Jesus, he wouldn't be the first to notice the little things about me that appeared to concern everyone. Yeah, my appetite has shrunk today, why does it concern this brat?

'Well, you need to eat to stay strong,' he said meekly.

'I am strong enough Artlet, don't you worry…' I said in an ever-so-slightly patronising tone. He went quiet.

Hanji gasped all of a sudden, startling the people around her. 'Oh, today's the anniversary!'

'Of what?' Eren prompted.

'Of- of Kamoku, she joined us on January 5th the year before last!'

The table fell silent, their faces sombre. They all seemed to look for my reaction, too.

The atmosphere was unbearable, and so I broke the silence by standing up, my chair grinding against the floor as I pushed it back. I took my barely touched plate into the kitchen.

 _Clever work Shitty Glasses, I'm surprised you remember_. She does have a freakish memory sometimes though. I had found a letter a few days ago, in my desk draw up in my office while I was clearing out. It was Novalie's reply to my request of joining my squad. One part of that letter remains imprinted onto my mind.

 _I very much look forward to working with you Captain, I shall arrive at noon on January fifth._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Kamoku Kansten_

It has been two years since I met her, and six months since I lost her. I thought breaking away from her would ease the pain in the event of losing her, and when it happened, it only made things worse. I am stupid. I could not simply "break away" from someone like that.

Still, I have suffered enough deaths in my lifetime to be able to deal with another, I should be capable of getting over her in time. I _should_ …

Her death was so irritatingly mysterious and sudden though. So POINTLESS. She just… _disappeared._ I'll never know what happened. That ANNOYS me so damn much.

 **NOVALIE**

 _ONE WEEK LATER_

I looked at myself in the mirror. Back in my scout uniform. It felt comfortingly familiar, despite the reason behind me wearing it. I was told to keep my head down whilst on the mission, lest I was recognised by anyone I passed. I was going to wear my cloak, with the hood up. I missed the castle so much, and not just that, but the people in it, all the characters and their antics and the atmosphere. Sometimes the atmosphere was pretty heavy, filled with grief and despondency, but the rest of the time, the scouts could be some high-spirited people. I could never feel happy around them all, but I liked it nonetheless.

I wonder what the atmosphere is like now? Have they gotten back to their cheerful, determined selves or are they still mourning the other half of the scouts? And what is Levi doing? He'll be in his room, no doubt. It is already almost eleven o'clock at night.

'Sis, time to go,' Elias chimed happily. I joined him at the front door. He was wearing a black cloak over his regular clothes. He was not doing the dirty work himself, of course. We climbed onto a horse and cart along with a few other "scouts". Elias had chosen only the elite soldiers for this mission, and as few as possible, as not to raise too much suspicion amongst the scouts when they saw unfamiliar faces around. The entire way there, I sat dead still, not daring move in case my body defied my mind and I jumped out and bolted. I was completely rigid in my seat, every muscle in my body tense, save for my heart, which was thumping erratically. Elias was too excited to notice any apparent distress thankfully, and so I was left alone for the journey. When we got off at our stop, in the little local town where Grace's family lived, I jumped out, my feet feeling like lead under me. Shadowing my brother, we trooped through the streets, past the shop I had brought Levi a broom from, past the pub, all the way to the other end of town and the bottom of the hill that led up to the castle.

'Now,' Elias began, 'Somewhere around the bottom of this hill is a drainage point. You lot need to get down it, and into the castle. The others are waiting there for you.'

We skirted around it, and before long, we had found the drain, encircled by many scout-uniform-clad LDSR members. If it weren't for the gleam of excitement in their eyes, and the premise of kidnapping some of the top people in the scouts, they might have been disgusted to wear their enemy's clothing.

Elias turned to me. 'Novalie, you know the castle best, you guide them out of the basement. Once out, they will all know where to go. You are in charge, understood?'

I nodded, speechless. I was trying to bring on the emotionless state, but no, it was never there when I WANTED it to be. I called to the others and ducked into the passage in the manhole that was inside the hill.

It was damp, pitch black, and more than musty. I tried not to breathe through my nose as we crept through the sewers. They were remarkably thin, the river of sludge running beside the stone pathway we stood on. Everyone was silent behind me. We soon reached a dead end. I put my hands out and found a ladder on the wall. I ran my hand up it as far I could reach. It must go up into the basement. Looking up, there was a square of light beaming through a trapdoor quite far above me.

'Everyone, stay here until I knock on the trapdoor, then come up, understood?' I called to them in the darkness. There were murmurs of agreement and understanding, and so I turned to the ladder, found my footing, and climbed.

I was making them wait because I knew Eren was going to be in there, I needed to make sure they didn't hurt him. I was given a spare tranquillizer in case for some reason the first one didn't knock Levi out (which was highly unlikely), although I was taking a risk here by using it on Eren instead of Levi. I just hope one injection does it. It should do.

I knew I'd reached the top when my head collided with the trap door.

'Ow!' I exclaimed. I put one hand on it, pushing upwards. It wouldn't budge. Damn it. Then I remembered something Elias had said. The scouts usually kept the trapdoor covered over with storage crates and whatnot, but I was to knock on it when I was ready, and Johnathon would move them out of the way. Wait, does that mean he got to Eren before I did? Oh no.

I knocked, and listened. The sound of scraping and heavy things being shifted sounded above me, and the door was opened to me, light spilling into the hole I had climbed and making me squint.

'Hood up!' Johnathon hissed. I pulled my hood up over my head and climbed out.

'Can we come up yet Miss Kansten?' One of the "scouts" in the sewer called.

'In a second,' I replied. I had to see Eren first.

'Why not?' Johnathon questioned. I looked him straight in the eye, he shrunk back a little.

'Because I say so,' I declared, brushing past him and marching around the corner to the cell Eren was in. The boy was sprawled across the floor. I slunk into his cell and put my hand to his neck. I hadn't realised Johnathon had tailed me, making me jump when he spoke.

'I knocked him one,' he told me. Thank goodness, he's only knocked out. Yes, there is his pulse, it is steady. Although, it looks like he took a nasty hit there, his head is bleeding.

I jumped up and called to the group to come up. They rather eagerly climbed the ladder, clambering out one by one. I did a head count, yep, that is everyone. Johnathon and I led them up the stairs. This is one of the riskiest parts, it is unlikely that anyone would come down here, but if a group of unfamiliar scouts were caught down here, led by a "dead" one, it would certainly raise suspicion. As I let them through the door and into an empty corridor, they all grouped off and wandered in different directions. Johnathon went to get the stretchers and gauze.

The scouts had just returned from an expedition, so it was not uncommon to see bodies being carted off places. Elias, of course, purposefully timed it this way.

My heart was in my throat as I slunk up the staircase onto the first floor, then the second floor. Levi's floor. My entire body tingling, I kept my head down under my hood as someone passed me by. I stopped in front of his door.

This is it.

 **LEVI**

I heard a knock come from my door. 'What is it?'

There was a short silence, then, 'It's Novalie, I'm back.' The blood in my veins turned to ice. What the hell… Was I hallucinating? But I stopped seeing and hearing her AGES ago. How is this POSSIBLE? Only me and her know her real name, so it can't be someone else… I crept towards the door, taking the handle in my shaking hand. Irrational fear that rippled through me made me hesitate. I took a deep breath and reluctantly opened the door.

The figure in the hood, that was smaller than me, looked up. It was her.

 **NOVALIE**

We stared at each other, neither of us capable of words. He looked somewhat haggard, and older, but god I had missed seeing that face. His eyes were filled with shock and disbelief.

'M- may I come in?' I asked quietly. He stepped back, still silent. I drifted into his room -it was immaculate as always- and shut the door behind me. I took a deep, long breath, slipped the injection from my pocket to my sleeve, and threw my arms around him. He tensed up and I could hear him gasp at my touch. _No Levi, I am not a ghost, and I am not a figment of your imagination._ I clung to him, urging myself to get it over and done with.

I stood there, hugging him, for what seemed like a millennium. I slid the injection into my grasp and held it just above the nape of his neck. I could feel his heartbeat, it was thundering.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

I'll explain it to him, I'll explain where I have been and what happened and we can thwart Elias' plan together. Yes, that's a good idea. I can go to the military police then, and tell them exactly what has been going on.

 _If you fail me, Novalie, don't expect the scouts to be safe anymore. I mean, it isn't anyway with me around, but I will make everyone suffer so badly because of you. You go missing, and we change our identities, our appearances, our meeting points. So don't try anything._

Elias had drummed that into me. He was right, he's too clever, he knows the risk, and he is a careful man with good judgement. He knows how to make people pay.

No, it's a scare tactic, I mean, what can he REALLY do?

Levi began to regain his composure and pull away from me. Oh shit, it's now or never.

I jabbed the needle into his neck, forcing the liquid into his veins. He yelped in surprise at me stabbing him, shoving me away from him. There, it was in. No going back Novalie. He stared at me in utter shock. I did not say a word to him. He began to stagger. My heart skipped a beat as I watched it take effect.

'Y- you are alive…' He slurred.

'Yes, I am.'

'What are… What is this…' He put his hand to his neck where I had jabbed him.

'I'm so sorry Levi,' I blurted to his confused and pained face as he fell to the ground. I waited a few moments. He was motionless.

I am so, so sorry.


	34. Chapter 34 - I Hate You

**HI PEOPLE, sorry this chapter is late. "DISGRACEFUL SOULLESSQUILL, WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!"**

 **I know I know, I want my money back too, but regardless, here be yo chapter, I hope it is to your standards. ;)**

 **Also, analyzing, what smell did you mean exactly? (Don't mind me shamelessly using the chapter to reply to ppl's comments XD)**

Johnathon woke me from my daze as I stared at the sleeping Levi on the ground. I had been staring at him for the past five or so minutes, and Johnathon was less than happy. He didn't dare reprimand me though, after all, I was his superior. We pulled Levi onto a stretcher, and I hated that this lowlife was handling him like dead meat – like cargo. I kept my mouth shut though, my heart pounding with a subtle but torturous pain all the way back to Fort Trinch.

Elias wouldn't let me follow Levi as they carried him, along with the others, into the dungeons. The plan had gone completely as expected – no complications. They now had four hostages.

'Good work sister, you have proven yourself worthy!' Elias clapped me on the back. I jolted forwards at his touch and hunched my shoulders a little.

'We are going to have _so much fun_ with our prisoners! Bye-bye Scout leaders!'

Bye-bye?

What… do you mean "bye-bye"?!

 **LEVI**

My eyes felt lead-heavy as I half-opened them. I had just had the weirdest dream… NOVALIE was at my door… And she stabbed me in the neck with some…

I started to fully wake up, to feel the cold stone against my cheek and the tiny bits of gravel that were digging into my face. A musty smell filled my nose. I realised I wasn't in my room, and my eyes wide flew open. It was almost pitch-black. The only light was some moonlight that illuminated a flight of stairs at the end of a barely-visible corridor in front of me. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all made of stone. I shifted into a sitting position, my arms feeling weirdly heavy as I tried to move them. I heard the rattle of chains, and, to my horror, I saw that my wrists had iron chains clamped around them.

'Psst!' I jumped at the sudden sound, widening my eyes in a fruitless attempt to be able to see better. My eyes re-focused in the darkness, and I realised I was some kind of prison-cell. Looking past it, there was another one diagonal to the left of me. A hand waved behind it, rattling chains as it waved.

'Psst, Levi! It's me,' the voice belonging to the hand hissed.

That's Hanji's voice.

'Four-Eyes?' I whispered back, actually comforted by her presence for once.

'Yeah, it's me, I was kidnapped by some scout I had never seen before!'

'I was…' I trailed off. I was kidnapped by a dead person. And a person that would never do that to me. Was I slipped a hallucinogen to throw me off? But it sounded just like her. It even SMELLED like her. Impossible…

'You were…?' Hanji prompted.

'I don't understand…' I thought aloud.

'Neither do I, Mike and Erwin are here with me too,' Hanji said.

WHAT? Mike and Erwin too?

'Really?'

'Yeah, they haven't woken up yet though. I was the first.'

'No shit,' I grumbled.

'Haha, even in here you are the same old Levi,' she chirped.

'How the hell can you be laughing? We have been bloody kidnapped.'

'I know, it's kind of exciting though isn't it? I've never been kidnapped before! Have you been kidnapped before?'

I rolled my eyes at her freakish excitement. 'Kind of, and when it happened, both me and-' I paused momentarily. '…Kamoku were tortured to near-death.'

'Oh… I remember that… It was the autumn before last…' Her voice became quiet and solemn. It was rare to hear her actually being serious, but any mention of Novalie and she went quiet. Now I think back, they were quite good friends.

'You are going to call me crazy but…' I began, needing to tell SOMEONE about the one thought that was rattling around my head. '… The scout that kidnapped me… was Novalie…'

'Who's Novalie?' Hanji asked. Oh wait.

'Kamoku,' I corrected myself.

' _What_? But she died ages ago Levi! We both saw her.'

'Come to think of it,' I frowned. 'We never did. We saw her name tag, but what if it wasn't her in there?'

'Then where did she go? Why would someone write her name on the tag? And why would she KIDNAP you? I think you are imagining things Levi.'

'No, no I am sure.'

'And what does Novalie mean? Is that a nickname?'

'No, it's her real name,' I said patiently.

'What?!' Hanji exclaimed.

'Kamoku is a nickname.'

'Why d-'

'Hanji? Levi?' Hanji was cut off by another, deeper male voice. Erwin.

'Here,' I called.

'Hello Erwin, I'm in the same cell as you, see?'

'Where are we?' He asked wearily.

'No idea, we've been taken hostage by someone,' I explained.

'Wait,' Hanji pondered. 'Is anyone in your cell Levi?' My eyes were a lot more accustomed to the darkness now, and I craned my neck. No one.

'No.'

'That's weird, why are you in a separate cell to us?'

'I don't know do I? Did they run out of space? Or were they kinder to me and kept me away from you?' I retorted. She would not shut up and my head was pounding.

'No, there is two more sets of shackles, there's room.'

I resisted the urge to scream at her to shut her face, and closed my eyes, leaning my head against the wall that I was most likely chained to. Chained like an animal. I felt sick to my stomach and my entire body ached like hell.

Nothing makes any sense.

 **NOVALIE**

Elias closed the door behind me. I waited for the click, but it never came. Oh? That's my reward for proving myself. I'm no longer locked in my room at night.

I waited about two hours as to make sure he'd be asleep, and then quietly pushed the door open. I crept downstairs agonizingly slowly, praying not to wake him.

I could go and see the hostages, couldn't I? I could sneak out of the window, up to Fort Trinch, and sneak back before he woke up. It would be incredibly risky, but at this point I didn't care. I gently opened the latch on the window (they don't have locks on them, thank goodness), and clambered out awkwardly. Then I pushed it to, but didn't close it all the way, so I could get back in. Once I had gotten past the house, I started running. Fort Trinch wasn't far thankfully, and I bolted up there in the pitch darkness desperately. The gate refused to budge, and so I skirted around the side, looking for a way up. I grabbed a chunk of ivy, which was taking over the wall, and scaled it nimbly, shifted my leg over it and dropping down the other side. It was a long way, and hurt my feet, but I was in.

Running down the staircase to the basement, I paused at the end of the corridor. I could barely see. The hushed voices that were present before silenced as they heard me enter. I walked slowly towards the cell in front of me, seeing a figure inside that was too dark for me to recognise. I stood in front of the iron bars.

'Who is that?' I asked quietly. Anxiety rippled through me, I didn't want them to identify me as their captor, and yet I so badly wanted to see them.

'Who are _you?_ ' The voice retorted. Oh, it's Levi.

'It's good to see you again Levi. I'm sorry it's like this,' I said coldly. I mustn't get too attached, for now, I am the enemy.

There was a gasp from my right. 'Kamoku, is that you?'

'Yes,' I replied to Hanji.

'Woah, how are you alive? And why did you kidnap Levi?!'

I ignored her questions and walked over to her cell. I could see better now. They were all sat on the floor, chained to the walls.

'Erwin, Mike,' I nodded to them. All three were staring at me gormlessly. Well, I suppose I am meant to be dead.

'Kamoku?' Erwin gasped.

I switched my gaze to him.

'What have you done?' He asked in horror. It made me cringe, the way he said it. He was right, what had I done? I have done so much to aid this evil. I let these people take the ones I cared about, what on earth was I THINKING? It's because of me they ended up here! I could free them, we could go home. I can fix this NOW. End it Novalie, free them. The key is on the wall over there, let them go. I put my hand on the cell door, staring at the keyhole that was inviting me in. I got more and more wound up, like my head was a jack-in-the-box that someone was winding and winding and winding. Suddenly, I felt terrified, with all their eyes on me and the questions in their head and the hurt in their eyes and I just ran. Upped and fled. I sprinted down the corridor and up the stairs and over the wall and all the way back to the village. My whole body was trembling violently. I went to open the window, but it had been closed. What?! Why was it closed? There is only one person that could have closed it, and that is my brother. Which means he knows I got out. Oh no. No no no no no. I can't get back in! My teeth started chattering along with the rest of my shaking body. He has to let me back in, there's no other way I can get inside. I am in SO much trouble. Novalie, you IDIOT! You have made SO MANY wrong choices, why can't you do anything right?! You are as STUPID as you were when you were a kid, you haven't changed!

fell against the wall beneath the window, curling into a ball.

I hate you Novalie, you know that, right? I always have, and I always will _._


	35. Chapter 35 - Consequences

**Whew, I was feeling very dark and very inspired when I wrote this. I got all up in the feels, and introduced a new side of Novalie: her instability. You haven't seen this yet because she's been so emotionless, but she's getting those emotions back damn fast. BONUS CHAPTER TONIGHT 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT – PLUS ITS MIDNIGHT RN WHERE I LIVE**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING: TOPIC OF SUICIDE AND MILD MENTION OF SELF-HARM***

 **TRIGGERING PARTS WILL BE IN BOLD**

I heard the front door open. I lifted my head slowly, not wanting to look him in the eye. I had been out here all night, it was freezing, but I was barely aware of the chill. I was torturing myself all night. Trying to convince myself I was right one minute and wishing I could just die the next.

Elias looked calm, but I saw past it – he was furious.

'Why don't you come inside sister?' He said firmly. I silently dragged myself to my feet and followed him inside, not daring look him in the eye.

He stopped in the middle of the kitchen and turned to face me.

'Where did you go?'

'T- to see the hostages,' I said quietly, reluctantly meeting his gaze. He narrowed his eyes at me. 'Oh yeah? Why?'

'Because I wanted to see them…'

'WHY?' He snapped, raising his voice.

'Because I was excited!' I blurted. Yeah, nice one Novalie, really believable.

'I wanted to-' I was cut off when I saw his fist come towards my head. Before I could blink, my arm snapped up to block him out of pure instinct. His face contorted in rage.

'HOW DARE YOU!' He screamed. Yes Elias, how dare I. I hate me too. I lost the willpower to fight then, and my arm dropped to my side as he shoved me into the wall. I saw his clenched fist approach my face, and winced as it came into contact. He smashed my face into the wall behind me, making my vision go blurry. The pain hit me. It was excruciating.

 **I revelled in it.**

 **This is what I deserve. Hit me again Elias, I deserve it.**

 **'I DESERVE IT!'**

Silence.

I said that out loud, didn't I?

'Yes, you do Novalie,' he spat. He shoved his knee into my stomach. I bent double, falling onto him. He stepped back and I kept falling until the wooden floor collided with the left side of me, making my body go numb with pain.

'Fort Trinch in half an hour, get cleaned up.' I closed my eyes, curling up as he left the room. Hatred filled me up, boiling over. **I cried out, my hands trembling as I dug my nails into my head. Harder and harder I dug them, willing it to hurt more. I need the pain, I DESERVE the pain.** I staggered to my feet, my mind as fuzzy as my vision. All I could imagine was removing the world of the enemy. That's it, the enemy must go. **I wrenched the kitchen draw open, pulling out a serrated steak knife.**

 **The enemy must die.**

 **I raised the knife, tilting the blade towards myself. I touched the cold tip to my jugular.**

 **The enemy must die. No more bad choices, no more hurting people, I can't hurt anyone if I'm dead. I briefly saw Elias come through the door in my periphery.**

 **'Novalie…' He gasped, trailing off. But he didn't stop me. I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, ready to plunge it into my neck and drown in a flood of warm, sticky blood, when Levi flashed through my head.**

 _'Why does everyone I care about die?'_

Levi said that to me once. He cared about me.

 _'As I said, you risked your life to save me'_

I- I did, I saved him.

I did something good, didn't I?

 **The thought of Levi made me hesitate puncturing my own throat. As long as he exists, I can't do it**. And I am the only one right now that can save them. I am the only ally in a crowd of those who want to slaughter them. I can't die – that's another wrong choice.

Dammit, I'm a follower, not a leader. I'm used to following orders, not making my own damn decisions! I _can't_ make decisions.

So, what if I HAD warned Levi, rather than knock him out? We would've saved the others, I would be back with my comrades, and I could contact the military police.

 _I will make everyone suffer so badly because of you. You go missing, and we change our identities, our looks, our base, so don't try anything._

Elias would know immediately that something was up, that I had gone astray, and he'd run off. We would be being attacked still, and that would be it. I wouldn't be able to take him down. He'd most likely kill us all, he has double the men we do. All this would be for nothing.

So, did I make the right choice?

Well, I don't know, but I need to make the most of this situation. I CANNOT give up now, I have people to save.

I have a best friend to look out for.

I opened my eyes, my hands going slack. **The knife fell to the floor.** I inhaled slowly.

'Not gonna make a mess of my kitchen then?' I looked over at Elias slowly. He looked unamused.

'I don't know whether that was to make me feel guilty or something, but if so, it was pretty pathetic.' He rolled his eyes at me. 'Come on, let's go before you do anything stupid.'

I tailed him silently, wiping sweat from my brow. I felt like I had just run a marathon.

 **LEVI**

The sound of water dripping from the ceiling was enough to drive me mad, and yet, it had to be dripping onto my head as well. It was already freezing down here, and I dreaded the next time it would hit me. Wherever I moved it was still dripping on me, a small icy hit every few seconds that made me jolt. I couldn't sleep, every time I slipped into slumber:

Drip.

Even Hanji had shut up now.

It was both a miracle and a dismay when two people came down the stairwell. I wanted answers, and so did the others.

What the hell is Novalie doing?

A man came towards us, holding a torch. The flame on the end of it illuminated his face eerily. Novalie was beside him. Even in the darkness, he looked like a male version of her. Are they… RELATED?

They approached me, and the others in the other cell craned their necks to see what was happening.

'Novalie,' the man said to her. She looked at him with fear in her eyes. She looked like she was in pain.

'This is your punishment,' he nodded towards me.

Drip.

I shuddered, damn drip!

'What do you mean?' She asked him in a wary tone.

'Kick him.'

I scowled, and I heard Hanji gasp.

Novalie looked shocked, but quickly hid it with her trademark blank expression. 'You want me to kick him?'

'Yes.' He opened the door to my cell. She won't do it. She could attack him, grab his torch and set him alight. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

She drifted to me, looking down at me. I stared up at her wordlessly. The expression on her face – I'd never seen anything like it. She looked like a tortured, helpless animal. She scrunched her face up and glared at me, anger taking over. She looked over her shoulder at the man, who grinned at her apparent enthusiasm and nodded. Turning back to me, she raised her foot.

No, she wouldn't.

She wouldn't!

 **NOVALIE**

I couldn't. I couldn't possibly hurt him.

BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.

 **LEVI**

Her boot collided with my torso. I wheezed, alarmed by what she was doing. She pulled her foot back again, her fists clenching at her sides. She kicked again, grimacing as she did so. The man behind her watched happily. I groaned in pain.

'Kamoku, what are you DOING?!' Hanji screeched in disbelief. She ignored her completely, kicking me again. I could barely breathe, she was continually winding me. Every hit sent shockwaves of pain through me. She stopped and turned to the man beside her.

'Brother, I don't see how this is a punishment,' she debated. 'I don't care about him, why would I be bothered by this?'

 _I don't care about him._

If this is the group that keep attacking us… Was she just playing me this ENTIRE TIME? Was she their minion, building up my trust only to betray me?

THE LITTLE SHIT.

Who IS this? Is there no such thing as the woman I knew? Does the honest, kind, caring Novalie Kansten not even exist?!

Is she just a monster, a wolf in sheep's clothing?

What the FUCK IS GOING ON?!

'Well,' the man chuckled. 'If you don't care, then you should be fine kicking him even more!' He looked at her expectantly. She turned around again, her expression unreadable. She snapped, kicking me over and over, hard. I curled into a ball, trying to protect my vital organs.

Drip.

I couldn't care less about that stupid drip right now.

The man laughed like a manic. 'HAHAHAHA! I'll wait upstairs Novalie, do continue.' As soon as he sauntered up the stairs, taking the only source of light with him, she stopped. She started breathing rapidly, refusing to look at me. She staggered out of the cell, clutching the criss-cross bars. Leaning her head against it, her entire body convulsed. She let out a strangled cry.

What the hell? Whose side is she even on?!

She shut the door behind me, locking me in and dragging herself to the stairwell.


	36. Chapter 36 - You Monster

**Hi peeps :D**

 **So, I put a trigger warning on the last chapter, and if there is anyone out there that did decide to skip the triggering parts, let me clue you in:**

 **Novalie felt like she deserved the pain that was being inflicted on her, and kind of enjoyed it. (She's not a masochist, she is self-hating).**

 **Novalie also almost killed herself, but stopped when she realised that she was the only one that could save the four hostages and that she couldn't do that because she is so close to Levi, who needs her right now.**

 **I will always make the effort to put a trigger warning on things because I fully understand that what I'm writing is pretty upsetting to some people, especially if you have been through this stuff. Still, I don't want you to have to not know what's going on so I'll always tell you what went on like I did just now.**

 **Daymn I am a morbid human being. D:**

 **Anyway, here's your chapter folks!**

 **NOVALIE**

The light has gone. There's no light left inside me. It has been extinguished with a single motion. I used to have a little light – it was dim, but it was there. It kept me alive and breathing. It got me up every day.

 _I'm in the dark now._

I was alone in the house, and my head was bleeding. The blood was warm, it was running down my temple and over my cheekbone. My face was cold, and the blood was warming it. All I had was the wound on my head and the veil of hate that has come yet again to suffocate me. The voices that whisper, _you monster. You don't deserve love. You deserve to be hurt like you hurt him._ And that is just what happened. Karma has hit me, the depression that slunk into the background for these past three years came crawling back to strangle me once more. It is like, although I have gradually been regaining my emotions, this one action has opened a door and let the depression and hate loose like a torrent.

It's taking over my mind.

I'm sorry Levi.

It's pathetic I know, the word "sorry". Like a one syllable word could POSSIBLY excuse what I have just done. But I am sorry, and that is all I've got to say.

Pathetic, I know.

I had a choice. Either stand with the scouts as they all die, or possibly save them but sacrifice the people I cared about. What a shitty choice.

Life, why do you intend on hurting me? Was I born to satisfy your torturous desires? Why did you have to make me exist?

The stream of blood crept into my mouth. It tasted like metal. I let it slide past my lips as I stared at the wall in front of me. There was now a mark on the wall, a mark of blood. A mark where I had tried to knock myself out. At least if I was unconscious I couldn't feel the misery. It didn't work though. It didn't work and now my head is thundering with pain and the wall has a splodge of my blood on it.

And the pain, it's still here.

 **LEVI**

'Do you think that was some kind of meltdown? I think it means she feels guilty. Maybe she is being forced to do this? Or mayb-'

'Hanji, shut up,' I snapped. She fell silent.

Mike, who had been eerily quiet for most of the time we'd been down here, piped up. 'I never knew her that well, but she always looked a bit… Cold.'

'She suffered from a lack of emotions,' Erwin explained. 'But despite that, she did care about people. Or so it seemed.'

'Hey, Erwin, I bet you knew her real name, didn't you?' Hanji said. 'It must have been on her record.'

'No, it wasn't. Kamoku was on there.'

'She never used to speak…' I said, staring down the dark corridor. My stomach ached for food, my whole body ached with bruises from Novalie's kicking, my mouth was so dry that my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, and my back hurt against the stone wall. And I needed to pee. Not good.

'What?' Asked Mike.

'In the Eastern Scouting Regiment, she didn't take her hood off or speak. Not in the cadets either. Her comrades gave her that name. It means silence or something like that.'

'Wow, who did she think she was?' Mike spat.

I growled under my breath. Something, SOME kind of hope that she was the same person I knew still made me fiercely defensive over her.

'She is Novalie Kansten and she has had a shit life, so don't judge what you don't know,' I blurted angrily.

'Levi,' Erwin said in a warning tone. 'We don't need an argument, we are stuck here with each other, let's at least get along.'

'Is anyone else dying for a poo?' Hanji chirped.

'Thanks for that image Shitty Glasses,' I grumbled.

'Ugh, they better not leave us to crap ourselves,' Mike muttered.

Imagine the loss of dignity… At least it's dark. This is a nightmare come to life.

'Well,' Erwin sighed. 'Next time they come down here, I will want answers about exactly who they are and what they want.'

'It's them,' I said without any doubt in my mind.

'You mean our Enemy?' Erwin caught on.

'Yeah, the ones that bloody killed half of us.'

'Yes, that would make sense. They are clever no doubt.'

'But, why is Kamoku with them?!' Hanji exclaimed impatiently.

'Your guess is as good as mine,' Erwin murmured.

The room fell silent apart from the odd rattle of chains as someone shifted. My head was full of shit, I was overwhelmed with both heartbreak and confusion. I had never found someone so similar to me - I had never been so emotionally close to someone. I don't do all the sappy emotional talk, but she kinda forced me to. It was oddly liberating. Now, though, I don't even KNOW her, and to think that the person I thought was dead has come back as my enemy... It'd be less painful if she had stayed dead...

 **NOVALIE**

I somehow got myself together, shuddering non-stop as I paced the empty house. What else is Elias going to make me do? I still needed to prove myself, and I was on my way there, but my heart ruled my head and I made the stupid decision to run off. Now I had lost his trust. _You idiot_.

If I can just have enough freedom to contact the military police, to send them a letter or something, then I could organise an ambush. Elias and his gang could be arrested. And maybe, just MAYBE, things could go back to the way they were.

Expect Levi will hate me. Every footstep, every thump of my pounding head, reminded me of the way I could feel his ribs every time I rammed my boot into him. I was close to turning around and beating Elias to the floor. Maybe I should have, but the underlying fear that killing Elias wouldn't be enough to get rid of the LDSR, that they would pick another leader and wreak more havoc, stopped me from doing so. The scene played over and over in my head,

Kick

Kick

Kick.

I felt bile rise in my throat, and bolted to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet JUST as I reached it. I heaved, closing my eyes. It was SICKENING, absolutely REVOLTING to even think about. I even had to put on a show of being angry and passionate about it when really, I wanted to crouch down and hug Levi and tell him to sit tight, because I am going to get him out.

But I can't.

I shakily flushed the toilet and cleaned up my face – which was a few shades paler – and traipsed out of the bathroom in a daze, trying desperately to distract myself. I wandered into rooms I never had been in, ambling around dumbly. I stopped dead when I came into a small room with strange things everywhere. There were animal heads on the wall, there were random items of clothing, a scout's cloak soaked in blood, random objects laid out on tables and shelves. I gaped at it all, what is THIS?

As I scanned my eyes across the table, I saw something that was strangely familiar to me. It was a dark oak spoon, engraved with vines. It was kind of like the one I have…

I took out the spoon from my pocket to compare them, and as I put them next to each other, my blood turned to ice in my veins.

 _'Here is your dinner sweetie,' Jo put my soup bowl in front of me. I looked down at it and the plain old spoon that was in it. I plucked it out and dropped it on the table, scowling at it. I could see my adopted mother watching me out of the corner of my eye, and Gideon, who was also at the table, chuckled._

 _'This little madam wants HER spoon Jo.'_

 _'Oh Novalie, you are a funny one,' Jo tittered, handing me another spoon. This one was MY spoon, it was so intricately designed all the way up the handle. It was mesmerising._

 _'Look Novalie, I have one too,' Gideon said, and as I looked up at him, I saw that he was holding an identical spoon, except it was bigger, and of dark wood unlike mine._

My legs stopped working. I couldn't move. I heard Elias come through the front door, but still, I couldn't respond.

'Novalie?' He called from downstairs.

It is Gideon's spoon. My adoptive Father's… What the HELL is it doing _here_?

Elias' footsteps on the stairs.

'Sis? Oh, you found my trophy room.' His voice was behind me now. His TROPHY ROOM? I swivelled around, still holding the spoons. He glanced down at them.

'That's funny, I only remember taking one spoon…' Rage welled up inside me, pure raw emotion.

I said, surprisingly calmly, 'How did you get this?'

Expressions flicked across Elias' face. I tried to take them in, but my anger was blinding me. 'This room…' He stepped past me, admiring his curiosities. 'Is full of trophies. Trinkets, or souvenirs if you like, of my enemies. Everything in this room belonged to someone who I… Got rid of.'


	37. Chapter 37 - Keeping Up the Act

**Chapter 37 – Keeping Up the Act**

 **Hi peeeeooople! Oml this chapter is long. SHIT HAPPENS.**

 **IT'S CRAZZZZZY.**

 **Thank you for your lovely comments, and yes, Elias is probably insane. And a sociopath. A HIGH-FUNCTIONING SOCIOPATH.**

 **MWAHAHAHA REFERENCESSSSSSSS.**

 **Anyway, I'm gonna stick one of these out there:**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING, SELF-HARM INJURIES ARE DESCRIBED - MILD MENTION OF THE ACT***

 **Triggering content will be in bold.**

No way. This CANNOT be the same spoon! It just CAN'T. I always thought it was weird that my adopted parents were just randomly murdered, but it was my damn BROTHER? It was BECAUSE OF ME that this happened?!

My head whirled, all I wanted to do was hit this malevolent bastard. Hit him until HE becomes MY BLOODY SOUVENIR! I'LL PUT HIS DAMN HEAD ON A SPIKE!

But I have to keep up the act. OH, THE DAMN ACT.

'Why…?' Was all I trusted myself to say.

He came up behind me, looking over my shoulder as I stared down at the two spoons. 'They were campaigning for the scouting regiment to continue their expeditions, but of course, loads of people do that. So why them? Well, I watched you grow up Novalie. As soon as I got to the surface, I watched you from in the background. You never noticed me lurking in your life. But these people that brought you up… they were getting in the way. They blocked my path to you, and they brought you up a SCOUT! My poor sister, BRAINWASHED into joining these evil people. I was furious, and I must say…' His breath tickled my ear. '… That woman made for an excellent pin cushion for my knife.' I went to move my arm and strike but I had barely got the chance to flinch before I stopped myself.

 _He's testing me. Don't mess this up like last time._ I strained and strained to let my face go slack, and turned slowly to face him. I dropped the spoons on the floor.

'Fair enough,' I shrugged hollowly. Then I turned my heel and walked out, shut myself in my room, and threw myself onto the bed, burying my face into a pillow to muffle my hysterical screaming.

I couldn't stop, I tried holding my breath, I tried breathing deeply, I tried EVERYTHING, but the sound continually came out from my lips, and I was scared to lift my head to breathe in case I made an audible sound. I heard Elias knock on my door about half an hour later, when my body had given up on me and I was staring at the wall, laying on my front.

'Sister? Are you OK?'

'Yes,' I called vacantly. The act Novalie, keep up the act. You do that now, the sooner you can tear this monster apart.

'May I come in?'

'Just a moment.' I stood up, brushed myself down, and sat at my desk, opening a book to make it seem like I was reading. 'OK, come in.'

He appeared through the door, looking me up and down and surveying my room.

'What happened back there?'

'I…' think fast think fast, what's a viable excuse?

'I was in shock I guess… I never realised I was being brainwashed for the vast majority of my childhood.'

'I know, but you have come to your senses now haven't you? All you needed was a little eye-opener from me.' He smiled warmly and put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded. HE BOUGHT IT. _Thank god._

'Elias…' I began, trying to think of a way to earn me some points with him without sounding suspicious. 'I want to make you proud. I was just so excited the other night when we got our hostages and I am so sorry for defying you. What can I do to prove myself worthy of the LDSR?'

Was that convincing?

It better have been.

'Well Novalie, we are going to meet up so we can ALL meet the hostages tomorrow night. Then, after we have introduced our prisoners, you can do something for me. Something that will prove your utmost allegiance to us. Think you can do it?'

'Yes,' I blurted unthinkingly. What the hell was he going to make me do? Images of the worst possible scenarios flashed through my head.

What if he made me KILL one of them?

'Good.' He patted me on the back, hard, and left the room.

I am alone again, with the pain. And no light to guide me.

 _'Novalie? Are you PACKING?' I nodded silently. 'Where on earth are you going?'_

 _'The cadets,' I replied bluntly._

 _I heard Jo gasp. 'What?!'_

 _I continued to pack._

 _She put her tough, work-beaten hands onto my shoulders. 'Novalie! Look at me.'_

 _Anger bubbled inside me. I wrenched myself out of her grasp. 'Get off me! I'm going TONIGHT! I'm going to become a scout like my parents!'_

 _'A SCOUT? Listen to yourself, you will get yourself killed!'_

 _'I thought you liked the scouts,' I sneered at her, glaring straight at her expression of disbelief._

 _'We do! But, you are only fourteen! The Scouting Regiment is no place for a fourteen-year-old girl… And after your parents…'_

 _I ripped my rucksack away from her._

 _'Bye,' was all I said._

 _'No, Novalie, this is totally irrational! Let's talk about this, please. Come downstairs and me and your Father will talk with you.'_

 _But this decision had been set in stone for years. I was going, no matter what. And these two weren't going to keep me in this hole all my life. I pushed past her towards my bedroom door. She ran past me, and out of sight down the stairs, and a few seconds later I heard the front door key being slid off of the bookshelf._

 _I scowled and marched over to my window. I quietly opened it, and Jo and Gideon began murmuring to each other down in the kitchen. Slipping out nimbly, I scaled the wall, dropping to the ground and crouching under the window._

 _'Please, Gideon, go and try to talk some sense into her.' Jo was sobbing between her words. 'She is the best thing that's ever happened to me, to us. She's my life Gid!'_

 _'Shh, I know, I know,' Gideon soothed. 'She can be a nightmare but she will always be our little girl. Don't worry, she is just having one of her bad nights. She does this, doesn't she?'_

 _'Y- you didn't see the look in her eyes Gideon…'_

 _I rolled my eyes and slunk off down the street before breaking into a sprint._

 _I'm free._

They cared so much, despite me never giving them anything back. That is the last time I saw them alive. Over the two years it took for me to be enrolled into the Scouts, I had matured. I'd realised just what they meant to me. Despite now never speaking, I had decided to visit them.

They had been stabbed hundreds of times. In fierce passion, it seemed. The door had swung open upon me knocking. Stepping inside, I was about to utter the words, 'I'm sorry,' when I saw them sprawled across the kitchen floor and realised they were gone.

I gasped, opening my eyes wide in fear. Their lifeless faces were flashing through my head.

Wait, it was a dream.

My nightmares had been beginning to affect me again. Emotion was a part of me again now, and so my "face reading skills" had dwindled. I could no longer deduce what a twitch or an odd glance meant, I just had too much shit in my own head.

Wiping sweat from my brow, I looked around the room. it was dusk outside, and the silhouettes of bats danced in front of the murky sky outside my window. I stood slowly. The shadows cast around my room unnerved me, they reminded me of the basement. During the two times I had been down there, when subjected to pitch darkness, I was so overwhelmed with torment for the hostages that the darkness was nothing in comparison. And yet, both times I had panicked and ran.

Kick

Kick

Kick.

I shivered, trying to shove the thought out of my head. Don't think about that…

Kick

Kick

Ki- STOP! PLEASE STOP!

I hadn't realised I had been clutching my head. The floorboards bent out of shape and distorted. Someone was spinning me… Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning…

What is that banging sound…?

'Sis! HEY! Open up!'

Someone is knocking on the door…

'NOVALIE!'

Someone is shaking me…

I opened an eye. Oh look, there is Elias' face…

Oh.

Oh no.

THAT'S ELIAS' FACE.

I was laying on the floor, the smell of burning filling my nostrils.

'Elias…?'

'Novalie, why, why did you do that?!'

'Do what?' I began to regain my full consciousness.

'Your arms! Look!' He yanked one of my arms up in front of my face. **It was all burned, fleshy and red and dripping with blood.**

'Wha…' It dawned on me then. Vague, fuzzy memories slowly took shape in my mind.

 **I had stuck my arms in a candle flame.**

The pain kicked in. 'Ahhh!' I exclaimed, bolting into a sitting position.

'What the hell were you doing?!' Elias demanded.

'I… I don't know!' I said exasperatedly.

'Ugh, whatever, there are bandages on your desk, hurry up. We are going to Trinch.'

He strode out of the room **, leaving me to run into the bathroom and press a damp cloth to my burns in desperation. It felt like I still had them under the flame. I can't remember what exactly possessed me to do it, but my head was whirling and the flame was dancing on its little stick, inviting me in. And then there is that part of me that says,** ** _go burn in hell,_** **in my every waking moment** ** _._**

 **LEVI**

'Shh, listen,' Erwin suddenly hissed, silencing Four-Eyes in the middle of one of her rants. Voices… Many voices above us…

Is this the rest of them?

They began to chant, quiet at first, then louder.

'KANSTEN, KANSTEN, KANSTEN!'

No fucking way. I'm mishearing.

'Are they saying Kansten?' Erwin mused.

'So I'm not going mad,' I grumbled.

'SILENCE!'

This voice was much louder than the crowd.

'Welcome back, my soldiers!'

The crowd cheered. It was the same voice as that man who ordered Novalie to beat me.

'Hey, it's that man again,' Mike said.

Hanji chimed in, 'ohhh, remember Kamoku calling him brother? They are calling _his_ name I think.'

'Yes, that would make sense,' Erwin agreed.

'And another cheer for Novalie!' The voice yelled with equal enthusiasm. The crowd cheered raucously again.

'Alright, so thanks to our elite team, we have four prisoners, and tonight, you lot get to meet them.'

Murmurs arose.

'Shush, now, it is cramped down there, so a few at a time. And no touching, they are mine and Novalie's property.'

PROPERTY?

'We are _property?_ ' Mike hissed.

'Apparently so… Well, at least they aren't going to hurt us,' Erwin sighed.

'For god's sake…' I muttered. Why did he have to make everything sound so POSITIVE? We are probably going to be killed when their new-toy effect wears off.

They came down in groups with their torches aflame, gaping like children at a curiosity show. They spat at us, jeered, yelled abuse. I growled at them, glaring in utter fury the entire time. Because of this, they seemed to hang around my cell the longest.

''Ere look at this one, 'e wants a fight!' A toothless, grubby delinquent leered. A woman came over, looking _slightly_ better groomed, but still disgusting.

'Yeah, that's Captain Levi, innit?'

'Who?'

'Humanity's strongest soldier asshole!' The woman whacked the man about the face.

'OI! Stop it!'

'Hey, you two, we are soldiers, not brawlers. Know your place,' another member with a little more sophistication held them apart.

The others sat in their cell quietly, not responding to the idiots outside and not even acknowledging the carnage. I didn't understand why they would do that. Just sit there and give in? Let them know you are their victim? No thanks, I will fight until they kill me. I will NOT let them win.

Eventually, the last people came down. Novalie and her brother – he must be their leader. It was just the two of them now. He lit the torches on the walls, illuminating the area so I could see everyone's faces much better.

'Novalie, your time has come to prove yourself. Let me take you to the weapon area, so you can choose what to use…' He guided her past the others' cell and through a wooden door at the other end of the corridor.


	38. Chapter 38 - Kicking and Screaming

**Alrighty, before stuff happens, lemme just tell ya about the trigger stuff from last chapter. Basically, Novalie burned her arms on a candle. On purpose. Elias had no sympathy either, 'cause he's an evil little bitch.**

 **OK, this chapter was so hard to write in so many ways. I have never inflicted so much mental pain on myself before in writing something. I knew this chapter was gonna happen for so long, but now I have come to it…**

 **OHHH SHIIIT.**

 **-;**

 **Oh jeez, here goes… *Deep breath***

 **NOVALIE**

Did he just say the word weapon? I felt my whole body struggle to stop me, to push me back, but I forced myself to keep walking into the next room. My heart turned to ice inside my chest. It felt like, with every agonizing beat, it was being hacked at with a pickaxe – slowly chipped away.

I held my breath as he ushered me into the room beyond the door.

At first, it looked like a pile of junk, but as I looked closer, I realised in horror that there were whips lined with steel spikes, thumbnail screws, skin peelers, all piled in the middle of the room.

'Time to choose, what kind of pain would you like to inflict on Lovely Levi?' Elias beamed as he skirted around his pile, grinning at me like an excited child on his birthday.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know which emotion to feel first, they were all flying at me so fast…

'Novalie? Are you with me? You ARE capable of doing this, right?'

I snapped out of it. 'Yes, of course!'

 _He's going to make me torture him._

You do this, and you might save their lives.

 _You might._

I pictured Levi in his cell, filthy, aching and helpless. He had been reduced from an independent, self-sufficient, truly amazing soldier, into this shred of hurt and fury that was shackled to the wall like an animal. It was so dehumanising. He had gone through hell to give his captors hell, as I have no doubt Elias has "talked" with the hostages plenty.

Although, no matter how defenceless and weak he was right now, he is a shining light of respect to me, and all I see when I look at him is a man of dignity. Not only that, the thought of anyone or anything hurting him makes the pit of my stomach set alight in anger.

And that person is going to be me.

I am going to be forced to deface the very source of my existence. The one person I TRULY care about with all of my being.

 _SNAP OUT OF IT! CHOOSE NOVALIE, QUICKLY._

'Um…' I pointed to a plain whip – it looked like the least painful thing in there.

Elias huffed in disappointment.

'THAT? That's so BORING. It's almost as if you are trying to let him off easy…' He met my gaze, his eyes glinting a hazel that matched mine in the gloom. There were only a few wall torches to light the room up, but I could tell by his tone what he was hinting at.

'How about TWO things? The whip… And that too?' I wrenched the words out of my mouth and motioned to a flat metal criss-crossed structure that looked like an oven shelf or a metal cooling-rack. I didn't know what it was, but it looked like one of the friendliest things in the room.

'I like your thinking… I'll go and heat it up. In the meantime, why don't you start? Just Levi, by the way. For now, at least. And Smith is definitely mine.'

I can't believe I am doing this.

I nodded and picked up the whip. It trailed along the floor behind me like a snake. My hands shook so badly that I could barely grip the door handle. My entire system was alive and buzzing with fear and disbelief. And pure disgust.

 _How can you POSSIBLY be doing this Novalie?  
_ I trudged down the corridor, and stared down at Levi, who noticed the instrument in my hand.

 _Because I want him to live._

I unlatched the door as slowly as I could, throwing the whip into the corner and crouching in front of him. I tugged at his jacket. He was frozen for a moment, but then lashed out, shoving me backwards and scrambling back as far as his chains would let him. He did not look scared at all. He just looked like he would happily murder me if I came an inch closer.

'Kamoku, don't do this! Please! Levi is your friend,' Hanji begged.

 _Shut up, please, you are making this harder…_

'Come on Novalie, you two were inseparable. You cared for Levi, _where is your humanity_?'

Erwin was joining in too now.

I grimaced as I grabbed Levi's legs, pinning them down to stop him kicking me and trying to yank his jacket down before he attacked me further.

'Kamoku PLEA-'

'SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!' Levi yelled, still struggling against me. 'SHE'S NOT A FRIEND, SHE'S A MONSTER!'

I whimpered involuntarily. I'm pretty sure it was loud enough for Levi to hear.

 _I have ruined everything. I have ruined my own life._

'Having trouble?' Elias asked as he appeared.

I nodded, not capable of words at that moment.

'Let me show you how it's done sis.' I backed off as he approached Levi, who went even crazier and thrust his foot at him. I really wished his boot would go straight into Elias' stomach, but the evil bastard grabbed his leg and twisted it sharply, earning a growl from the Captain.

'Turn him over,' Elias commanded as he grabbed Levi's other leg. I grasped Levi's shoulder and pulled him onto his front while he writhed desperately. Elias brandished a knife from his pocket.

'Cut his shirt open.'

I took the knife, staring at my brother for a moment.

 _I wish this could go into you._

Reluctantly turning to my best friend, I saw the impossible task in front of me. How was I supposed to cut his shirt away without cutting HIM if he is squirming? I can't exactly tell him to stop moving in case he gets hurt, that would not be good for "the act". So, I grabbed his jacket, tore that off first, and peeled his shirt off his back to the best of my ability before going in for it and slicing the fabric.

I could feel the damp, humid air circulating around the basement. It hung in my throat, making my lungs feel heavy. Levi was soaked in sweat, and I was perspiring rapidly as well. He wriggled straight into my blade, jabbing himself in the back. He cried out as blood bloomed on his sweat-soaked shirt and he stopped moving and finally lay still. The cotton made a loud ripping sound that went straight through me as I exposed his back. It was completely smooth and untainted right now – healthy and unharmed. I was about to ruin it. With bile rising in my throat that I forced back down with all of my being, I motioned for Elias to hand me the whip. I could barely breathe, alarm bells hammering at my brain as I took the coarse leather in my hand.

'I should've left you to die,' Levi spat.

Yeah, maybe you should. Maybe right now, you'd be better off. But you didn't. And I am sorry that you made that choice too Levi.

I stood up, towering over him. He saw the end of the whip dangling in front of his face, and started struggling again.

'What are you waiting for?' Elias snapped. I held up the malevolent instrument.

COME ON, NOVALIE, WORK YOUR ARMS! YOU ARE SAVING HIS LIFE IN THE LONG RUN, COME ON, DO IT!

DON'T FAIL HIM. IT HURTS NOW BUT YOU ARE DOING IT FOR _HIM_.

I brought the whip down in a sharp motion. It cracked against his skin, producing a vermillion streak.

His cry of pain sent a shockwave of agony through me. He arched his back, tensing his shoulders and shivering at the sting of it.

Hanji made some kind of strangled sound behind me in shock.

I lifted it again, bringing it down.

He howled in pain, trying to curl up and get away, but Elias grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him down. Roaring in rage, he kicked off and thrashed about with all his energy. Elias grabbed his knife and lay it against his throat.

My heart skipped a beat.

'Move and I will slit your throat.'

He stopped.

My knees got weaker and weaker the more I lashed at him. The blows started to hit wounds that were already there, causing him to scream louder. It killed the last piece of my wretched soul when finally, his cries dwindled. He was too weak, he had given in.

I had beaten the fighting spirit out of him.

'Elias…' I said quietly.

'Hm?' He replied, still holding his knife to Levi's neck.

'I- I'm done with the whip now.'

'Oh yes, of course, the grill will be ready now!' He leapt up, handed me the knife, and swiftly left to go get his next torture device… I stared at Levi silently, my teeth chattering from the violent trembling. Sometimes, Elias could be incredibly observant, but sometimes he was blissfully in his own world, only seeing the pain I was inflicting on his enemy and not the distress I was going through. Thank god, because fuck acting, I can barely STAND.

'LEVI, HANG IN THERE, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEM!' Mike yelled to Levi, who's eyes were closing. Scrunching his face up, he exhaled through his teeth, hissing as he opened his eyes again. Levi craned his neck, his onyx irises meeting my face. His expression made my insides melt. _My best friend hates every ounce of my being._

If someone else had done this to him, I would have inflicted that same pain onto them out of spite.

Well don't worry Levi, I am not treating myself as an exception.

'You are a fighter Levi, you always were,' Erwin assured him. Elias came around the corner and banged on the cell wall.

'Shut it scum,' he hissed. He had thick leather gloves on, and was holding the oven-shelf-thing. Except… It was GLOWING red hot.

Oh shit.

He saw my expression and burst into laughter. 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK AT YOUR FACE! I KNOW, RIGHT? IT HURTS LIKE HELL WITH GLOVES ON! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!' Everyone in the room deadpanned upon seeing it.

Hanji clamped her hand over her mouth.

He approached Levi, who was turning back onto his back and digging his heels into the stone, pushing himself into the corner.

'I want to put this on his front,' Elias murmured.

'But, surely that will kill him?' I pleaded. Anywhere around his stomach seemed so fragile, there were so many organs around there.

He frowned at me. 'So what?'

'I don't want him to die… That's no fun…'

My throat got even more constricted, like pulling closed a draw-string bag.

'No fun? Why not?' Elias pouted.

I got an idea that I blurted to him out of pure desperation.

'Because, to torture someone effectively, you have gotta give them lots of pain in short bursts, giving them breaks to recover in between so they don't die. Then you can hurt them more later.'

Elias pondered it for a moment. I held my breath. He nodded slowly. 'That… Makes a lot of sense… I like it. Where do you suggest this goes then? Hurry up, it's cooling down.'

'His back?'

'No, I'm bored of his back.'

Think Novalie, where will be least painful, least dangerous, and least crippling in the long-term? I don't want to have to risk him having something amputated, and yet, if it is his torso, he might die of an infection…

Why am I having to make this FUCKING DECISION?!

'His chest?'

'What happened to "that will kill him"?'

'His chest should be fine, there are less vital organs and his heart and lungs are well protected.'

'Alright then. Here, I will hold him down and you do the honours.'

'Oh no, you can do that part, Elias, I know you want to,' I tried to worm my way out of it.

'No no,' he insisted. 'He's yours. I have three of my own toys.' He grinned his toothy grin of perfectly aligned teeth. I took the gloves from him and put them on as he pinned Levi down. I picked up the grill, it was almost too hot to hold! As I gingerly approached my Captain with it, I saw the expression of fear he was giving it.

Oh god, no. Be angry, please, hate me, don't be scared. I can't bear to see you frightened…

With a screaming voice in my head pleading for me not to hurt him, I pressed the grill onto him as gently as I could. It hissed as it made contact, the skin on Levi's chest peeling and melting away. His screams deafened me as blood trickled onto the floor, and everything hit me like a tidal wave. Elias grabbed my wrists and pushed it down harder, sandwiching Levi between the grill and the floor. Suddenly, the room went silent, only a faint ringing present in one of my ears. I looked around in confusion, Levi was writhing and convulsing under the grill, his mouth wide open and his eyes squeezed shut, but no sound came out of his mouth. Elias was laughing, Hanji was rattling the cell bars desperately, but everyone was… Completely silent….

What is going on?!

I stood up sharply, pulling the grill off of the Captain. Elias frowned at me questioningly.

'That's enough…' I said, but I couldn't hear myself say it. The world began to go grey around me.

'He will die if we carry on…' I hoped I was saying. Elias was speaking to me, his lips were moving, but I couldn't hear him.

'I can't hear you… I can't hear anything…' I said desperately, rubbing my ears.

He looked at me strangely.

'I can't hear Elias…'

I felt him grab me by the arm and drag me down the corridor, up the stairs, and he pointed in the direction of his house.

We left the now deserted castle in the darkness, and all the way home, I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. Please, just make it home Novalie, please.

 **Wow, OK. I don't know if that was any good, I've never written a torture scene before where the torturer is unwilling. I tried to convey Levi's pain and anger, Novalie's pain and horror, and the reality around them that she had to keep on going for "the act". I would love to hear your honest opinion about this horrible chapter. I think it will be a memorable one, don't you?**


	39. Chapter 39 - Reward

**First and foremost, thank you so much for the feedback on Chapter 38, yeah, I wasn't entirely sure how to approach Hanji. I tried to channel her extraverted-ness and the fact that she CAN be serious sometimes but I don't really know what she would do in that situation. Still, I really appreciate the criticism cause I WANNA KNOW Y'ALL OPINIONS.**

 **I know I am a week late, and I will over this weekend get you the other chapter, so we are up to date, but life's been a downwards spiral for me and so I have not had the will to write.**

 **Also, a lot of people are angry af at Novalie right now, which is understandable since she um, made some controversial choices, but in a future chapter, when the time of judgement comes, I will explain why she made those choices and their importance.**

 **OK, so after wreaking utter havoc on ya in the last chapter, I have, of course, got to accept the consequences. I'll give you one of deez:**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING, NOVALIE REALLY HATES HERSELF, SHE GONNA TAKE SHIT OUT ON HERSELF, OK?***

 **Triggering stuff in bold, you know the drill**

 **LEVI**

The moment I woke up, I was hit with the most excruciating, unspeakable pain. My chest burnt like fire, and my back stung unbearably.

'Levi, are you OK?!'

Four-Eyes' squeaks were a mutter in the background as I dragged myself into a sitting position. I slumped against the wall on my side, turning away from them and gagging on the agony. Clamping my eyes shut, I could not stop the tears streaming down my grimy face, despite my best efforts. It was the emptiness in her eyes. It was like when I met her – no, even MORE empty. The way she unquestioningly, robotically, TORTURED me until I passed out.

I hate you Novalie Kansten. I can barely bear the sound of your name in my head.

At the same time though, a small part of me was battling. It was a tiny, tiny part in the back of my head that told me she cared really, that she didn't TRULY want to hurt me. She had been shaking, she had been hesitant. She had debated my survival, even though it was supposedly so she could torture me more.

Ugh, who am I kidding?

And for fuck's sake Levi, stop bloody crying.

'Levi?' Erwin's voice prompted a response. I did not reply.

'Hey, Levi, can you speak?' Hanji tried again. No, I can't speak Shitty Glasses. What was left of my shirt fell off me as I shifted, my entire body tensing at the fire that roared around my body. I tried to stay sitting up, I did NOT want an infection. That's a hella painful way to die and more than likely in these conditions.

'I bet you we are next,' Mike said gravely.

'Ohh no! I don't think I'd survive the pain,' Hanji sounded scared for once. ACTUALLY scared. Titan's didn't freak her one bit, but she wasn't accustomed to the likes of evil human beings.

'I hope she'd end her miserable life…' I muttered to myself, scowling at the floor at the memory of Novalie's empty eyes.

'…And do the world a favour.'

 **NOVALIE**

I woke up on the floor of my bedroom, curled up against the door. I wondered for a few seconds what on earth I was doing here, until I remembered exactly what I'd just put Levi through. I clamped my hand over my mouth. My mind morphed into an angry man, repeatedly hammering me into the floor with everything I had done. What if Levi gets an infection? Ends up disabled? DIES? That's it then, the world would no longer bare me in it. I would have to cease to exist. I would kill myself like the coward I am and no one would ever receive pain from me again. My nose started burning in a familiar way, and my breath turned into short hiccups. I could do nothing but squeak. As my face scrunched up, I felt a warm drop of liquid run down my face.

Eventually, I opened my mouth to breathe, as I realised I had been holding it, but only a sob came out. Tears started showering my face, and I buried it in my hands, stiffening up my entire body. I hadn't cried in about twelve YEARS, but this was the last straw. I simply wept for, what seemed like eternity, but was probably not even half-an-hour, all the while trying to keep myself quiet. The hatred for myself and my brother – the last living Kanstens, simmered, boiled, and raged, in my head, eventually driving me to jump up and look for something dangerous. I staggered around blindly, I was able to hear again now, in fact, I could still hear Levi's screams of pain ringing through my entire being.

 _MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!_

This is my punishment; my conscience is burning down every little positive thing in my head in one massive blaze. And yet, it wasn't burning ME. No, it would leave me alive amongst the rubble when there is nothing left for me. Well, I will have to do that part myself. I deserve TWICE the torture Levi was just put through. How DARE I have a perfectly healthy body while he has suffered so much!

I dragged myself to the shower, still crying, and stood under the freezing water. I gasped for breath, but refused to heat it up. When I stepped out of it, I couldn't bring myself to even get dressed. I stood in the mirror and stared back at my miserable, tear-soaked face and shivering body. I hated how undamaged I was. I wasn't in PAIN, I was absolutely fine physically. **There was a razor in here somewhere, I knew there was.**

 **I found it soon enough.**

Of course, Elias wanted to know what had happened to me. He questioned me as soon as I braved stepping out of my bedroom. Fortunately, I had seen this coming, and as well as spending twenty minutes bandaging myself up, I had been calculating my response.

'My ears have only just stopped ringing, I think I might have an ear infection. I'm so sorry to end things the way I did, it just kinda freaked me out not being able to hear.'

He watched me with his stone cold eyes, deciding whether to accept my excuse. 'Fair enough,' he said. 'You DID do some brilliant work back there, I must admit! How would you like to go out around the village for a bit as a reward? Be back by five o'clock though.'

My heart leapt. It WORKED! It wasn't for nothing! I inhaled deeply, trying to supress the urge to cry and use my head with this freedom, unlike the last time. 'I am going to stay in tonight, I want to rest my ears. Tomorrow, maybe?'

Elias nodded and gave me a one-sided grin. 'Sure.'

I turned my heel and practically bounded up the stairs, my entire being alive with hope. _This is my chance._ I shut my door and whipped out a piece of parchment, dipping the pen in its ink well.

 _Where do I start?_

Half an hour later, I read over the letter I had written, holding that piece of parchment like it was my life and soul. Well, it would be the life of four people. I read it once more, drinking in the words.

 _Dear Nile Dok,_

 _My name is Novalie Kansten. I work under Captain Levi Ackerman, who as I am sure you know, is missing, along with Commander Erwin Smith, and Squad leaders Mike Zacharius and Hanji Zoe. I happen to know their whereabouts._

 _Allow me to get to the point. Over the past seven months, I have been working undercover in the very group that have been attacking the Scouting Regiment. Their name is the Legion for the Destruction of the Scouting Regiment, or commonly referred to as the LDSR. Their leader's name is Elias Kansten, and yes, unfortunatly, we are related. Despite having to pretend these past months, I assure you my allegiance is still entirely with the Scouting Regiment and with the law, and I have only just gained the freedom to be able to get this letter to you, otherwise I would have done it much sooner._

 _The vast majority of their members live in the village of Trinch, and their headquarters is Fort Trinch._

 _Now, before you go rushing off to that location, you must follow the plan I give you or this will not work. There are roughly 160 of them, and although they are not trained professionally, they all know basic self-defence and are lethal as a team. The attack needs to be a surprise. On the 19_ _th_ _of January they will assemble. Be there before nine o'clock pm, that will give you time to hide before they start appearing. There is plenty of foliage around that you can hide in, but be aware that they have men stationed outside the fort on top of it and on the ground with muskets. I have access to sonic flares, and so stay hidden until you hear me set one off. I will be in the fort with them. When you hear it, you must take the opportunity to take out the guards while your other men run in. If you have enough men and trap them in the fort, you should be able to get ahold of them. While you do so, I will run down into the basement area, where the hostages are. When your men come down there, I will be freeing them. Take them to a hospital immediately._

 _Do this and you will capture a major terrorist group. I will not lie, I have sacrificed my sanity to get rid of these people for seven months, and so I am desperate for this to work._

 _I hope you don't disappoint me._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Novalie Kansten_


	40. Chapter 40 - Making Amends

**Sooooo this chapter is well overdue... Sorry about that... I am trying to get back into writing - and life. XD Next chapter, which HOPEFULLY WILL ACTUALLY COME OUT ON TIME, will be a real game-changer, so stick around for that! Also, thanks for the INFLUX OF REVIEWS, I AM LOVING IT! KEEP REVIEWING!**

I folded it up and thought of a good place to hide it. I wasn't taking any risks. I looked down at myself. Well, Elias has always been thorough, but he's no pervert. I flattened it out and tied it to my leg under my trousers. It was most likely a needless precaution really, but I was NOT going to risk losing my precious letter. I guess now, I will have to wait until tomorrow.

While I was pacing my room that night, I contemplated going to see Levi. I could maybe give him some antiseptic… Something, ANYTHING, which might prevent him from further harm. What are the risks though? He will hate me anyway, and might even downright refuse. Elias might be watching me, he might even go to the Fort to see if I go there– that's unlikely though. If the antiseptic was found, ANY trace of it, I would be in big trouble.

It seems worth it.

'Morning sis, how is your ear?' Elias chimed as I appeared down the stairs.

'Much better thank you. My ears have always been sensitive, it must've been the damp down there.'

'Yes, well, you are better now, which is the main thing.'

'Yep. Actually, I was wondering if I could go on that walk?'

'Of course, where will you go?'

'I don't know, just exploring I think.'

'OK, well, I hope you don't mind… Can I check your pockets before you go?'

Well, I am glad I took THAT precaution. I turned my pockets out, took my jacket off, even took my boots off as he commanded, and then he was satisfied. I left with a bubble of hope in my stomach, it made me squirm it was so powerful.

As I stepped out into the crisp January air, the sky seemed brighter, the air warmer, the sun created more light on the land. I heard the birds chirp in excitement, as if they, too, were egging me on.

I was certain he was watching, and so I set off in a random direction, taking in the houses and cobbled streets. I got a lot of weird looks, probably because I was wearing "men's clothes" or whatever, but to my dismay, I also got a lot of cheery hellos from people I unfortunatly knew. LDSR members. The town was riddled with them. I could not risk them seeing me post the letter.

I shrunk behind a bakery to awkwardly retrieve the letter from my trouser leg, and located a postbox set in the wall on a (thankfully) quiet street. I glanced around – no one in sight. Shoving the letter in the hole in the wall, I exhaled in relief. It is done…

I passed the house on the way to Fort Trinch to see if Elias was still home - I could see him in the kitchen. I hadn't forgot about the antiseptic. I had that stashed… Well… I was in desperate measures, and again following the presumption that Elias wasn't a pervert, I had it down my top. Luckily, my shirt was fairly tight-fitting and tucked into my trousers, because I really didn't have any cleavage. Creeping around the back of the castle, I wriggled my way over the wall and peered around. No one in sight… Slipping into the basement, I found myself thinking Elias would be there. He could be waiting to pounce on me in the darkness… I took the match box off of the shelf on the wall and lit a torch, creeping towards the curled-up silhouette in the cell in front of me. It shifted. The torches' light illuminated Levi's face as I reached the cell. He was giving me one of those scowls that made you want to run the hell away.

'You don't look so good Novalie,' he said sarcastically.

'I'm not,' I replied shakily, opening the cell door. He briefly glanced at the torch in my hand, and scooted away from me. I crouched down beside him.

'I never wanted to hurt you,' I said pathetically. 'I did all of this for the Scouts… I knew my brother would easily have destroyed us… It was the only way…'

'Shut the fuck up,' Levi growled. My breath hitched in my throat and I stopped talking. His eyes blazed with fury.

'Don't think I am going to believe your bullshit. Now get on with it and leave.'

'Get on with what…?'

He glared at my torch. 'Whatever you are going to do to me.' He braced himself as I shifted. I almost gagged at his apprehension towards me as I plucked the bottle of antiseptic from my top.

'This is what I am going to do to you…'

'Get away from him you cowardly bitch!' Both Levi and I froze and turned around. Mike was glaring at me from the shadows.

'Mike,' Levi began, 'if you don't want to end up like me, shut your face.'

'No no,' I protested, shaking my head. 'Mike Is right, and as I said, I NEVER wanted to hurt you. Any of you.'

 **LEVI**

My mind raced. Who the hell is she sided with? I found myself wanting to believe her, against all odds. She knelt on her knees, taking the lid off of the bottle. Her face was more distraught than I thought was possible for her. She met my gaze.

'Please… Will you let me?'

As if.

She took a handkerchief out of her pocket – it looked clean.

'I can't bear the thought of you getting an infection… And I can't bandage you or he'll know…' She said desperately. I wavered. How do I know that's antiseptic in that bottle?

'Give me the bottle,' I said. She hesitated, then handed it over. I took it with a shackled hand and smelled it. It was antiseptic. It had also never been opened… I handed it back. She looked at me expectantly, as if asking my permission.

'It's not like I can stop you, is it?' I spat. She flinched. Why the hell is she so sensitive all of a sudden? She pressed the cloth to the bottle's rim and tipped it up. Then she took a knife out from behind her. I eyed it. What the hell was she gonna do with that?

As she approached I snarled at her to get away and kicked out. She threw her hands in the air in surrender.

'I'm cutting your shirt off, that's all.'

I stopped. The wasn't much left of my shirt, it just kind of hung in a rag around my waist. She leant down and pulled the fabric tight in her hand, yanking her blade through it and pulling it away from me. I sat still, trying to work out what her game was, as she pressed the cloth to the grid-shaped burns on my chest. I gritted my teeth, my breath hitching. My fucking god it was like FIRE.

'I'm sorry… I'm just causing you even more pain…' There was a hollowness to her voice, as if her soul had left her.

'What is this, another one of your brother's errands?' I snapped in a strained voice, trying not to cry out in pain.

'No,' she murmured, moving the cloth over the burns. 'If he found out I was here it would all be over.' She gazed at her cloth in concentration.

'What are you talking about?'

'He would probably kill you…' She muttered. She hit a particularly bad spot that felt like a hot rod being pressed against me, and I instinctively yanked myself away, yelping. She drew back a little in surprise.

Her hands were shaking. 'I'm sorry… I'm done with the front anyway.' I reluctantly turned around, hunching forwards.

Seconds later, she pressed the cloth to the gashes in my back, and the pain came again. I screwed my face up and exhaled through my teeth. Why was she doing this for me? Her hands were gentle, and I could see her cringe every time I winced or made a sound in my periphery.

She hurt me… And now she is healing me… What the fuck is going on with her…?

I thought I heard her gasp quietly, but ignored it. When she muttered that she was finished I shifted back around. Now that I had got what I wanted, I could at least try to beat the crap out of her-

I went to lash out, but froze when I saw her face. She was quietly putting the lid back onto the bottle and gathering up the torch that she had shoved through the bars of the cell wall. Tears glistened on her face. Is this what it took to ACTUALLY make her cry…? I didn't think she had it in her…

I snapped out of it. I couldn't afford sympathy, not for her. I kicked her in the leg, sending her to the ground. The torch rolled away from her and snuffed out. We were plunged into darkness. I could make out her body in the gloom. I kicked her in the stomach. She didn't try to stand. She didn't try to attack me. She didn't even try to move away, she just took the blow. Rage smothered me and clouded my mind, and I couldn't stop myself from pounding her with my boot just like she had done to me.

'Levi ENOUGH,' Erwin growled.

'Why should I?! She deserves it!'

'Don't sink to their level,' he murmured. I glanced down at Novalie. She was curled up.

'…Are you done?' She asked quietly.

I shuffled backwards, my chains rattling. 'Get out of here before I change my mind.'

She took her time getting to her feet. I could hear her breathing becoming more and more laboured. It reminded me of when we were in the hospital and the lights went out.

 _Of course, she's scared of the dark._

She fumbled around for the antiseptic and the torch and shoved the cloth into her pocket. As she reached the door, she paused.

'I called the military police… You will be free soon…'

And with that, she left.


	41. Chapter 41 - Endgame

**HOI GUYS! I have been thinking about this chapter for MONTHS, and now I am finally writing it! Yaaaaay! I actually managed to get a damn chapter out on time. ARE YA PROUD OF MEH? Also, I am ever grateful for the awesome reviews, thank yoooouuuu!**

Nile Dok read the letter over, pacing his office. Who was this person? How on Earth could they trust them? But he could not ignore it, if that is where the hostages are. Nile already had his second-in-command in charge of the scouts, with their help any ambush would surely not overpower them. He _could_ ask the Garrison's help… But he wavered on the idea. Would he need them? Being a rational man, he would make the decision to take all necessary precautions. The person in the letter was right, this cannot go wrong. He somewhat respected their sacrifice, though he did not know exactly how far they had gone in staying "loyal" to the LDSR.

He spent the whole afternoon processing the risks, the necessary actions, and eventually, he came to his decision.

 **NOVALIE**

January 19th. It is here. Tonight is the night that so much could either go right, or go wrong.

All day I was restless and fidgety, even Elias noticed it. It dawned on me then that if I set off the flare and they were not outside, that would be HIGHLY suspicious and would get me in some deep water. Not that I cared at this point. If tonight failed, I was sure I would go on a rampage and break everyone out. I couldn't bear it any more. I went on another "walk" and visited the fort, getting a sonic flare from the weapons room and hiding it under the rubble that made the "podium" in the courtyard. All set.

As we approached the fort that night, I scanned the trees around it for any signs of life. Nothing. Please, please just be good at hiding… My stomach twisted in knots. Inhaling deeply, Elias pushed open the doors to the many faces of the LDSR. We were greeted with jeers of admiration. _You won't admire me in a minute._ As we reached the podium, my jaw dropped in horror. Levi was being held down by two massive men, squinting in the brightness of the torchlight around him. Elias leaped up onto the podium and grinned with his perfectly aligned teeth.

'Ladies and gentlemen, the first of the executions!' There was an uproar of bloodthirsty excitement and the world went out of focus. His voice drowned out, time slowed down. Oh my lord, I need to do this QUICKLY. Luckily, I had brought a kitchen knife with me. It was a blunt serrated one, just in case I needed to fight someone off. I hopped up onto the podium, lingering slightly behind Elias. Levi was growling at me, struggling fruitlessly. With Elias busy facing his adoring fans, I bent down and slipped my hand around the sonic flare that was wedged under the rubble. I stood up, turning back to the crowd, and next thing I knew, Elias was approaching Levi with a sword.

SHIT!

Rage flooded through me like burst flood gates. The cheering intensified. I thrust my hand in the air and pulled the trigger on the flare. A deafening boom sounded and the crowd gasped, cringing. I revelled in the ringing in my ears. It was the shout for salvation. Silence came over the fort and everyone stared at me in confusion. Every second seemed to last a minute.

Nothing happened.

Oh shit.

Elias grinned suddenly, as if realising what I had done, and raised the sword above Levi's head. As he swung it down, instinct propelled me forwards, and I leaped on Elias, yanking him backwards with a strangled cry of desperation. I thrust the knife I was holding into his back, my insides white-hot with fury. I barely heard the gunshots as I wrestled Elias to the ground, stabbing him over and over and over. He writhed in pain and shock.

'DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH LEVI!' I shrieked. His hazel eyes that were like a mirror of my own lost its life, and he went limp. With blood coating me, I looked up. Then I realised there had been guns, and hundreds of shapes leapt over the walls of the fort, the sound of ODM gear filling my ears. The crowd screamed in fear, and I fell onto my knees in relief. _YES, THEY ARE HERE! It's over. It's all over._ I could have laughed, but I cried instead, sobbing " _yes, yes, thank you…_ " As the soldiers closed in, the men holding Levi dropped him and ran. I turned to my Captain. He was staring at me in complete disbelief.

'Y- you are safe,' I whispered among the chaos. I ran off, bolting into the basement and almost falling down the stairs. I didn't even care about the dark. I snatched the keys off of the wall and skidded to a halt in front of the others' cell. It took me a few goes to get my trembling hand to put the key into the lock, and I swung the door open. I sucked in a breath when I saw Erwin. He was slumped against the wall, bruised and battered. Elias had tortured him too. The other two were curled up against the wall.

'You are all free. The Military Police are here.' They raised their heads in surprise and sat still as I unchained them.

Hanji was the first to jump to her feet, swaying slightly as she did so. She hadn't eaten much food in ages. There was a rush of footsteps and I whirled around to see that the police were behind me. 'Here are the hostages,' I said, standing to one side. Nile Dok was staring right at me.

'So you wrote the letter?'

I nodded.

'Good. We have the group secured, all went to plan. Men, take her.'

I didn't comprehend what he had said until two soldiers marched in and grabbed each of my arms. They dragged me out of the cell, barely allowing me to walk for myself.

'Commander Dok-' I began in protest.

He silenced me. 'You can state your case in court.'

 **LEVI**

I sat in the middle of the chaos, unable to do anything. The Military Police were knocking the crowd to the ground, forcing their faces into the stone floor. Others fought back, and they were shot immediately. I was slumped in the spot that was almost my place of death. I was too weak to stand.

My eyes drifted to Novalie's brother. He was twisted on the ground, his dead eyes stared at the stars. He had been stabbed at least ten times…

The carnage turned from a nasty surprise, to a full on battle, to a line-up of handcuffed terrorists and and a sea of dead ones that they hadn't been able to contain. The 104th ran up to me in a flurry of panic and questions, but I didn't even acknowledge them. I craned my neck past Armin's legs as something caught my attention. Novalie was being practically dragged along by the police out of the basement. They stuck her in handcuffs and she didn't complain. Her eyes met mine, and I just stared at her.

She had called the police… Had she regretted it all? Or… Was she being forced this whole time? She looked totally fine with being in handcuffs, almost relieved. She nodded at me in respect. She had saved my life too.

 _'DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH LEVI,'_ she had said. I had never seen her so angry, and she just did it without even thinking.

I am past confusion.

'Captain Levi!'

I turned my head. Grace had pushed her way through the 104th and knelt by my side.

'Keep still, we are going to get you to hospital OK?' I nodded in silence, my eyes still on Novalie. Grace followed my gaze and gasped.

'Is that… KAMOKU?'

'Yes…'

'Oh my god, I thought she was dead! And why is she in handcuffs?!'

'Because she is a terrorist…' I replied, unsure of my own answer.

I think I passed out then, because I woke up in hospital. It took me a good five minutes to remember everything that had happened, and even then, it was hazy. A doctor came over to me.

'Hello Captain Ackerman. You are awake. I am glad to tell you you are on the mend. No long-term injuries are present.'

The antiseptic would have helped with that.

'What about Erwin?' I said, the raspiness of my own voice surprising me.

'The Commander is going to be just fine.'

I nodded and looked up at the ceiling. The memory of hot metal and the smell of burning skin flashed through my head and I shivered.

 **NOVALIE**

I sat in my cell, hugging my knees. Now I was the one incarcerated. I was still in shock that I had murdered Elias in a split second. There had only been one thought in my head: he must not hurt Levi.

It worked, too. All that suffering, it wasn't all for nothing. Elias and the LDSR were gone, and everyone was safe. I leant my head against the wall and shut my eyes.

It's all over now…


	42. Chapter 42 - Pleading Innocent

**Anyway, here is the court trial, and NEXT CHAPTER… OH HOH HOH I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT CHAPTER. I have had the entire storyline for the 2** **nd** **part in my head for MONTHS. I know everything that is going to happen from now onwards. I FEEL POWERFUL :D**

 **Anyway, *TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF AND DEPICTION OF AN INSTANCE OF SELF-HARM. ONLY TWO SENTENCES, THEY WILL BE IN BOLD***

 **Haaaaveee fuuuunnnn :D**

I craned my neck up at Darius Zackly. I was chained to the very same post Eren was all those months ago. The ceiling was high, the crests of the three walls emblazoned above Darius' head. His voice echoed into the ears of everyone in the court, the dark wood pillars in the corners of the room spiralling up high. It made me feel like I was at the bottom of a pit.

'The first charge is as follows,' he began. 'Conspiring against the Law, his Majesty, and the Scouting Regiment. How do you plead?'

'Innocent,' I said. I was being watched by so many. Even Levi and Erwin were present.

'The second charge… The aid in a terrorist act that killed fifty-five scouts.'

Damn, I can't lie… 'Guilty.'

'The third charge, the kidnapping of Captain Levi Ackerman.'

'Guilty.'

'The fourth and final charge, the torture of Captain Levi Ackerman.'

'…Guilty.'

'We shall now proceed with the trial,' Darius announced. 'Your name is Novalie Kansten, correct?'

'Yes Sir.'

'And you are the child of Carissa and Romery Kansten, correct?'

'Yes Sir.'

He shuffled his papers. 'When did you join the LDSR?'

'About six months ago…' I said, trying to speak loud enough for them to hear me. The pole was digging into my back and my shoulders were cramping.

'And why did you join them?'

'When Elias told me of their sheer power, I knew the Scouts would not be able to defeat them. I thought maybe I could dismantle them f-' Something stopped me speaking as I met Levi's intense stare.

'Go on,' Darius urged.

'I thought I could dismantle them from the inside… Betray them and shut them down…'

'Erwin, did you have any idea about this?' Darius turned to the stoic Commander.

Erwin, who was bandaged up on one side of his face with his arm in a sling, raised his head. 'No Sir.'

'Why did you not tell your Commander Miss Kansten, rather than doing something so rogue?'

'I thought it was too risky.'

'You did not trust his judgement?'

I realised then that that was exactly what I had done. I hadn't trusted my Commander's judgement.

'I didn't… No.' I glanced at Erwin, who was staring back passively.

'Can you explain your relationship to Elias Kansten?' Darius continued.

'He is my brother. I was under the impression he was dead until he approached me and requested I join him.'

'And how did you leave the Scouts without suspicion being raised as to your whereabouts?'

'I faked my death. An inside associate of Elias' replaced a body's tag with my name.'

'OK. So you wanted to betray them…' Darius was writing all of this down. 'Why wait six months?'

'I underestimated Elias' cautiousness. I wasn't allowed out anywhere on my own,' I explained.

'But you were after six months because…?'

'I had proved myself trustworthy.'

'How did you do that?'

'…I had to… Do terrible things…' I curled up a little, feeling sick.

'Such as?'

'Participating in his attacks, following his orders.'

'What part did you play in the massacre?'

'I was stationed on the castle wall, sending off flares to signal them all.'

 **LEVI**

My mind flashed back to the massacre. SHE was the one I was shooting at?! I was half glad I had missed now... I didn't know why though.

Darius frowned a little. 'So you did not harm anybody?'

'No.'

'Are there any witnesses that can atest to her alibi?' Darius scanned the courtroom.

 _I can._

I wavered. Should I…?

I stuck my hand in the air. 'I can Sir,' I began. 'I saw her on the wall and tried to shoot her.'

Darius looked down his glasses at me and nodded slowly. 'Did you know her identity at the time?'

'No.'

'Thank you Levi. Miss Kansten, you have a history of a lack of emotions. How did you feel after the massacre?'

'I was horrified.'

'You were not emotionless?'

'My emotions have been slowly returning over time, and that really affected me,' she glanced at me, as if to say _you know this too._

I stared straight back coldly.

'What is the next act you participated in?'

'I had to kidnap Levi…'

'And you willingly did so?'

'Unwillingly. I almost didn't.'

'Levi, can you give a recount of that night?'

All eyes were on me. I sighed quietly. 'She knocked on my door and announced it was her, and so I opened it. I was too busy with the realisation that she was alive to respond.' I said the last words bitterly, as if I should have known. 'She used this opportunity to stab me in the back of the neck with a tranquiliser. I fell unconscious and woke up in the fort.'

'Erwin, Hanji and Mike, what about you?'

Hanji spoke. 'They just stormed in on us and threatened us at gun point. Then they tranquilised us too.'

'Interesting. Why did you approach the situation differently Miss Kansten?'

'I was close to Levi…' She strained the words out. My frown deepened. 'And he is superior to me at combat. Elias thought it would be safer to trick him.'

'I see. So, what stopped you from explaining the situation to Levi there and then?' Yes Novalie, what DID stop you?

'I considered it… But if I had done so, Elias would have immediately gone into hiding with his troops and they would continue to attack the Scouts anonymously. This would have lead to us being wiped out, and my chance at taking him down would have been gone.'

Why do all her explanations MAKE SENSE?!

'Ah, right.' Darius nodded and wrote this down.

'And you did not earn yourself enough freedom by doing this?'

'No… He wanted one more thing from me.'

'And that was?'

'He wanted me to… Hurt Levi…' She hung her head in despair. What if this is all true? She really did have no escape… If she hadn't had joined them, there wouldn't BE a Scouting Regiment today. It was a massive out-of-proportion risk… But it worked.

'Can you describe this event to me?'

Novalie looked up at Darius in horror, but sucked in a breath and nodded.

'He made me choose a weapon… I chose the least painful thing there… A whip…' Her voice shook. 'But he wasn't satisfied, so I had to pick out a piece of metal that he heated up as well…'

'Continue.'

'I- I couldn't bare it…' Her voice cracked and she squeezed her eyes shut.

'I managed to… make it short-lived…'

'More detail please?'

'I- I… I had to whip him… And press a burning grill onto him…'

The crowd of court members murmured in shock. I saw quite a few giving me looks of sympathy and glared at them. _I don't need your pity._

'Levi, as the victim, do you have anything to add?'

I pondered for a moment. 'You told me once…' I was talking directly to Novalie now. She looked up at me nervously. 'That if anyone hurt someone you cared about… You would hurt them too.'

Novalie opened her mouth, but it took her a couple of seconds to make a sound. 'And I did…'

 _Wait, what?_

'What did you do Miss Kansten?' Darius sat forwards in his chair.

 **'I… Slashed my body with a razor.'**

'Can we see any proof?' Darius glanced up at the guard by the door.

She paused, then nodded, and the guard came over to un-handcuff her. She unbuttoned her shirt cuffs and pulled up her sleeves. She took off her boots and rolled up her trousers.

 **Her arms and legs were covered in deep, rugged gashes.**

I couldn't quite believe she had ACTUALLY done that to herself… And she hadn't lied at all so far… She maintained the integrity that has always shone out from her. And yet, what if it was all a trick to SEEM more believable?

'Thank you Miss Kansten.'

She pulled her trousers and sleeves back down and was chained back to the post.

'I have all the information I require. Can the prosecution please state their case?'

Nile Dok cleared his throat.

'We have no proof she is truly loyal to the State, only her word, and yet we have a guilty plead to three other severe charges. It only makes sense to execute her.'

I clenched my fists at my sides. Execute her? I didn't… want her… dead…

'Yes,' Darius mused. 'However, she has a flawless case that makes sense.'

'One's word is not enough to prove innocence,' Nile protested.

Darius wrote this down. 'Is there a case for defence?' The room was silent.

'But then of course, there is the letter to discuss,' he added.

The letter?

Nile spoke. 'She supposedly wrote the letter.'

'It has been confirmed Commander Dok, the court has done a handwriting check.'

Nile looked like he had been forced off his high horse. Darius continued. 'We must question why, if she is guilty of betraying his Majesty, she wrote that letter.'

'To make her seem innocent, of course,' Nile shrugged.

Letter? I could only asssume they meant when she called the Military Police.

'But she has brought down the entire LDSR, and if I am correct, you were in no way close to revealing their identity.'

Nile frowned. 'No, we weren't…'

'Then I see no motive.'

'What if she joined them at first, and then later regretted it? If that is the case, we don't know at what POINT she turned against them. The other three charges could have been carried out with her full loyalty to the LDSR.'

Nile was right, but Novalie shook her head to herself.

Darius looked thoughtful. 'That is very true. Alright, I have made up my mind.'

 **NOVALIE**

I held my breath.

'Novalie Kansten, for all four charges, I pronounce you…' He banged his gavel on the table. 'Guilty as charged.'

My entire body deflated. So this was it. This is the end of me.

 _Listen to me Novalie, you are my only child now. You are the survivor. Whatever happens, you must survive, do you understand?_

I'm sorry Mother, I failed you.

'Your sentence is: hanging by the neck until dead.'

It felt like someone had scooped out my insides. I was empty… I shot one more look at Levi. He stuck his hand in the air.

'Yes, Levi?'

'If you could prove she was telling the truth, what would her sentence be?' He asked. Erwin, who stood by him, tilted his head at him, looking perplexed.

'Why, I doubt it would have been much in comparison, if she could prove she did it all for the betterment of Humanity.'

'Then what if she IS telling the truth? You are killing someone that sacrificed a lot.' Levi seemed surprised at himself, unable to comprehend why the words he was saying were coming out of his mouth.

'Levi, are you defending her?'

'…Yes…' He said quietly.

'Why would the victim of her crimes do that?'

'I don't know…' He fell silent and frowned at the floor.

I was filled with a tiny bubble of confusion and relief that he was defending me. Doesn't he HATE me?

'Sir,' Erwin chimed in.

'Yes?' Darius replied.

'May I know the identity of the insider in the Scouts?'

Darius nodded and looked at me. 'Of course, Novalie?'

'Johnathon Beringer,' I said hollowly.

Erwin nodded. 'Thank you.'

I was un-cuffed roughly and dragged out of the courtroom. It seemed that the guards were just a tad bit more unfriendly after hearing all of that.


	43. Chapter 43 - Flying

**Hoi, thought I'd just give y'all another chapter. Idk why, but hey... I REALLY ENJOYED WRITING THIS ONE XD**

 **Trigger from last chapter was: Novalie showed the court that she self-harmed after hurting Levi.**

 **LEVI**

As we walked in silence back down the corridor of the court, Erwin caught my arm and steered me by my elbow around a corner. I frowned up at him.

'Levi, listen. You don't like the verdict, do you?'

'No,' I replied, wanting to say a whole fucking lot more about the verdict. I kept my mouth shut though.

'It's wrong, she is innocent,' he declared.

'How are you so sure?'

'Levi, you know her better than anyone, what makes the most sense to you? That she betrayed us, or that she went to incredible lengths to help us?'

'The second version,' I admitted. The circumstances may not have been enough for an innocent verdict in court, but being sensible, the second option is 99% the likely scenario.

'Wouldn't it be wrong to leave her to die? She is clearly innocent.'

'We can't prove that,' I reminded him.

'We are almost certain, and besides, do you want to see her get hanged?'

'No, but it's too late anyway isn't it?'

'We could do something…' Erwin had a faraway look in his eye, the kind of look that told me he was scheming.

'Whatever you are thinking, if it is against the law, forget it,' I snapped, really not fancying being the second person on that noose.

'I can't do it without you…'

'Why are you so desperate to save her?'

'Why aren't you?' He retorted.

'Don't,' I said in a warning tone, 'answer my question with a question.'

'Because my honour and my gut says it's wrong, and after all she has done for us, I CANNOT let her die.'

He sounded final.

'Are you with me or not?'

 **NOVALIE**

I stood under the eyes of hundreds of watchers, facing the noose hanging in front of me. It swung gently in the breeze innocently. As if it wasn't about to take my life. Bile rose in my throat and I gulped.

This is what I get for my hard work. You should never have done it Novalie… No, don't be selfish. You SAVED the scouts… We needed my input. I'll sacrifice myself if it means that more people can live.

Mother, Father, I'm coming to see you. We can be reunited once more. I am so sorry I failed you…

I never thought this would be the way I died…

I looked at the mix of faces staring back at me. Men, women, children, poor, rich, sombre, _excited._

 _Thanks for being excited to see my neck break._

A man stood up on the podium in front of me and the rope hanging in front of my face. He opened a scroll and started bellowing to the crowd about who I was and what I was being hanged for. For some reason, I caught myself looking for Levi. Some of the scouts were down there… My eye caught Grace's, she was nestled in the packed crowd, sobbing her eyes out.

Why are you crying for me Grace? You were in that court…

Silence.

The man had stopped speaking.

Oh shit, this is it. Every muscle in me tensed up, and it was all I could do to stand where I was. I found my eyes darting everywhere as a man in black – the executioner – grabbed the rope in front of me. I was trying to see as much as I could, taking in the colours and movements and sounds before I never saw anything again.

I heard a whizz, and, in my desperate escapade for sensory stimuli, I looked up to see something black flying at me. I almost _smiled_ when I realised what it was.

 _"Thank you_ ," I whispered into the air as my feet left the ground.

It had hit me, hard, knocking the air out of me and sweeping me off my feet. Arms folded around me and I felt my legs hitting thin air. I looked down, the noose and the gallows and the crowd were getting smaller and smaller in between my dangling feet, the ringing of ODM gear in my ears. The crowd gasped, their shocked faces following me as the person holding onto me soared over the houses and dived down out of their sight. The wind raked its icy hand through my hair, which was still less than shoulder length due to my frequent self-given haircuts. I was in shock. I should be dead by now, but instead, I was flying…

Someone had saved me.

We were inside Wall Sina, and the houses stood tall, proud, and regal. People milled about on the ground in their ridiculously expensive attire. We dived again, knocking a woman's hat off with the speed we were going at. She grabbed it in the air and gaped at us. It was probably the most exciting thing she had seen all day…

As we soared, I took in great gulps of air, as if all this time I had been suffocated and was barely breathing. I shut my eyes, a feeling of calm washing over me as I just flew… Flew in the arms of the mystery person that had saved my life.

As I opened my eyes a few minutes later, we slowed to a stop and the person put me on my feet. This area was a lot more run down, and we stood at a pair of massive gates with guards managing it. I got hit with a sense of familiarity before I realised where we were…

This is the entrance to the Underground…

I looked up at my saviour. They wore all black, a hood over their face. Clearly male in stature, quite tall…

They beckoned me with a gloved finger and walked towards the gates.

What was this? Someone that kidnapped criminals to join their gang? It has been known to happen, but not straight off the gallows.

I hesitated. The black space under their hood glinted as they opened their mouth, striding back up to me. I was rooted to the floor as they bent down and muttered to me 'I am saving your life.'

I didn't recognise his voice, but I nodded and followed him through the gate. Unlike my vague memories of taking hours to get through the borders on our way to the surface as a child, no one seemed to care when we entered. I crept into the dark tunnel beneath the ground, my chest constricting. I don't like this… Why am I following this man?

Maybe because I have no other choice… Nowhere else to go. I don't belong anywhere anymore.

We walked through endless tunnels and barriers, and I was trying to remember it. I didn't recognise much of it at all.

 _I squinted and covered my eyes. It was so bright!  
Daddy gripped my hand and stopped walking, looking back at the gate we had just come out of. I clung to his leg nervously, breathing in his warm scent. He put his big hand on my head._

 _'We are free Novalie…'_

 _I could hear my Mother's gentle sobs of relief, but my eyes were fixed only on the stained, miserable gate. The guards were stoic-faced. We had lived down there… And now we are up here in this really really bright place…_

I eventually plucked up the courage to talk to the man.

'Why are you helping me?'

He did not reply.

I really wanted to know. ' You broke the law for me, why?'

Silence.

I gave up and let my thoughts wander, when finally he spoke. 'I am following orders.'

'Do you even know who I am?' He stopped suddenly, making me skid to a halt before I crashed into him, and he whirled to face me.

'Of course I know who you are idiot. You are Novalie Kansten. I watched your trial.'

I stared up at him blankly.

'I don't know who YOU are though.'

'You aren't supposed to. Hurry up.' He stalked down the passage and we came to another gate. Behind this one was the vast caverns and tiny twinkling lights of the Underground. I sucked in a breath as we sidled through the gate.

'What, you never seen poverty?' The man asked, his voice dripping with scorn.

I didn't answer him, only gawped at the familiar streets. The smell of dampness and people wasting away hit me and I almost staggered. Bitter memories filled my head. I hung back behind him, not wishing to give him the satisfaction of seeing me unnerved. I hugged myself protectively and picked my way past the shrivelled, pale legs of someone slumped against a wall that I didn't wish to look too closely at. The streets were eerily quiet, only the sound of dogs barking and children crying echoing around the cavern. The houses were like brown bricks, all stacked together messily with tiny windows punched in the walls. Shadows were painted over everything, and everyone. I forgot how dim it was down here…

He slipped into an alley that was more like the space between two buildings, and I followed. He reached a damp little door and unlocked it, shouldering it open. I stood in the doorway to his dimly lit, simple little room.

'Well,' said the man, 'get the fuck in here.'

I shuffled in. He shut the door behind me. I waited for a click.

He didn't lock it.

'Wait here,' he informed me. 'It's VERY dangerous down here, DON'T leave the house.'

'I know.'

He paused, letting out an irritated sigh. I was still staring at his hood. 'No, you don't.'

'I grew up here,' I said, sighing myself.

He fell silent for a second too long, then the floorboards creaked in the silence as he shifted his weight. 'Whatever, don't leave. You are wanted and a perfect target.'

He was right, I was a small woman, relatively healthy-looking, I looked like I had money, and people would certainly steal my clothes straight off of me.

I nodded, expecting him to show his face to me finally. But he didn't.

He reached the door in two strides.

'They will be here soon.'

And with that, he left, leaving me in the gloom with the door keys. I did the smart thing and locked myself in.

About three hours later, the bolt on the door rattled. I jumped to my feet from the dust-thick table in the middle of the room.

There were voices from the other side of the door. 'It's locked.'

'Of course it's fucking locked, she's not stupid.'

My heart skipped a beat.

I know that voice.


	44. Chapter 44 - Uncanny Alliance

**HIIIII. It is Thrusday, yay! This chapter was kinda random, the situation is so different now! I think Novalie needed it though, it was Elias' time to die back there. XD**

 **Anyway, fun fact: According to Isayama, Levi is the most emotional character in AoT, he just doesn't show it ;)**

 **P.S. THE REVIEWS... THERE ARE SO MANY IT IS KILLING ME... (In a good way of course XD)**

Have they found me to take me back to the gallows?

'Oi, Novalie, let us in,' Levi snapped.

Erwin spoke. 'We aren't going to hurt you. We aren't taking you back either.'

I didn't have the will to resist. I crept over to the door and unlocked it with a click. I paused. They didn't try to force their way in… I opened the door. The two men were standing outside, both in black cloaks with the hoods up and clothing that had seen better days. I didn't have any words for them. Levi brushed past me and strode in. He took one look at the place and grumbled.

'It's filthy…'

I stepped back as Erwin followed. He was a lot bigger than Levi and couldn't simply slip past me. He closed the door behind him. 'I expect you will go and clean it all now, won't you?' Erwin sighed and looked over at Levi, who was already rummaging around looking for cleaning supplies.

We both stared at him.

'I thought so,' Erwin said.

'What is going on?' I asked quietly.

'Well,' Erwin said. 'It has come to our attention that you saved the entire Scouting Legion. You don't deserve the gallows for that.'

'You just broke the law,' I pointed out.

'Yeah,' Levi said, standing up with a threadbare broom in his hand, 'that's how passionate he is about your survival…'

His voice was somewhat cold and detached, and yet here he was, too, breaking the law for me. He started gingerly sweeping the floor, batting dust particles away from him as they flew from the floor.

I remembered something then.

'Levi, I have something for you…'

 **LEVI**

I glanced up at her. Out of her sleeve she pulled something white. She held it out to me.

'I took it off you when I came down to put the antiseptic on to keep it safe; I had to hide it from the guards in prison…'

It was my cravat. I thought it was gone… I wordlessly took it from her, narrowing my eyes in her direction. She did that for me… Again ?

'I thought Elias would take it so…' She trailed off and shrugged. I looked down at it.

 _I thought I had lost the last part of you I have, Mother…_

Yet again, she had given it back to me after I thought it was gone. My mind flashed back to the night that she showed up, shivering and soaking wet to my door, holding it out to me. She had walked ten miles in the dark and jumped into a dangerous river for this thing…

'Well, Novalie, let me explain a few things,' Erwin snapped me out of my trance. I put the cravat in my pocket and carried on cleaning the god-awful floor.

'You are in hiding right now. We are currently coming up with a way to prove your innocence, but for now, this should be a good hiding place. No one is going to think to look here.'

'I don't blame them,' I mumbled to myself. Of all places, we are shoving her in this shit-hole? I suppose she will be safe. Well, from the law anyway…

'I don't understand,' Novalie said, frowning. 'Don't you hate me?'

'For doing all that for us? No way,' Erwin shook his head firmly. I glanced up; she was looking at me expectantly.

'I'm close Kansten,' I said. It was a lie, I wasn't even close to hating her. Something couldn't bring me to do it. An absurd part of me even wanted to forgive her.

Maybe… It isn't that absurd…

Erwin explained to her that she needed to change her appearance and "blend in" with Underground natives, and lie low. He pulled out the clothes we had obtained. She nodded and wandered off with them.

'Levi, can you forgive her?' Erwin asked.

I didn't answer.

'If not, can you at least work with her?'

'If I couldn't, why would I be here?' I said.

It burnt like fire to be sweeping the floor. My entire upper body constantly roared with pain, but I forced myself to ignore it.

 **NOVALIE**

It was an old, patched up dress, and was slightly too big on me. Perfect. I looked at myself in the dusty mirror in the tiny bedroom I was in. I hadn't worn a dress since I was seven. It seemed childish, perhaps because I always associated dresses with the days when I was a child in both my mind and my body. The dress was pale blue, faded from its original, perhaps slightly less pale, blue. There were brown patches messily sown onto it to cover up rips and holes, and the lace trim around the top was no longer white, but more of a grubby off-white. My shoes were battered ankle boots, simple and brown. Thank goodness those actually fit me. I flung a woollen shawl on the small bed scruffily made on the floor. There was another bed next to it. I came back out awkwardly, trying not to trip over the hem, which was down to my ankles.

Levi was cleaning the table cloth of dust that had settled on the table. Erwin was looking out of the window gravely.

'This place is so grim, I haven't been down in years…' He said quietly.

'Not since you dragged me up I expect,' Levi muttered.

'Dragged you up?' I asked, leaning against the wall.

'Yes, Levi was a thug down here before we caught him,' Erwin told me, not taking his eyes off the tiny window. So the rumours were true.

'And blackmailed me…'

'We gave you a choice.'

'Well it wasn't much of a choice was it?' he snapped.

'You two…' I sighed, talking more to Levi. 'You are doing my head in.'

Levi scowled at me. 'We are doing YOUR head in? Oh I'm sorry…' His voice was laced with sarcasm.

I shrunk back. I didn't like being snapped at by him. It hurt like a hot knife. He seemed a little taken aback by my reaction and his face slackened.

'If you could go into my head right now Levi…' I stood up straight. 'You would run outta there and never go back again.'

He stared at me.

'After what I had to do, do you not think I hate myself?' I continued, my voice raising in both pitch and volume.

'I know you, so I do. But that's a stupid idea.'

'Why?'

'Because it doesn't solve anything.'

'I know that,' I said, getting impatient. _Don't tell me what I already know Levi._ 'Although if I hadn't done that to you, he would have killed you,' I said.

Erwin turned to us and cut in. 'What would you have done in her position Levi?'

'Killed the bastard sooner,' he spat.

'I wanted to kill him, I really did. For ages. But if I had, the LDSR would have continued on without him. It wouldn't have solved anything…'

'Exactly. She couldn't have done much,' Erwin spoke in my defence.

'That doesn't…' I trailed off. They were both staring at me. 'I was still wrong… It was still horrible…'

Levi relented. 'I could tell by your face you weren't enjoying it.'

'ENJOYING it? Levi, it killed me! I never ever wanted to hurt you. Ever.' I was surpried at the firmness with which it came out.

Levi, yet again, was taken aback by my tone. 'You aren't emotionless anymore are you?'

'No, thanks to all this happening, I'm not.'

There was a tense silence.

I turned my heel and made for the door. I needed to be alone, away from this situation.

'Where do you think you're going?' Levi asked.

'Out.'

'Are you crazy?'

'Yes.' I slammed the door behind me. The street was dark and damp and full of dead-looking people that dragged their feet as they walked.

I marched along it with no idea where I was going. I took care to note which way I went however – I did NOT want to get lost here. The locals stared at me in either awe or distaste, probably because I looked so healthy. I had marched to the other end of the street and down two alleys when I passed a quiet building with a bench outside it. I stopped dead, frowning at it.

Why do I recognise that bench…? I glanced up at the building, and realised it was a brothel. Narrowing my eyes at it, I tried to decipher why the hell I recognised a brothel.

Of course.

That bench is where I came across Kuchel Ackerman. I walked up to the bench and sat down, looking at the spot that I had climbed up onto when I was little to talk to the woman that sat where I was sitting now.

'If you are thinking of workin' here, we would take ya.' I glanced up. A slim, pale man with slanted, piercing eyes looked me up and down.

I was about to tell him "no thank you", but I remembered where I was. I stood up. 'I'm no prostitute, so don't even ask,' I said as firmly as I could. Aggression would have been better, but I couldn't muster it.

He scowled and stepped forwards. 'You would make a lot of money...' I stepped back warily, when a small hooded figure leapt on him and slammed him into the wall.

'Get out of here you scum,' they hissed. The man was in shock. The figure grabbed him and shoved him vehmently into the door. The pimp backed off and shut the door behind him.

'What the hell are you doing here…?' The figure turned to me. He had a familiar icy voice.

I straightened up. 'I can fight my own battles. I don't need you getting hurt.'

'Tch, hurt? I lived here a hell of a lot longer than you Novalie, I know what I am doing.'

'Shame,' I admitted, looking at the door wistfully. 'I wanted to hit him.'

Levi was silent for a second. 'Why?'

'You don't recognise this place, do you?'

'Of course I bloody do!' He snapped. 'I don't want to be around it either, so get your ass back.' He jerked his hooded head in the direction of the house.

'Levi, I can take c-'

'Shut the fuck up, I'm not ASKING you.'

He was pitiless. I hunched my shoulders without realising it and turned back in the direction of the house.

 **LEVI**

The place did more than give me the creeps. I could remember my Mother looking like she wanted to be sick as she drifted through the door, the sounds of drunken men billowing out as she opened it. I had always held onto her dress, and she would hand me over to the woman behind the bar,who would sit me on a stool and tell me to keep my mouth shut. All night I would see my Mother going up and down the stairs with different men, some of them being rough with her and tugging her up the stairs. Her expression had always made me cry, which earned me a dishcloth around the head from the barmaid.

As we walked, I hissed, 'I am trying to lay low down here, and you are wanted, you can't go walking around like you own the place.'

'Stay inside Levi. You can't be seen with me,' she replied stubbornly.

'What, did you expect me to leave you out there?!'

'Yes,' she replied simply.

'Why the hell would I do that?' My heart sunk to think she thought that of me.

She said in an empty voice, 'why should you care anymore?'

'I broke the law to save your damn life, is that not enough for you?'

'I'm asking _why_.' She stopped dead and pierced me with her gaze.

I sighed, forcing myself to be patient. 'I get why you did all that stuff to us. You have had your punishment in your own head, and you are still…' I trailed off. She waited, what did she want to hear? '…I take back what I said before you left. I can't just ignore you. Besides, I left you alone and even so, you never returned the favour…' I admitted. She had never stopped trying with me. Ever.

 _You think_ you _couldn't be a good friend? Try being ME._ I had said that to her once and she hadn't cared.

I snapped out of it and hurriedly pulled her back down the alley.


	45. Chapter 45 - The Will to Live

**HOI PEEPS. WELCOME TO TEM SHO-**

 **GTFO OF HERE!**

 **Hello folk, welcome to CHAPTER 45! I hope this re-upload will not mess up like the other one XD Idk what I did wrong that made it go all code-y.**

 **You know, this chapter is a WHOLE BUNCH OF CHEERFUL, and to celebrate, I am gonna give you a massive, great:**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER STRONGLY GOES INTO THE TOPIC OF SUICIDE, I CAN'T PUT IT IN BOLD 'CAUSE THE WHOLE FUCKIN' THING WOULD BE HIGHLIGHTED!***

 **If you want to skip this chapter, I will summarise it in the next chapter. Otherwise, VOILA!**

 **NOVALIE**

A scream flooded from my lips and my body flew into motion. All I uttered amidst my yelling was 'NO!'

The cool air hit me, raising goosebumps on my skin. Dust particles flew around in front of me. I was on the floor in my makeshift pile of blankets in the Underground. Realising that I wasn't hurting Levi, I exhaled.

'My fucking ears…'

I looked to my left. Levi was propped up on his arm on the bed next to me, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand.

'Sorry…' My voice was barely audible.

He shrugged. 'What was it?'

'You,' was all the came out of my mouth. Levi scowled.

'Wow, I am glad to know I am a nightmare to you,' he sneered.

'Hurting you… I mean…'

He dropped his glare at that. Nodding slowly, he fell back onto the pillow. His every move was so graceful, I noticed. The way he walked, moved, he always had an elegance about him. I was always deliberate and clumsy, grace simply wasn't in my dictionary.

'Go back to sleep,' he commanded. I knew I wouldn't be able to, but I lay down and turned to face the wall. Every minute of being in his aura of coldness was breaking me in two. I wanted someone to blame, and I could only blame myself.

It's always my fault.

There was a silence in which I stared into space and Levi stared at the ceiling. I was busy lost in (all negative) thought when he said, 'I hid all the sharp stuff in the house.'

I took a minute to take this in. 'OK…' I said pathetically. So Levi had noticed – not what I was intending.

Levi left the next day. He said he would be in and out of the house. Erwin had already gone and was not going to come very often – it was too much of a risk. Levi drummed it firmly into me NOT to leave the house, and though I was very tempted to, I didn't want to piss him off any more. I suppose it frustrated him that I simply didn't really care. Life got less and less precious to me as the days went on, until I didn't see a point. I didn't have Levi's respect – which I probably never will have again. Screw you Novalie. I was so torn, one side of me saying _you saved the entire regiment_ , the other saying _how could you DO all of that?_

There was one day… I lost count of the dates and days down here, when the last thread broke in me. I couldn't be bothered with the agony of another day, and so, without having anything in my head, I went outside.

I made straight for the side of the building I was living in and hitched up my dress, climbing the wall. There were enough foot and hand holds, and when I lost my footing by slipping on my dress and almost fell, I found myself not really caring.

I had gotten to the top, looking over the Underground, and when I looked down, I saw a painless place… It was far below me, a dizzying space on the road. All I had to do was jump into it. The dirty pavement beckoned me. The roof was flat, surrounded by a low wall, which I was standing on.

I had nothing left in my life.

My stablity had gone.

My best friend had gone.

I am just a hindrance, I am going to get them in so much trouble.

I'd be better off dead.

Yes, I will remove the danger in their lives.

I swayed. People started to yell and point at me from the street. I didn't take any notice. I was in a trance, I just wasn't thinking about anything but ending everything. I closed my eyes and leaned forwards, tipping too far to catch myself. _No going back._

I hit a pair of arms that yanked me back and my feet toppled back over the wall.

I gasped as I fell, but someone had a hold of me and steadied me. I was frozen, I couldn't move.

They murmured in my ear. 'I don't know what you think you are doing, but NEVER do that again.' Their voice had a tremor to it, and a snarl. _Levi._

I couldn't even respond to him. I had gone slack.

'Stand up,' he ordered. I couldn't do it. I had lost the will to even stand. He gave up and propped me up against the wall. I slumped against it, staring into space. It felt like I was split from reality, in another realm. Maybe this is death and I have already jumped…

He crouched in front of me. 'Oi, Novalie!' My eyes lazily drifted to his face. He looked like he did when I approached him with the burning grill…

…Scared.

'What are you doing?!' He demanded.

'Doing the world a favour,' I replied quietly.

'No, you are NOT doing anyone a favour. '

'But… Then you won't have to break the law… You can pretend it never happened.'

'I don't care about that.'

'Why did you save me? What am I even good for?' A tidal wave of emotions hit me and I hugged my knees protectively.

'A lot of things.'

'Why are you saying all this to me?!' I could hear my voice crack. 'You don't even… That's not true… There's no point… There's nothing…'

Levi grumbled something under his breath and pulled me to my feet. I rocked on my ankles, but he held me steady.

'Come down.' He wasn't asking. I shook my head as I felt my legs collapse under me and I fell hard on my knees. The pointlessness of my life hit me like a ton of bricks falling from above. Levi was looking down at me in shock.

 **LEVI**

She was totally… Broken…

I knelt to her level, her eyes were dull and empty, glistening with tears. Any anger inside me seemed to be absent in that moment. I just saw her as someone I cared about, I loved, like a sister, almost. And this woman, that never ever stopped once she had committed to something, had just given in…

Something snapped then inside me. I could FEEL it. I hadn't realised it was there before, just whatever it was, it was gone.

I put my hands on her shoulders, they were tense and hunched. I didn't care about the fact that the floor was dirty, and so were the clothes I was wearing, I just knelt in front of her and looked her in the eye until she met my gaze.

'I am doing this for you Novalie. If you had nothing, you would have been hanged at the gallows with no one to save you. People still care.'

'Do you… Still care?' She asked, her voice barely audible.

I supressed a sigh. 'Yes, idiot.'

Her eyes brightened slightly. 'I never stopped caring…'

'I know.' She hunched up, I had NEVER seen her like this… She was distraught… She put her head on my shoulder, her body shaking. I stopped dead.

What.

Do.

I.

Do?

My head told me what it always has told me to do: _go with your instinct._

Sliding my hands from her shoulders to her back and pulling her towards me, I slowly realised what I was doing.

This woman, that, a few weeks ago, I hated, I was HUGGING.

I don't hug people, full stop.

But here I bloody was…

She was tiny, there was barely anything of her. It reminded me of the day the squad died and she'd hugged me.

I hadn't known how to react, but it almost made me burst into tears and so I had held my breath.

Now she is the broken one. Well, they say this is what friends are for, right?

'What can I do to stop hurting you?' She murmured into my neck. I was silent for a long time. My brain seemed slow at processing anything.

'Stop hurting yourself.'

'OK…' She said weakly.

'Promise me.'

'I…Promise… I'll try…'

 **NOVALIE**

My heart stopped thundering. Levi's heart knocked on his chest and reached mine. Right now, in this moment, I wanted to live. I also wanted to cry, because I knew if Levi didn't mean this, he wouldn't be doing it. Even if he thought it was going to stop me jumping – that's not why he'd do it.

I felt completely safe. I didn't care that we were on a roof in the Underground City and I was a wanted woman. Right at that moment, I felt like nothing could possibly touch me. Affection was alien to me, ESPECIALLY from Levi, but I was so grateful, and I had forgotten just how much it had always meant to me. I had forgotten how if I was scared or upset, I would dive right into my Mother's arms, or curl up on my Dad and fall asleep. After all I had done, he would still do this for me: he really is a miracle.

He broke away and guided me to my feet. I could just about stand. He led me down the stairs on the outside of the building and back in the front door, keeping a grip on my arm. He was probably afraid I was going to either jump or fall. I did neither, and he made me a cup of tea and dumped it in front of me at the table. He refused to look at me, busying himself with cleaning things that didn't need cleaning. After about half-an-hour of me staring into my cup, he sat down.

'You aren't going to drink that, are you?' He asked. There was a little harshness in his tone. I silently pushed it towards him. He took it and sipped it, grimacing.

'Ugh, it's gone cold…'

He pushed it away from him, and it was abandoned.

Levi exhaled and raked a hand through his hair. 'I timed my arrival well, didn't I?' he grumbled.

I shrugged. 'Yeah…'

Levi got increasingly impatient. 'Come on, for god's sake! Where did Novalie that didn't stop for Jesus go?'

I blinked at him, wondering what he meant.

'You insisted on cleaning the kitchen with a concussion, you ran until you collapsed, you tried to fight a horde of murerous people with the flu,' he blurted. He had easily listed three instances off the top of his head.

'They are all physical things…' I pointed out.

'So?'

'It's different… You don-' I stopped talking. I had almost had the audacity to tell him he didn't understand. _Of course he does._ 'You know what I mean…'

'Yeah, the hurting, the jumping, the nightmares, the mental pain, the giving up, _I get it,_ ' he said.

We spent about ten seconds just staring at one another. Just each other's blank faces. I felt tears well up behind my eyes.

'You are going to dig yourself out of this hole Novalie.' I was surprised that he wasn't even MORE angry at me than before. He wasn't any LESS angry, but not more either…

I nodded, hesitantly at first, then vigourously. _You have been here before and you escaped. That means you can do it again._

'Yeah, I am,' I stood up. Levi looked mildly surprised.

'Step one,' Levi sighed. 'Get the will to fucking live.'


	46. Chapter 46 - We Are One

***TRIGGER NOTICE: Last chapter's entire theme was suicide. Novalie had been pushed to the edge mentally, and Levi had to stop her from ending it all. He also hugged her, which I enjoyed writing a lot!***

 **ANYWAY!**

 **ALRIGHT THAT'S IT. YOU'VE DONE ME IN PPL.**

 **Your reviews made me CRY.**

 **I am just this random person that loves to write that went "I tink I'll put me writin' online!" AND I GET THESE AMAZING RESPONSES - WTF?!**

 **I am INFINITELY grateful, I really really am…**

 **Also… So the reason I started writing this story was because I wanted to find a fanfiction that didn't have romance in but did have Levi in (which is pretty damn impossible let's be real). So I thought WELL FUCK THIS I'LL WRITE MY OWN 100% PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP STORY THING!**

 **BUT.**

 **You guys have mentioned it now… And I am wondering… Should I take their relationship a step further? It would unlock SO MANY new doors to their minds and would develop their characters, although my original intentions were for it to be a friendship that was almost like brother/sisterhood. If I did, I would probably make it a separate fic, and it would most likely be short… Or maybe I could just continue this one…? Maybe even a non-canon alternate ending thing? Reading what Isayama has said about Levi and romance… It would be really tricky… Plus, I don't think I can imagine Novalie being anything but asexual.**

 **IDK PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINIONS AND I WILL DECIDE.**

 **WHEW, THIS CHAPTER IS LONG. It is mostly just repairing Novalie and Levi's relationship. I am saving the action for later… EHEHEHEHEHE. *Cough* Sorry… I had something stuck in my throat… ._.**

 **One more thing, I am curious as to how old you reckon I am, idk why… ;)**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING: JUST A COUPLE BITS THAT ARE KINDA IFFY, ON THE SUBJECT OF SUICIDE, THEY WILL BE HIGHLIGHTED IN BOLD AND GODDAMN I LOVE CAPITAL LETTERS***

'Novalie, wake up!' My eyes shot open. I felt the chill of sweat on my back and when the world came into focus I saw Levi staring down at me, his hair framing his face.

'Huh…?' I slurred sleepily.

'I thought you were being murdered…' He sat back on his heels.

'Oh, nightmare again?' I propped myself up on my elbows.

'Must have been, don't you remember it?'

I shook my head. I had no memory of it, but from the way my hands were shaking and my heart was pumping, I didn't have to wonder.

I sat up and went to wrap my arms around myself habitually, but Levi prised one of them away from me. He pulled my sleeve up and scanned his eyes up and down it.

'You are getting better.'

I nodded, deep in thought and not really listening. There was a sharp rap on the door.

Tap, tap, taptap.

That specific pattern meant Erwin was here.

Pulling my sleeve back down, Levi jumped up to answer the door and I got up myself.

It had been a week since he had gotten me down from the roof, and he had given up being angry with me. We were back to communicating as one, like our days in the Scouts. God, I never knew what I had back then, until it was gone.

I brushed my hair through with my fingers and smoothed out my dress. I really hated wearing it, but hey, I wasn't complaining. It was my disguise.

Coming into the kitchen, Erwin nodded to me.

'How have you been Novalie?'

'Good,' I said automatically.

'Glad to hear. I have brought something…' Erwin reached into his pocket and pulled out a rolled up piece of parchment. He flattened it out with his large hands on the table and we all peered at it.

A rather accurate drawing of my face was depicted in the middle.

 _WANTED – DEAD OR ALIVE_

 _NOVALIE KANSTEN – Convicted terrorist - may be armed - may be accompanied - trained soldier – dangerous – blonde hair – scar on left cheek – hazel eyes – 4'11"_

 _15,000 reward_

'Better run you two…' I muttered. 'I am dangerous.'

Levi smirked. 'Did you just make a JOKE?'

'No no,' I pointed to the poster with a dead serious face. 'It's fact, look!'

Levi turned his head away from me, but failed to hide the fact that his smirk had widened. I was pretty proud of myself, not going to lie.

Erwin frowned at us disapprovingly. 'This is not funny, things have escalated.'

I shrugged. 'It was only a matter of time…'

'Luckily, there are no posters down here. You haven't made a spectacle of yourself at all down here have you Novalie?'

Levi and I exchanged looks, remembering the people yelling at me up on the roof.

No one spoke.

'What happened?' Erwin's voice had gone deeper.

'Something… That drew attention to her…' Levi mumbled.

'And you are reluctant to tell me the details because…?'

'Novalie doesn't seem to want you to know.'

All eyes were on me. I felt compelled to speak, but had no idea how to wriggle out of this one. I really didn't want Erwin to know…

'It'll be fine…'

 _Nailed it._

Levi gave me a weary look. I shrugged apologetically.

Erwin sighed. 'Just… Keep an eye out for trouble…'

'Right.'

Erwin stayed for a cup of tea, and had brought more tea with him, to Levi's relief.

'Hey Levi?' I asked.

'What?' He put the dishcloth on the counter and fell into a chair opposite me.

'Two questions… Firstly, I don't know if you saw, but Grace was crying at my execution… Why?'

'She is convinced they made a mistake… She is really loyal to you.'

I raised my eyebrows. After all she had seen… She thought they were WRONG?

'Second question… Who was it that brought me down here?'

Levi shrugged. 'Random associate of mine.'

'So now he knows about me,' I frowned. 'That's a risk…'

'He's dead,' Erwin said. I blinked at him.

'How?'

'He was dying anyway,' Levi explained boredly. 'He wanted to die, and agreed to save you in exchange for euthanisation.'

 _That is messed up._

'So… Who killed him?'

'I did,' Levi said.

'You killed a man?'

'I was doing him a favour. He was suffering.'

Levi was totally calm, as if this really didn't bother him.

 **LEVI**

Novalie and I just talked for hours at the table. Erwin had dropped off his supplies and left, and we were stuck trying not to get bored to death in this shithole.

'It's all just whirling around my head and I don't even know what to feel,' Novalie ranted, raking a hand through her hair as she explained her inner turmoil. I decided to just let her vent. She was pretty much describing my own brain.

'Don't feel guilty about it,' I said. 'You took a risk, and you didn't know what the outcome would be. None of us ever do. And I wouldn't exactly say you made the wrong decision either…'

'You don't think so?'

'No. We might all be dead if you hadn't joined your brother,' I pointed out. Her gaze flickered from one object to another around the room as she thought about it.

'Yes, I suppose.'

'Talking of your brother… I thought you said he had killed himself?'

'That's what I was told. He actually joined a gang, but my parents didn't want Nina and I to follow in his footsteps,' she explained. She used to look me in the eye and just tell me straight when she talked, but now her eyes darted everywhere. She was nervous and restless. I knew the feeling.

'I see. You stabbed him to death you know… Your own brother.'

'Of course I know. I had wanted to do that for ages, and of course, I had to protect you in that moment.'

I watched as she fidgeted. 'Stop it,' I said. 'You are safe here.' She nodded and sat still, but I knew my words hadn't changed anything for her. In her eyes was the familiar look of uncertainty. I recognised it from the moment I first looked her in the eye.

'We can only take one day at a time…' I sat back and picked up my teacup. I thought about what I did when I over-thought something. _She needs a distraction._

'Hey, d'you know why I hold my cup like this?' I asked in a pitiful attempt to get her to think about something else. She shook her head.

'Well…' I gulped down the last bit of tea in the bottom of the cup and placed it back down. 'Once I saved up for a tea set… I had saved up for AGES, and as soon as I picked the damn thing up… The handle broke off.' Novalie was listening intently. The look in her eyes had faded. It worked.

She reached for her own cup and copied me, lifting it awkwardly. 'My hand is in the way… How do you even drink like this?'

'Practice Kansten,' I replied simply.

It had been hard to watch her this past week. I hadn't dared leave, in case I came back and she had done something stupid. Not only that, but leaving her alone in that state of mind… It would be cruel. I had wanted to say so many things to her. I wanted to explain her brain to her like she always did to me, but I knew if I tried, the words wouldn't come out right. They never do **. I wanted to tell her about the time that I tied a noose and sat on the windowsill with it around my neck.** I wanted to tell her that with every time she woke up screaming, I had done the same the previous night. I wanted to tell her that no matter how much guilt she felt, and how much she was stumbling around in the darkness of her own head…

The light is always there…

You gotta look bloody hard for it sometimes, but without fail, there is always light.

Maybe one day I will be able to tell her that….

She folded her arms and hunched forwards, rocking a little in her seat.

'You cold?' I asked. She nodded. I looked at my pocket watch.

'It's eleven. I'm going to bed.'

'I'll come too.'

I took off my waistcoat, she took off her overskirt, and we both buried ourselves in blankets. It was pretty damn cold down here, and it was warmer underground, so it must be freezing on the surface.

I could feel myself dropping off to sleep after about an hour, and Novalie was on her side, fiddling with a piece of her hair. She was shivering still. Drowsily, I got up and shuffled to the kitchen, grabbing the black cloak that I always wore outside. I came back in and draped it on top of her. She looked up at me gratefully.

'Thank you.'

I waved it away dissmissively and fell back into my own bed. After a long time of tossing and turning, I fell asleep.

When my eyes finally opened, I realised Novalie was not in bed. Still feeling as if I had to supervise her, I got up and trudged into the kitchen. She wasn't there either. The bathroom was empty too.

Shit, she isn't in the house.

'Novalie!' I called.

Silence. Cursing, I grabbed my cloak off the wall and pulled up the hood, running into the narrow alley. I scanned the street, then I looked up.

There she was, standing on the roof, swaying back and forth. My heart leaping, I bolted up the flimsy metal stairs, clawing my way up as fast as I could. Reaching the top, she looked back at me, and tipped forwards. I got a feeling of déjà vu as I threw myself at her, but my arms closed around nothing and I fell forwards onto the wall. I hung over it, and gaped at her as she fell. **She hit the ground**.

I yelped in anguish. I was too late, I was too l-

Why am I in bed?

'Hey, Levi, you OK?' It was the sound of Novalie's voice, which, at that moment, was music to my ears. Seeing that she was curled up in the corner with her blankets encasing her like a cocoon, I sagged in sheer relief. _She's fine._

I nodded quietly, although we both knew this wasn't true. My breathing was so fast it was scaring me. The chill of the early hours hit me too, and I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down.

 _Stop it Levi, for god's sake calm down._

'Focus on your breathing,' she instructed calmly, and I felt myself being wrapped in my own cloak. It had been so vivid… I stared up at her passive face, trying to get it into my head that she was alive and in front of me. The light of a candle on the table by the door illuminated one side of her cheekbone, the other shrouded in darkness. Her eyes glowed almost golden in this light, her mouth set in a thin line.

'Wanna tell me what it was about?' She sat back in the corner and curled her coarse blankets around her. The candle dipped and flickered.

'You died.'

Her face fell. 'You have already gone through that once in real life...'

'Yeah and it bloody sucked,' I grumbled. My breathing had slowed significantly.

'Sorry…'

'Don't be,' I muttered, turning onto my front.

'Nightmares… We have had them for years but…' She shook her head. 'You never get used to them, never outsmart them. They always get you. Every single time.'

She hit the nail on the head there. 'Yeah, you always think it's real when you are in them,' I added.

'Even if the dream makes no sense.'

'This one wasn't totally outrageous. I just woke up and you were gone…'

'Gone?' She inquired. I knew what would happen if I told her. I knew how she worked. She would blame herself.

'Dead…' I shrugged. 'Doesn't matter anyway.'

She suddenly changed the subject. 'Do you remember when I gave you a broom for your thirty-fifth?'

'Yeah…'

She looked thoughtful, as if reminiscing.

'You laughed,' she said, pride in her voice.

'Yeah, you've seen all sides of me, I hope you are happy.'

'I am,' she nodded.

'I haven't seen all of your sides,' I mumbled. I had half-hoped she hadn't heard, but no such luck.

'Let's see. You have seen me angry, sad, panicked, worried, scared, guilty… What more do you want?'

'Happiness would be nice,' I sighed.

'Oh, that. Yeah, I don't tend to show it.'

I rolled my eyes and retorted, 'you were the one that lectured me on "showing your emotion".'

'I am not happy enough for it to translate physically.'

That shut me up. I really didn't know how to respond to that. I wondered what the hell she would look like if she smiled, what her laugh sounded like.

'I haven't since… I was fourteen, maybe?'

'That sounds pretty miserable,' I said.

'Well, matches my life then doesn't it? These past two odd years though… They have been the best years of my life…'

I blinked a few times.

'Why's that?' I murmured.

'Well,' she lay back down, curling up. 'You were in them.' She closed her eyes.

I continued to stare at her in awe, her words slowly sinking in.


	47. Chapter 47 - Comrades

**Wow. Just wow. I can't quite believe we are here… All this year I have been writing this, and we are so far down the line! THANK YOU ALL FOR JOINING THE RIDE!**

 **HAAAAAAAVE A CHAPTER**

 **Also 'cause I'm on holiday rn, you might just get more chapters than usual. I mean, it isn't exactly Thursday today is it? IT IS CHHRRRRIIISSSTTMAAASSSS EEEVVEEE! :3**

 **MERRY CHRISTMAS IF YOU CELEBRATE IT! IF YOU DON'T… Well, Merry Day to you!**

 **And yes MonyLaRosiere, you may XD**

 ***TRIGGER NOTICE: Last chapter's stuff really wasn't that important tbh... Just one of Levi's suicidal memories and a dream about Novalie...***

 _FIVE WEEKS LATER_

 **NOVALIE**

We sat in silence, until there was a slight rumbling from above. The three of us exchanged worried looks and Erwin shot to the window. Small rocks fell from the Underground's ceiling and clattered on the roof. People in the street covered their heads in panic. The rumbling stopped… Then began again.

'What the fuck…? That doesn't sound good.' Levi whipped his cloak around his shoulders. Erwin nodded and did the same. As Erwin made for the door, Levi turned to me.

'Are you going to… You know… Be… Not dangerous?'

I knew what he meant, but by the look on Erwin's face and the fact that we were keeping this between the two of us, he clearly didn't.

I nodded. 'I'll be fine.'

And like that, the house emptied.

 **LEVI**

When we got to the surface, and the light had stopped singeing my eyeballs, I almost fell over in shock and pure dread.

There was screaming and shouting…

There were people beginning to flood into the Underground…

And the sun was being blocked out… By a horde of titans.

TITANS. IN SINA?!

Erwin sucked in a breath. 'How on earth…'

'We need to get back to HQ right now,' I blurted.

'Hold on Levi. _I_ will get the troops, inform Novalie, then come back up and wait.'

'But-'

'That's an order.' Erwin jogged off into the distance and I hesitated no longer. Diving into the crowd, I shoved my way past the clamouring people and bolted back to the house. I weaved through the streets, almost knocking people over, and threw the door open, which made Novalie jump out of her skin.

'Titans…' I breathed. 'Up...' I pointed to the ceiling.

She jumped up from her seat. 'Titans? In Sina?'

'Yes. Stay here, don't let anyone in…'

'Levi I can't stay here!' She gaped at me as if I was asking her to run across the street naked.

'Why not?' I huffed in exasperation. Of COURSE she would react like this… Goddamn, I just need her safe!

'I have to help.'

'No!'

She marched right up to me. 'Let me… Please?'

I stared back down into her hazel eyes. 'Novalie…. Whatever happens today…' I muttered. 'You have my alder respect, and you always will… In fact, you have more than that…'

She deadpanned. I backed out of the door, stopping talking before I said something stupid.

'Wait, Levi!' She leaped forwards and stuck her foot in the doorway. 'You are like a brother to me. Don't you dare die.'

It was a threat. She was glaring at me in a mix of fear, irritation, and determination.

'I won't…' I gently pushed her back and closed the door, locking it behind me. The streets were flooding with rich people that were scared out of their minds… And horrified by the Underground.

I shoved my way through them all in annoyance and made my way to the top, which took ages since the crowds were going the opposite way. When I FINALLY got to the top, my heart was thumping in my chest. It would take a while for the Scouts to even get here all the way from Wall Rose. The Military Police were there, standing around on the rooves in panic. I spotted Nile Dok cowering under the porch of a house.

'Nile, why aren't your soldiers fighting?' I implored. He looked me up and down and frowned. I was dressed in tattered "underground" clothes.

'Aren't your lot coming soon?'

'So you are just gonna let them eat people until we come to do your dirty work?' I spat.

'N- no! I have stationed them to guard the houses,' he stammered.

I gave him an icy glare. 'Pathetic,' I hissed. 'Where is the spare ODM?'

He pointed to a trailer making its way down the road. I hopped up into it before it could stop and grabbed a harness and gear. The titans started making their way down the road towards us, and I cursed as I fumbled with my harness straps.

Tugging on my gear to make sure it was tight, I zipped into the air towards the nearest one. A wave of comfort flooded through me as I soared through the air on my cables, back to being a soldier.

 **NOVALIE**

The screams made their way down to me. I peered out of the tiny window. What do I do? I can't POSSIBLY sit here knowing that people are dying up there and I could be helping. The law is chasing me anyway, what have I got to lose?

Levi's image flashed through my head and my heart jumped into my throat. He was up there fighting. I might never see him again if I stay down here.

I had driven myself mad with yet another decision to either obey or defy. I gave in in the end, marching to the back room and pulling on my Scout uniform that I had worn to my execution. Grabbing the end of the broom in the corner, I ran at the window. It immediately cracked into a spiderweb, and on the next run, shards began to fly. I punched out the jagged edges as best I could with the handle, and wriggled out onto the street. It was teeming with people…

I guess it will take a while to get up to sunlight.

 **LEVI**

Suddenly the familiar faces of my comrades whizzed by me. At this point, no one cared that I was wearing the clothes of a pauper, they were in panic mode. Titans were smashing up the houses around us like angry children with dollhouses. Erwin was standing on a roof, back in his Scouting uniform. Landing by him, I asked for his command. There were about fifty titans and there was already blood paving the streets.

'Just kill them all,' was all Erwin said. I nodded and drew my blades, which sung a metallic clang as they grated against their holsters. A titan reared its ugly head in front of me and reached its hand out. As its fingertips closed around me, I flipped head-over heels, lopping off every one of its fingers and breaking through the eruption of smoke that billowed from its hand. It roared in protest. I then proceeded to carve a wedge out of its neck and swiftly dodged the disgusting blood that spurted out. The medical aid was here too, taking civilian and army casualties alike and desperately trying to keep them alive in the trailers. I was about ten titans down when something caught my eye. It was someone on ODM, flinging themselves into the air and diving in a very familiar way. As I looked closer, I caught sight of short ash blonde hair.

I growled at her under my breath. Novalie was speeding towards a titan that was flailing uncontrollably. It was holding a shrieking man in its fist. In a blur she dodged its arms and landed on its forehead, digging her blades into its head and sliding down to its neck. Then she hacked at it and the titan fell…

I had forgotten how good she was at her job.

 **NOVALIE**

I had never felt so alive, and now that I was flying freely through the air, my gear on my hips, and my old comrades around me, I KNEW it was the right decision to fight. I just felt it…

One by one, the titans went down, and weights on my shoulders seemed to lift.

THIS is what I was born to do.

THIS is what I am supposed to be doing.

The smell of titan smoke and blood filled the air. Death reigned below me, and I could see Grace bravely dragging people to the trailers.

Struggling to get to an abnormal which was incredibly fast, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned, glimpsing raven hair.

'Captain…?' I breathed, facing him. 'Your orders?' Levi opened his mouth, probably to lecture me about coming up here, then he stopped.

'Together?'

I nodded happily, and we simultaneously hurtled towards the titan, Levi cutting its arm clean off in one swift movement. I took the opportunity to land on its shoulder. It immediately flicked at me to get me off, and I knew it was too late to move out of the way. However, the only thing that hit me was a shower of warm blood, and its hand was just… Gone, thanks to Levi. He nodded to me, and I plunged my sword deep into its neck. As it fell, I hitched my hook onto a house and let myself fly. Pointing to another titan that was reaching its hand into a window, Levi and I took off after it. This time I let him dive for its nape, but it was beginning to stand up, and he was at the wrong angle. I quickly shot my hooks into a tower opposite and flew upside-down into Levi, grabbing him and yanking him out of the way. He used my diversion to get a better angle, and spun faster than I could blink at it. It slumped against the building it had been picking at, its grotesque limbs going slack. We went from titan to titan, prioritising the ones that had gotten a hold of people.

As I scanned the carnage, I saw that most of the titans had been slain, but there was one gripping a man, opening its great jaws to him. _That's Darius Zackly._

I threw myself at it before Levi even noticed, tearing towards Darius, who was thrashing about desperately. I'm not gonna make it in time! As its teeth began to close around his upper body, I crashed into him, shielding him from the titan's teeth and hacking its fingers. I suddenly felt great pressure where my arm met my shoulder, and could smell the vile breath of the monster in front of me.

SNAP.

Something crunched loudly in my ear, and I was falling through the air. I panicked and went to reach for my hooks, but only one arm would respond and I couldn't see what I was doing.

Everything slowed suddenly…

I was falling further and further from the titan, who had dropped Darius. Levi swung in, caught him mid-air, and sped out of my line of vision. The titan was leering at me. I willed my right arm to work. WHY WON'T MY ARM WORK?!

As I hit the ground, my shoulder exploded with pain and I arched my back, gagging. My head had also smacked into the pavement, making my vision blur. Unaware of my own screams of agony, I watched helplessly as the titan fell towards me. Its limp hand fell over me like a cage, the heel of its hand knocking the breath out of me. Thank goodness titan limbs are weirdly light. My head and right shoulder were the only parts of me that were free. Brain swirling with pain, I tipped my head to one side, my eyes widening.

That's why my arm won't work…

I have no arm.


	48. Chapter 48 - 'Tis the Time for Death

**Soooooo… I may or may not have written ahead to the end… XD**

 **I still need to do a LOOOOOT of editing to it, but essentially, I have finished it. It ends the way I originally intended it to, and I wrote the epilogue eons ago! (THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER BTW, THERE IS 3 MORE TO GO). Anyway, about the romance thing, I have decided that yes, I will do that, but I will put it as a separate fic. That one will most likely have a lot less people reading it due to the fact that you kinda gotta read this one first, but I don't mind. Also, I will try and introduce Novalie a little in that fanfic so that anyone who hasn't read A Universal Understanding can get to grips with what she is like as a person.**

 **OMG ENOUGH PARAGRAPHS OF MY INTERNAL THOUGHT PROCESSES, HERE IS YOUR DAMN CHAPTER:**

My shoulder ended in a ripped up bit of flesh, and blood pumped out of it fast. I resisted the urge to throw up.

A bloodcurdling scream somehow reached me beyond all the ringing in my ears and the other deafening chaos. A titan was crouched over a trailer full of injured people, leering at a small woman with mousy brown hair.

GRACE!

I tried to move, but my body wouldn't respond. My muscles wouldn't even tense. The titan closed its ugly hand around her and lifted her off her feet. I opened my mouth, gagging in an attempt to shout to someone, but I had no voice.

All.

I could do.

Was watch.

I lay there in desperation as the titan straightened up, praying that someone would save her. She was crying out for help, her voice wracked with terror. Tears welled in my eyes as no help came, and the titan peered at her sadistically. Her shrieks got more and more high-pitched and terrified. All I could imagine was the way her big eyes brightened when she smiled and the words she once said to me that I will never forget.

 _Sometimes… A person can fix you…_

The titan clamped its jaws around her head, cutting off her screaming. When it pulled away, blood ran down its chin, and her head fell from its jaws in a waterfall of mousy hair. It hit the ground heavily, and from where I was I could hear a sickening crack. All that was left for the titan to shove in its mouth was a limp stump. It crunched her remains up and swallowed, and Grace was gone.

Black spots, like ink stains, began to dance in front of me, slowly consuming my vision. The sounds and smells around me, and the insufferable pain… It all drained away.

 _"Listen to me Novalie, you are my only child now. You are the survivor."_

Mother?

 _"She is the best thing that has ever happened to us!"_

Jo, Gideon, where are you?!

 _"She will always be our little girl."_

…I am so sorry… I loved you both…

 _"You think YOU will last five seconds out there?"_

That's my cadet instructor…

 _"Fine, you're in, but only because you have potential. If you fail, you will be straight out."_

You never liked the fact that I didn't speak, that you never saw under the hood, did you?

 _"I think I'll just call you Kamoku, it means silent person or something so it suits you!"_

It's Henna, the girl that gave me my new name…

 _"I wish I could see your face…"_

You never did Jaego, sorry…

 _"Don't ever judge me again."_

It's Levi!

 _"Even if you piss me the hell off sometimes…"_

That's what I do Levi…

 _"You deserve to be… Looked after…"_

These are just random moments of my life aren't they?

 _"Will you… Break that promise for me?"_

I already have, and I would do it again.

 _"It's all a bit depressing isn't it? All of this. This lifestyle…"_

GRACE?!

 _"Sometimes… A person can fix you…"_

You aren't really here are you? I'm imagining things… Unless… I am dead too. But that means so is Levi.

 _"I understand."_

I don't Levi, where am I? Please, just tell me you are alive!

 _"I don't want you to die…"_

And I don't want _you_ to die.

 _"Why the hell do you know exactly what I am thinking?"_

I am no mind reader, although it is a common mistake apparently.

 _"Am I…. Broken?"_

Wait, that's… MY voice…

 _"One day… You will get them back…"_

You were damn right Levi.

 _'You can be fixed.'_

I… Have been fixed…

 _"What have you done?"_

Erwin… Don't remind me, please…

 _"This is your punishment."_

Shut up Elias. You don't belong here… Wherever "here" is.

 _"All you needed was a bit of encouragement from me."_

Encouragement to stab you, yes.

 _"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH LEVI!"_

It's me again. I can't see anything at all… I must be dead.

 _"You are not emotionless anymore are you?"_

Nope, thanks to you.

 _"You are not doing anyone a favour."_

…

 _"I get it."_

I know you do. I get it too.

 _"You have my respect…"_

Somehow.

 _"Together?"_

Always.

It hit me like a ton of bricks on my head. The memories of my entire life, and an EPIPHANY.

Light swarmed my eyes suddenly in a flood. I could see Levi, but it didn't look like him… It was like… A connection… Our minds were linked, and I saw into his like glass… I understood everything about it, like a machine that I knew how to work. Then I looked past him, and realised something crazy.

I really was _fixed._

For the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE… I felt like I worked properly, like I belonged here. I wasn't the alien I had always felt I was - I got it! I understood the entire world! And there… In front of me… Was myself. Novalie stood there, staring at me. _Yeah, that's me. That, right there, is WHO I AM._

And that's OK. Novalie Kansten… Is not a bad person. I didn't hate her. I didn't even dislike her.

For the first time, I accepted myself. I had a shred of RESPECT for her.

My mother appeared beside her. _My Mother!_ She reached for me, and I went to take her hand, when something stopped me. Novalie was also holding out her hand to me. Which one…?

I struggled… Levi was hanging around Novalie. My Mother saw me hesitate and shrunk back. As I reached for her again, she shook her head and smiled at Novalie beside her.

 _"I am in the past my love. Go with Novalie, she is the right choice. She is you and she is your present and your future."_ I found myself agreeing, and reached out to myself. Novalie reached back, and as our hands touched, the light went out.

 **LEVI**

I was frantic, searching everywhere.

'Captain Levi!' Darius was yelling to me and pointing through teems of titan smoke. I ran up to him. 'Here, there is Miss Kansten! She saved my life!'

I ducked under the titan's finger, and there she was. Novalie was lying still, her shoulder bleeding profusely, her body crumpled under the titan's wrist. Her eyes were shut, and she looked totally at peace.

I fell to my knees and put my hands to her neck in horror.

'I doubt she would have made it…' Darius said, looking down at her apologetically.

'No… No, she is alive.' I could feel a weak throbbing from within her neck and relief flooded through me. Tears lined her cheeks, making streaks of dirt and blood down her face.

I yanked the titan off of her. Titans were surprisingly light, which meant one of two things. Either Novalie had fallen unconscious when she hit the ground, or she was too injured to move anyway. I rolled her on her side carefully and ran a hand down her back. Her spine did not feel broken. Scooping her up, I bolted to the trailers. All the titans were dead by now. As the medics swarmed around me and took her away from me, I glimpsed the sight of something. It was a head…

It was Grace's head.

Oh shit.

Her sparky eyes were dull, and her mouth hung open as if she was still in shock. She looked horrific, grotesque, like a totally different person from the kind, rosy-cheeked young lady that always rushed to help out. Her hair was stained vermillion as she soaked up her own blood. In the background, there was wailing and sobbing and cries of pain, and the area was a mess of body parts, smoke, and rubble. It was only now it was over that I wondered… _Where had those titans come from?_

I trudged up to Erwin. 'What's the situation?'

'There is no breach,' he told me with a frown. His gaze drifted past me.

'Is that Novalie?!'

'Yep…'

We both stared at her as a nurse tugged at a tourniquet around her shoulder.

'Is she alive?'

'Stupid question…' I muttered and drifted back over to her. If she wasn't, I was pretty sure I would be catatonic. They had put a blanket around her. I cocked my head to one side and stared at her passive face.

'Don't die on me Novalie…' I told her. 'I can't lose you.' I exhaled shakily. My gut wrenched at the thought that she might not make it.

'WOAH, THERE IS NOVALIE!' I jumped out of my skin. It was Hanji, shrieking in my ear. 'What is she doing here?!'

'Helping out, Four-Eyes,' I said bluntly.

'Where did she go? Who saved her? What HAPPENED to her? WAIT, HER ARM IS GONE T-'

I lost it with her then. Yanking her towards me by the front of her jacket, I glared at her and spat, 'shut the fuck up. I am not in the mood for your crap!' She blinked at me in mild shock, then looked from Novalie to me. She must have got the message, because she nodded and backed off. I threaded my fingers through Novalie's. Her hand was so cold…

 _Five days later_

I stared into space, my arms folded over my chest. This seat was uncomfortable, digging into my shoulder blades, and the smell of anaesthetic made my nose burn, but I'd sit here all day every day if I could. It meant I could sit next to Novalie.

The hospital ward was clean and stark, and clearly wealthy. We were still in Sina, and so Novalie had been taken to one of the best hospitals within the walls.

'Hospital… Again…'

My insides seized up. I turned sharply to see that Novalie's face was so longer unmoving and blank, – it was blinking, her eyes darting around. _It had life._


	49. Chapter 49 - New Age

**Wowza, poor ol' one-armed Novalie eh? Haha…**

 **Damn I am getting carried away with Levi and Novalie at the moment! But hey, idc!**

 **Lol, I was just thinking about Elias – remember him?**

 **Anyway, I just realised, in Novalie's trial, no one even cared that she murdered him. NO ONE CARES ELIAS AHAHAHA**

 **Tbh she should have got a medal for that.**

 **JUST WONDERING, SINCE I AM GETTING ALL CARRIED AWAY AND THEY ARE GONNA END UP A COUPLE ANYWAY… Do we wanna see more physical contact/affection? It really isn't Levi's jam naturally, but whadda ya think? Too out of character or ya good if I handle it carefully?**

'Better than the mortuary,' was all I said. Relief bloomed inside me. She craned her neck and nodded.

'Definitely.'

'I didn't think you would wake up,' my voice got quieter.

Her face melted into sympathetic sadness. 'How long has it been?'

'Five days.'

'No more titans?'

'Nope.'

She frowned. 'Then where did they come from?'

'An underground laboratory,' I sighed, remembering finding the remains of the hidden lab. Hanji had bolted around it, screaming like a kid at Christmas. 'A group of people managed to create their own titans or some shit and they escaped.'

'Wow,' she raised her eyebrows. She went to shift herself up, but found that support only came from her remaining arm. I got up briefly to pull her into a sitting position. She mumbled a thank-you and looked at her stump in horror.

'I am not going to be able to fight anymore… Am I?'

I shook my head gravely.

'In fact,' she slumped. 'Never mind that, I have the entire kingdom after me.'

'No, actually,' I sat up a little straighter. 'They pardoned you. It seems your stunt with Zackly was enough for them to revoke your verdict.'

Novalie relaxed a little. 'That's… Nice…'

She had a lost look in her eye. She didn't know what to do with herself now that she couldn't be a Scout.

'Erwin still wants you…' I said.

'For what?'

'To be in the Scouts, I mean.'

She brightened up. 'Really?' Then her face darkened again.

'What?'

'Grace… She…'

'Yeah, I saw.'

'I had to watch, Levi…' Novalie bowed her head, her hair falling about her face in a curtain.

I grimaced. That had to have been painful.

'I couldn't even move or speak… I just… Watched her die…' She buried her face in her hands, trembling a little. I jumped up instinctively, as if on alert, and then stopped myself. _No need to bolt to her aid, she isn't in danger…_

I perched on the edge of the bed. I could tell she was crying.

'You are pretty tearful now aren't you?' I remarked in a strained voice. I wanted to DO something… I wanted to help her somehow… But how? I couldn't just take the pain away, and it affected me too, like it was contagious.

'Shut up…' She mumbled, and threw her arm around my neck.

I sat very still, feeling her warm breath on my collarbone. It was weird, usually I would have had to fight the urge to wriggle away, but I didn't want to. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I rested my cheek on the top of her head, listening to her breathing. Hanji came through the door at the end of the room and paused in her tracks when she saw us. She clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle laughter, a grin lighting up on her face.

 _Don't you dare laugh Shitty Glasses…._

I gave her a "fuck off" glare and she bounced over with her usual energy regardless.

'Aw, Kam- wait, Novalie, I have never seen you cry!'

Novalie lifted her head slightly.

'H- Hi Hanji…'

'Hey there Miss "I repel death"! What's this… The fifth time you have narrowly avoided dying?'

'Sixth,' she muttered.

'Oh goodness, your ARM! No wonder you are upset!' She peered at Novalie's stump with mild interest, her eyes creepily magnified by her glasses.

Novalie shook her head and curled up a bit, wincing from the various bruises all over her. I took her by the shoulders and muttered a jumbled sentence about resting, easing her back down onto the pillow.

'Erwin is on his way you know,' she said. 'He has some news I think you will like.' Hanji grinned. As if on cue, Erwin slipped through the great doors of the hospital. He marched up to Novalie, turning up the corner of his mouth.

'Good to see you awake.' He stopped at her bedside.

'Hello Commander,' she said.

'I will not beat around the bush with small talk, neither of us enjoy it. I have come to offer you a proposal.' He sat on the chair by her bedside. 'Now, I realise you cannot go outside the walls anymore on expeditions. If you would like to retire, by all means, I would understand, however… Something tells me that isn't what you want.'

'No sir.'

'Do you remember when I asked you about your gas usage?'

She nodded.

'Well, that method you use… Since it barely uses any gas, I was wondering if you could try to train the other Scouts to use it? It would certainly save us resources.'

'You… Want me to teach people?' She asked incredulously. It seemed as if everything was sinking in slowly and she was reacting in slow motion to everything around her, although she was drugged up on painkillers to be fair.

'Yes, and not just that, I think you could offer them valuable lessons on mentality and coping with trauma,' Erwin looked rather enthusiastic about the whole thing. He had always been fascinated with Novalie, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that he wants her to stay so badly.

Novalie chewed on her lip and cocked her head to one side. 'I'll do it,' she looked him straight in the eye, and then flicked her gaze to me. She looked relieved, and hopeful.

'I got to admit…' I said to her. 'That place is where you belong.'

'Yes, it is my home.'

Erwin nodded happily and rose to his full height.

'Aww, I love a happy ending,' Hanji chimed.

'Who said it was an ending?' I retorted.

'I did!' She laughed. 'I feel like it is the start of a new era, a new age! I don't really know why…'

I decided to let her weird comment go, as I had to do pretty much every day with her.

'Levi,' Erwin caught my attention. 'I don't really know what it is with you and Novalie, but she has changed you. I saw you both back at Sina, you are in sync. I could never simply break such a partnership apart.' Before I could reply, he turned his heel and strode back down the corridor.

'Yes, what ARE you two?' Hanji folded her arms and narrowed her eyes at us.

'Brother and sister?' Novalie suggested.

'Yeah,' I said, tilting my head. 'That pretty much sums it up. You want tea Novalie?'

'Yes please,' she sighed. I left quickly to go and make it, feeling weirdly awkward.

 **NOVALIE**

Everything hurt, including my mind. The image of Grace's head hitting the ground played in my mind over and over. It wasn't really her gory end that got to me, it was just the fact that I watched the entire thing without being able to do anything about it. She was gone.

'So Novalie, are you going to tell me what is going on with you?' Hanji asked. I could see she was itching to ask a thousand questions.

'Erwin hid me while trying to prove my innocence, although I did that myself by saving Darius Zackly's life,' I explained flatly.

'No no,' Hanji said, waving her hands. 'I mean why are you CRYING.'

'Oh,' I said under my breath, wiping my face with my arm. 'You know Grace? The nurse.'

Hanji jumped up and paced. 'Rings a bell…' I could tell she was too hyper to focus on even one conversation. At least she wasn't picking up on the melancholy atmosphere.

'She died,' I said, but Hanji was lost in thought. 'Hanji,' I prompted. 'Earth to Hanji? Are you alright?'

'Huh?!' She snapped out of it. 'Yes yes, I am just so excited that we found an ILLEGAL LAB! I might go and pester the Military Police to let me go and have a look later. THEY MADE TITANS NOVALIE!' Her face lit up with ecstasy.

'Shhhh!' A nurse scowled at her as he passed.

'Whoops, haha, sorry!'

Levi came back and rolled his eyes at her. He passed me a teacup. 'Thanks.'

'Don't stress Novalie out even more then,' he snapped at her, waving her away. Hanji cackled with laughter and shot off to try to wriggle her way into the lab.

'I'm glad to see her happy,' I wondered aloud.

'I'm not,' Levi grumbled, sitting back down on the edge of my bed. 'She is ten times more annoying than usual.'

I sighed. _Aren't we the optimist?_

'Didn't think I would ever see the castle again,' I said wistfully. It had been so long – I was homesick.

'Most people would dread going back there.'

'I'm not most people,' I reminded him.

'Tell me about it,' he said, but there was a smile in his voice.

'I saw you back in Sina… When I was half-conscious,' I frowned, trying to remember my uplifting revelation.

'When I found you, you were almost dead.' He shifted around to face me.

'In my head I mean. I saw you, and my Mother… And myself. It was really surreal…'

I had Levi's full attention. Although his eyes were a stern charcoal grey, his gaze was totally captivating. I couldn't look away if I tried. I trailed off; he had snatched the words straight from my mouth.

 **LEVI**

I couldn't stop staring at her. Her face was so delicate, her eyes radiant. When streaks of sunlight hit her irises, a golden ring glowed around her pupils. Her face was so much more than a face to me. It was a symbol of hope, comfort, trust. It was a face I wanted to see every day of my life. I didn't think it was possible to feel this comfortable around another human. I was always there with barriers and walls, but I didn't even put them up to her. It was hard sometimes, but I forced myself to let her in. I _really wanted_ to let her in.

Novalie shifted to one side and patted the spot next to her. I obediently sat by her, resting my head against the headboard. We just about both fit on the narrow bed - good job we're both small. We sat by each other, not speaking, just being in each other's presence. That was enough for us. Eventually my eyes began to droop. The insomnia that always plagued me seemed to have been taken away, and my world was swallowed up by sleep.

 _Not long after Levi had fallen asleep, resting his head on Novalie's, she closed her own eyes, surrendering to slumber. She was exhausted as it was, and being next to Levi washed all the negative thoughts out of her head. One of the Doctors passed them, smiling a little at the sleeping pair that were leaning peacefully on each other. He thought it a shame that he had to wake the man to tell him visiting hours were over, and thought it would do no harm to let him stay a little longer._


	50. Chapter 50 - Honour The Brave

**Welp, I am just wrapping things up now. I am posting these chapters so close together because the first chapter was posted on Jan 5** **th** **2017 and I am fitting it in so the last chapter will also go up on the 5** **th** **. THE DATES HAVE TO MATCH. I am a bit OCD like that. ANYWAY HAVE FUN PEEEEEPS.**

 **NOVALIE**

The day was here. I was finally being discharged. Levi was waiting at the front door of the hospital for me. I still ached all over, but I really didn't care. I just wanted to go home. I struggled to do anything, and completely gave up on my harness. It wasn't like I was going to be able to use ODM anyway… Buttons, laces, anything remotely fiddly, was incredibly difficult with one hand. I took about twenty minutes just to get dressed, and I refused help from the nurses. I would have to learn to live with one arm. I also kept reaching for things and wondering why my arm wouldn't respond. It often felt as if I still had it.

I stared out of the window of the carriage for the entire long journey back. Erwin was standing at the front gate waiting for me. It was like the day I clambered up this hill to join the Scouts all over again, although this time it was plus one person and minus one arm. Levi and I wordlessly reached the commander.

'Welcome back Novalie,' he nodded happily, leading us through the gates. I was allowed my old room back, since it had been left empty. It was still pretty bare when I moved in however, because my belongings had got thrown away when I "died". The only things I had were the clothes on my back and my spoon. After all this time, I still had my spoon. I almost faced the gallows with it.

Erwin told me I had today to get used to being back, and tomorrow morning he would discuss my duties. I spent a while just sitting in my room at my desk, trying to take in the fact that I was here… It had almost been a year. The familiarity of my humble little space was a comfort, and my recollection of it a year ago was hazy, like I was looking at it behind warped glass. Probably because I was virtually empty on the inside back then. I never thought about it, I never had an opinion on it, but now I just associated it with good memories.

There was a rap at the door. 'Come in.'

The door opened and revealed Levi, who was leaning against the door frame. He wandered in and scanned the room. 'Last time I saw this room… They were locking it up.'

I said nothing.

'Feels weird… Seeing you in it again.'

'It feels weird _being_ in it again,' I replied. 'Anyway, I have somewhere I have to go…' I stood up and took a deep breath. This was going to be hard… I glanced up and saw that Levi had picked up on this.

'Where are you going?'

'To see Grace's parents,' I almost whispered.

He blinked at me. '…Why?'

'Her body was never recovered, and her head was cremated. They deserve to know how brave she was…' I trailed off. I had never met someone so innocent yet wise as Grace, and so blindingly compassionate. I bit my lip, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Levi's eyes softened.

'Want me to come?'

'I'll be fine,' I shrugged. 'I'm sure you have things to do.'

'Yep, paperwork up to my goddamn eyeballs,' he grumbled. I nodded and wriggled my arm into my jacket, pulling it over my other shoulder. It slipped a bit, which annoyed the hell out of Levi as soon as he saw it. I found it quite amusing.

'See you later,' I said, skirting around him. As I made for the door, I saw him reach over in my periphery and pull my jacket up on my shoulder.

I knew he wouldn't be able to resist.

I knew where Grace lived, it was in the local town. She had pointed it out to me once. I rapped on the door, my stomach suddenly twisting in knots and a sweat breaking out on my forehead. An older woman opened it. She was a small woman, almost as small as me.

She looked me up and down. 'Hello?'

'My name is Novalie,' I began. 'I hav-'

'Come in, come in,' she stepped aside and waved her hand, suddenly a lot less wary of me than she had been. I stepped inside in mild confusion. The house was small and dingy, a fire roaring in the hearth. An old man was slumped in a rocking chair next to the flame, rocking back and forth rythmically. He stared into nothingness. His eyes looked dead.

'We have heard about you Novalie,' the woman said, motioning for me to sit down. She sat down heavily on a stool by the fire.

'You have?' I reluctantly perched on the edge of an armchair.

'Grace told us a lot about you,' she smiled sadly. 'Hasn't she Fords?' The woman turned to the man in the armchair.

'…Yeah…' His voice was broken and weak. My heart sank. I could almost FEEL his devastation like an aura.

I met Grace's Mother's gaze. 'It's hard… For both of us… She was our little girl, you know?' She used her sleeve to wipe at her eyes.

'It is hard for me, too,' I said. 'I saw… I saw what happened…'

The woman's mouth opened a little with a gasp. 'We never knew what happened… All we got…' She broke down in tears. '…Was her head…'

'She died protecting her patients,' I said, trying to steady my voice. 'She never left their side.'

With that, Fords lifted his head and turned to me with his empty eyes. 'You saw her die?' He rasped. I nodded.

'You are a Scout… Why did you not help her?' I felt pinned under his scrutinising gaze.

'Fords, please,' the woman pleaded, but weakly. She was probably silently wondering the same thing.

'I was too injured to move,' I replied, casting my eyes down to my lap. Fords rested his head back without another word. Silence filled the room and the fire crackled.

'My name is Georgi, by the way,' Grace's mother said.

I swallowed, hard, and nodded. The atmosphere in the room was horrific. 'I just wanted to tell you how much of a good person she was…' I was really struggling now to keep myself audible. 'She did not die in vain.'

Georgi sniffed. 'Thank you Novalie. She had a lot of respect for you, you know, and you have ours too.'

I stood. 'I should probably leave you in peace, thank you both.' Georgi got up herself and bustled to the door.

'Novalie…' She stopped me as I went to leave. The cold wind blew in through the open door and stung my face. 'My husband… He is dying… Ever since our Gracie, he has just withered away.' Her eyes glittered, almost begging; I didn't know what to say.

'Well…' I said slowly, wondering why on earth she was telling me this. 'I certainly know how that feels. Although, I have noticed, through all I have seen, life's beauty still shone through. Life is not all dark… You have to find the light.'

Her face lit up. 'I will tell him that.'

'You do that. Goodbye Georgi,' I nodded to her and she waved as I left. Sadness hit me as the icy wind did as I walked away, and I sucked in a long breath. _Keep it together._ Her Father was dying… Of pure heartbreak… He simply refused to live now that his daughter was gone. I saw the look in his eyes, although he may physically be breathing, he was already dead on the inside. The last part of willpower had crumbled to dust. Whether he can be brought back to life, I do not know, and maybe once I would have said no, he can't. The truth is… After I was "fixed", I really can't tell who can and can't be mended mentally. I barely understand it myself. The mind is infinitely complicated, almost as if everyone's is totally unique and doesn't have any pattern between anyone elses. The only two minds I really understood were my own and Levi's, and we were already similar.

Grace's words were the wisest. They were so simple yet they meant so much to me, and they sparked a fire that had long since gone out in me. Levi was left to make it flare into a flame, and here I am now, a roaring blaze.

 _I feel like a real person again._


	51. Chapter 51 - A Universal Understanding

**OH MY LORD I COULDN'T POST YESTERDAY - IT GAVE ME AN ERROR MESSAGE! WWHHHYYYYY?!**

 **So I am guessing that the title of this chapter is a BIT OF A GIVEAWAY. Yes, this is the last chapter *sob*. I have been posting this since January 5** **th** **2017, and you guys have followed me through that. Whether you have only just come on, or you have been with me ages, I just want to say…**

 **THANK YOU.**

 **Especially** **to the serial reviewers, namely:**

 **purplepiepie**

 **mistalenny**

 **Mony LaRosiere**

 **Lacey**

 **hollersparrow**

 **Atreides03**

 **analyzing**

 **Veionyx**

 **altraakari313**

 **Crystal Llama**

 **And the guest/s, you know who you are ;)**

 **AND IF YOU ONLY POSTED ONCE, I STILL LOVE THE HELL OUTTA YOU FOR DOING SO!**

 **Even if you didn't review, YOU STILL WILL NOT ESCAPE MA LOVE! THANK YOU FOR READING, YOU WONDERFUL PPL!**

 **I would never have finished this thing if it wasn't for you guys.**

 **This is the first time I have shown my writing to anyone who isn't family, teachers, or friends. It was nerve-wracking, but the response blew my mind. I will continue to write stories on here, and also, this story will soon go up on AO3 (Archive of Our Own, and my name is still SoullessQuill). My English and writing skills have greatly improved over the year too, I mean, at the start of the story I USED TO PUT FULL STOPS AFTER EVERY BIT OF SPEECH UGGGGHHHHH. Anyway, I could ramble on and on to my heart's content, but that's fucking boring, so here y'all are…**

 **The ending of A Universal Understanding…**

 **Enjoy.**

 _TWO MONTHS LATER…_

I was flying… I thought I would never fly again, and I couldn't do nearly as much as I used to. But still, I zipped through the air, flinging my hooks into the trees by the castle with my left arm. Upon hearing the roar of hooves up the hill, I landed and ran to the courtyard. The Scouts flooded through, looking battered and weary as usual. Levi came through amidst the crowd, his face grim. He slid off his horse, leading it into the stables, and grabbed the saddle, pausing to take in a breath. I could tell he was more than a little distressed. Silently, I put my hand on his shoulder. He turned sharply, relaxing when he saw it was me.

'Come on,' I tugged at his sleeve. He reluctantly followed. I took him to the cliff edge, surrounded by trees and a vast landscape of countryside below.

'What happened?' I questioned. He shrugged and sat on the grass, picking at it. I sat next to him.

'I don't know…'

'Yes you do,' I replied almost instantly.

He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. 'I guess… A flashback? It hasn't happened before, I don't know why the hell I am freaking out about it.' There was a growl to his tone.

'What was the flashback?'

'Two friends… I had… Died… There was a pair of Scouts today that got eaten… They really reminded me of them…' He turned away from me a little. I understood his struggle. I was honoured to be allowed to see this much of Levi's emotions. Usually, he kept all this to himself, and I must seriously have his trust to be let in like this.

'Levi… That's perfectly OK.' I scooted closer to him and prised his shoulder around to face me.

'…I just… It just… Freaked me out…' He mumbled, hiding his face and scowling harder. The sun was setting, casting golden light over the fields far below us. We were on top of the world here, even if we didn't feel like we were. We were above everyone and their petty problems, their busy day-to-day lives. That's why I liked it here. I was above the chaos. Only peace found its way here.

I pulled him towards me, and he buried his face in my neck. He was shaking a little. Snaking my arm around him, I began to sing.

 _'For the ones to whom we weep,_

 _Rest in everlasting peace._

 _The sky is the silence,_

 _In which pain is to cease._

 _No giant can touch them,_

 _Up up, so high._

 _No weight can drag down,_

 _Those who rule the skies._

 _If you look hard among the stars,_

 _Their eyes will stare on back_

 _Their cheers run rampant in the wind,_

 _While the living attack._

 _The fight is for us to bear,_

 _They have had their share._

 _So listen to their voices,_

 _As whispers in the air.'_

Levi stopped shaking.

' _As whispers… In the air…_ '

 **LEVI**

I stood under the blinding morning sun. It warmed one side of my face, leaving the other cold and shadowed. I was waiting for Novalie to finish her ODM training session. She was a good teacher, she was really patient with the slow ones and, as she had always been, she was good at explaining things. She also – miraculously – managed to use ODM despite only having one arm, although it was a rather less spectacular thing now. There were no daring nose-dives and head-over-heels. She didn't care though, she just wanted to be able to fly.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that she managed the impossible. She seemed to ignore every rule of defeat. She was undefeatable because she just wouldn't stop fighting. Sure, mentally, she had her weaknesses, but otherwise…

She was a fucking miracle.

I caught myself daydreaming, just thinking about her, and noticed I was smiling. When I snapped out of it, I realised Novalie was right beside me, staring at me in mild shock.

'You are smiling…' She murmured.

'I am happy,' I replied.

As soon as I had uttered those words, her face lit up. Her eyes shone like lanterns bursting into flame and she, too, broke into a grin. I felt the colour drain from my face and the blood rush to my cheeks.

'Then so am I,' she said. She looked like a whole different person, and in a surreal moment that felt like forever, I realised that what I was looking at right now was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. My entire body tingled, my heart thumping harder. Novalie… What are you doing to me with that smile?!

 **NOVALIE**

Happiness flooded through me. They say pursue what makes you happy, and THIS, Levi being happy, that is what it takes. Smiling felt… Odd… But natural. It was not forced, it was entirely genuine. When I saw the look on Levi's face, I simply could not hold back laughter.

 **LEVI**

I must be dreaming… This is music to my ears.

 **NOVALIE**

I must be dreaming… Never have I felt so painless…

 ** _Well if so… I never want to wake up._**

 **EPILOGUE - NOVALIE**

It turns out that of everything in my past that I hated and locked away, the thing I despised the most was myself, and therefore I locked myself away with all of the trauma. I shut myself out, leaving me blank and unattached and empty. I actually repelled my own personality. I never had anyone to tell me I was OK, I was normal, I was not some anomaly. All my life, all people have been doing is try and fix me, so over the years, the only thing I thought of myself was that there was something wrong with me. It took another person for me to see differently, someone I could relate to, to a scary degree. I never thought to look back at myself until now, and I'm not perfect, I'll never be, but I get it now. I think sometimes, when you learn to understand someone, you end up coming to understand yourself.

Our life is most likely going to be a short one, but hell, it's going to be a bloody good one.

Levi Ackerman, my brother...

I love you.

I always will.

Hail to the Universal Understanding of Levi Ackerman and Novalie Kansten.


End file.
